


Promise Me a Place

by pinkinmyimagination



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2018-08-22 22:03:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 87,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8302859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkinmyimagination/pseuds/pinkinmyimagination
Summary: Hoseok and Minhyuk are dating. Hyungwon doesn't take the news well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I want to heavily preface this story by saying that while this story uses the _likeness_ of the MX members, this is in no way a "character study" or supposed to represent the MX members. This is me venting some personal feelings I'm having and interpreting them through the characters. (also I started this during All In/Stuck era so those are the hair colors I'll be using lol)

No matter how much he tries to deny it, Chae Hyungwon can’t erase the fact that he had somehow developed feelings for his bandmates Shin Hoseok and Lee Minhyuk.

The realization is miserable. He never thought much about the casual intimate touches shared between them or the emotional connection he felt with them. But somehow it had come to his attention that these feelings he has towards the older two visuals are not meant to be shared between friends. He is _attracted_ to Hoseok and Minhyuk.

Hyungwon knows it’s not right to have feelings for even one of his bandmates, let alone two of them. Even before the band, he struggled with his sexuality. In his social sphere and line of work, being gay wasn’t a _thing_. It simply wasn’t acceptable. His parents had made it known that they wouldn’t support “that behavior”. The night Hyungwon figured out he was attracted to boys, he cried himself to sleep. Since then, he had completely dedicated himself to his studies, and then to working once he became a trainee at his first company. But along the way he must have let his guard down, and the lonely feelings from his teen years had returned.

He tries not to think about it whenever Hoseok pillows Hyungwon’s head in his lap when they’re watching TV; he attempts to forget about it as Minhyuk excitedly clasps Hyungwon’s hands in his own and smiles up at the taller like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. But with the two of them always so close yet still so incredibly far, the younger dark haired man just feels like he’s drowning silently in his own jumbled emotions. He enjoys the warm touches and the friendly skin-ship between them, but in the same instance he can’t stand it. His feelings had grown so intense that he could barely stand to be near them without his heart yearning aimlessly.

In retrospect, Hyungwon can’t really point out when things became this miserable. He had known Hoseok and Minhyuk for a long time, since he had joined Starship Entertainment. They had formed a friendship that had only gotten stronger since No Mercy and their debut with Monsta X. Hyungwon doesn’t know when that friendship resulted in him falling in infatuation (because this couldn’t be love, please god, _don’t let it be love_ ) with the other two visuals. One day they had been the best of friends, and the next Hyungwon realized he had fallen head-over-heels for his bandmates.

It’s utterly _shameful_.

He wants to hold and be held by Hoseok and Minhyuk, wants to kiss them, wants to wake up in their arms without worrying about the repercussions of loving two of his male bandmates. But Hyungwon knows that’s something he can never have. Hoseok and Minhyuk don’t love him, will never love him in the way Hyungwon wants them to. He knows they’ll never love him, because they’re both already in love.

It happens on one of the rare days in which none of them have any schedules to attend to, a free day. Hoseok and Minhyuk request they all have dinner together at the dorm, and the others all order takeout when no one wants to cook. The seven members of Monsta X all arrange themselves around the table after the food arrives. The two visuals both seem nervous as they sit side-by-side and wait for the band to completely assemble. One-by-one, they all realize the two light haired visuals have something to say. Hyungwon pauses, unease curling in his stomach as Hoseok boldly grabs Minhyuk’s hand on the tabletop in front of them all.

“We’re dating.”

It fucking _hurts_. Hyungwon’s heart seizes painfully in his chest, and he has to fight himself to keep from showing a physical reaction. But the news jars him so badly; he ducks his head to make sure no one can read his expression. Hyungwon can’t help but stare at the other visuals’ interlaced fingers as they make their announcement. An intense ache builds in his chest, and he barely registers the others talking, some offering their congratulations to the nervous pair and others asking questions. Hyungwon had known it would have been impossible for either of the older males to return his feelings, let alone both of them; he had come to terms with this. But to see them together, announcing that they’re in a romantic relationship with _each other_ —Hyungwon feels like the punchline to a bad joke.

Hyungwon is ashamed at the curls of discomfort licking at his mind. Hyungwon is _uncomfortable_ watching the meager display of affection the other visuals are engaging in, upset that he won’t ever have even that. The younger vocalist tries to push down the edges of repulsion, jealousy, anger, _whatever it is_ that threatens to spill from his lips. It’s childish, but it feels so _unfair_. He’s upset that his bandmates can be loved, and Hyungwon will never experience that.

 _I’m gay, and because of that, I will never be truly loved_. (How many times had that sentence bounced around his head?)

“Hyungwon-ah?” The hesitant call of his name snaps the younger vocalist out of his thoughts. His eyes flick up to meet Hoseok’s, then Minhyuk’s. They look oddly worried. Are they waiting for his reaction? Maybe they have a right to be concerned.

The model swallows uneasily. “I’m happy for you, Hyung.” He says, trying to look casual, genuine, _normal_. He thinks a small smile suffices, and he’s thankful for his skilled ability to lie. The relief that blooms so easily across the two visuals’ faces nearly kills him. The conversation moves away from him, and Hyungwon stays only to appear normal as he shovels his dinner down his throat, but he still ends up being the first to leave. His heart hurts so much, watching them interact. Knowing there’s something more than just friendly affection between the two people he longs for hurts him more than he could have imagined. It’s selfish and disgusting that he can’t accept them, but he can’t help the white-hot jealousy licking at his insides. He hates himself even more because of it.

From that night on, they make him _miserable_. Hyungwon wants to say he’s not petty, that he’s better than the catty girls who fought for his own attention in high school, but that’s a lie. Chae Hyungwon is _disgustingly_ jealous.

Hoseok and Minhyuk are unfairly _perfect_. Now that they’re out to the members, they don’t try to hide their affectionate displays. They hug, cuddle, and Hyungwon even catches them giving each other soft kisses on their hands. Most of the members avert their eyes out of embarrassment, but Hyungwon has to look away to keep his emotions from exploding. Everything in his heart yearns for the other two visuals, but he’s too late and too selfish. Why would either of them want to be with Hyungwon, let alone both of them? Hyungwon doesn’t deserve them; they’re much better off with each other.

Even when they aren’t being lovey-dovey, or even when they aren’t both in the same room, Hyungwon can barely talk to them. Whenever Hoseok and Minhyuk hold hands, the youngest vocalist can’t tear his eyes away from the others’ interlocked fingers; when the model finds the two older visuals cuddling together, he aches with the need to be touched and loved. Since his two crushes started dating, Hyungwon has never felt so lonely.

Instead of doing something productive to lift his negative moods, Hyungwon sulks. On days his schedule is light, he skips his normal gym routines and stays home (away from Hoseok, avoiding Minhyuk). Sometimes he simply curls up in his bed and sleeps, other times he sits with the other members and quietly observes whatever they’re doing. He seeks out Jooheon and Changkyun more than anyone else, listening to the former compose new melodies or try out different lyrics, watching the maknae play video games. The younger members don’t question his presence too much, unlike Hyunwoo and Kihyun who both lecture him for spending so much time lazing around. Hyungwon starts avoiding them too.

He knows the others notice something off with him (Hoseok and Minhyuk _definitely_ notice), but no one directly comments on it. Maybe they just don’t know what to say, but they poke at his standoffish exterior in an effort to get him to open up, but Hyungwon just changes the subject. They wouldn’t understand anyway. All of the other members have much more worthwhile reasons for being in the group; Hyungwon is the unnecessary one. Hyungwon wonders if the others realize this, if Hoseok and Minhyuk realize this. Do they know Hyungwon adds the least to the group, that he’s only here because he’s pretty and helps boost their brand worth? The ‘visual’ label seems rather cheap when it’s shared between him and two other people that have more purpose outside of just being pretty.

Although he would confidently deny it, Chae Hyungwon is only a member of Monsta X because of his looks. He’s not the best singer and his dancing is _alright_ , but what really impressed the company was his appearance. Hyungwon has always— _always_ —been told how pretty he is, whether the sentiment held positive or negative connotations ( _“Your son has such a pretty face. Too bad he’s not a girl.” “With a face as pretty that, how could you be anything more than a fag?”_ ). After becoming a model, though, he quickly realized that a pretty face wasn’t the only thing that made people desirable. He received constant critiques on his body, and even his mannerisms (critiques which, although have lessened a bit, are still thrown at him daily). He’s told he’s too fat, too muscular, too skinny, too lanky. Now he doesn’t know what he is. Whenever he looks in the mirror, he attempts to determine what he needs to fix now, but the image he sees is so muddled and distorted that he doesn’t know if the reflection looking back at him is real or his imagination.

He thinks the situation is a bit disheartening. Hyungwon used to be so confident with his appearance. He could hold his head high no matter what anyone said to him, knowing others were simply jealous of his looks and the positive attention he received. But with professionals pointing out his flaws, he grew more self-conscious. Now he wears less T-shirts, more sweatshirts and hoodies. Designers dress him in layer after layer, covering what he can’t figure out how to fix. The criticisms lessen once he debuts as an idol, but the comments don’t. Hyungwon doesn’t know what to think.

And so when their manager makes some off-handed comment about Hyungwon looking like he was gaining weight, the youngest visual can feel nothing other than dread. He says it while the whole band is gathered for dinner (something they rarely do recently), all of them seated around the living room with the TV playing some popular drama the others were all invested in but Hyungwon had lost track of. Hyungwon can only look at their manager with wide, disbelieving eyes after he speaks. It had been a while since anyone had suggested the youngest vocalist was getting _fat_. It would have been a refreshing sentiment if it hadn’t been so crushing in the same instant.

He feels very small in that moment. Jooheon had been teasing him lately, saying if he was going to ditch his workouts and keep eating his usual diet, he was going to become “normal sized” like the rest of them. Even Hyunwoo warned him about the importance of working out, but Hyungwon could brush all of that off. It was one thing for his bandmates to tease him about his weight; if his manager had noticed, he must look _awful_. He looks down at the food balanced in his lap, suddenly nauseous. On top of cutting down on his exercise, he hadn’t been eating very healthily recently either, snacking more to pass the time. Maybe he should start cutting back on how much he eats. But before he can even reply, the conversation has moved on, and everyone’s attention is back on the drama. Appetite fading, Hyungwon moves into the kitchen to throw away what was left of his dinner and take a shower before bed. He doesn’t feel any better until he’s safely curled underneath his covers on his bed.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s the most nerve-wracking decision they’ve ever made.

“We’re dating.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Hoseok regrets them. It’s silent for several moments after he speaks. Each member’s reaction ranges from out-right shock to contemplative, the latter of which causing Hoseok’s stomach to twist nervously. Kihyun’s eyes widen and he chokes on his drink, clearly not expecting such an announcement; Jooheon’s jaw drops, practically hitting the tabletop. Hyunwoo seems thoughtful, whereas Changkyun is worryingly unreadable. Confusingly, Hyungwon looks at them like Hoseok had punched him before the emotions on his face scatter and he looks blankly down at the table. No one says anything for what feels like forever, and every second that ticks by makes Hoseok more and more anxious. Minhyuk’s hand tightens around Hoseok’s.

He and Minhyuk hadn’t been dating very long; in fact, it had only been a few weeks since they decided to label each other as “boyfriends”. They had always been close; the entire visual line was close—they’re best friends. But sometimes… sometimes Hoseok felt like there was something _more_. He felt it in the way Minhyuk would closely snuggle up to him, smiling against his chest; he felt it in the way the silver haired man would approach him after showers just to smell the lingering scent of his body wash. Their interactions started feeling more intimate, and Hoseok had been uncomfortable with how their increased closeness intensified his feelings towards the younger. It had seemed dangerous at the time, and he didn’t want to risk their friendship. He tried to cut it off, pull back a bit, but he just ended up missing the casual touches. He realized his feelings for the younger man ran deeper than simple friendship. Minhyuk had been the one to confront Hoseok about the subject, red-faced and flustered as the normally confident mood-maker stumbled through his confession. Hoseok remembers the relief he felt knowing his feelings hadn’t been one-sided.

They decided to be secret about it, doing their best not to be any touchier or more affectionate than they already were when in front of the others. Even when away from the others, they weren’t completely free of their inhibitions. Hoseok had thought it would be easy. Unfortunately, it proved to be extremely tiring and stressful. After a while of dancing around each other, they suspected they might have been discovered when Hyungwon started distancing himself from them and Jooheon started teasing them about how much closer they seemed recently. They decided it wasn’t worth keeping a secret anymore, and Hoseok suggested they tell the others.

The two visuals knew this was a big risk, could get them kicked out of the band, but they figured the blow-out would be worse if they hid their relationship any longer. Hoseok thinks he wouldn’t be nearly as nervous if it was only his ass on the line, but Minhyuk’s future was also in trouble here, and he didn’t want the other’s career to be ruined because of Hoseok. But they decided this together, and they would see it through together.

Finally, after what feels like forever, Hyunwoo speaks. “Congratulations.” He says, cracking a sort of awkward, but genuine smile. “I’m happy for you two.” And relief hits the blond like a tidal wave as he slumps in his seat.

“I-I was totally joking when I said you guys were becoming a couple,” Jooheon stutters out in surprise. “B-but I’m glad! Uh—that you guys are happy together?” He looks at them nervously, as if making sure he said the right thing. Kihyun nods rapidly in agreement, still coughing. Hoseok gives a slightly giddy laugh out of relief, feeling lightheaded as the tension and stress drain from his body.

Changkyun, however, still retains the same serious expression as he inquires, “What about your contracts?” There’s no malice or threat in his tone, just honest curiosity. “The company won’t like it if they hear about this.”

“Well,” Minhyuk starts carefully, not quite looking at the maknae as he busies himself with adjusting his grip on Hoseok’s hand. “We think the company doesn’t have to know…?” He gives a nervous half-shrug, eyes darting up as he chews on his lower lip. “It should be easy enough to keep secret, right? I mean, it would be more abnormal for us to show each other less attention than more.”

“Besides, with how much skin-ship we’re expected to share, we’d probably have to make out on camera for anyone to take rumors of us dating seriously.” Hoseok adds.

Jooheon’s face scrunches up. “Gross, Hyung.”

Changkyun nods. “I’m happy to support you two. I just want to make sure you’ve thought about the possible repercussions. I don’t want you two to get removed from the band just because you’re together. That wouldn’t be fair for any of us, you know?” Kihyun bobs his head again in agreement.

Warm happiness blooms in Hoseok’s chest. “Thank you, all of you.” He smiles, until he remembers the only person that hadn’t spoken since he had padded into the kitchen and sat down. The blond looks to the dark haired visual, who is still staring at the tabletop, expressionless. “Hyungwon-ah…?”

Although he cared about the opinions of all his bandmates, Hyungwon’s possible reaction was the one Hoseok lost the most sleep over. The three of them had been close since before they even debuted, although at some point during No Mercy Hoseok felt a bit left behind when the other two were grouped together for several missions without him. Minhyuk had easily erased any distance that may have existed, however; Minhyuk held them all close and refused to let go. Although he would never admit it, he did his best to accommodate the others and make sure everyone felt like they belonged—especially Hoseok and Minhyuk.

Recently, however, Minhyuk’s grip on Hyungwon had loosened as his hold on Hoseok tightened. Hyungwon wasn’t one to necessarily seek out attention on his own unless he’s feeling especially needy (he never needed to, honestly), and with Hoseok and Minhyuk more focused on each other, neither paid much attention to the younger. At first Hyungwon’s absence wasn’t quite noticed. If anything, Hoseok had appreciated being left alone with his now-boyfriend. But the youngest visual tended to draw attention to himself whether he meant to or not, so Hoseok eventually noticed the way he tried to fade into the background.

Hoseok doesn’t know if that reaction has anything to do with him, or if there’s something else going on with Hyungwon, but either way it hurts Hoseok.

Hyungwon blinks, and if Hoseok hadn’t been watching him closely, he wouldn’t have noticed the desperate way the younger tries to make himself look natural. Their gazes meet, and the older vocalist is a bit disturbed by the blank look in the other’s eyes. “I’m happy for you, Hyung.” He says, and smiles lightly, but there’s no warmth in the gesture. Hoseok opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off by Minhyuk’s loud, pleased sigh.

“Oh my god, we were so nervous to tell you guys! We were worried you would, like, demand we leave or something. Ahh, I love you all so, so much!” The silver haired man cries.

“Calm down, Hyung, we’re not assholes.” Kihyun says in reply as he finally finds his voice, but he’s smiling too. “Okay, well if that’s all you have to say, can we eat now?”

“ _Please_ ,” Jooheon agrees, “I’m starving.”

And just like that, things (mostly) go back to being business as usual. They joke and laugh and talk about projects they’re working on or games they’ve been playing, and it almost makes Hoseok dizzy with pure _relief_. He’s grateful for having such open-minded, accepting bandmates to support him. He honestly doesn’t know what he would do without this group. Jooheon and Kihyun tease them a bit, all of them asking questions about when and how they got together and related topics. Hoseok’s face feels like it’s on fire when they talk about it, but looking at Minhyuk’s glowing expression helps him calm down enough to not stutter through every word he speaks. It’s nice—mostly.

The only person who doesn’t say a word is the man Hoseok is most worried about being rejected by. Hyungwon keeps his head lowered, silently picking at his dinner more than legitimately eating it. Hoseok feels his insides twist painfully when Hyungwon suddenly leaves the kitchen and disappears further into the dorm.

Hoseok can’t help but think that he really messed up as Hyungwon leaves his line of sight.

* * *

It’s relieving to not need to hide anymore. Minhyuk can cuddle his boyfriend (associating the word with Hoseok still makes him giddy) whenever he wants in the privacy of their dorm, and the worst thing that happens is Jooheon groaning and telling them to “move their PDA somewhere else”. The mood-maker only giggles at that response and settles for holding Hoseok close. It’s nice, being out to their bandmates; it’s even better to know they aren’t being judged for their relationship.

For the most part, anyway.

Minhyuk isn’t blind; he knows Hyungwon hasn’t been positive about the two vocalists’ relationship. The lanky idol hasn’t said anything about it since the night Hoseok announced he and Minhyuk are a couple, but the silver-haired man knows Hyungwon is struggling with it. He doesn’t know why, or even exactly what the issue is, but he still feels bad when Hyungwon brushes him off.

Since even before that night, Hyungwon had been avoiding them. Minhyuk had recognized this right from the start. Where Hyungwon had been close with the other two visuals, the dark-haired man had suddenly stopped being with them. He didn’t stick around the dorms as much anymore, disappearing for hours every day before coming back and immediately going to bed. When he does spend time with the others, he chooses the younger members’ company over the rest of them. He keeps his distance from the older members.

Minhyuk doesn’t understand what happened to cause this rift between the group and Hyungwon. The youngest vocalist had been acting distant for a while, but he only became outright avoidant after Minhyuk and Hoseok had come out to the group. This worried Minhyuk at first. He thought maybe Hyungwon was repulsed by the idea of his two male bandmates dating. But Hyungwon never expressed any disgust or hatred towards the couple, so the silver-haired visual rules that option out. The mood-maker can’t think of any other reason for Hyungwon’s avoidance, however. And so Minhyuk does his best to try and pull Hyungwon back to him, but Hyungwon evades him. It frustrates Minhyuk; he didn’t want his and Hoseok’s relationship to change things between them and anyone else.

Honestly, he’s starting to miss his friend.

It’s a bit difficult to bring up any conversation about Hyungwon with Hoseok, enough that Minhyuk wonders if the avoidance is mutual on both their parts. Minhyuk thinks he kind of understands Hoseok’s side; the older visual is extremely sensitive about what other people, especially those close to him, think of him. If Hyungwon decides to shut him out, Hoseok won’t know how to react outside of being hurt. Thus, it usually takes outside interference for those two to fix their issues (not that it’s a common occurrence). It isn’t the first time they haven’t gotten along, but it’s the first time both have been so blatantly bothered by the other’s mere presence.

Minhyuk brings this up with Kihyun one night while he’s helping the younger vocalist clean up the kitchen. “I doubt Hyungwon-ah is upset with Hoseok-hyung.” The shorter male says in reply, surprising the silver haired visual. “The manager’s probably been on his ass about being so lazy recently. You know how grumpy that makes Hyungwon-ah.”

“But…” the older frowns, “Why’s he taking it out on Hoseok, then?”

Kihyun scoffs, “You know they pretty much have the same title in the band, even if they fill different roles. Manager-hyung compares them all the time, especially when he’s getting on Hyungwon-ah’s case. But he’s eating less again, so maybe we’ll have to convince him going back to the gym is a better alternative.”

“He’s eating less?” Minhyuk blinks, surprised. He hadn’t—how didn’t he notice that? Out of everyone, he was the one that paid the most attention to Hyungwon’s weight. The other had never been anything more than thin; even in the childhood photos Minhyuk had seen of Hyungwon, the younger had always had long limbs paired with a skinny frame. Minhyuk remembers Hyungwon struggling to maintain a healthy weight solely because he simply didn’t want to eat. It hadn’t become a dangerous issue, but it could have, if Minhyuk hadn’t noticed and helped. Since then, Minhyuk had decided to keep tabs on the younger’s eating habits.

Apparently, he’d let his guard down.

The lead vocalist nods. “Yeah, but it’s not enough for him to actually lose any weight.” Kihyun tries to reassure. “Anyway, don’t beat yourself up over him. We’ll get him back on track, and then everything will be alright again.” Minhyuk nods, not quite believing it, but also not wanting to continue the conversation. They finish cleaning up, and Minhyuk goes back into the living room where Hoseok is waiting on the couch. He curls up beside the other, and Hoseok’s arm wraps around his shoulders. The other members are either in bed or getting ready for sleep. Minhyuk enjoys the quiet comfort of being held by his boyfriend. Hoseok’s arm is tight around the younger’s shoulders, and Minhyuk rubs his hand comfortingly. He wonders if anything had happened earlier. Something was obviously bothering the older man.

“Is something wrong?” Minhyuk murmurs.

Hoseok shrugs, sighs. “Changkyun-ah can be so insufferable sometimes.” He mumbles. “He keeps trying to switch bunks with me. I’m only interested if Jooheon wants to switch—or if you just want to share.” He manages a weak, teasing grin down at the younger.

Minhyuk scoffs good naturedly. “With our sleeping habits, I don’t think my bunk is big enough.” Still, he peers up at his boyfriend with a curious gaze. “Is that seriously what has you so tense?” Hoseok shrugs again, leaning his head back against the couch. Minhyuk’s lips twist into a frown. He decides to change the subject, bringing up the topic he’d been meaning to for a while.

“We need to talk to Hyungwon-ah.”

Hoseok tenses. “I dunno, Minhyuk—,”

“No, hear me out. Everyone can tell something’s wrong with him. And we’re his best friends, right? So it’s, like, our _job_ to figure out what’s wrong.”

“He obviously doesn’t want to talk to us, so why should we?” Hoseok grumbles, shifting uncomfortably.

Minhyuk frowns, moving to look up at the other vocalist. “Because we _care_ about him?”

The blond lets out a frustrated noise. “Have you considered, maybe, that he’s uncomfortable about the nature of our relationship? Maybe he’s homophobic.”

Being honest, Minhyuk hadn’t considered that Hyungwon would have that strong of feelings against them. It’s a strong word to associate with his friend. His jaw clenches. “I don’t think that’s it.” He denies tightly, not able to think so badly of their friend. There’s no way Hyungwon could be homophobic. It didn’t quite make sense, all things considered. “He’s not just… avoiding us. He’s also not eating as much, and he’s withdrawing. Besides, maybe… maybe he just feels left out, or like he can’t be close with us anymore, but there’s no way he’s avoiding us just because we’re dating.” Hoseok doesn’t respond, silently petting Minhyuk’s hair. The younger sighs. “Don’t you miss him?”

It’s quiet for another few moments; a strange feeling twists Minhyuk’s stomach as Hoseok refuses to reply. He pushes it aside, leaning up to press a quick kiss to Hoseok’s cheek. “We can fix this. Whatever happened, we can fix it.” Hoseok is silent, and Minhyuk slowly rubs his hands until the two of them fall asleep on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the pacing seems fast? i never know what to do for a second chapter.  
> lemme know what you think about the pov switches?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter this time, i apologize. it felt right to leave it like this.

Hyungwon sometimes wishes he hadn’t auditioned at Starship. He could have held his own simply modelling; he’d landed a pretty offer towards the end of No Mercy that had even impressed the Starship executives. He could have done what Hyunwoo did and become a backup dancer, maybe a choreographer. Maybe he would have even debuted with another group, one that needed him. Seokwon would have fit just fine in Hyungwon’s place in Monsta X—maybe he would have turned out to have stronger vocals and better dancing ability than Hyungwon. Even Yoonho could have fit in nicely, personality and visual wise. Hell, sometimes Hyungwon wishes he had avoided the celebrity spotlight altogether and went to law school and fulfilled his childhood dream.

Sometimes he just wishes he simply hadn’t met Minhyuk and Hoseok.

But Hyungwon had already chosen his path. Fate had laid down its cards, and Hyungwon had to live with the hand he had been dealt.

Lying in his bed listening to Hoseok and Minhyuk giggling through frankly sappy goodnights while Hyunwoo settles in his own bunk, Hyungwon wonders if these miserable feelings he has are a result of getting so far with so little talent. Is this karma telling him life isn’t going to be a walk in the park just because he’s pretty? Is this the universe’s way of saying, _don’t expect to get everything you want just because you’re good looking_? If so, _message received_.

“Hoseok,” Hyunwoo calls, inadvertently startling Hyungwon out of his thoughts and interrupting the other two visuals’. “Either take it to the living room or go to sleep. You’re keeping us up.”

“Sorry, Hyung.” Hoseok apologizes and bids Minhyuk a final goodnight and closing the door. The two older members settle in their bunks and offer each other a quick ‘goodnight’ as well. Hyungwon curls up on his side at the exclusion.

It feels like Hoseok has made it his mission to make Hyungwon feels as unwanted as possible. Where the blond used to seek him out all the time to vent and for advice, he keeps a noticeable distance. There was a point where Hyungwon had attempted to bridge the gap between them (an exceptionally lonely night where Hyungwon had just wanted some kind of contact), but Hoseok coldly brushed him off. Maybe it was deserved, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

He feels like he’s the last kid picked for kickball in gym class, the cereal dust at the bottom of the bag, or most accurately, the least popular in the group. It’s not like he’s undeserving of the title, but it still hurts. And it especially hurts when he considers he’s probably the least liked within the band itself—never called out as anyone’s best friend within the members, never anyone’s first choice for comfort or conversation or _anything_. That… that _really_ hurts. And he doesn’t have many people outside of the group to talk to because it’s not like he has many friends (always too shy and withdrawn), and his parents are away in another country for work.

But even if there were other people available to talk to, Hyungwon isn’t sure he would. The only person he could ever talk freely to was Minhyuk. As they had joined Starship at the same time, they had grown close with each other before anyone else. They laughed together, struggled and cried when the stress became too much to handle alone. The silver haired visual never judged Hyungwon for his insecurities or his secrets, and Hyungwon did the same for him. Minhyuk became Hyungwon’s only confidant. Even with Hoseok, Hyungwon was better at listening than telling. Without having Minhyuk to vent to, Hyungwon is starting to feel like he’s suffocating in his own mind.

It’s okay when he’s dancing, though. When he’s dancing or even just running, he can stop thinking. More and more often, he finds himself skipping lunch and occasionally even dinner in order to practice on his own or jog through the nearby park. While it’s nice when he’s by himself, he’s miserable when he’s with the others.

He grows irritable and short with the other members, specifically the two visuals. It drives the members away from him, isolating himself. It makes practice more difficult than it needs to be. It’s unfair to the others, and he can tell they’re confused by his change in demeanor, but it’s the only thing he can do to protect himself from his own emotions.

Kihyun tells Hyungwon that it’s okay to be stressed, that they all are going through the same anxieties, but that’s a lie. Kihyun doesn’t know what Hyungwon has to go through; he doesn’t know what it’s like to be talentless and only part of this group because his face is pretty and his body attractive. He’ll never know, because even if Kihyun gets any uglier, he’s still the lead vocalist (always in the front, center of attention of the vocal line), and no one can replace him in that regard. Hyungwon, however, can immediately ( _easily_ ) be terminated and replaced.

Hyungwon starts to feel the itch under his skin, begging his body to move. The dancer slowly crawls out of bed, doing his best not to wake his two roommates. He moves into the living room, and the energy drains from his system as he lies down on the couch. The room is dimly lit thanks to the lamp someone must have mistakenly left on.

Hyungwon stares up at the ceiling of the dorm’s living room as he shoves his earbuds in his ears and plays a slower song to calm his thoughts. He still feels restless, and considers rolling off the couch he’s lying on and practicing a few moves from their newest routine, but he doesn’t get the opportunity as a heavy weight settles on his legs. Surprised, Hyungwon pulls out his earbuds and looks up at the person now seated on top of him. “Changkyun-ah, what are you doing?”

“I used the restroom and then saw you lying here. You looked like you were thinking about something stressful.” The younger answers bluntly. “With all the frowning you’ve been doing lately, you’re going to get wrinkles, Hyung.”

Hyungwon slaps his thigh halfheartedly. “Yah, did anyone teach you any manners?” He mutters without any heat. Changkyun simply blinks, expression too deceivingly innocent. Hyungwon rolls his eyes, lying back down. “Seriously, at least get up so I can move my legs.”

“No can do,” Changkyun singsongs, settling further. Hyungwon scowls. The younger reaches towards him, using his fingers to smooth out the lines of Hyungwon’s brow. “What did I just say, Hyung? You don’t want to hurt your good looks.” Hyungwon tries to hold back a flinch.

He shoves at the other again. “Whatever,” is all he can reply with, trying to twist away. Changkyun grunts as his position is jostled by Hyungwon’s movements. “Are you just here to make fun of me?”

It’s the rapper’s turn to frown. “No. You just seem down and I wanted to lift the mood, or something.”

“You’re not doing a very good job,” Hyungwon tells him, but that’s not exactly true.

Changkyun sighs. “You’re just a tsun-tsun, Hyung, just like Hoseok-hyung says.” He shifts a bit, enough that Hyungwon can pull his legs out from under the maknae. Changkyun smiles again when Hyungwon doesn’t get up and instead curls up on his side.

A short period of quiet settles between the two idols, only broken by the sound of the AC. Changkyun pokes his shoulder, “Hey,” he says, lowering his voice, and Hyungwon tenses. “Follow me.” He jumps off the couch, gesturing for Hyungwon to follow him out of the room. The older peers at him with confusion, but nonetheless follows him anyway. The rapper leads him to the entrance of the dorm, heading downstairs and outside, much to the taller male’s surprise. Once they’re in the parking lot, Changkyun turns towards Hyungwon, head down and arms crossed as he shuffles his feet. “Uh, you seem like you don’t plan on sleeping for a while, so why don’t we go for a walk? You seem… antsy, lately.”

Hyungwon huffs out a derisive laugh, leading the two of them towards the street and away from the dorm. It feels good to breathe in the fresh, cooler night air. “Am I that obvious?”

“We live together, Hyung. It’s pretty obvious considering how much your behavior has changed.” The maknae peers up at him curiously. “Are you… doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Hyungwon nods, carrying the word on a sigh. He doesn’t want to get into _feelings_ right now—especially not with the rapper. It’s dangerous to speak his thoughts aloud, especially to anyone so close to the situation. This could tear their band apart. Hyungwon knows his wants and thoughts will only cause problems to the others. But right now, it’s still not real. He hasn’t let out his thoughts to the world. So long as he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t _say_ what he’s feeling, it doesn’t exist and it won’t hurt anyone.

Changkyun’s lips press together into a thin line, eyebrows pulling together. “Is it about Hoseok and Minhyuk hyungs’ relationship?” He asks, voice low.

Hyungwon manages a weak scoff. “I just said I’m okay, Changkyun-ah. Don’t worry about it.”

“Like I’m gonna believe that,” Changkyun rolls his eyes. “Come on, Hyung, I just want to help you. You feel like you can’t take up their time, right? That’s why you’re spending so much time with practice.”

The taller male can’t hold back an irritated grunt. “We have two comebacks coming up soon. We’ll all be practicing our asses off soon enough anyway. I’m just getting a head start.”

Changkyun looks at the vocalist a bit helplessly. “You know…” he swallows nervously, “I’m always here for you, Hyung. I’m not—I’m not Minhyuk-hyung, but I’m still good at listening. I’m also pretty good at keeping secrets.”

“Right,” Hyungwon nods, “Thanks, but I’m fine. Really.” He gives the younger a meaningful look. He isn’t going to vent to his dongsaeng about his dumb insecurities. Changkyun has enough to worry about on his own.

“You don’t have to take my offer now.” The rapper tells him. “We’re a group, Hyung. We should lean on each other.”

“Of course,” Model smile in place, Hyungwon ends the conversation.

Maybe it’s a bit unfair to be so cold to Changkyun when the younger is so earnest, but Hyungwon doesn’t need to talk about his feelings. He’ll take Changkyun’s company, the physical reassurances of simply being in another person’s presence, but he doesn’t need to involve anyone else in his problems. Hyungwon can take care of his own problems, and he’s working on it. He’ll be fine in time for their next comeback. He’ll be able to look at Hoseok and Minhyuk without jealousy churning his stomach, and he’ll be thin again on top of that. The release of their single will go flawlessly, and the hype for their next mini-album will reach high above their expectations—and Hyungwon will contribute with his pretty face, perfect body, and solid dancing. He can’t let his bandmates down, can’t let the fans down.

Hyungwon needs to be perfect, unattainable. He’s one of the visuals, after all, and he needs to maintain his current charms if he wants to keep that title.

Beside him, Changkyun sighs. “Maybe we should just go back.”

“Maybe,” Hyungwon agrees. They hadn’t walked far, but it probably isn’t the best idea to be wandering around in the middle of the night without cell phones. The two are silent as they return to the dorm. At some point during the walk back, Changkyun twines his fingers with Hyungwon’s. The vocalist considers how mean it would be to bat the maknae’s hand away, but finds he doesn’t really mind the touch anyway (maybe even appreciates it) and allows Changkyun to do as he pleases.

The dorm is just as quiet as they left it, which is relieving. Hyungwon doesn’t feel like getting chewed out by Kihyun— _again_. “Are you going back to your room?” Changkyun asks quietly. Hyungwon considers his answer before nodding. Surprisingly he does feel better, and the warmth of his covers is calling for him. The rapper smiles. “Okay. I’ll see you later, then. Goodnight, Hyung.” He releases the taller male’s hand, hesitates, then escapes into his own room. Hyungwon watches after him before turning off the lights and crawling back into his bunk and quickly drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty shocked this story already has so many kudos and such. thank you all so much! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaaa, i'm anxious about this one.

Sometimes Hyungwon wants to tell Hoseok and Minhyuk how he feels.

Occasionally he imagines doing it, the different ways to say it, the varied reactions he might receive. He plays out scenarios in which he pours out his heart to them and they accept him with open arms (sometimes they tell him they love him back). Those are his least favorite to wake up from. They make him feel warm and loved until he comes back to himself and realizes it was only a dream that never happened, and never will. In some dreams, he yells at them, makes them hurt the same way he does. Those are the most satisfying. He has so much pent-up frustration building inside him; releasing it all at the ones who caused it would be immensely relieving—or so he thinks. The ones that keep him quiet are the ones where the mock him, call him disgusting for daring to have such intimate feelings for two men. Those are the dreams that he always wakes up crying from, because they’re the ones he finds the most realistic (because Hyungwon _is_ disgusting, and he’s shameful and selfish). If Hyunwoo or Hoseok ever notice, they don’t say anything.

Sometimes, though, Hyungwon dreams of sitting in between Hoseok and Minhyuk, his fingers entwined with theirs. In this dream, Hyungwon says nothing. The other visuals only whisper softly to him, _it’s okay_ , and for that little while, it is. That’s the only dream that makes Hyungwon seriously consider speaking his mind. He doesn’t, though, because admitting his feelings aloud to the two people he decidedly can’t live without would make it all too _real_. Hyungwon doesn’t know if he can handle that.

Maybe it’s naïve, but Hyungwon thinks if he doesn’t admit his feelings out aloud, they won’t mean anything, and they’ll go away. It’s one of the reasons he’s never said anything about being gay, why he kept his mouth shut about his crushes even before Hoseok and Minhyuk started dating. Because a verbal confirmation would mean he would have to accept these unwanted emotions, and accepting something he can’t have or isn’t allowed to feel would absolutely crush him. The dancer can’t imagine being so harshly put down by his band members, his family. The pain he’s feeling now is bearable; the pain their rejection would bring would surely kill him.

(As if he isn’t dying already.)

It’s okay, though, because he has other things that need his attention. Promotions for their next single are coming up soon, he has other activities and stages both with and without the group, and they have a new album releasing which will mean _more_ promotions. It’s exciting, really, but also exhausting. Hyungwon is glad for the distraction, though, and welcomes the busy schedules—even if it means he has to spend most of his time with the other members.

It isn’t all bad, though. Besides the other visuals and Changkyun, the others all treat him normally. Kihyun nags him the same, and gives him snarky remarks when he feels the younger deserves it; Hyunwoo will still sit with him and indulge him with meaningless, lighthearted conversation whenever they can manage; Jooheon jokes around and lightens the mood whenever he’s in the dorm.

It’s odd when Changkyun starts acting weird after their walk that night. It’s not bad-different, but he’s not sure it’s good-different either. It’s just… different. Hyungwon doesn’t necessarily think the maknae has changed in any way, it’s simply that he seems like he’s around more often, or something. Maybe Hyungwon is just more aware of his presence after their talk. He is a bit touchier, maybe. He’ll press against Hyungwon in situations he normally would awkwardly shuffle further away; he fits his hands into the dark-haired visual’s more than either of them are accustomed to. It’s not uncomfortable, but Hyungwon doesn’t quite understand what changed between them.

Between Hoseok and Minhyuk, the silver-haired visual is the one whose behavior causes the most problems for Hyungwon. The younger often catches Minhyuk watching him, and he doesn’t know why the other is suddenly so vigilant. He worries at first ( _does he know? Did he figure it out?_ ), but he realizes that’s not at all what’s going on when the older male approaches him one day during a break in dance practice, offering a chocolate bar and a lopsided smile. “Hey! You look hungry. Did you eat lunch?”

Hyungwon’s lips purse together, unimpressed. Of course it’s about his eating habits again. Minhyuk only worries when Hyungwon stops eating. How gross. “Mhm,” he says. He had a single slice of pizza, eager to get back to perfecting their new routine. He eyes the chocolate in the other’s hand warily, not making any move to grab it. Admittedly, he is still hungry, but it’s almost dinnertime anyway and he doesn’t want to eat until after practice. Ignoring the hunger pangs he feels at the sight of the candy, he turns his gaze back to Minhyuk’s face, raising an eyebrow.

Minhyuk looks at the younger expectantly. “Well, you should eat this.” He says when Hyungwon makes no move for the proffered candy bar.

The dark-haired visual blinks. “Why?” he asks, voice quiet. Out of the corner of his peripherals, he sees Hoseok side-eyeing them. Hyungwon nearly sneers at him. He should mind his own business, just as Minhyuk should.

“Because you seem like you want it?” Minhyuk tries.

“But I don’t.” Hyungwon tells him.

The shorter man licks his lips nervously. “Please take it?”

He isn’t going to let the other say no; Hyungwon realizes that much. So he smiles, albeit placatingly. “Okay.” He takes it, ignoring the relieved expression that crosses the other’s face. Almost immediately, he turns around and calls out, “Hey, Jooheon-ah!”

The rapper perks up at the sound of his name. The vocalist throws the candy at him. Catching it, Jooheon whines when he realizes what it is. “Hyung, you know I’m on a diet.” Hyungwon only shrugs, turns back to see Minhyuk staring at him, wide-eyed and mouth agape.

“Did—did you really just— _right in front of me_?” he stutters incredulously. He blinks hard, and Hyungwon debates leaving him there like that. But Minhyuk’s features scrunch together with hurt clear in his expression, and he speaks before the younger can decide. “What is up with you lately?”

Hyungwon’s head tilts to the side. “You gave me the chocolate bar, so that means I choose what happens to it. If you want it back, go talk to Jooheon.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Minhyuk interrupts, raising his voice enough to get the attention of the other members. “Is this about what Manager-hyung said? You shouldn’t let that get to you. You’re fine the way you are. You don’t—just _look_ at yourself.”

The younger dancer’s lip curls into an irritated grimace, pulling at his sweatshirt uncomfortably. He sneers at Minhyuk, eyes downcast. “Next time, keep your supposed kindness to yourself. I don’t want anything from _you_.” And if that wasn’t the biggest lie to spill from his lips all month (possibly all year), he doesn’t know what could possible rival it.

It’s at this point that Hoseok is there, pushing Hyungwon back against the mirror, away from Minhyuk even though they weren’t close to begin with. The younger blinks in surprise, a quiet cry slipping past his lips as his back hits the cool glass. “Watch your tone.” Hoseok warns. The shock melts away from the taller dancer, replaced with hurt indignation. Hyungwon looks (scowls, really) down at him. The two maintain eye contact for several tense moments. Hyungwon feels shaky now, maybe like he might cry or get upset. That _hurt_. Hoseok _hurt_ him.

This isn’t—this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Hoseok shouldn’t be hostile with Hyungwon, and Hyungwon shouldn’t be lashing out at Minhyuk. Why is Hoseok pushing him? It’s not… _fair_. None of it is _fair_. Why are they both against him? Why don’t they understand?

He grabs Hoseok’s hands, tries to pull them away. “Don’t touch me,” he warns, but his voice shakes.

The blond holds the younger against the mirror, and it’s almost embarrassing how little of a fight Hyungwon is able to put up against him. “What makes you think you can talk to your hyungs like that?” the older visual demands. “What’s your issue with us?”

With _us_ , not with Minhyuk. Hoseok is looking for confrontation. Hyungwon doesn’t want it. The younger attempts to pry the other’s fingers away unsuccessfully. “Hyung, stop it—,”

“Not until you answer me.” Hoseok denies. “Did the fight leave you as soon as you’re actually being confronted? Jesus Christ, Hyungwon-ah,”

“Hoseok, that’s enough.” Hyunwoo says, walking closer as if preparing to step in.

Still, the blond doesn’t let up. His grip on the other’s shirt tightens, and there’s a pained look in his eyes. “Is it because we’re dating? Is it because we’re gay?”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” Hyungwon argues, eyes flicking to Hyunwoo and Minhyuk. His hyungs can’t gang up on him like this; Hyunwoo needs to do something. But he doesn’t move to intercept.

“I think it has everything to do with it.” Hoseok accuses, “You hate us for being gay.”

Hyungwon can’t take any more. He brings his fists down on Hoseok’s muscled forearms, crying out, “Just because I hate _myself_ for being gay, it doesn’t mean I hate you!”

The room goes deathly silent. When Hyungwon’s brain catches up with his mouth, his heart plummets to the floor. A cold, dizzy feeling smothers him as he realizes what he had just admitted—out loud, in front of his entire group. _Oh, oh no_. His brain processes seem to slow to the speed of molasses, all but halting entirely. He thinks his hands start to shake as he slowly uncurls his fists, but his entire body is too numb to truly tell. Meeting Hoseok’s eyes, Hyungwon knows he fucked up.

Hoseok’s hands drop from the other’s shirt, shock etched clear in his expression; likewise, Minhyuk’s eyes are wide and round, jaw slack although he has the decency to cover his mouth with his hand. And, oh, the others all look similarly surprised and—dare he think it— _horrified_. Horrified, because now they can all see through Hyungwon, see how utterly shameful he is. It’s only when Hyungwon meets Changkyun’s strangely encouraging gaze that Hyungwon snaps out of his trance enough to grab his stuff and stumble towards the practice room door.

“Hyungwon, please wait—,” someone calls, but the visual ignores them as he leaves the studio. His long legs quickly carry him down the hall, away from his group before he can even decide where to go. If a few tears are shed as he exits the building and walks down the street, no one is around to see, so Hyungwon pretends it didn’t happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter only two days after the last update? and it's the longest one yet? :o  
> thank you for all the wonderful comments on the last chapter!! i really really appreciated them, and i think that was why i was so focused on getting this done (and also because i hate cliffhangers, even if i like to write them aha).
> 
> i have to put a warning at the beginning of this chapter: if you are sensitive to relatively-graphic depictions of binging/purging (mostly the emotions behind it as opposed to the acts themselves), please please **skip the beginning of the second section of this chapter** and start at the paragraph that begins with "Hyungwon allows himself to be dragged into another practice room,".  
>  i tried my best to portray this scene as respectfully as possible, using my own personal experience and others' stories, but i admit, it was rough. i've written this scene over a lot since i started the story. it's a hard thing to put into words, i think, and although i'm not completely happy with it, i don't think i can write it anymore.

Shin Hoseok isn’t gay.

At least, he doesn’t consider himself to be gay. He doesn’t care about gender. He’s dated girls in the past, and he’s dating a boy now. He supposes that might technically make him bisexual or something along those lines, but he just doesn’t care. All he needs is someone he likes to spend time with, and wants to spend time with him in return (but if they can cook ramen well too, that’s always a plus). He had that with his past lovers, and he has that now with Minhyuk.

So he really doesn’t understand why Hyungwon looked as though his entire world was crashing down when the younger inadvertently admitted to being gay. It shouldn’t be a big deal, right? It doesn’t even make sense, honestly. Why is he so afraid of admitting who he is? Hoseok and Minhyuk are both out to the members, and the dark-haired visual himself was the only one to react negatively to that. But Hoseok can’t erase the image of the dark-haired visual’s terrified eyes after he blurted out one of his innermost thoughts. And now Hyungwon is gone, and none of them have any idea where he went.

Minhyuk is pacing their dorm’s living room, nervously chewing on his fingernails like it’s the last lifeline he has left. It’s only been half an hour, but the silver-haired male is already a mess. Hoseok watches him from where he’s seated on the couch, both of their iPods and their landline phone on the cushion beside him. The two of them had been tasked to wait at the dorm in case Hyungwon came back; Jooheon and Changkyun are likely in a similar position back at the studio. Hyunwoo and Kihyun decided to check the area surrounding both places. All three pairs agreed to alert the others with any updates.

“We’re wasting our time here,” Minhyuk stresses. “He isn’t going to come back here—it’s obvious this is the first place we’d look for him!”

Hoseok shrugs. “Maybe he knows we would think that, and assume we wouldn’t check here?” This causes the younger male to pause and throw an incredulous look at his boyfriend. Hoseok smirks. “It’s good to have all of our bases covered.”

The other rolls his eyes out of frustration. “Well, you can cover this one alone, right? I don’t feel right sitting here and just waiting when Hyungwon could be seriously hurting himself.”

Sighing, Hoseok stands and approaches his boyfriend. “Calm down, Minhyuk. Hyungwon-ah isn’t stupid. He’ll come back, and he’ll be okay, and then we can talk this all out.” Somehow, with the dark-haired visual’s confession, Hoseok feels calmer about the entire situation. Maybe it’s because he knows the younger male doesn’t resent them, or maybe it’s because he feels more equipped to deal with the situation now that he knows what’s wrong. Either way, he feels reassured. Hyungwon doesn’t hate them, and that makes the thought of talking to him so much easier. This is fixable.

Minhyuk, on the other hand, seems to feel even worse. “You shouldn’t have yelled at him like that,” he berates. “You took things way too far, and now Hyungwon probably thinks we hate him. Oh my god, I need to find him.” He starts to move towards the dorm’s entrance, but Hoseok stops him.

“He’ll come back,” Hoseok says firmly.

“He admitted he _hates_ himself, Hoseok!” The younger shouts in reply. “He hates himself, and he thinks _we_ hate him, and we can’t find him, and he’s going to do something bad!” He chokes on a sudden sob, clutching Hoseok’s shoulders for support.

“Minhyuk, _stop_.” The blond gently takes hold of his boyfriend’s hands. Minhyuk is trembling, breathing too quick and shallow. He’s _panicking_ over this. Hoseok raises an eyebrow. “Hey,” he says, quiet, soothing. “It’s alright. Hyungwon-ah isn’t stupid. He’ll come back here or to the studio, and if he doesn’t, Hyunwoo-hyung and Kihyun-ah will find him. Either that, or the managers will get involved.” Minhyuk buries his face in Hoseok’s shoulder.

“I’m so worried,” Minhyuk whispers. “If something happens to him…”

“Nothing will happen.” Hoseok promises. He holds the younger close, doing his best to calm him down. It won’t help anything to have Minhyuk hyperventilating. The younger clings to him for support, takes several deep breaths until he’s calm again.

Eventually, Minhyuk relaxes. “You’re right,” he relents, voice quiet. “Hyungwon-ah wouldn’t do anything. I just… I really want to help him. We need to talk to him. Soon.”

Hoseok nods in agreement. “And we will. As soon as he comes back, we’ll let him know it’s all okay.” Because it is okay, and it’s going to be okay.

(If he knew just how bad things truly are, he might regret those words.)

* * *

 

Hyungwon refuses to think as he hurries down the busy streets of Seoul. His body is on autopilot, brain detached from everything as he does everything in his power to keep his thoughts shut down. It’s almost like he blacks out, but he’s still conscious and slightly aware. His surroundings feel distant and unreal, as if he’s trapped in a lucid dream he can’t force himself to wake up from.

He doesn’t know where to go. He doesn’t want to be found, not now and maybe not ever. That proves to be a problem as all he wants is to go back home and bury himself in blankets until the world forgets he exists. But he can’t—he _can’t_ —because he doesn’t know how he can face his members after that outburst, and he can’t possibly go to his parents’ house now. However, he does know he can’t stay outside and vulnerable right now.

Everything becomes a blur as he ducks into a small convenience store. It’s the first inviting-looking building he sees, brightly lit and much cooler than the remains of the summer blaze. Hyungwon should be relieved, but instead he feels scared and small. The world is crashing down around him, and he doesn’t know what to _do_. How does he fix this? How does he help himself? _What can he do_?

He blacks out—or at least, he thinks he does. Maybe it’s more like there’s a gap in his memory. He did something, but he can’t remember what happened. It’s almost as if he had been momentarily possessed.

When Hyungwon comes back to his senses, he isn’t quite sure where he is at first. He’s immediately aware he’s lying on the floor in a poorly-lit space. The room would be pitch-black if it weren’t for the small slivers of light peeking out from the small curtain hung over one of the windows. His head pounds, dull and aching, and his stomach churns with nausea. He slowly rises to his feet, stumbling only slightly as a burst of pain blossoms just behind his eyes. He wants to lie back down, curl up under the safety of his comforter at home, but he isn’t home and he needs to figure out what’s going on. It takes until he reaches the window for him to realize he’s in one of the smaller practice rooms at Starship’s studio. He flicks on the dim overhead light, and swallows hard when he sees the mess he left in his wake.

Torn food wrappers and empty plastic bags litter the floor. Chip bags, candy bar wrappers, and even soda cans are all piled around, open and at least partially consumed. One word echoes through Hyungwon’s shocked mind: _binge_. Binged, he had _binged_. It’s four shopping bags’ worth of junk food, and it’s all been torn into as if some wild animal had been let loose. Hyungwon’s brain tells him there’s no way he could have eaten all of that on his own, no way he could have betrayed his own agenda in so little time; the aching pain in his stomach protests otherwise. The visual sinks to his knees.

This is… this is awful. Today has been nothing but a train wreck, an absolute disaster. This is disgusting and shameful, and _no no no_ , how is he supposed to face the other members now? Not only had he plainly admitted to being gay, now he’s binged and wasted all the effort he put in for the last two months and _proved_ that he has absolutely no control over himself. A distressed whine leaves Hyungwon’s throat. He takes a deep breath, attempts to think clearly. Trash, he needs to pick up the trash, dispose of the evidence of his breakdown. If he can do that, he can deny this happened. No one ever has to know. He grabs one of the plastic shopping bags, crawls around the room and picks up all the food containers, haphazardly sweeps up the leftovers and crumbs. He stuffs everything at the bottom of the trash can in the room. Although it makes him feel a bit more in control of the situation, it doesn’t do anything to alleviate the nausea.

He can’t believe he _binged_. Hyungwon feels sick just thinking about it. It isn’t enough to get rid of the containers. He needs to get rid of what he ate. He won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t. He needs… needs…

A horrible idea sinks into his brain, settles around him like a suffocating sheet pulled tight around him. Slowly, mechanically, his legs carry him out of the practice room and into a nearby bathroom. He ensures that he’s entirely alone before shutting himself in a stall and dropping to his knees over the toilet. Part of him can’t believe he would even consider doing this, but the other parts knows he has to. _Just this once, I only need to do it just this once. I’ll never binge again, and then I’ll never have to do this again. Just once; it’s okay_. His hands clench into tight fists as he squeezes his eyes shut, a choked whimper sticking in his throat. He has to do this, the sooner the better. He’ll thank himself later, when the extra calories don’t stick with him. _It’s okay, it’s fine_. There’s no way he’s the only idol that’s been in this position. It’s fine. It’s fine. _It’s fine_. With shaky, reluctant hands, Hyungwon uncurls his fists and presses two fingers down his throat.

It doesn’t happen immediately. In fact, it takes a few tries before anything happens. But when he manages to successfully trigger his gag reflex, the vocalist wretches horribly. It feels _bad_. It hurts, and Hyungwon struggles to breathe as everything comes back up. The pressure makes his headache worse. He’s crying again, chest heaving violently. He wretches again, and again. He wants to stop, but he has no control. When it’s all over, Hyungwon’s body has no strength left. He slumps back against the stall, gasping for breath. The visual is trembling, shaking. He can’t move, can’t stop crying. He doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what he can do.

He doesn’t hear the door open, nor does he hear the footsteps approaching his stall until his name is being called, “Hyungwon-hyung? Is that you?” The model can only answer with a sob. _Changkyun_.

The shorter male easily unlocks the stall door from the outside, and Hyungwon tries not to flinch when the other murmurs a pitying, “Oh, Hyung…” Changkyun steps away from the visual, and Hyungwon hears the sink running as the maknae wets some paper towels. He cleans up Hyungwon’s face, concerned gaze trying to catch the vocalist’s blank eyes. Cradling the other’s face in his hands, Changkyun smiles sadly. “It’s alright, Hyung. Don’t hold back. I’ve got you.”

The visual focuses on Changkyun’s face, feeling overwhelmed. Seeing the maknae like this, so strong when the older male is not, Hyungwon realizes he’s made another big mistake. Fuck, what is he doing? He’s supposed to be a good example, someone to lead the way for the younger members. He may be closer to the maknae line within the group in terms of age, but that doesn’t give him an excuse to fail his dongsaengs like this.

And so Hyungwon doesn’t hold back. He cries into Changkyun’s shoulder, apologetic and guilty. He thought he had already cried out all the tears he had left, but they keep rolling down his face. Eventually, however, he can’t even find the energy to keep his head up. His sobbing tapers out to quiet hiccups, and he feels his body growing heavy.

“Come on, Hyungwon-hyung,” Changkyun says after Hyungwon quiets down. “Stay awake a little bit longer. You I can’t—,” he cuts himself off as he drags the taller male to his feet. There’s silence for several moments, but Hyungwon doesn’t notice the sudden tension as he leans fully into the other’s embrace. “Hyungwon-hyung,” Changkyun says very quietly. “Did you start… dieting?”

“I haven’t been dieting,” Hyungwon denies, his words running together as he begins to drift off. “I’ve just been practicing, Kyunnie. Always… practicing…” What’s he saying? He whimpers, “Changkyun-ah… please don’t tell anyone. Please, please don’t tell anyone about this.”

The rapper is quiet, helping Hyungwon out of the stall and over to the sink. He collects more wet paper towels, creating makeshift cold compress to alleviate the other’s red and puffy eyes. They’re quiet for a while. Hyungwon sniffles, terrified. Changkyun pulls a slow intake of air into his lungs. “C’mon, let’s go find Jooheon-hyung.” He murmurs, throwing one of Hyungwon’s arms around his shoulders and pulling the dancer along.

Hyungwon allows himself to be dragged into another practice room, the one he’d fled from a few hours ago. Jooheon is there, and he jumps up from where he’s seated on the floor when he sees the maknae and the visual. “Hyung! Hey, are you okay?” He rushes over to help Changkyun lower Hyungwon to the floor. The maknae sits behind him, and the vocalist lies down with his head in the younger’s lap. He doesn’t speak, just closes his eyes. This prompts Jooheon and Changkyun to whisper to themselves.

“Is he okay?”

“I’m not sure.”

“He looks bad.”

“I’m pretty sure he can hear you.”

Jooheon gives a sheepish laugh. “Uh, I’m gonna call Hyunwoo-hyung.” He decides, sitting down beside the two other idols. Changkyun leans in closer as Jooheon starts the video call, whereas Hyungwon turns away. He’s tired, and he doesn’t feel like talking. The call connects and Hyungwon hears Kihyun’s hushed voice greet the rappers. “Hi Hyung,” Jooheon almost singsongs. “Changkyun-ah found Hyungwon.”

“Seriously? So he did come back?” Kihyun says, relieved. His voice is a little distant as he calls, “Yah, Hyung, come here!”

“Something like that,” Changkyun answers, running his fingers through the visual’s dark hair. Hyungwon leans into the touch, appreciating the comfort. “Can you send Hyunwoo-hyung back here? I don’t think Hyungwon wants to go back to the dorm right now.” This assessment causes Hyungwon to look up at the other in question. He hadn’t mentioned the dorm at all; why would Changkyun assume he wants to stay here?

This seems to alarm Kihyun. “Why? What’s wrong?” he demands.

“Um, I doubt he wants to go anywhere.” Jooheon says. “He’s, like, partially comatose.”

Changkyun elbows him. “He’s not comatose.”

“I said _partially_!” Jooheon whines. Despite himself, Hyungwon gives a short, dry laugh. The rapper brightens at the sound. “Hey, he lives!” He cheers.

“He’s obviously alive, Hyung.”

“Seriously, Changkyun-ah, let _me_ live.”

“We’re close to the studio anyway,” Kihyun’s voice interrupts through the speaker. “We’ll see you in a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere!” The two rappers voice their agreement, and Kihyun hangs up the call. The three youngest members sit in an amiable silence. Jooheon checks his iPod, presumably texting someone. A spark of anxiety runs through Hyungwon at the thought of him messaging Hoseok or Minhyuk, but the feeling is short-lived. The visual feels oddly sated and calm now. Maybe it’s just from the overwhelming exhaustion he feels. The model doesn’t really care. All he knows is that he feels better now than he has in a long time. With Changkyun still petting his hair, he’s about ready to pass out.

He’s almost asleep by the time Hyunwoo and Kihyun arrive. The lead vocalist immediately focuses on the three seated on the floor. “Hyungwon-ah, thank god,” he sighs, smiling lightly. Relief blooms over Hyunwoo’s face as he lays eyes on the model.

“Hey, Hyung.” The visual waves a bit awkwardly. His voice hurts.

The shorter vocalist crouches beside Hyungwon, fussing over the younger. He and Changkyun help Hyungwon shuffle into an upright sitting position. “Where were you?” Kihyun demands in his mother-like tone. “Do you even know how worried we were? Minhyuk was convinced you were going to do something to hurt yourself.”

Hyungwon does his best to cover up the flinch that runs up his spine. “Um, I’m okay.” He says, and really, he’s only half-lying. Kihyun doesn’t need to know that, though. “Sorry for leaving, I just… uh…” he trails off.

Kihyun sighs. “I get it. It wasn’t a good situation for you, and you needed to get out. It shouldn’t have happened.”

Their leader joins them on the floor, shuffling closer. Hyungwon feels a cold sensation settle in his chest when their eyes meet. He can’t stop himself from softly questioning, “Why didn’t you stop it?” Hyunwoo should have pulled Hoseok away, should have stopped them before it ended the way it had.

The older male looks at him a bit helplessly, guilt in his eyes. “I, um, I just thought you and Hoseok needed to talk. You haven’t in a while, and neither of you initiate confrontation when there’s an issue, so when he started to push you for answers, I thought it would be good for you both.” He swallows nervously. “Hyungwon-ah, you know we’re a team, right? We’re supposed to be family. You… you had to know we wouldn’t judge you for something like your sexuality. We accepted Hoseok and Minhyuk, of course we’ll accept you too.”

Hyungwon bites his lip. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, not now and not ever. But he supposes that isn’t an option anymore. He sighs, “Thanks, Hyung, but I don’t think you could quite… understand my feelings about it. I just,” he pauses. He’s not going to tear up again. He doesn’t think he has the capacity to cry any more than he already has. “I can’t lose this,” he says quietly. “I can’t lose you guys.”

Hyunwoo’s expression twists sadly. “You won’t lose us, Hyungwon-ah, not over something like this. We’ll always support you. That’s what family is for.” Hyungwon’s heart hurts at that statement, but he doesn’t say anything else as he nods and attempts a shaky smile. It must not be convincing as Hyunwoo doesn’t smile back. Instead he pulls the visual into a loose embrace, soft and gentle.

Kihyun brushes the sides of Hyungwon’s face with the back of his hand. “You look tired. We should go home. I’ll see if we can cancel tomorrow’s practice.” Hyungwon only nods in agreement. Hyunwoo helps him stand, and the two younger members help the visual climb up on their leader’s back so the dancer can carry him back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of wonho's scene is based loosely off of [this post](http://pinkinmyimaginationarchive.tumblr.com/post/153733454154/mywooniverse-so-in-the-past-wonhowhen-he-was-in).  
> might possibly rewrite this later... we'll see.
> 
> people experience b/p cycles in different ways; the scene here was based off personal experience. please, if you or anyone you know has an eating disorder or displays signs of developing one, seek help from someone you trust. don't go through this alone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ~~this is late and i'm sorry~~  
>  thank you for the support on the last two chapters, it means a lot to me!  
> and thanks for all the comments both here and on tumblr! sorry i haven't been great at replying (life is hectic rn), but i still appreciate every comment/message i get <3  
> someone said they wanted to beat wonho over last chapter, and idk if this chapter helps that (didn't help me, but i wanna fight wonho 95% of the time anyway). but i hope he redeems himself a bit?

**jooheonie** 19:23  
> hyung!!  
> guess who we found~  
> we’re on our way back to the dorm

Minhyuk nearly cries when the other members return to the dorm. The silver-haired visual rushes to meet Hyungwon, enveloping the younger in his arms. “Are you alright? Oh god, Hyungwon-ah, I’m so sorry!” Hyungwon stumbles, surprised by the sudden embrace. He steps back, and Minhyuk tightens his grip as he follows the movement. “I was so _worried_. Are you okay?”

“Yah, Hyung, give him some space.” Kihyun says, tugging on the back of Minhyuk’s shirt. Reluctantly, the older male pulls away from the other visual. He pouts at Kihyun for good measure, and the lead vocalist only raises an eyebrow as he leads the way further into the dorm. Hyungwon starts for the hall leading to the bedrooms, but Hyunwoo is quick to direct him back to the living room couch. Kihyun, however, slips into one of the bedrooms.

The silver-haired visual’s dark eyes look the tallest vocalist up and down, taking in Hyungwon’s slouched posture and pale complexion as the other sits down. His hair is ruffled, eyes rimmed with the slightest bit of lingering red, although it’s hardly noticeable as he barely keeps them open. Overall, Hyungwon seems worn out. Minhyuk sits beside him on the arm of the couch, hands in his lap itching to hold onto the other. But he remembers how the younger had flinched away, and he resolves to keep his hands to himself. “Where were you?” He asks, quietly. He doesn’t want to seem confrontational or accusing, but he had been so _scared_.

Hyungwon stares down at his lap, arms hugging himself tightly. “I didn’t really go anywhere,” he mumbles after a moment. “I was still… still at the studio.” He blinks, mouth twisting uncomfortably. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun says sharply, and the older male’s eyes flick to the maknae. Hyungwon looks like he might cry.

“I-I just… I need a moment.” His gaze moves to Hyunwoo, begging. He looks miserable and scared and so, so young. Something in Minhyuk’s chest aches. “Please?” Their leader nods, offers a hand, walks with the younger when Hyungwon takes it. The rapper watches them with wide eyes until they’re gone from sight.

Hoseok steps in front of the maknae. “What happened?” He demands quietly. “What did he do?” Changkyun only blinks blankly at him, doesn’t say a word. Hoseok grimaces, “Maknae-ah, don’t do this right now.”

“It’s—it’s okay, Hyung.” Jooheon jumps in, glancing nervously between the two. “It, uh, wouldn’t it be better to hear it from Hyungwon himself? Changkyun was with me for most of the time.”

“But he obviously knows what happened!” Hoseok hisses. Jooheon’s eyes widen. Seemingly surprised by his own outburst, the blond draws back.

Minhyuk’s eyebrows pull together in confusion. Hoseok had been so calm earlier, enough that it had worried the younger visual. It was concerning how nonchalant he was, like he was content with how things with Hyungwon had gone. But now, as if seeing the other had knocked Hoseok out of his complacency, he looks panicked and stressed, as Minhyuk had been earlier. “Hoseok, calm down. Jooheon is right. We don’t need answers immediately. Hyungwon will tell us.” Changkyun turns towards Minhyuk, and the look on his face is far from reassuring. The silver-haired visual falters.

But Hoseok nods slowly. “Okay. Okay. I’ll wait for him to speak for himself.” He agrees, stepping away from the maknae. He walks over to Minhyuk’s side, burying his face in the crook of the younger’s neck. A slight tremble runs through the blond’s body. Minhyuk wraps an arm around him, holding him together. “Something bad happened.” He whispers into Minhyuk’s skin, quiet enough for only the other to hear. “You can see it in his eyes. He did something.”

Taking a shuddering breath, Minhyuk sighs. “We’ll talk to him. It’ll be okay. As long as we’re together, we’ll be okay.” He drags his gaze up, finds Changkyun staring after where Hyungwon had disappeared to, and Jooheon frowning down at the floor. He swallows dryly. “We’ll be okay.” _We have to be_.

* * *

 

Hyungwon’s mouth is filled with the taste of regret.

No matter how hard he scrubs, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get the taste out of his mouth. He feels disgusting as he brushes his teeth hard enough to make his gums bleed. Tears are brimming in his eyes again, and it’s all he can do not to whimper aloud. His tense body slumps when Hyunwoo gently lays a hand on his shoulder. “Stop, Hyungwon-ah.” He murmurs. Hyungwon rinses the toothpaste from his mouth, curling against Hyunwoo’s broad chest. He feels the lead dancer take a deep breath. “Are you alright?”

The younger shivers, whispers, “I’m scared.” It’s an understatement; he’s _terrified_. He’s never fucked up this colossally. He doesn’t know what to do. Everyone saw him break down, saw how much of a fool he is. He’s vulnerable here; he hates being vulnerable. He’s so scared of what they’ll think, what they’ll do. No one was supposed to know, and now they all do, and Hyungwon—

Hyungwon fucked up, and he can’t fix it.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying again (didn’t know he still could cry) until Hyunwoo is wiping his tears away, wrapping his arms around the visual. “You don’t need to be scared. This doesn’t change anything, Hyungwon. We all still love you the same, I promise. No one is going to shut you out or hurt you because of this. I won’t let it happen.”

“But you can’t stop _me_ ,” the younger breathes, not thinking about what he’s saying out loud. “You can’t protect me from myself.” Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything to that; Hyungwon doesn’t know if he even heard. He hopes he didn’t.

The leader is silent for another few moments until Hyungwon collects himself. He asks, “Are you alright to talk about this with the others?” Hyungwon shrugs; he’s so tired, but he knows he can’t avoid this. Hyunwoo nods, “If it’s too much, we’ll stop, but we need to discuss this.” Hyungwon kind of hates that it takes this much to get Hyunwoo into Leader Mode. But he nods, agrees, because that’s what Hyunwoo wants, what they all want, and Hyungwon is causing too much trouble.

Hyunwoo is steady as he leads the way back with the others. Shyly, Hyungwon ducks behind their leader when everyone turns to look at them. By this point, Kihyun has returned as well. He’s carrying a large comforter in his arms, and Hyungwon’s eyes widen in surprise when he recognizes it. The brunet vocalist gestures for the younger to sit on the couch again. When he complies, Kihyun carefully wraps the covers around him. Task completed, Kihyun smiles, too warmly. Hyungwon didn’t do anything to deserve this, especially not from Kihyun.

(If anything, Hyungwon deserves to be mocked and sneered at, not coddled and cared for.)

A water bottle is shoved into his hands, and the visual looks up to see Changkyun looking at him uneasily. “You’re probably dehydrated from all the c-crying.” He says, stumbling slightly. Hyungwon bites his lip nervously, but accepts the drink. His fingers tremble as he unscrews the cap.

Unsurprisingly, Minhyuk sits beside the younger visual again, but Hyungwon doesn’t expect Hoseok to join them on the dark-haired male’s other side. Hoseok’s eyes are _intense_. It’s like the older is trying to see through him, gaze into what’s hiding just beneath Hyungwon’s skin. Hyungwon finds himself unable to meet that gaze, too afraid of Hoseok finding his secrets. He busies himself with the water Changkyun gave him, not bothering to watch the others’ silent conversation as he waits for the first word to be said. They obviously don’t know how to approach him. Do they even know what’s wrong? Did Changkyun tell them what happened? No, he thinks Kihyun would have killed the visual by now if that had happened. The lead vocalist would have at least throttled him.

The dark-haired visual wishes Hyunwoo was beside him, maybe Changkyun too. Their leader is a neutralizing presence, and Hyungwon knows he can trust the maknae. Although, the youngest vocalist would also rather be sandwiched between Jooheon and Kihyun as opposed to the other two visuals.

Finally, Minhyuk sighs. His hand reaches into the blanket and grabs Hyungwon’s, gently pulls the water bottle out of his hands and clasps both of his hands around one of the younger’s own. “I’m gay.”

Hyungwon’s head whips up, startled. He’s ready to sneer at Minhyuk, thinking he’s teasing the younger, but he’s surprised to see the uncharacteristically serious look on the other’s face. The mood-maker continues once he sees he has Hyungwon’s full attention. “I’ve known I was gay since my childhood best friend and first crush cut all contact with me when I asked to kiss him.” He easily holds Hyungwon’s gaze as the younger blinks at him. “I was gay before that, obviously, but I just didn’t know what being gay was? I didn’t think about him being a boy. I just knew I loved him. I told my mom about it, crying because I was young and didn’t understand what I did wrong, and that’s when I first learned about my sexuality. She told me being gay wasn’t considered normal, and that there are people who will find that wrong and disgusting. But she let me know that she loved me despite it, and I would find true friends that would accept me no matter what. She promised I wasn’t alone, and there are other people like me and that there’s someone out there who will love me as much as I love them.”

He smiles then, warm and supportive, and Hyungwon’s stomach _hurts hurts hurts_ as it twists with anxiety. “Hyungwon-ah, you’re safe here. We all love you so, so much. If anyone here was going to judge you or shun you for your sexuality, it would have already happened to me and Hoseok.” His eyes flicker back to the blond behind Hyungwon, nodding encouragingly.

Hoseok clears his throat awkwardly, and Hyungwon partially turns to look towards him. “I wouldn’t say I’m gay?” He starts unsurely. “I like guys, yeah, but I still like girls too. I, uh, wasn’t lying when I said I don’t think gender matters. It just… it mattered to my image, and it still does, so that’s why I never said anything. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but I can’t blatantly come out, you know? And it didn’t even matter to me whether anyone knew or not, especially now when we aren’t supposed to date. But…” his eyes lift to meet Minhyuk’s. “I guess it matters now.” He smiles briefly before looking back to Hyungwon. “And I mean, I was scared to tell you guys about it. We’ve never really talked about that kind of stuff, so I had no idea what kind of reactions I’d get. But other than you, no one’s changed because of it.” Hyungwon flinches; Minhyuk squeezes his hand. “You don’t… you don’t need to be afraid of this, afraid of us. We aren’t going to shut you out because you don’t want to date girls.”

“Stop,” Hyungwon manages out, shaking his hand from Minhyuk’s. “Stop, stop, I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to have this conversation. Just—just forget about this, okay? Please, it doesn’t matter. Who cares how I feel about this? Nothing’s going to change. It’s not like your situation. Talking isn’t going to change anything.” He feels trapped here between the two people that have been the cause of his internal agony. He wants to walk away, get up and never think about this conversation again.

“What do you want to change?” Minhyuk murmurs, trying to be comforting as he rubs Hyungwon’s arm over the comforter. The dark-haired visual wishes the other would stop touching him, but he knows that’s how Minhyuk is. The mood-maker needs physical contact from others to feel safe and reassured, and he provides it for others when he thinks they need it.

Hyungwon feels like his chest is going to cave in on itself as he looks at the silver-haired vocalist’s earnest expression. The world is crumbling around the model as he meets Minhyuk’s warm and undeservedly accepting gaze. Hyungwon knows what he wants to change, and he also knows he’ll never have it. “Nothing,” he whispers, trapping the pressure of the situation in his chest. “I don’t want anything to change. That’s why I never… never said it out loud.” Hyungwon can’t tell Minhyuk and Hoseok the truth, because they’ll hate him, and Hyungwon will inevitably have to leave the group. They need to understand this. Why won’t they just stop?

But Minhyuk’s smile is sad and damning as he shakes his head. “We’ve already changed, Hyungwon-ah.”

The blunt statement freezes Hyungwon. Any answering remark he might have had dies in his throat as Minhyuk’s words settle around him. _We’ve already changed_. Have they changed? Does Minhyuk really think they’ve changed? Hyungwon had pulled back, yes, and he felt he didn’t quite belong with the couple now, yes, but that wasn’t change; it was just temporary. Right?

“No,” Hyunwoo says. Hyungwon blinks up at him; he had almost forgotten that others were even there. “We haven’t changed because of this.” Their leader denies. “That’s not what’s going on. We’ve changed because, Hyungwon-ah, you were afraid of what this secret would do, right? But there’s no reason for you to be afraid of us. We won’t let our group change just because some of us aren’t straight. But lying and hiding from each other will drive us all apart.”

Kihyun approaches the visuals on the couch, crouching in front of Hyungwon. “It isn’t us you’re afraid of.” He guesses softly. The model meets Kihyun’s gaze, willing himself not to outwardly react. Beside him, Hoseok’s body tenses. Dark eyes gaze at the taller male curiously as the lead vocalist’s head tilts to the side. “What are you so scared of?”

“I have a cousin,” Hyungwon blurts out, feeling heat rush to his face. “I was really close with her when I was young. She’s older than me, and she was in high school at the time. But I looked up to her so much, and I would be glued to her side whenever our families got together or she would babysit me, which would happen a lot. All of my other cousins would pick on me, because I was the youngest and I was small and skinny and I couldn’t really defend myself, but she protected me. She would tell me stories and play with me. I still remember a lot of the stories she told and the advice she gave me. Some of it was about life in general, but a lot of it was about love and how to be happy. She… looking back, it was obvious the stories she told were personal, based off herself.

“But then suddenly, I wasn’t allowed to see her anymore. She just stopped existing in my life. Someone else babysit me, and she wasn’t at family events. I don’t even know where she is now. A-and one day I asked about her, to my parents. It turned out she… her mother caught her k-kissing another girl, and the entire family disowned her. M-my mom just kept saying h-how sinful and disgusting she was for loving another girl, and I-I—I love my parents so much. I _need_ them. If they disown me, even now, I-I don’t think I could live through that.

“I’m an only child, and so I was always shown off to my parents’ friends and their colleagues. T-they’re already upset that I chose to go into entertainment. I-I can’t be any more of a disappointment to them.” Hyungwon breaks off with a dry sob, quickly burying his face in his hands. “I-I tried to like girls, really! Before I realized I was gay, I would try to find girls I liked, but it was never anything more than platonic. I’d say yes anytime I got asked out, but they would leave me after only a week or two, deservedly, because I couldn’t give them what they wanted. I-I can’t…” his voice shakes as sudden self-pity and hatred lances through his chest. “I can’t be anything anyone wants me to be. I just keep disappointing everyone around me, and I…” His voice grows very, very soft. “I can’t ruin this. I can’t make you all h-hate me.”

Almost instantaneously, a pair of strong arms wrap around the lanky dancer and tuck him against a broad chest. The comforter hung loosely around the model falls as Hoseok holds Hyungwon close, and the younger male can feel the way his body shudders with each breath. “If your parents can’t accept you, you’re better off without them.” He says evenly.

“I’m such a _selfish_ son, Hyung.” Hyungwon whimpers.

“No no no,” Minhyuk denies. “Being gay isn’t selfish, Hyungwon-ah. You haven’t done anything wrong.” His hands rub Hyungwon’s back comfortingly. Someone else curls their arms around Hyungwon’s waist. Soon everyone joins them, in some weird group hug with Hyungwon squished in the middle. Hyungwon’s hands are both held by two different people, one he recognizes as the reassuring weight of Changkyun and the other he thinks is Jooheon. There’s a head resting against his thigh, a face pressed into his hip. Minhyuk’s body presses up against his back. Strong fingers brush through his dark hair, lingering at the back of his neck.

It’s too much. Hyungwon was already weak in the aftermath of his episode earlier. All this stress is only making him feel worse. He can’t cry, too physically drained. So instead he simply chokes out one last, trembling sob as he allows himself to sink into unconsciousness whilst held in the reassuring embrace of his band members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this chapter made me want to write shownu/hyungwon fluff. they are so cute, i love them so much.  
> i'm interested in what you guys are thinking so far? i wanna know where you guys want to see this story going.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this is late and also merry christmas!!  
>  ~~this chapter is rlly shitty and way too long and i'm sorry~~

Hoseok doesn’t let go of Hyungwon even when the others begin to pull away from the rather impromptu group hug. An intensely protective feeling had overwhelmed the blond when Hyungwon had opened up about his parents, and it hadn’t quite faded yet. Holding the younger close like this is the only thing alleviating those intense emotions.

First hand, Hoseok had never had to experience discrimination from his parents. His mom loved him, even when Hoseok had done awful things. She did everything she could to make him and his siblings happy. They had only had a passing conversation regarding Hoseok’s sexuality, and it was enough for the blond to know his mom would support him no matter what. But Hoseok has second-hand experience with parents not accepting their children’s sexual orientation or gender identity, and even the thought of it is enough to make his blood boil.

Maybe he overreacted a bit with Hyungwon, but he needs the younger to know his worth doesn’t come from his parents’ opinions.

Minhyuk smiles faintly at the two visuals, gently tucking the comforter around Hyungwon’s body. “Should we take him back to his room?” He murmurs, glancing towards Kihyun and Hyunwoo. It’s only now that Hoseok realizes Hyungwon is asleep in his arms.

From his crouched position on the floor, the lead vocalist frowns. “I don’t really want to leave him alone like this.” He says, “Maybe we could all stay out here with him?”

This seems to bring back some of Jooheon’s normal positivity. “Yeah, like a team-bonding sleepover,” he agrees with a tiny grin.

Kihyun’s lips quirk into a slight smile and nods. “Sure. We can take the rest of the night off, order delivery, catch up on some dramas or watch movies, and we can all get our blankets and sleep out here.” He seems pleased with the idea as he looks over the others expectantly.

“That sounds good to me,” Changkyun comments, still holding Hyungwon’s hand. His eyes are soft as he stares at the visual’s long fingers. An odd, anxious feeling tugs at Hoseok’s gut, and his arm around Hyungwon’s shoulders tightens.

Lips pursed, Jooheon tugs on Changkyun’s sleeve. “Hey, we might as well get our stuff now, right?” His expression is expectant. The maknae looks at him flatly before reluctantly nodding. Jooheon seems relieved, “We’ll get Minhyuk and Kihyun hyungs’ stuff too.” The rapper drags the younger away, surprisingly eager.

Behind the couch, Hyunwoo reaches to brush Hyungwon’s hair back in place. “I’ll get your covers, Hoseok-ah.” He says quietly. Hoseok murmurs a quick _thanks Hyung_ before their leader follows the maknaes.

“Hoseok, let’s lay him down in a more comfortable position.” Minhyuk suggests. A bit hesitant, Hoseok helps the silver-haired vocalist ease Hyungwon backwards into the younger’s lap. It feels cold without the warm weight of the other’s body in his arms. Hoseok looks down at Hyungwon’s face, glad to see the stress no longer marring the other’s slack features. The worry lines had smoothed out, the tight lines of his mouth relaxed. He looks peaceful—if Hoseok ignores his pallid, yet blotchy complexion, the way his skin pulls a little tighter over his face than normal. The blond wants to hold him again.

But then Minhyuk begins gently brushing the younger’s hair and face with his fingers, attentive and caring, and the overprotective feeling in Hoseok’s chest settles. He doesn’t understand why, and he doesn’t try to think about it either. He simply curls the dark-haired model’s legs around the eldest visual’s body on the couch. Hoseok takes a deep breath. This had been a long day.

It’s only now that Hoseok looks over to see Kihyun watching them curiously. The lead vocalist is still sitting on the floor beside them, leaned back as he supports himself with his hands. He frowns slightly, “Do you think he’ll be alright like that?”

The silver-haired visual blinks wide-eyed at Kihyun. “What do you mean?”

Kihyun huffs out a short sigh. “Never mind. I’ll call the manager.” His eyes are sympathetic as he stands and grabs the phone.

“We still need to talk to him,” Minhyuk reminds, gesturing to the youngest vocalist.

With a shrug, Kihyun replies simply with, “Let him sleep for now. We’ll deal with it later.” And with no other words, he walks off. Hoseok watches him leave, idly petting Hyungwon’s thigh.

Getting over his confusion, Minhyuk pushes a smile on his face as he turns to his boyfriend. “I know we didn’t get to talk about everything, but I’m glad we got Hyungwon-ah to open up to us.” He says. Hoseok nods absently. He can hear the words Minhyuk is saying, but he isn’t really paying attention to what he means. The younger visual reaches forward and grabs Hoseok’s hand. Startled, Hoseok looks up at the other’s concerned eyes. “Are you okay?”

Hoseok scoffs. “Of course,” he says.

“I’m stressed too. It’s not selfish to admit you’re tired or worried. We’re not…” Minhyuk pauses, obviously struggling for the right words. “We should be honest with each other. I think it would help if we talked about our feelings with each other. Because bottling this stuff up obviously isn’t healthy.”

The blond looks down at Hyungwon, licking his lips nervously. “Do you think he’s okay?” He questions quietly.

Minhyuk offers a reassuring smile. “I think he’s hurting right now, but so long as he has support, he’ll be better than he was before this breakdown.” He squeezes Hoseok’s hand. “He’ll be just fine.” And the sentence is sincere enough that the blond gives a weak smile of his own. That’s right; Hyungwon shouldn’t feel the need to hide anymore, and the group will accept him with open arms. He’ll realize he doesn’t need his parents’ approval to thrive. It will all work out now.

* * *

 

Changkyun’s heart won’t stop racing. Outwardly, he’s calm, but his insides are twisting up with anxiety.

He hasn’t been able to calm down since he first found Hyungwon. The image of the other’s sobbing form curled up on the floor of the bathroom stall was burned into the forefront of his mind, and Changkyun isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to forget it.

Jooheon is quick to close the bedroom door behind the two rappers. Changkyun watches him blankly as the taller male takes a deep breath before rounding on the maknae. He side-eyes Changkyun unsurely, then leans over and speaks in a low voice as if to make sure no one else overhears, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” the younger mutters. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

The other shrugs, “For part of the same reason Hyungwon-hyung isn’t?” He tries, “Look, Changkyun-ah, if something happened, you know we’re going to have to talk about it, as a group.” The rapper gives Changkyun a meaningful look full of concern. “We can’t function if one of our members is hurting this badly.”

Changkyun takes a deep breath. “Hyung, I really don’t know what to tell you.”

Jooheon stares at him, “You could tell me the truth. What happened at the studio? What happened with Hyungwon-hyung?”

The maknae blinks, feigning innocence. “What do you mean? I just happened to run into Hyungwon-hyung in the bathroom.” He can’t tell Jooheon the full story, not yet. Nausea pools in his stomach just thinking about what he had walked into. In all honesty, he isn’t sure himself what had truly happened. He has his own suspicions, of course, but he doesn’t know how much of what he remembers is simply his imagination filling in the gaps.

Because there’s no way what he thinks happened _actually_ happened. _Right_?

He would have just brushed it off as Hyungwon legitimately being sick if the other hadn’t cried so hard, hadn’t left them in such a panicked rush, hadn’t asked Changkyun to keep it a secret. Something horribly wrong must have happened to turn the cool and unaffected vocalist into a sobbing mess. Changkyun wants to talk to him about it one-on-one before telling the other members.

He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but there’s a lot supporting the idea that Hyungwon had purposefully gotten sick. Aside from the situation at the time, Hyungwon had already displayed a very obvious agitation towards food. The visual had been refusing to eat in front of the others, and Changkyun had found out he’d been eating less than he should be. It was information Hyungwon had unknowingly let slip during one of their walks. The rapper had been trying to encourage him to eat when they were together, in a way that was less straightforward than Minhyuk had been in the practice studio. Changkyun recognized that sort of approach wouldn’t work; he wished Minhyuk had the sense to be more tactful. This breakdown, and the possible fallout, would likely set Hyungwon further back.

The taller rapper looks at the younger male critically, an uneasy frown pulling at his normally relaxed features. “If it’s something serious, Changkyun-ah, we need to tell the others.”

Changkyun shakes his head. “It’s fine, Hyung. Nothing happened.” Has he ever lied so blatantly to Jooheon’s face before? He can’t remember. But this isn’t his secret to tell, not yet. He needs to confirm his suspicions first.

Changkyun prays he’s wrong. Because if he’s right… he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. All he truly knows is that he can’t risk hurting Hyungwon. The rapper knows Hyungwon needs support right now, whether Changkyun’s assumptions are right or not. The vocalist needs someone he can trust, and telling the others would betray the trust Changkyun is trying to build between them. Even though it would probably be in the visual’s best interest for the others to know, Changkyun is decidedly a little selfish.

Because as gross as it sounds, Changkyun wants Hyungwon to _need_ him.

Hyungwon is beautiful and confident, mature and smart. He says things like he means them, straight and no-nonsense. Even so, he’s still able to goof off with the rest of them. In front of their fans he’s shy, but when he isn’t in front of an audience full of starry-eyed girls, he isn’t afraid to be himself. He doesn’t hesitate to support his members, and no one is afraid to ask him for help. Despite this, he keeps his own worries and concerns to himself. Changkyun tries to get him to open up, easily seeing through the unaffected front he tries to put up. Since they had become Monsta X, Changkyun had wanted his members to trust him. At this point, they all trust each other enough, but Hyungwon still refrains from sharing his more private thoughts with anyone.

It’s hard to watch Hyungwon allow his insecurities to consume him like this. With no outlet, the visual is suffering with no relief. Changkyun wants to be the one Hyungwon confides in, the one Hyungwon trusts implicitly. The rapper can’t rat out his secrets, not yet. He can’t until he knows how bad Hyungwon is hurting. He’ll make sure the visual doesn’t need to depend on someone who isn’t there for him anymore.

When Jooheon and Changkyun return to the others, the two eldest members have already pushed back the furniture in the living room (with Hyungwon and Minhyuk still on the couch as it’s shoved away), and the rappers are tasked with laying out the blankets and pillows on the floor. Meanwhile, Minhyuk and Kihyun argue the logistics and worth of building a blanket fort after the latter returns from calling their manager. Kihyun ends up winning the debate after Hyunwoo agrees he doesn’t think it will work, and Minhyuk pouts for a good five minutes. On his part, Hyungwon doesn’t even stir throughout the noisy exchange, but that’s to be expected from someone who can sleep through their manager’s snoring.

Kihyun and Jooheon decide what food to go ahead and order, whilst Hoseok and Minhyuk discuss the drama lineup for the night. Changkyun takes this moment to breathe, maintaining some form of physical contact with the dark-haired visual as the maknae sits on the edge of the couch. It’s a bit crowded, with Hyungwon’s long body stretched across the cushions and Minhyuk sitting with the younger’s head in his lap. Hoseok has resumed his position on the arm of the couch by Minhyuk, whereas Changkyun sits on the opposite side. He hopes no one else decides to join them; it’s uncomfortable enough like this.

After the lead vocalist orders their food, the other three members rejoin them in the living room, and they flip the TV on to some music show while they continue to debate what to watch first. Changkyun doesn’t participate much; there’s only one thing he’s interested in anyway. His gaze doesn’t stray far from the vocalist beside him for too long. He needs to talk to the other soon. He still can’t calm down.

The group finally decide on a drama, and their food arrives after the second episode ends. The boys spread out the takeout boxes on the floor, continuing to watch the drama as they eat. Hyungwon hasn’t stirred since he fell asleep, and everyone decides to let him continue to rest. Changkyun doesn’t move too far from the other’s unconscious form. He wants to be by his side when the visual wakes up.

* * *

 

 _Warm_. That’s the first sensation that registers in Hyungwon’s mind. Warm, and annoyingly cramped.

Hyungwon wakes up dizzy, disoriented, and achey. He groans quietly as he peels his eyelids open, blinking blearily at his dimly-lit surroundings. He’s in the main room of the dorm, lying on the couch and curled up under his comforter. The TV in front of him is on, the volume turned down so low he almost can’t hear it. A few of the other members of Monsta X are spread out on the floor, asleep. Hyunwoo and Jooheon are sprawled out closer to the TV, whereas Hoseok is sitting against the couch, head leaned back on the cushions in an undoubtedly uncomfortable position. Minhyuk, Kihyun, and Changkyun are missing. If he was more awake, Hyungwon would be concerned over the combination, but the memories of the past twelve hours are still hazy, so he doesn’t quite care. All he knows is it’s warm here, safe. If the visual wasn’t so physically uncomfortable, he’d be content to lie here forever.

But his throat is dry and his body generally sore, so he attempts to push himself into an upright sitting position. It’s a struggle to go against his body’s want to stay still. A hand grabs his shoulder and eases him into a comfortable sitting position, and a cold glass is pressed into both of his hands. With bleary eyes, Hyungwon gazes up at the person standing over him. “Changkyun-ah?” His voice is nothing more than a dry rasp.

The other’s head tilts to the side as he stands beside the visual. “How are you feeling?” He asks, tone hushed.

Hyungwon shrugs. “Tired,” he mumbles. Changkyun cracks a slight smile. The visual takes a drink of the water he had been handed. It feels good against his sore throat. His voice is stronger as he asks, “What time is it?”

“It’s almost ten, but I guess everyone else was pretty tired too.” He gestures at Hoseok. Hyungwon manages a weak scoff.

The two males are quiet, watching the TV. Hyungwon isn’t sure if the silence is amiable or awkward, but he doesn’t mind it. He’s done enough talking today. Changkyun sits on the couch beside him, careful not to disturb Hoseok, and whispers, “We got chicken delivered for dinner. There’s still some left, if you want. Kihyun made sure to save you some.”

“Mm,” he makes an absent noise of acknowledgment. He doesn’t feel like eating; he’d rather go back to sleep. He’s still tired. “Where is Kihyun?”

This question causes the younger idol to pause. “He’s with Minhyuk-hyung,” he says decisively. “They want to talk to you.”

“Oh,” That didn’t sound good. He tugs on Changkyun’s sleeve, urging him closer before whispering, “Did you tell them?” It’s a bit of a worthless effort as Hyungwon swears he can hear his quiet inquiry echo around the large room.

Changkyun doesn’t seem worried, though. “I, um, wanted to ask you about it before I said anything.” He admits. Hyungwon breathes a silent sigh of relief. This isn’t a subject he wants to discuss with the others. It’s shameful enough for the maknae to know; Hyungwon _can’t_ let his hyungs find out. At this rate, he’ll end up falling apart at the seams.

The rapper reaches for the dark-haired vocalist. “Hyung, will you tell me what happened?” He asks, eyes begging. “Please, I want to help you.”

Hyungwon licks his lips nervously. “You know what happened.” He answers. “You saw.”

“I don’t know, Hyung, I didn’t see.” Changkyun claims. He looks decidedly sad and maybe even desperate as he grips Hyungwon’s thin wrists. “I can only guess. I need you to tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.”

The hazy feeling from before comes back. Hyungwon has trouble meeting Changkyun’s gaze. The glass in his hands is slipping; he places it on the floor. “Don’t make me say it,” he says, his tone coming off as more pleading than authoritative. “Changkyun-ah, I can’t say it.”

The maknae takes a deep breath, moves closer to the visual. Carefully, as if Hyungwon is made of porcelain, he holds the other’s shoulders and leans in close to whisper in his ear, “Did you do it on purpose?” The visual’s body is almost unbearably tense as he nods almost imperceptibly against Changkyun’s shoulder. Unfortunately, the younger notices. His grip on Hyungwon tightens. “Oh, Hyung…”

“Don’t,” Hyungwon interrupts, voice too loud in his own ears. “Don’t get mad at me; don’t pity me. You don’t know what happened.” He suddenly feels anxious, defensive. Changkyun needs to stay on his side.

“If you would tell me, I would know,” Changkyun points out.

Hyungwon closes his eyes, swallows nervously. What can he say? Changkyun isn’t stupid, nor is he one to give up on something he wants. Hyungwon can’t ignore it, and he can’t lie either. After a moment of pained consideration, Hyungwon concedes. “You can’t tell anyone,” he starts weakly. Changkyun nods, expression too eager. Hyungwon takes a moment to try and settle his nerves before speaking again. This is shameful and humiliating. It’s bad enough he allowed it to happen; why does he have to admit it out loud? It isn’t… fair. Hyungwon isn’t going to do it again (he promises, swears), so can’t he just forget it happened?

But then Changkyun takes Hyungwon’s hands, slots their fingers together, murmurs, “It’s okay, Hyung. I only want to help you.”

A weird feeling settles over Hyungwon as he slowly meets the rapper’s gaze. The hazy feeling intensifies, and the vocalist feels oddly floaty. There’s warmth in Changkyun’s eyes, a promise of safety. Changkyun will help him; he’s on Hyungwon’s side. As quiet as he can manage, he breathes, “I binged.”

Changkyun blinks, visibly surprised. “You… what?”

The visual lowers his gaze, leans forward to tuck his head into the crook of the rapper’s neck. “I binged,” he repeats, and he’s strangely relaxed this time. “And then I made myself throw it all back up. So it’s okay now.” And it is. Although it’s still shameful for Hyungwon to have lost control and fell into a binge episode, it’s okay, because he dealt with it. Why should he be ashamed? Shouldn’t he be _proud_ for handling the situation correctly? (Because really, what other choice did he have?)

A pair of arms wraps around Hyungwon’s slim frame. “Hyung. It’s not… No, that’s not ‘okay’.” He denies. “It’s unhealthy—it’s _dangerous_. What if you get sick or hurt—what if you _die_?”

Hyungwon draws into himself, startled by the question. “I won’t die.” He denies, voice very small. “I’m okay. I didn’t mean to binge—it was an accident. It won’t happen like that again. I won’t lose control. Today was a bad day.” Hyungwon won’t break down like that again. He’ll keep control over himself. It’s fine; he sees that now. “I promise.”

Changkyun doesn’t say anything right away. Hyungwon can feel his pulse quicken against his skin. It’s strange; why is Changkyun nervous? There’s nothing wrong; Hyungwon _promises_. But the rapper sighs. “Are you going to tell the others?”

“No,” Hyungwon hums. They won’t understand. “Can I trust you?”

The rapper’s breath seems to hitch with surprise. “Yeah,” he whispers. “You can trust me, Hyung.” The visual pulls away from the other with a lazy smile. Changkyun starts to say something else, but they’re interrupted by approaching footsteps.

“Oh, Hyungwonnie!” The two males on the couch look up to see Minhyuk and Kihyun entering the living room. The latter smiles widely, walking over to hug Hyungwon close. The dark-haired visual hates how he melts against the other, not realizing how much he missed being held by Minhyuk. It’s stupid. But Minhyuk seems happy. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he admits honestly. He watches as Kihyun stands in front of them. His head tilts to rest on Minhyuk’s shoulder. “What were you guys doing?”

“Just talking,” Kihyun says dismissively. “How long have you been up?” His eyes stray over to Hoseok’s sleeping form. Hyungwon follows his gaze, grinning despite himself when Kihyun kicks the eldest visual. Hoseok groans in protest, eyelids fluttering, although he doesn’t fully wake. He looks up, blinks at Hyungwon before rolling over to sprawl across the other’s long legs.

“Not too long,” the dark-haired visual answers. Even so, he wants to go back to sleep already.

Minhyuk brushes his fingers through dark hair, urging Hyungwon forward so the older male can sit on the couch behind him. “Kihyun got the manager to agree to give us tomorrow off,” he singsongs quietly; Hyungwon can hear the smile in his voice. “We’ll take it easy, okay? Whatever you want,” he pushes Hyungwon’s bangs out of his face. “How does that sound?”

“It sounds like I’m gonna spend a lot of time sleeping.” He replies dryly.

Kihyun scoffs. “You won’t get to sleep the day away, unfortunately. You still need to tell us where you were earlier.” Hoseok mumbles an agreement into the fabric of the youngest vocalist’s sweatpants.

Hyungwon was hoping they would forget about that. He sighs. “I just… needed to leave for a little while. I came back, but I felt so anxious facing you guys again after what happened, that I went into the bathroom and worked myself up enough that I, uh, threw up.” He coughs a bit awkwardly to hide his stutter, briefly glances at Changkyun. His lips are pressed together in a thin line, eyes intense as they lock with Hyungwon’s. “That’s how Changkyun-ah found me.” The rapper doesn’t say anything. The dark-haired visual breathes a silent sigh of relief. “It was just a bit… overwhelming. I think I’m okay now.”

The arms around him tighten. “Don’t try to reassure us you’re okay. We know you’re not.” Hyungwon cranes his head back to look up at Minhyuk. The smile is gone, replaced with concern. “It doesn’t take one conversation to get over that kind of self-hatred—I know that. From now on, we’re going to have each other’s backs through everything. Okay? No matter what, we won’t abandon each other.”

The youngest visual swallows thickly. “Sure, Hyung.” He yawns. “But right now, I just want to sleep.”

Minhyuk laughs lightly, curling his arms tight around the younger. “Sounds good, Hyungwonnie. You should drink some more water first, though.” Hyungwon nods, drinks the rest of what’s in his glass, and Kihyun leaves to get him more. Minhyuk rubs Hyungwon’s long arms. “I’m so glad you opened up to us, Hyungwon-ah. It’ll be so much better, I promise. We’re all here for you.”

“We love you, Hyungwon.” Hoseok adds sleepily, already dozing off again.

Hyungwon’s heart jumps. He purses his lips tightly, tries to let go of the false hope rising in his chest, focuses on the warmth of Minhyuk’s embrace. It doesn’t mean anything, not at all, but he wants it to so badly. He wants them to mean it like he does when he quietly replies, “I love you guys too.” But they don’t, and they never will, and that’s such a crushing thought that Hyungwon can’t help the slight tremble that runs down his spine. His chest aches, and he doesn’t think the pain will ever be alleviated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does hyungwon's turnaround seem too abrupt? i know i suck at pacing, but this time i can't tell... i might rewrite this chapter. probably not, but maybe.  
> idk how much longer this story will be, but i've still got some tricks up my sleeve, so prepare for more angst soon, yay.  
> if i don't update beforehand: happy new years!! let's hope 2017 is better than 2016 was, aha.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this took so long!! january is one of the busiest months for me, so don't expect any more chapters this month, sorry.  
> this is probably rushed and weird, but i feel really bad, so i'm just gonna throw it out here.  
> thank you for being patient, aha. i'm grateful for the support <3  
> also happy birthday to hyungwon, my fav ~~meme~~ .

For a brief period of time, Hyungwon feels okay again. Although he tried to avoid it at first, Hoseok and Minhyuk stick by him after his breakdown. They try and help him see he’s supported, indulge his longing for skin-ship with the other visuals. It’s pathetic how much he needs their touches and attention to feel whole. The others don’t seem to mind, though, what with how they continue to humor him. And that’s all it truly is—Hoseok and Minhyuk pitying such a broken mess trying to pass as a functional human being and handing over their support until Hyungwon can stand on his own again. They’ll leave soon enough, and Hyungwon will have to work harder at pretending he’s okay.

But for now it feels good. Hoseok and Minhyuk act like nothing’s changed, and it’s like how it used to be for a little while. They’re getting close to starting promotions again do they don’t have as much time, but the visuals spend their free time together and goof around during practices like they used to. Hyungwon even goes back to a stable meal schedule as he goes out with the others to spend more time with them. Hoseok’s touch settles the anxiety and self-doubt within him, and Minhyuk smiles at him with all the warmth of the sun. For once, they feel like stars within reach. It’s so unbelievably comforting and relieving that Hyungwon regrets any time spent without them. But like a moth to a flame, Hyungwon should have known that getting too close would only result in him getting burned.

It’s regrettable, though, because being with them doesn’t help Hyungwon get over them. It settles the heartache temporarily, but it won’t save his feelings in the long run; if anything, it just makes his feelings more intense. He knows this, but he can’t seem to stop himself from chasing them anymore, not when they seem within reach. They aren’t, though, and Hyungwon needs to accept it.

But how can he, when _Minhyuk_ keeps holding him and looking at him like he’s so precious and important? The silver-haired visual makes a _point_ to stay close to the younger, to hold him tight and tell him he’s accepted and needed. It’s to make sure Hyungwon doesn’t harm himself, or something, he assumes, but that just hurts him more. Because sometimes it feels like love—the kind of love the younger _aches_ for. Hyungwon has to actively remind himself Minhyuk does _not_ return his feelings, that the other’s heart belongs to Hoseok and only Hoseok (and that Hoseok belongs to Minhyuk alone as well). Hyungwon feels selfish and guilty for taking time from the couple. He’s in the way.

It goes on for long enough that Hoseok grows frustrated with Hyungwon’s presence. Hyungwon overhears him talking to Minhyuk about it— _“We haven’t had time just the two of us lately; why don’t we have a quick lunch date?”_ et cetera—and strangely, Minhyuk would always find a reason to bring Hyungwon along too. And it stops being nice and starts being awkward and uncomfortable. There’s tension between him and Hoseok now, and he doesn’t understand why Minhyuk is ignoring it.

They get to a point where Hoseok is outright _asking_ Hyungwon to give them some space. “Maybe you shouldn’t, uh, hang out with us as much anymore. You understand, right? I just want to have a little time just Minhyuk and me.” Hyungwon only nodded mutely, and Hoseok had smiled widely. “Thanks, Hyungwon-ah. Hey, why don’t we all go eat some ramen tonight?”

Hyungwon had shook his head. “No, I’m working on our routine.” And this marks the beginning of him slipping back into bad habits as he turns his back on Hoseok.

The conversation just proves how unwanted he is, how _selfish_ he’s being. So the next time Minhyuk asks Hyungwon to go out with him and Hoseok, the dark-haired visual declines—as he does the time after that, and after that. Within two weeks, Hyungwon has gone from being ‘okay’ back to being miserable again. Would it be better to spend the rest of his life painfully longing for them from the sidelines or live with the guilt of keeping them apart by being a constant third-wheel? He doesn’t know; it all hurts.

But again, Minhyuk doesn’t give him the option to decide (he controls too many aspects of Hyungwon’s life). He decides when the younger has worked enough and when he should eat or rest and when he should “stop pouting by himself.” So he’s unable to do what Hoseok wants after all, not when Minhyuk drags him into the living room and lies his head in the younger’s lap to keep him from leaving. Although… if it’s really what Minhyuk wants, should Hyungwon protest? Maybe it’s okay to be happy with this?

Evidently, it isn’t.

In hindsight, he should have expected something like this to happen. He knows Hoseok, knows how kind he can be—but he also knows how mean he can get when he feels threatened. It takes a lot to incite the mean side of the older as opposed to the emotional side, but Hyungwon supposes he deserves it.

That night, Hyungwon and Kihyun had been left at the studio to practice on their own. The lead vocalist had claimed to be struggling with bits of the choreography, and Hyungwon had agreed to help him. It goes smoothly (miraculously), but Kihyun chooses now to be nitpicky about his own dancing, and they practice the routine far more than they need to. It’s _late_ when they finish, and Hyungwon is tired enough to fall asleep right where he’s standing. When Kihyun decides to call it a day, Hyungwon would have cheered if he wasn’t so close to passing out. It’s a wonder they even get home.

They part ways at the entrance, Kihyun tiredly trudging towards his shared bedroom to presumably prepare for bed, and Hyungwon goes to the kitchen to re-fill his water bottle before following suit. He stops short, however, at the scene he finds in the room. The younger walks in on Minhyuk pinning Hoseok back against the kitchen counter, the two locked in a languid, relaxed kiss. Minhyuk’s arms are loosely wrapped around Hoseok where they rest against the counter, and the older holds him close with his fingers threading through silvery hair. They move slowly against each other, learning and testing. Their eyes are closed even as they breathe sweet nothings against their lips. It’s so loving and saccharine; it’s enough that Hyungwon is nauseous just from watching. But that’s not the sensation the youngest visual is experiencing. No, he feels the finality and emptiness as he knows he’s been completely shoved out of the picture.

Their noses bump, and Hoseok pulls back slightly to laugh into the kiss as his eyes flutter open, and that’s when it happens. His gaze meets Hyungwon’s, and his demeanor shifts. No longer are his actions innocent and cute as he tilts Minhyuk’s head to the side and deepens the kiss possessively. His eyes are daring, as if saying to Hyungwon, _try and take him from me_. Hyungwon feels sick.

The younger turns on his heel, narrowly avoiding running into the wall behind him as he quickly escapes the scene. The bathroom is free, so he ducks in and locks the door, winces after slamming it too hard. His hands scramble for the light switch, before he collapses to the floor. How could he react like that? Now Hoseok will have the wrong idea. He’ll think it’s all about Minhyuk, but it’s not about just him, and why does the older male have to be so jealous? Hyungwon hasn’t done anything, and he won’t do anything, and why does Hoseok have to be so _mean_?

There’s a knock at the door; Hyungwon tenses. “Hey, hurry up. I need to take a shower.”

The visual sniffles, only just realizing he’d been on the verge of tears. “Go away, Kihyun-hyung.” He intends to sound authoritative, or at least cross, but his voice shakes and it’s obvious he’s about to cry. That’s awful, right? He’s going to _cry_ because his two best friends that are dating were _kissing_ and he’s so fucking _lonely_. Hyungwon doesn’t know how he could hate himself any more than he does right now.

On the other side of the door, Kihyun is quiet, and Hyungwon assumes (hopes) he left. After a relatively long period of silence, Hyungwon sinks against the floor. The nausea in his stomach only grows, and Hyungwon thinks he might end up throwing up.

But there’s another knock at the door, and before Hyungwon can snap at Kihyun to take a shower in the morning, a voice cuts off that line of thought. “Hyung, let me in. Please?”

Hyungwon hesitates, but reluctantly he stands to unlock the door. Changkyun stands in the hallway, and the visual’s mouth twists unsurely as he meets the other’s strangely pleasant expression. The taller male steps back, allowing space for the rapper in the small room. Hyungwon thinks he should try to do something to wipe the upset look off his face, but it’s just Changkyun; the vocalist can trust him. He still hasn’t ratted out the older male’s secrets, after all. They hadn’t talked much one-on-one since Hyungwon’s breakdown two weeks ago, but as Changkyun looks up at him with concern, the vocalist realizes there’s no one else he’d rather be with right now.

He lurches forward, throwing his arms around the rapper’s neck. “Changkyun-ah,” he whimpers quietly. Changkyun’s arms wrap around the other’s waist.

“Hey, Hyung,” the younger says unsurely. He nudges Hyungwon back away from the door. “What’s wrong?”

The visual sniffles, holding back another pitiful cry. “He hates me, Changkyun-ah—Hoseok _hates_ me,” he trembles, feeling pathetic. Why is he so goddamn pitiful? He buries his face in Changkyun’s shoulder. “I didn’t want to hurt them, but it’s so h-hard to be without them. What am I supposed to do?”

Changkyun pulls Hyungwon back, strokes a thumb across his cheek. “It’s okay, Hyung.” He says, although his tone is hesitant. “Hoseok-hyung doesn’t hate you. He’s just insecure, you know?”

“But he should know I don’t want to take Minhyuk from him,” the younger protests. “I know I should say no when Hyung gives me special attention, but I miss them both s-so much.” This time he’s unable to choke back the sob. “He can’t _do this_ to me! I-I _need_ them! It hurts when I’m without them… b-but it also hurts when I’m with them, and I don’t know what to do anymore.” Is there anything he can do? Maybe he should just disappear.

In response, the younger pulls Hyungwon closer, hand on the back of his head as he tucks him back into the crook of his neck. Changkyun angles his own head to rest against Hyungwon’s. “You can let me take care of you, Hyung.” He whispers. “I can make you feel good again.” And _oh_ , this is _not_ good.

“W-what do you mean?” Hyungwon asks very, very carefully. He tries to pull back to see the younger’s face, but he’s held still. He can feel Changkyun takes several deep breaths, pressed to the older male’s chest. They’re suddenly too close, too intimate, and Hyungwon wants to pull back.

“I’ll hold your hand, Hyung; I’ll make you happy. You can use me to get the attention you need.” His hands move to hold Hyungwon’s hands, squeeze them tightly. “You don’t need them. I won’t hurt you.”

A slow shudder works through the taller male’s spine. “Ch-Changkyun-ah…” This is weird, right? This isn’t normal. How did they get to this point? What are they doing here, on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night after Hyungwon completely overreacted to Hoseok and Minhyuk kissing? And what even is the maknae asking? Is Changkyun asking Hyungwon to _date_ him? Is that what he’s asking? _Why_? “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to do anything for me.” The rapper says quickly. “I just, uh, just want to help you. I don’t want you to—to get hurt, I guess.”

Hyungwon leans back, sees Changkyun’s heavily blushing face. He squirms nervously when the older male pulls away. The visual tries to think of what to say, but he doesn’t even know what’s going on. _What is happening_? He looks Changkyun straight in the eye. “What’s going on?”

Changkyun takes a deep breath, lets go of Hyungwon’s hands. “You said you trust me,” he says plainly. Hyungwon nods tentatively. “Then just… keep trusting me.” He reaches up, his warm hands gently cupping Hyungwon’s face. The visual is frozen as the rapper leans closer. He sighs quietly, whispering, “Can I kiss you?”

The dark-haired vocalist swallows thickly. _What the_ fuck _is happening_? “No, Changkyun-ah, I j-just—,” This is weird, and Hyungwon is tired, and why is this _happening_ to him? He sniffles, and there’s tears in his eyes, and he should just go to bed and pretend today never happened. He drops his head, buries his face in Changkyun’s shirt as a low, dry sob escapes his chest. It’s all too much right now. He’s overwhelmed and tired, and why is Changkyun doing this to him? Is he making fun of Hyungwon? How could he be so mean? How could _Hoseok_ be so mean as to put them in this situation?

Shaky fingers brush through Hyungwon’s dark, tousled hair. “It’s okay, Hyung. I know it’s hard, but you aren’t alone. From now on, I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’ll do it.” He’s trying to remain steady, Hyungwon can tell, but he’s nervous—sincere. Changkyun has a good poker face, but it’s not this convincing. Slowly, the maknae lowers his head beside the taller male’s, whispering, “You can pretend I’m Minhyuk-hyung, if you want to.”

Hyungwon tilts his head enough to look up at the rapper’s face—at his lips, twisting nervously. He thinks about the other’s request, wonders if that was Changkyun being selfish. “Do you want to kiss me?”

The rapper makes a surprised noise, moving to pull away. But Hyungwon grabs his collar to hold him in place. Changkyun purses his lips, an embarrassed blush settling over his cheeks. “Y-yeah,” he mumbles.

He entertains the idea, makes a bad decision. “Have you ever kissed someone, Changkyun-ah?” He questions, his own voice strangely airy and passive. He feels weird again, like he’s projecting out of his own body. The other hesitates, nods. Hyungwon smiles weakly. “That’s good.” What a waste it would be to throw away someone’s first kiss on something so frivolous. “Have you ever kissed a boy?” Again, he receives an even more reluctant nod. That surprises Hyungwon, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He leans up, hands cupping the back of Changkyun’s neck to angle him closer. “I’ve never kissed a boy. I wonder if it feels the same.” He’s barely gotten the words out when Changkyun slots a hand behind the vocalist’s head and fits their lips together. Changkyun is eager and sweet, his lips soft and pliable even as he leads. The visual’s chest fills with warmth.

Hyungwon decides it’s the best kiss he’s ever had.

* * *

 

Hoseok is kind of having a crisis—a crisis involving dark hair and sweet eyes, and _shit_ , he’s _not_ supposed to be feeling like this.

Hoseok loves Minhyuk. It’s an irrefutable fact. His heart belongs to the other visual, and nothing— _no one_ —can change that. And Minhyuk loves him too. But there’s a _problem_ , because Hoseok might not be the only one Minhyuk loves.

It’s no secret that Minhyuk has a big heart and lives with it on his sleeve. He’s the sunshine of their group, and he’s the most supportive of them all. Hoseok is so _lucky_ to be able to call him his boyfriend, but he’d be lying if he said he was confident about _keeping_ that privilege. Because Minhyuk loves _too_ easily, and does he even have the attention span to stay in love with Hoseok? Can Hoseok hold his attention long enough to keep the other visual around?

That’s why he’s been taking the relationship slow. He doesn’t want to run out of things for Minhyuk to look forward to. If he withholds himself, slowly walks the path of their relationship, Minhyuk will stay—at least, that’s what he tells himself.

But during the week after the incident with Hyungwon, their relationship is painfully unbalanced. Hoseok _understands_ , okay, he truly does. Hyungwon is _hurting_ and _confused_ and he needs support to be able to right himself. Hell, once he understood what the issue was, Hoseok made sure to be a pillar of support for the dark-haired model. So for the first week, Hoseok _gets it_ ; he knows Minhyuk needs physical assurance that his members are okay, and so Hoseok is fine with his clinginess towards the youngest visual. But then it just becomes… _excessive_ , and Hyungwon is _always_ there, and Minhyuk is always with _him_.

It’s immature to think like this, but it’s just not _fair_. Minhyuk is dating _Hoseok_ , can’t he _act like it_? Hyungwon doesn’t need to be around them all the time. He’s doing better already, gained back the healthy glow to his skin and his eyes are brighter than they have been in months, so Minhyuk can afford to leave him alone for a couple hours.

It feels like Minhyuk’s choosing the younger visual over his own boyfriend. And that _hurts_. So of course he does something to try and get his relationship with Minhyuk back; of course he tells Hyungwon to back off (as nicely as possible). It helps for a little bit, but the silver-haired visual responds by pulling Hyungwon back in. And now Hyungwon only looks at him with that miserably guilty look, and it makes Hoseok feel awful. Why does the other make the blond so _goddamn_ miserable?

So Hoseok decides the only way to help them all is to remind them what the situation is supposed to be.

Hoseok takes advantage of every situation Hyungwon isn’t around. So when Hyungwon and Kihyun stay late at the studio and when everyone else goes back to their rooms, Hoseok is quick to join Minhyuk in the kitchen. “Don’t you know it’s not good to eat after ten o’clock?” He teases when he finds his boyfriend making a bowl of cereal.

Minhyuk smiles over his shoulder at the other. “You’ll still love me if I gain some weight.”

“Of course,” Hoseok agrees, walking over to hug him from behind. “I’ll always love every part of you.”

“You’re so sappy,” Minhyuk laughs. He grabs his bowl, moves to the table behind them.

“It’s why you love me, right?” The older quips as he follows the other vocalist.

Minhyuk rolls his eyes playfully. “Although it’s something I like about you, it’s not the reason I love you.” He presses a chaste kiss to Hoseok’s cheek, and the blond has to restrain himself from turning his head to capture the other male’s lips with his own.

Instead he just smiles cheekily, wraps his arms around the other again. “We should go on a coffee date tomorrow.” He suggests.

“I told Hyungwon-ah we’d go to a bookstore with him tomorrow.” Minhyuk shrugs. “We can get coffee while we’re out, though.”

The mention of the other visual sours Hoseok’s good mood. “Minhyuk-ah, I wanna go on a _date_.” He whines.

“It’s hard to, Hoseok,” he defends. “We can’t just do whatever we want.”

The older sighs. He doesn’t get it. “Whatever. If you don’t want to go on a date, you should just tell me.” He gets up from his seat, back into the kitchen to make some tea.

“Hoseok, don’t be like that!” Minhyuk whines, following him. Hoseok keeps his back to the younger male as he walks away, but he doesn’t get very far before Minhyuk spins him around and pins him against the kitchen counter. The blond blinks in surprise as Minhyuk’s hands squeeze his shoulders. “Hoseok. You know if our situation was different, I’d go on dates with you every day. But I’m just… I’m worried.”

He looks at Hoseok pleadingly, and the blond sighs. “Yeah, sorry. It just… doesn’t feel like you’re taking this as seriously as I am.”

Hurt and guilt flashes across Minhyuk’s face for a moment. “I-I’m sorry. I just don’t want to mess everything up again.”

Hoseok reaches up to stroke his thumb across the other’s cheek. “Hey, you’re not gonna mess anything up, okay? We’re in this together, and I won’t let you fall. Alright?” Minhyuk looks at him, smiles gently as his eyes fill with warmth and love. He looks so beautiful like that—happy and in love. Hoseok wants him to always look at him like that. “I really want to kiss you right now.” He admits without thinking.

“So why don’t you?” Minhyuk replies cheekily, and so Hoseok does. He leans forward and gently connects their lips for the first time. And it’s _dizzying_. Hoseok has kissed countless girls in the past, even kissed a fellow male trainee once back when he’d had nothing else to relieve the stress, but never has he felt so _content_ with such an innocent kiss. Kissing Minhyuk is like seeing the sun after a long storm. Their lips press together, and Hoseok wants to bask in the warmth spreading through his chest to the tips of his fingers. It’s only when Minhyuk pulls away briefly that the blond’s heart skips a beat. It takes him that long to even realize what he did, what this means. Minhyuk smiles brightly at him, and he can’t help but dive back in, wanting to do nothing else but kiss that smile until he can’t even feel his own lips anymore.

Their kisses they exchange are tame, testing. They don’t want to push boundaries, but try to learn how the other moves, tastes, feels. It’s good, it’s intimate, and Hoseok’s heart might explode in his chest from the intensity of the affection and love he’s feeling. Minhyuk’s hands move from Hoseok’s shoulders to his hair, and similarly Hoseok moves to properly embrace the other. It’s all so _sweet_ ; Hoseok wants to live this moment forever. But then their noses bump and Hoseok opens his eyes, and that’s when he sees _him_.

Hyungwon’s standing there, wide-eyed and red-faced as he stares at the other visuals. Something flares in Hoseok, an ugly feeling, and his arms wind tighter around Minhyuk. He deepens the kiss, eliciting a surprised noise from the silver-haired visual. He stares Hyungwon down, challenging. Minhyuk belongs to Hoseok, and Hyungwon can’t do anything about it. The youngest visual’s expression falls, and he rushes back down the hallway. Hoseok relaxes, although Minhyuk jumps when he hears a door slam.

“W-what was that?” he asks, pulling back. Hoseok is too distracted by the appearance of his reddened lips to answer. “Yah, Hoseok, what was that?”

“Probably Kihyun or Hyungwon,” Hoseok mumbles, playing dumb. He wants to keep kissing, but Minhyuk already looks concerned, so it’s unlikely to happen until he gets an explanation. None of them are prone to slamming doors unless they’re really upset, especially not this late. “Just let it go, Minhyuk.”

“We should make sure nothing’s wrong.” Minhyuk argues.

Hoseok glares, feeling anger spark in his stomach. “You realize you don’t _owe_ him anything, don’t you?” he spits. “Stop _prioritizing_ him!”

“What are you talking about?”

“You keep picking Hyungwon over me!” He accuses. “What, do you like _him_ now that you know he’s gay? Was I just a _backup plan_ for you? Is that what this is?”

“Hoseok, stop!” Minhyuk pleads, “Why in the world would you think that? Didn’t I just tell you I love you?” He swallows thickly, and there are tears building in his eyes, and what the hell happened?

But Hoseok’s still upset, still insecure, and he just has to ask, “Are you in love with Hyungwon?”

Minhyuk looks at him with wide, pleading eyes, and the silence speaks a thousand words. Hoseok pushes him away, feeling angry tears burn his own eyes. “H-Hoseok, wait—,” But the older male doesn’t stay to listen. He storms down the hallway, brushing past Kihyun as he closes himself up in his room.

Hyunwoo is still up when Hoseok returns. He frowns when he sees the younger male. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks. Hoseok waves him off, curling up on his bed. He pulls his headphones over his ears and does everything he can to block out everything around him. He never expected this to turn into such a big mess. Maybe he should have listened to those thoughts telling him he wasn’t enough for Lee Minhyuk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why am i so bad at writing wonho/minhyuk, the world may never know. (maybe i'm just bad at writing them in general? you decide)  
> this chapter is probably really messy and i'll probably regret it, but oh well.  
> feedback? i've got like four endings in mind, but idk which to choose, lol.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this late in hopes no one sees this because tbh i'm just getting this chapter out of the way, aha.  
> also i got some mixed reception on the last chapter? but i think the general consensus ended up being, "protect changkyun at all costs" amirite?? lol.

Lee Minhyuk has loved Shin Hoseok for much longer than they’ve been dating. It started back when they were still trainees, when Minhyuk was the new, fresh-faced hopeful joining Starship Entertainment with dreams of being a singer. He’d been regarded coldly at first, unwelcome according to the other trainees whom had already been at the company for years and had lost the starry-eyed view of the future. Minhyuk hadn’t let it bother him too much (he wasn’t alone, after all), and it hadn’t been long before his outgoing personality had drawn in the other trainees.

Hoseok had been one of the first friends Minhyuk had made at Starship. The older male had already been at the company for years, and he was more used to seeing new faces and understood they weren’t there to replace him. He had always been sweet and caring, emotionally sensitive. It took a bit of time, but Minhyuk approached him with a smile, and Hoseok smiled back. From there, they became friends. Hoseok’s smile was bright and happy, although it lacked confidence back then. His disposition was sweet and kind, if a bit overemotional sometimes. He had a way about him that made Minhyuk want to shield him from the negativity directed his way. Even back then, Minhyuk had thought Hoseok was a beautiful soul; he wanted to see the older male flourish.

When NUBOYZ was teasing their debut, Minhyuk had been disappointed he hadn’t been able to debut with Hoseok, sad they wouldn’t have as much time to spend together anymore. But then they were casted onto No.Mercy, and Minhyuk was ecstatic at the prospect of debuting with his closest friends. It wasn’t until Minhyuk was faced with the possibility of not debuting with the group when he realized how deep his feelings ran; it was then he realized he truly loved the other.

Hoseok hadn’t been Minhyuk’s first love, however. No, the vocalist has given away his heart many times—it’s just that Hoseok is the first to accept it so seriously. But Minhyuk has only completely fallen for someone twice—Hoseok being the latter of the two. Before Monsta X, before No.Mercy, before Starship, Minhyuk had loved Chae Hyungwon. Throughout Minhyuk’s adult life (and even before), Hyungwon had been a constant factor. He stayed with Minhyuk when others had left, brought a smile to the older male’s face countless times, held him tight when the visual’s darker thoughts threatened to ruin him, and allowed Minhyuk to do the same for him. This type of relationship, this give-and-take, is so important to Minhyuk. He needs someone like Hyungwon, someone stable and grounding but not without his own moments of vulnerability, in order to feel secure.

Minhyuk would have asked him out if he’d been confident in getting a ‘yes’ in return. There were a few times Minhyuk attempted to bring up his feelings. He’d start by asking the younger innocent questions about his type or his ideal date, and the other would completely shut down the conversation. “I’m not interested in dating.” He would say, and Minhyuk took that as his rejection. If Hyungwon didn’t even want to talk about it, he likely doesn’t want to hear Minhyuk out. He must be able to tell what Minhyuk really wants to ask, and is cutting him off before the other humiliated himself. The older male doesn’t feel like risking their precious friendship, so he doesn’t say anything more, resolves to let his feelings go.

Except, he doesn’t quite ‘let go’ of his feelings for Hyungwon; he just allows Hoseok to distract him.

Minhyuk loves Hoseok—loves him so much. He doesn’t love him the same way he loves Hyungwon (he doesn’t love anyone in the same way as he loves another), but he loves them both with the same intensity. Hoseok, however, had a chance of returning Minhyuk’s feelings. He felt much more secure confessing to Hoseok. Something about the older male put him at ease, made everything much less urgent. Minhyuk only felt a need to confess his feelings after he and Hoseok had a long, late-night conversation about relationships and sexuality. When Hoseok honestly admitted to being bisexual, the words spilled out of Minhyuk’s mouth before he could stop them—and it’s all been perfect from there.

At least… that’s what he wishes he could say. It’s not quite perfect, because Minhyuk can’t stop thinking about Hyungwon.

Hyungwon stops talking to Minhyuk, walks around looking more miserable than the other visual has ever seen him. How can he ignore that? How can he ignore his best friend when he’s so obviously struggling? Apparently that’s what he’s expected to do now that he’s in a relationship. But he can’t do that to Hyungwon—not when he still harbors so much affection for the other.

When he finds out the reason for Hyungwon’s avoidance and misery, Minhyuk can’t leave him alone. It breaks his heart. How could they allow the vocalist to carry such negative thoughts for so long? How could they not notice? Minhyuk feels responsible. He tries to make up for it, but that just ends up straining his relationship with Hoseok.

Hoseok should be his first priority, but Minhyuk is caught off guard by how much he _misses_ Hyungwon. He misses the little details like the sensation of his more slender frame fitting in the older’s arms, the sight of his amused grin as he laughs, the sound of his steady heartbeat. Most of all, though, he misses Hyungwon’s _presence_. Hyungwon has a distinctly calming demeanor that eases Minhyuk’s nerves. It’s a good balance to Minhyuk’s own excitable, loud nature. Hoseok is more of the opposite; he uses the silver-haired visual to stabilize himself, but can’t offer the same support most of the time. It’s not like he doesn’t try, but when Minhyuk is upset, Hoseok becomes upset. And that’s fine; Minhyuk accepts Hoseok’s emotional nature. But the younger visual needs an anchor too, and he can’t help but feel hurt when his anchor—Hyungwon—decides to abandon him.

He thinks this admittance would hurt Hoseok’s feelings, and that’s the main reason he doesn’t say anything about his feelings towards Hyungwon. Minhyuk doesn’t want Hoseok to think he’s not good enough or he needs to change. That would break Minhyuk’s heart. So he keeps his mouth shut. It’s not like he planned on telling Hyungwon anyway; why does Hoseok need to know?

If he had known it was going to blow up in his face like this, he might have reconsidered his decision to keep quiet.

* * *

 

The thing that sucks about living with six other people (minus the severely limited space and undesired bathroom situation) is that everyone always gets sucked into everyone else’s drama. They all learn things about each other that would have been best left unknown, and secrets are generally difficult to keep. Kihyun is not new to the accidental-turned-purposeful eavesdropping rodeo, but this is one party he wishes he’d missed.

“Was I just a _backup plan_ to you? Is that what this is?”

“Hoseok, stop! Why in the world would you think that? Didn’t I just tell you I love you?”

“Are you in love with Hyungwon?”

Well, shit.

Kihyun quickly knocks on the bathroom door, using an excuse to get whoever is inside to let him in (he hopes it’s Hyunwoo; he’s good at doing what he’s requested first, asking questions later). Unfortunately, he’s only met with an extremely miserable, “Go away, Kihyun-hyung,” from one of the three people he should probably avoid right now. Hoseok storms past soon after, and Kihyun flattens himself against the wall of the narrow hallway to keep from being trampled. The lead vocalist watches the other disappear into his bedroom before the younger escapes into his own.

Jooheon and Changkyun both look up at the lead vocalist when he enters, both of their expression going from amiable to concerned. “Hyung? What’s wrong?” Jooheon asks.

“I don’t know,” he says plainly, brain trying to work through what he had just heard. Hoseok is very clearly upset, as is Hyungwon and likely Minhyuk as well. Did the younger two visuals do something to upset the eldest? Did Minhyuk _cheat_? “Hoseok and Minhyuk-hyungs were arguing, and it sounded serious.” _Are you in love with Hyungwon_? That’s not something thrown out in just some average lovers’ spat. And the way Hyungwon’s voice had been thick with tears when he’d been just fine literally minutes prior… something happened, and Kihyun doesn’t know if he wants to get in the middle of it. He clears his throat. “Changkyun-ah, can you check on Hyungwon? He locked himself in the bathroom, and I’d really like to take a shower before bed.” That’s a bit of a lie, but Kihyun needs an excuse to get the maknae to see what’s wrong without Kihyun having to seem concerned. And thankfully Changkyun agrees.

Jooheon, though, looks suspicious. “What were Hoseok and Minhyuk arguing about? Why would Hyungwon be upset?” He asks carefully.

The lead vocalist shrugs, deciding it isn’t his place to gossip about his group members. “You know how Hoseok-hyung gets sometimes. He feels insecure and inadequate, so he lashes out. That’s… that’s all this is, I’m sure. It’ll be better tomorrow.” He swallows thickly. “I’m going to see if Minhyuk-hyung is okay.” Jooheon nods, still looking lost. But Kihyun ignores that, carefully makes his way to the kitchen. It’s void of life. The lead vocalist has a fleeting, worrying thought that the older male had left the dorm, but he hears movement from the living room. He finds Minhyuk sitting against the couch, watching the TV. Drama re-runs are on, and although the sound is off, Kihyun can tell the scene playing is in the middle of a love triangle plot. The singer purses his lips, _great, how applicable_ (although can this situation be called a love triangle if one of the points isn’t even interested in the other two? He supposes it doesn’t matter). He slowly approaches the male sitting on the floor. Minhyuk is expressionless, face blank and body lax and still.

Kihyun sits beside him, trying not to stare, but it isn’t often he finds Minhyuk so listless. He’s so reactive even when he’s upset; it isn’t like him to shut down like this. Is he even seeing the images flashing on the bright TV screen in front of him? Kihyun takes a deep breath, “Hyung?”

“The girl is always so clueless,” Minhyuk muses, voice barely audible even in the quiet atmosphere. “She’s so oblivious to the intentions of the people around her, especially her love interests.” He looks thoughtful, if a bit sad. “But what if… what if she was aware of what she was doing? What if it was all an act, because she can’t possibly bear to choose?” He turns, meets Kihyun’s wide-eyed gaze with his own red-rimmed eyes.

Kihyun swallows thickly. He doesn’t think the situation quite applies, but he plays along. “I guess it depends on what she does about it.” He says quietly. “And if she talks it out with the boys she loves.”

Minhyuk lets out a shaky breath, cracking a weak, watery smile. It’s not at all convincing; he looks moments away from breaking down in tears, and shit, Kihyun is not good at this. “I guess you’re right. She never talks about it. In most cases, she doesn’t even have to acknowledge it. I guess… I guess I’m kinda living a backwards drama, aren’t I?” He shudders, tears slipping down his cheeks. He quickly brushes them away. “I love both of them, have for too long, and Hoseok loves me, or at least he said he does, and Hyungwon’s oblivious and doesn’t have feelings for us. Ha, I guess that’s more mixed up than backwards. It’s real life, though, so I’m not even guaranteed a happy ending.” He sniffles, and _fuck_ , Kihyun doesn’t know what he’ll do if the older male cries.

“It’s—it’s okay, Hyung.” He stutters. But is it? Does Minhyuk deserve to be comforted? He shouldn’t have feelings for two people, should he? But if wasn’t pursuing Hyungwon, and didn’t plan to, does it matter whether those feelings exist? Kihyun doesn’t have any idea. “Hoseok-hyung is just surprised. You know how he gets with this stuff. And we’re all stressed over work right now. He just needs reassurance.” Really, it was what they all needed from time-to-time—validation that they’re doing a good job, that they’re valuable to the group. Being so sensitive and insecure, Hoseok just needs reminded more often than the rest of them.

“Do you think he’ll hate me?” Minhyuk whispers, more musing to himself than legitimately asking. “Will he leave me? Everyone ends up leaving me.” He chokes out a pained laugh that sounds more like a sob as he squeezes his eyes shut. “He’s going to leave me, and then I’m going to have to leave the group, and this was such a bad idea,” he’s already sobbing now, arms curling around himself as if to hold himself together as tears spill down his cheeks. “H-he can’t leave me just because I love two people—th-that isn’t f-fair! I’m dating him, and only him! I haven’t cheated, and I’ve never thought about it either! Isn’t that enough? I can’t help how I feel, but I’m not _pursing_ anyone other than Hoseok! But how can he expect me to give up these feelings I’ve had for longer than I’ve even _known_ Hoseok? Why is it so bad that I want to make sure Hyungwon is happy too?”

“H-Hyung,” Kihyun whispers, shocked by everything the older male is telling him. He’s never seen the other this distraught before, and he doesn’t know what to do. “Minhyuk-hyung, please,” But Minhyuk keeps crying and crying, and he doesn’t seem to be listening. So Kihyun reaches forward, pulls the distraught male into his arms, and he does the only thing he can think to do: he sings. He starts softly, crooning the lyrics to the first song that comes to mind (which happens to be their newest OST song). Minhyuk’s arms are tight around Kihyun as he sobs with more heartbreak and insecurity than just one conversation could have inflicted. Kihyun has a feeling Minhyuk has been holding back this flood of emotions for much longer than the two visuals had even been dating. But Kihyun isn’t here to analyze the other’s problems. He tries not to think about it as he comforts his hyung.

Eventually, Minhyuk begins to calm down. He sniffles loudly, reluctantly pulling away from the younger male. “Sorry,” he mumbles, using his own sleeves to wipe the tears from his face. “I’m just stressed out, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Hyung.” Kihyun murmurs. “But did you mean it when you said you’ve had feelings for Hyungwon for so long?”

Minhyuk bites his lip. “I know it’s bad,” he mumbles. “I know, okay, and it’s why I was never going to talk about it. No one was supposed to _know_. I know Hyungwon would never love me like that. So it doesn’t _matter_.” His expression twists with pain as he chokes out another whimper. “None of this matters, does it? I shouldn’t have said anything to Hoseok; we shouldn’t be dating. I j-just can’t handle being in love with both of them, and neither of them loving me.”

Kihyun nods slowly. “What made you choose Hoseok-hyung over Hyungwon?”

“Because Hyungwon always said he didn’t want to date. There was a point when I wanted to tell him, but he always told me that he wasn’t interested in dating at all whenever I tried to bring it up. So I took that as my rejection.” He answers truthfully, sniffling quietly. “But I don’t… I don’t see Hoseok as a ‘backup plan’. I love him just as much, I honestly do. I love him _so much_. I don’t want him to think he’s just a—a _consolation prize_ , or something. I would never do that to him. I wouldn’t date him if I wasn’t serious about it. I’m not _cruel_. A-and anyway, if he was just a backup, would I have waited this long to say anything? Would I have thought about him so much even before deciding to ask him out?”

“Then why can’t you let Hyungwon-ah go?” Kihyun asks gently.

Minhyuk’s expression crumbles, lower lip trembling again. “I don’t know. I tried to, for a while. But he… he’s been with me for so long. I’ve loved him for almost just as long. It’s not so simple to stop loving someone, Kihyun-ah. I didn’t think it would hurt anyone, though, not even Hoseok, so I didn’t think I needed to let go. And I-I gave Hoseok all of my attention, b-but then Hyungwon had that breakdown, and I couldn’t leave him alone. I needed him to be okay, so I did give him whatever he asked for. But it wasn’t romantic. He doesn’t see me that way, and I wouldn’t _do that_ to Hoseok.” He’s adamant about that, that if push came to shove he would stay loyal to Hoseok. But Kihyun isn’t so sure.

“Hyung.” He starts, “I think you need to talk to Hoseok-hyung about this—Hyungwon-ah too. You really… I don’t think you should love two people like this, especially if you’re dating one of them.” He hates seeing the way Minhyuk’s expression twists with pain, but it’s the truth, isn’t it? This is only going to hurt all of them in the long run—and Kihyun thinks Hoseok, the most sensitive of them all, might not be able to recover from that kind of heartbreak. Minhyuk can move on, especially if he learns that Hyungwon one-hundred-percent has no romantic feelings towards him; otherwise, Hoseok might break.

Emotionally, the eldest visual is weak. He’s easy to hurt, especially if it’s by someone he trusts. Minhyuk is someone he trusts nearly implicitly. Hoseok depends on Minhyuk, leans on him for support and reassurance. Minhyuk has always been more than willing to give Hoseok as much affection and attention as he needs. They’ve always fit together, and Kihyun can’t say he ever pictured them as a bad couple. But if Minhyuk is going to hold onto something so useless as his unrequited romantic affliction towards Hyungwon, the situation is only going to become messier.

Kihyun sighs. “So what happened with Hyungwon-ah?”

“What do you mean?” Minhyuk frowns.

“All three of you had a confrontation, right?” The shorter male clarifies. Minhyuk just looks at him in confusion. This reaction sets off a quiet warning bell in Kihyun’s head. “Then why is he crying in the bathroom?”

The visual’s eyes widen and he sits up straight. “He’s crying? What happened?”

“That’s what I’m asking _you_ ,” Kihyun replies.

Minhyuk slowly shakes his head, “I haven’t even seen him since you guys left.” He says, then recognition seems to dawn on him, “M-maybe he and Hoseok ran into each other after our argument? Hoseok was pretty mad about him,” his eyes dart down to his lap guiltily.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Kihyun shakes his head. “Hyungwon was already there when you and Hoseok were still arguing.”

The older male can only shrug in reply. “I don’t know. I guess you’ll have to ask one of them?” Minhyuk closes his eyes briefly, sighing. “I want to go see him now, but I feel like that’s a bad idea,”

Kihyun nods. “It’s late. You go ahead to bed, and I’ll make sure he’s okay. Changkyun-ah was checking on him.” Minhyuk winces, but he wordlessly agrees and reluctantly gets to his feet. Kihyun follows suit, “I’ll see you back in our room, okay? I’ll let you know whatever I find out.” He gives what he intends to be a reassuring smile, and Minhyuk gives a hollow one in return as he leaves the living room. Kihyun takes a deep breath, hopes Jooheon can do something to help the silver-haired visual feel better, and goes to find Hyungwon and Changkyun.

The bathroom light is still on, so Kihyun knocks on the door. “Hyungwon-ah? Changkyun-ah?” The rapper’s voice calls out through the door, telling Kihyun he can come in, and Kihyun slowly opens the door. He’s met with the sight of the two younger members sitting on the floor, both leaning against the wall. Changkyun’s legs are stretched out in front of him as he keeps an arm wrapped around the visual’s shoulders, and Hyungwon has his knees pulled to his chest as he rests his head against the other. Hyungwon’s eyes are still puffy from crying, but otherwise Kihyun doesn’t see any other sign of a breakdown. “Are you alright?”

The other vocalist nods, glancing down to the floor. Changkyun gives a slight sigh. “Yeah, Hyung’s okay now. He was just a bit overwhelmed.”

“Nothing happened with Hoseok and Minhyuk-hyungs?” The lead vocalist presses.

Hyungwon doesn’t physically react; Changkyun only reaches over to brush the taller male’s bangs out of his eyes. “No, he’s just stressed and tired. We should all turn in for the night, yeah?” Hyungwon closes his eyes, nods. Kihyun frowns, but doesn’t say anything else. The story still doesn’t seem right, but the lead vocalist is willing to take their words at face value for now. Changkyun is correct when he suggests it’s time for them all to go to bed. Kihyun really can’t afford a headache right now. The lead vocalist and rapper part from Hyungwon as they reach the visual’s room first, the maknae sweetly murmuring a quick ‘good night’ accompanied by a small smile before following Kihyun into their own room. Minhyuk and Jooheon are already in their own beds, and Kihyun and Changkyun are quick to follow suit. Minhyuk briefly catches Kihyun’s gaze, but the lead vocalist can only offer a shrug before he turns out the lights and climbs in his bunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter was pretty shitty, right? contender for the worst yet? you decide. i'll make a poll or something, you guys can vote on the shittiest chapter yet, lmao.  
> i promise this chapter has a purpose? but you can fight me on that if you want, lol. (also i def didn't write this just to have kihyun sing tiger moth to comfort minhyuk, that's absurd. also go listen to tiger moth, it's beautiful and i constantly have it on repeat. but no really, kihyun's gonna have a purpose. pinky-swear.)  
> give me your thoughts so far? also lemme know: should i dial back the angst, or crank it all the way to 100, cos next chapter has the potential to be a major game-changer and i'm not sure if i should dive into that pool of utter heartbreak.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like shit, why am i doing this, lmao  
> warning: more mentions/descriptions of purging (not as graphic as last time tho). It's only a couple sentences in the third paragraph, so just skip to the next paragraph when hyungwon locks himself in the bathroom if you don't want to read.

Hyungwon isn’t sure he’s ever been so miserable in his life. Hoseok and Minhyuk can barely stand to be in the same room with him, and they’re only around him (and each other, according to Changkyun) when they have to be. Minhyuk can’t even spare him a passing glance, and Hoseok only glares when their eyes meet. It makes Hyungwon feel so _horrible_. He’s made them _hate_ him. It’s his worst nightmare is coming to life right before his eyes.

He doesn’t know how to fix his situation, so he gives the other visuals their space. It drives him crazy, but he stays away. He doesn’t talk them, tries not to look at them. Whenever they have to be in each other’s presence, he squeezes himself in the corner and tries not to attract attention to himself. It’s stressful; he’s constantly doing everything he can to keep his presence low and stay out of the way. It’s bad enough that he can’t eat most of the time, and when he does he finds himself hunched over a toilet more often than not.

He doesn’t quite remember what prompts him to start purging regularly. It happens after dinner at the dorm one night, when it had been just Hoseok, Kihyun, and Hyungwon. The two visuals had reached for the last dumpling, and Hoseok had grumbled at him, “Haven’t you taken enough?” and jabbed his stomach. Shocked, Hyungwon had retreated and dropped his chopsticks. He cleaned up his spot at the table and locked himself in the bathroom. His stomach churned and his chest hurt as he considered what to do. He remembers turning on the shower, loudly playing music on his iPod, and sticking his toothbrush down his throat. It hadn’t lasted long, but he felt better, strangely. More than better—it felt good, he had realized as he slumped back against the wall. He reveled in the feeling of being empty, void. It wasn’t just a purge of his stomach, but a purge of his emotions as well. It’s good enough that it more-or-less becomes a regular occurrence.

He knows he promised he wouldn’t do it again, but purging seems to be the only way to ease the pressure resulting from all of this stress. And it’s not really the same. He hasn’t binged again, so his purging sessions haven’t been nearly as bad. It doesn’t always make him feel better, but times when it’s good enough to make him giddy makes it worth it. It exhausts him though, which greatly effects his dancing and singing. His voice grows rougher with each consecutive purge. It’s painful to talk sometimes, let alone sing. No one really seems to notice, though, as they’ve all decided to look the other way when it comes to him.

It’s not like he’s completely alone, however. Changkyun keeps him company sometimes. They aren’t around each other much more than usual, but they have grown closer. Hyungwon had felt immensely guilty after kissing the rapper, thinking he’d taken advantage of the situation. Changkyun reassured him about it, reminding Hyungwon that the younger had been the one to ask first. They’re relationship hadn’t necessarily changed in terms of their physical interactions—they hadn’t kissed again after the first time, and they hadn’t gone any further—but something had changed. There was a sense of intimacy that wasn’t there before, and he felt closer with the rapper. Something about it scared him. Hyungwon didn’t want to use Changkyun to get the intimacy he longed for, didn’t want the younger to think there was something going on between them that wasn’t really there. As such, the visual only approached Changkyun when he needed the physical reassurance.

He doesn’t tell Changkyun about the purging episodes. He’s worried about how the other will react. If Changkyun knew he was purging so often now, he might tell the others, and Hyungwon can’t deal with that.

Things go on like this for a few days. The dorm is tense in the wake of the three visuals’ avoidance of one another. Hyungwon does his best to my space for Hoseok, not wanting to be caught by his glare. Tonight he’s waiting in the darkened living room, watching for the light in his bedroom to turn off so he can sneak into his bunk. He would simply sleep on the couch, but it’s too uncomfortable to do every night and it would raise too much suspicion. So instead he forces himself to stay awake and wait for Hyunwoo and Hoseok to turn in.

He thought the others were in their room as well, so he’s surprised when he hears the dorm’s front door open.

He goes to investigate, finds Minhyuk slowly putting up his shoes. The older looks up, meets the dark-haired vocalist’s gaze. He smiles tiredly. “Hey, Hyungwonnie.”

“Hi Hyung,” the younger mumbles. Minhyuk’s expressive eyes are dull as he sets down his bag and walks over to the other. Hyungwon looks at him curiously. The circles under his eyes are pale, but easily noticeable. The line of his shoulders is slumped, tired. He looks as though he hasn’t been sleeping well. “I thought you were in bed.”

Minhyuk shrugs. “I went for a walk, needed some air.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda hard to be around everyone lately.” Hyungwon scoffs quietly. Minhyuk’s expression softens. Hyungwon glances away. “Sorry for, uh, everything.”

The shorter male frowns. “I don’t know what you mean, Hyungwon-ah? There’s nothing to apologize for.” He looks Hyungwon up and down. “Are you okay? You look… tired.”

Hyungwon wraps his arms around himself defensively. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m about to go to bed anyway.” He doesn’t like the way Minhyuk is looking at him. It’s like he can see through him, can tell he’s hiding something. He glances away.

Minhyuk tilts his head. “What’s keeping you up? Usually you’re the first asleep.”

“I just…” He purses his lips. “I didn’t want to get in Hyung’s way.” He admits softly. It sounds dumb to say aloud. “I, uh, I know it’s kinda stupid, but he’s mad at me right now, so I don’t really wanna make him more upset.” He looks anywhere but at the vocalist in front of him, letting out a self-deprecating laugh.

The other’s frown deepens, guilty now. “I’m sorry Hyungwonnie. I’m really, really sorry.” He whispers, reaching forward as if to hug the taller, but he stops himself. “There isn’t anything else I can do tonight, but I’ll fix this. It’s all my fault, but I’ll fix it.” He looks up at the other a bit helplessly. “I miss you.”

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything. He kind of feels like he’s about to be shattered, and prepares himself to pick up the pieces again. He sighs. “We’ve got a busy day tomorrow, Hyung. I’m going to bed now.” He turns away, almost misses the soft ‘goodnight’ the older throws after him. Although he is exhausted, Hyungwon can’t seem to find sleep as he lies in his bunk, the guilt of the world sitting on his chest.

* * *

 

Hoseok is so sick of feeling like he’s not good enough. He’s sick of doing his best only to fall flat on his face. He works so hard, puts so much effort into everything he does, and he never feels like he’s _good enough_. But he thought—he _hoped_ —he was good enough for Minhyuk. The other would reassure him that Hoseok was a valuable addition to the group, that he brought so much to the table that the rest of them couldn’t. He said it until Hoseok believed him, and then he said it some more. Minhyuk so vehemently believes in Hoseok, and that’s why the older male needs him so much.

But of course, even to the person who believes he’s enough, Hoseok _isn’t_ enough. He can’t figure out what he’s doing wrong, what he isn’t providing, but there’s something Minhyuk needs that Hoseok can’t figure out. It’s _frustrating_ , and it’s even worse when he finds out there _is_ someone who can give Minhyuk what he needs, and the silver-haired visual has _feelings_ for that person.

They don’t talk after the _incident_ in the kitchen. It’s not like Minhyuk doesn’t try, though; he tries approaching Hoseok many times, but Hoseok avoids him. It’s hard to be around Minhyuk without feeling upset and inadequate. He hates feeling that way more than anything else, so to save his own sanity, he ignores the other for the time being. But it doesn’t truly help, considering Minhyuk himself was the only one able to completely chase those feelings away. And despite the small part of him that wants to hurt Minhyuk the same way the other had hurt him, seeing the pained and regretful looks the younger would throw him whenever their eyes happened to meet caused Hoseok’s heart to ache.

He feels he has a right to be mad, though. Hoseok expected Minhyuk to put him over the rest of the group, just as Hoseok had done for him. The younger shouldn’t have romantic feelings for anyone else—especially not _Hyungwon_. Somehow the fact that Hyungwon is the one Minhyuk likes makes it even worse. Hyungwon is handsome and confident, and he has a longer history with Minhyuk than Hoseok does. Don’t they make more sense together?

No, that’s not what he should be focusing on.

It’s not like Hoseok was the one to confess to Minhyuk. No, the younger male had confessed to _him_. Why would Minhyuk play him like this? Why would he do this to Hoseok when he _knows_ how Hoseok feels about dating and relationships? Minhyuk can be mischievous sometimes, but he isn’t an asshole. This isn’t like him—at least, Hoseok didn’t think he was like this.

It’s hard to pin his frustration on Minhyuk, however. His usually sunshiny attitude falters in the wake of their argument, and he only puts up his happy demeanor in order to keep up appearances with the other members. He’s quite obviously hurting, though. But Hoseok doesn’t want to forgive him, not yet, so he redirects his attention elsewhere. He knows he shouldn’t, knows it’s not the other’s fault and that he hasn’t done anything to deserve it, but Hoseok ends up directing his anger towards Hyungwon.

On his part, Hyungwon is back to avoiding the other visuals as best as he can. He seems to have received Hoseok’s message loud and clear—which Hoseok supposes he should be grateful for, but confusingly, he finds he hates it. For only god knows what reason, Hoseok can’t help but feel like Hyungwon is running away from him, and for once Hoseok is _itching_ for confrontation. At least, that’s what he chooses to identify the feeling as. It’s irritating.

The others _definitely_ notice. Kihyun watches them with a constant, knowing frown, like he’s aware of what’s going on. Hyunwoo sees them all carefully avoid each other and seems like he wants to step in but doesn’t know how. Both of them have been edging around Hoseok and Minhyuk. Their leader attempts to talk to Hoseok as he sees the tension between the blond and Hyungwon. Hyunwoo is of course taking Hyungwon’s side, and Hoseok doesn’t _want_ to be the bad guy, but it’s easier to let Hyunwoo think he is. Kihyun must think he’s the bad guy as well, based on how he comforts Minhyuk over Hoseok. It’s kind of unfair, considering they never asked for his side of the story. Jooheon tries to keep the mood upbeat, compensating for Minhyuk’s drop in enthusiasm. Hoseok hasn’t shared a friendly exchange with Changkyun since the older male’s argument with Minhyuk. It makes group practices (such as the one they’re in right now) really awkward.

It was only meant to be a quick practice before they left the next day to shoot for the music video, but they couldn’t seem to stay in sync with each other. The lead dancers carry on flawlessly, but the others struggle. Changkyun isn’t paying attention as he mechanically goes through the motions; Kihyun is lost in thought as well; Minhyuk can’t seem to keep his gaze off the floor; and Hyungwon is giving the most half-assed effort Hoseok has ever seen as he stumbles along. Hoseok’s just about had it when Hyungwon bumps into him as they trade places.

He snaps, “Can you quit fucking everything up?” Hyungwon blinks at him in surprise, and Hoseok returns the look with a heated glare.

The younger’s gaze falls to the floor, “I-I’m sorry, Hyung,” he mumbles, flustered. “I’ll do better—,”

“No, you know what?” Hoseok interrupts. There’s nothing but frustration in his words as he looks at Hyungwon with disdain. “You should do everyone here a favor and leave. You’re only a _distraction_.”

“That’s not true,” Changkyun argues, immediately coming to defend the youngest visual. “It’s not like you’re perfect either, Hyung. You keep tripping up Hyunwoo-hyung.” The blond can’t help but scowl in response.

“Changkyun, please don’t,” Hyungwon mumbles, grimacing as he reaches for the maknae’s shoulder. The rapper looks at him, and his gaze softens when he meets the visual’s eyes.

A weird sensation settles in the pit of Hoseok’s stomach, and he scowls. “At least I’m not causing issues for everyone here,” he says, but he pauses when a large hand grabs his own shoulder. Hoseok turns, and is met with Hyunwoo’s pensive frown.

“You need to cool down, Hoseok.” He warns. “I thought you and Hyungwon resolved your issues, but you’re both putting a strain on the group, and it needs to stop.” Hyungwon’s gaze firmly sets itself to the floor, but Hoseok can only scowl at the other visual. The younger shifts uncomfortably at the attention. Hyunwoo sighs. “Listen. Communication is very important in this kind of group, and obviously communication has stopped here. We need to get past this, and soon—especially if it’s going to distract you two from doing your jobs.” Hoseok winces at that. “The rest of us are going to take a break and get something to eat. You two stay here and talk.”

Hyungwon visibly tenses, pulling his lower lip between his teeth. “I’m sorry, Hyung.” He mumbles. Hoseok grimaces. Kihyun glances at the two visuals, frowning, but he doesn’t say anything. Minhyuk as well seems to want to protest, but he ends up awkwardly shifting away. Jooheon glances at all of the other members unsurely, but shifts back to stand behind Hyunwoo. Changkyun, on the other hand, doesn’t budge from Hyungwon’s side.

Hyunwoo looks from Hoseok to Hyungwon to Minhyuk. “Does that sound fair?” If this is Hyunwoo’s idea of giving Hoseok his redemption, this is a very bad way to do it. Reluctantly, Hyungwon nods mutely. Hoseok frowns, but nods anyway. If the other won’t protest, neither will Hoseok. Changkyun opens his mouth to say something, but he’s silenced as Hyungwon quickly reaches over and squeezes his hand. It isn’t something that goes unnoticed by the majority of the group. Hoseok’s scowl deepens.

There was a shift in Hyungwon’s and Changkyun’s relationship recently. No one knew what had happened, but they seemed closer suddenly. It wasn’t as if they acted any different or shared more physical contact, but there was just… something different about the interactions they shared. Changkyun’s gaze is softer when he looks at the taller male, and Hyungwon looks to the rapper for company. Hoseok doesn’t know what’s going on between the two of them, but it puts a nauseating feeling in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t know what prompts these feelings, but he knows he doesn’t like it.

The two visuals don’t look at each other as the others file out of the practice room. Hoseok watches the door close behind the members as Hyungwon keeps his eyes on the floor. It’s silent for several moments as Hyungwon shuffles his feet awkwardly in place. Hoseok doesn’t want the other male to speak, doesn’t know if he can keep himself from getting upset.

But of course, it doesn’t seem like he and the younger idol are on the same page lately. “H-Hoseok-hyung,” he starts shakily, licking his lips nervously. “I never wanted to do anything to hurt you, or make you upset with me. I-I’m sorry, Hyung, really.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Hoseok interrupts quickly. If Hyungwon tries to bring this up, Hoseok isn’t sure he can keep his emotions in check.

The younger male shakes his head, lifting his gaze to look at the other visual. “No, I really need you to understand,” he says carefully. “I don’t want to take Minhyuk from you. That was never something I was trying to do. You two are obviously a lot happier together, and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt that.” His eyes are pleading as he looks up at the older male. Hoseok feels guilt and hurt twisting his stomach.

He scoffs, quickly turns away from the other. “Whatever, Hyungwon.” He mutters. “You obviously have feelings for him. You were enjoying his attention.”

Hyungwon looks at him quietly for a moment, and he looks so helpless as he stands there. The twisting feeling in his stomach gets worse, but Hoseok refuses to back down. Hyungwon sighs, gaze falling again. “I’m just really confused, Hyung, and I feel lonely. I… I just want someone to love me the way you and Minhyuk love each other. So I’m really sorry I took advantage of the attention he gave me. I j-just expected to lose you both—you all.” He swallows thickly, and Hoseok turns towards the model, frowning.

“You’re lying.”

If the way Hyungwon flinches wasn’t enough to tell Hoseok he’s right, the way he backs away certainly is. “It’s really not what you think,” he whispers, although the effort is a bit in vain at this point.

Hoseok feels that same wave of jealousy rising back up inside him. And it’s just—it’s just so suffocating. He’s got so much pressure building in his chest, and with no outlet for so long, it just sits there. The stress of the situation is burying him alive—he can’t keep going on like this, especially if he’s this fucked up after only a few days. He needs reprieve, just a break from all of this hurt. Being so reactive, this frustration boiling within Hoseok reasonably can’t be contained for long. The bubble of pain has to pop at some point.

So when Hyungwon is lying so blatantly to his face, Hoseok snaps.

“Then what _is_ going on, Hyungwon?” He demands. “What are you trying to do? Because if you don’t have romantic feelings for Minhyuk, your intentions don’t seem quite so innocent.”

Hyungwon draws back, “W-what do you mean?”

Hoseok shrugs, “You said you’re lonely, that you want a relationship like mine and Minhyuk’s. Maybe you’re so jealous, you’re willing to manipulate Minhyuk in order to _ruin_ that.”

The younger’s eyes go wide, scandalized. “Y-you can’t honestly think I’m that selfish, Hyung,” he grimaces, “How many times do I have to tell you that I wasn’t trying to hurt you? I-I never manipulated anyone.”

“Yeah? Not even Changkyun?” Hoseok challenges, and Hyungwon flinches almost violently.

“I-I haven’t done anything to Changkyun-ah,” he argues meekly.

Hoseok snarls _viciously_. “You really think you’re hot shit, don’t you? Look at you, manipulating Minhyuk, using Changkyun, and now lying straight to my face?” He scoffs harshly, even as Hyungwon’s expression crumbles. “You think you can do whatever the hell you want just because you’re good-looking and smart. News flash, Hyungwon-ah, I don’t see you as anything more than a regrettable dongsaeng. You can’t dance for shit, you’re singing is shaky and flat at best, and you’re completely unlikeable. You’re so forgettable, and all you have to offer is that pretty face of yours. How _pitiful_. You only got picked for this group because of that modelling deal you got. You don’t even have any real talent. You don’t deserve anything—not when it’s the rest of this group that’s earned it all for you. Are you really so selfish that you have to take so much from me? You have to take _my_ boyfriend just because you’re _lonely_ and _bored_. And now you’re stringing Changkyun along as well? How can you be so cruel as to fuck with our maknae like that? One day Minhyuk and Changkyun and the whole rest of the group will realize how pathetic you are, and then you’ll be all alone, won’t you?”

He doesn’t feel good after spitting out such harsh words to the other. It doesn’t make him feel better to say these things he doesn’t even believe. But he’s not in control of the outburst, only saying things he knows will hit the other hard and peel back the unaffected front he puts on to hide the raw vulnerability underneath. It’s cruel and horrible and he should take it all back immediately, but he can’t. It’s all out there now, and even if he says sorry, it doesn’t remove the negative energy around them. It won’t wipe that heartbroken expression off of Hyungwon’s face.

A heavy, ugly sound falls from Hyungwon’s lips, and he looks at Hoseok with betrayal in his eyes. “I _never_ wanted to hurt you!” He repeats vehemently, and now _he’s_ angry. “I _don’t_ love Minhyuk, and I _don’t_ love _you_. But you _are_ my best friends, and is it so unbelievable to say I _missed_ you?” He glares at the older male, throws his hands up in surrender. “But _fine_ , Hyung, if you want me to stop being around so much, I’ll just start _hating_ you from now on. I’ll hate you with every fiber of my being, curse you with all of my breath, stay far away from you during my every waking moment. _Anything_ so _you’ll_ never have to see my face again.”

Hoseok worries for a second that he’d actually angered Hyungwon that badly, but he can hear the tremble to the other visual’s voice. Hyungwon is hurt, and he’s covering it to keep Hoseok out. This realization should make him regretful or guilty, but instead it just makes him angry—angry that Hyungwon still can’t be honest with him. Hoseok’s hands ball into tight fists, and without thinking, he shoves Hyungwon. The dark-haired visual stumbles and falls, hits the floor hard. By the time he gets his breath back, Hoseok has straddled his waist with his legs pinning the younger’s arms to his sides. “Can’t you stop fucking _lying_ to me?” He demands. He pulls his fist back. Hyungwon flinches, squeezes his eyes shut and braces for the impact of the punch he expects to follow.

But Hoseok doesn’t hit him. He punches the floor by the other’s head, grabs a fistful of the other’s hair with his opposite hand, and leans down to roughly connect their lips in a hard, bruising kiss. It’s not loving, it’s not nice, but it feels so _damn_ good as Hoseok allows the tension in his body to seep away through the physical contact. “You wanna talk about _hate_ , Hyungwon-ah?” he murmurs against the other’s lips. Hyungwon doesn’t respond, his body tense as Hoseok kisses him again. “I hate how you’re able to take Minhyuk away from me so easily. I hate how you make me feel, how one day I can’t get enough of you and the next you make me seem so inadequate. How can you play with my emotions so easily, without even trying? What am I supposed to do?” He sighs, connects their lips again. He suddenly can’t get close enough to the other as he pulls him flush against his own chest, tongue swiping across the younger’s closed lips to request entrance. That’s when Hyungwon seems to come back to his senses, wrestling his arms away from Hoseok and shoving at his chest. Hoseok backs off, and the guilt and regret from before returns tenfold. What the _fuck_ did he just do? “H-Hyungwon, shit, I—,”

“ _Get off me_ ,” Hyungwon hisses, struggling against Hoseok still sitting on top of him. Mechanically, the older rolls off the taller male, watches as Hyungwon shakily pushes himself upright and away from the other. He doesn’t look at the blond as he crawls over to where his stuff is lying on the floor in a heap. The scene is scarily familiar as Hyungwon packs up his stuff and starts to leave. Hoseok feels a desperate pull in his stomach as he scrambles to his feet.

“Hyungwon, wait,” Hoseok calls out, following him out into the hallway. He reaches for the other’s arm, “Hyungwon _please_ —,”

“ _Don’t_ touch me!” Hyungwon yells. He turns hurt, betrayed eyes to the blond, and Hoseok’s heart stops momentarily when he sees the unshed tears there. The older’s hand falls, and the dark-haired visual backs away. Voice calmer, he adds, “Don’t follow me. Please. I really… really can’t be around you right now.”

Hoseok feels shameful. What the fuck did he just do? How could he have let things escalate like this? How could he do this to not only Hyungwon, but Minhyuk as well? He needs to stop Hyungwon. “Please, Hyungwon-ah, don’t leave. I’m so sorry; I don’t know what happened.”

Hyungwon looks at him is disbelief. “You can’t expect me to stay after what you just did,” he says. Hoseok can only look at him pleadingly, because he knows he can’t argue. How can he defend his actions? Worst of all—how is he going to explain this to Minhyuk? He doesn’t know, just as he doesn’t know how to make Hyungwon stay as the other walks out of his line of sight. The only thing Hoseok is sure of is that he really fucked up.

Hyunwoo is _absolutely_ going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haaaaaa, i dunno man, someone should take the keyboard away from me tbh. i didn't want to keep writing hyungwon so sad, but i'm sad, so we're all sad. or maybe y'all are sick of my shit, idk man.  
> there was supposed to be another scene.......... but i decided it would be too long.  
> i hope wonho comes off the way i want him to, and by that i mean i hope he's just utterly confusing (but don't worry, i know what i'm doing, i swear).  
> tbh, all i really wanna do now is write something cute, but i am Inadequate™  
> have i gone too far?? :/  
> sorry


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you hear me _yelling_ , this is such a bad idea.  
> i don't think this chapter needs any warnings (except maybe for the excessive crying, istg), but let me know if there's anything warning-worthy?

Changkyun worries about Hyungwon the entire time he’s out with the other members. He doesn’t pay much attention to the others’ conversations (not that they talk much throughout the trip), and he’s hardly able to eat either. All things considered, the whole trip is a waste of effort for him. His stomach twists with nerves, and it takes so much self-control not to run back to the studio. Jooheon keeps throwing him reassuring looks, but it doesn’t help much.

He doesn’t trust Hoseok with Hyungwon. Hoseok can cause Hyungwon to break down in tears with the turn of his head. Changkyun hopes nothing too damaging happens by the time they get back. Even if they aren’t on good terms, Hoseok has to recognize they’re still part of a group and Hyungwon has no ill intentions. They both should want to patch things up for the good of the group over their feelings for Minhyuk.

Hyungwon’s feelings over the other two visuals is still a bit of a mystery to Changkyun. He thinks he’s pieced together that Hyungwon has romantic feelings for Minhyuk; however, he also seems to have similar feelings for Hoseok. The blond visual’s mood seems to dictate Hyungwon’s now, and the taller vocalist seems more preoccupied with Hoseok’s emotions than Minhyuk’s actions. The rapper hadn’t talked to the youngest vocalist, though, not wanting to bring the subject up in the taller male’s presence. He was more concerned about the other’s health.

“Changkyun-ah,” The rapper glances up at the call of his name. The others are all peering at him—sans Minhyuk, who busies himself with his food. Kihyun gives the youngest a prompting look. “So you and Hyungwon-ah seem closer.”

The maknae shrugs. “I guess? I’m just looking out for him.” They aren’t anything more than they had been a month ago, if that’s what Kihyun is trying to imply. Changkyun glances at Hyunwoo, notices the leader has dropped his gaze to the tabletop. “He’s been having a hard time lately.”

Minhyuk drops his chopsticks. “I’m so sorry this had to become such a big deal for everyone.” He mumbles. “I should have said something sooner. I just didn’t think it would affect the whole group dynamic.”

Kihyun shrugs uncomfortably. “It’s kind of a big deal,” he mumbles. “You three always get along. It’s jarring when you’re all avoiding each other. And unfortunately it seems like we felt the need to take sides.”

Jooheon shares a look with each of the present members, chewing his lower lip thoughtfully. “I still don’t know what’s going on.” He admits. Hyunwoo holds his gaze, the leader nodding once quietly before both of them look to Minhyuk.

The visual squirms. “I have… feelings for both Hoseok and Hyungwon. Hoseok found out, and he didn’t take it well.” He can’t meet anyone’s eyes as he shrugs uncomfortably. “I know I shouldn’t have these feelings, but I can’t… help it,” he swallows thickly. “I shouldn’t have gotten anyone involved.”

This information is both surprising and expected for Changkyun. He’s been paying close attention to each of the three visuals, and he’s seen the longing, helpless looks Minhyuk has thrown towards Hyungwon. It isn’t difficult to put two and two together, especially when those looks match the ones he gives Hoseok.

Kihyun glances at him, uncomfortable. “It’s okay, Hyung.” He says, laying a hand on the older male’s arm.

“It’s not okay,” Minhyuk whimpers. “I ruined the group. I should get kicked out.”

“No.” Hyunwoo resolutely denies. “No one is getting kicked out. We’re staying together.” He gives Minhyuk a pointed look. The silver-haired vocalist keeps his eyes to the tabletop.

Jooheon still seems confused. “How did Hoseok-hyung find out?”

The visual looks at him briefly. “I don’t know. He just came at me with accusations, and that one was correct.” He hugs himself tightly. “I didn’t… I didn’t say anything to Hyungwon. Nothing is happening between us. He doesn’t see me like that.”

Changkyun’s fists clench under the table. “Then why are you doing this? Why can’t you just be happy with Hoseok and leave Hyungwon out of it?” He doesn’t know why he says anything; Changkyun really doesn’t want to hear Minhyuk’s side of the story. He doesn’t want to hear Minhyuk try to explain himself, because he can clearly see this whole situation isn’t hurting him nearly as much as it’s destroying Hyungwon. Minhyuk’s discomfort now holds nothing against Hyungwon’s breakdowns—especially when Minhyuk, who has been leading Hyungwon on, is the reason for the youngest visual’s misery.

And yet the older male has the audacity to look at Changkyun with a twisting frown and say, “You really can’t understand, Changkyun-ah.”

The youngest scoffs incredulously. “No, Hyung, I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand.” Minhyuk’s eyes widen, but Changkyun lowers his own gaze and picks at the remains of his food.

Kihyun sighs. “I think it’s about time we head back to the studio.” Changkyun is quick to agree, and the others all follow suit.

It’s pouring rain by the time they reach the street. Changkyun pulls his thin hood up, rushing down the block with Jooheon hot on his heels. They’re the first to arrive in the studio’s lobby, and Jooheon pulls him aside before Changkyun can storm the practice room they’d left Hyungwon and Hoseok in. The maknae looks at the older rapper questioningly as Jooheon catches his breath. The taller male gives him an odd look. “You know something important, don’t you? Something Minhyuk-hyung doesn’t know,”

Changkyun sucks in a deep breath. “All I know is what Hyungwon-hyung has told me, and what Minhyuk-hyung just said.” Jooheon holds his gaze intently, searching. Changkyun doesn’t look away, holding the other’s stare with his blank poker face. The taller rapper lets him go when the others join them in the lobby quickly after.

“Aish, I picked a bad day to forget my jacket,” Kihyun grumbles, shaking off his wet hoodie. Changkyun decides not to point out that the maknae had been the one to receive the brunt of the downpour, but he’s more interested in seeing Hyungwon, so he brushes past the others to return to the practice room.

The door to the studio is slightly ajar, and a twisting feeling settles in Changkyun’s stomach. Hyunwoo had closed the door when they left. It surprised the rapper enough that Kihyun snakes around him to push the door open further and walk into the room. Inside, they find Hyungwon absent and Hoseok lying listlessly on the floor. Minhyuk swallows nervously, approaches the other visual first. “H-Hoseok? What’s wrong?”

He sits up with his knees pulled to his chest, misery in his eyes as he gazes up at the silver-haired vocalist. His face is flushed and red, eyes puffy as tears run continue to run down his face. The line of his shoulders slumps as he gazes up at the younger visual. “I really fucked up,” he whispers, voice thick. He sniffles as he wipes away his tears. “H-have you heard from Hyungwon-ah?” Minhyuk shakes his head mutely, and Changkyun’s stomach drops to the floor. Hoseok whimpers in distress. “Minhyukkie, you have to talk to him, please, you have to _find_ him.”

The maknae sucks in a sharp breath. “Where is Hyungwon-hyung?” Changkyun demands.

“I don’t know,” Hoseok admits tearfully. “He told me not to follow him. I don’t know where he is, my messages aren’t sending to him, and I’m scared,” he looks so pitiful and guilty as he glances up at Changkyun, but the rapper can’t feel anything but anger towards his hyung.

Minhyuk, on the other hand, looks panicked. “What do you mean you don’t know?” He repeats. “What did you do?”

Hoseok’s eyes fill with tears again. He lowers his head to rest on his knees and he grabs at his hair tightly. “I fucked up so bad. I didn’t mean half the things I said, I was just angry. I didn’t _mean_ it! He needs to know I didn’t mean it!” He whimpers again.

“What did you say?” Kihyun steps in. Changkyun can see the tension in his face as the lead vocalist tightens his jaw. His eyes are unkind as he looks down at Hoseok’s trembling form. “What did you tell him? Why did he leave?”

“I told him I h- _hated_ him,” Hoseok admits quietly, enough that Changkyun almost misses it. “I told him he’s useless in the group, and he’s just using us all for his own gain. I called him pathetic and told him he’s going to end up alone.”

Minhyuk jolts back like Hoseok’s words had electrocuted him. He looks at the older visual in utter disbelief. “ _Hoseok_ ,” he starts, before his expression twists with incredulity. “What the _hell_ is wrong with you? _How could you_?” Hoseok shrinks away, but doesn’t try to explain himself.

It takes all of Changkyun’s self-control not to yell at the older visual. He has to back up, get Hoseok out of his line of sight. His blood is boiling with anger, but his heart jumps with fear. He still doesn’t know where Hyungwon is, or what he’s doing. If it’s anything like last time, it can’t be good. Changkyun needs to find the dark-haired visual. He doesn’t spare the others even a glance as he leaves the practice room.

This is a very bad time for them to still be without cell phones; Hyungwon likely isn’t somewhere he can receive messages, so it’s useless to send any. Nonetheless, Changkyun tries anyway, begging Hyungwon to disclose his location. As Hoseok had said, the messages don’t deliver, indicating Hyungwon either has his iPod off or he isn’t within range of a connected wi-fi signal. He doesn’t know what to do from there; Hyungwon could be anywhere. Changkyun doesn’t even know how long ago he left. He’s terrified.

He doesn’t realize he’s shaking until he feels a hand clap down on his shoulder. He turns wide eyes up to see Hyunwoo behind him. Their leader’s expression is blank, but his eyes are guarded. “It’s okay, Changkyun-ah. We’re going to go back home and tell the manager what happened.”

Changkyun wants to argue. He wants to sneer at Hyunwoo and tell him he’s wrong, go find Hyungwon on his own. This is Hyunwoo’s fault this happened, his idea that put Hyungwon in the situation he had to run away from. But what is he going to do? Is he going to run up and down the streets of Seoul shouting Hyungwon’s name? There’s nothing he can do. He might as well go back home with the rest of the group and wait for Hyungwon to come back. He feels helpless and awful the entire way back to the dorm. The older four members all disappear into Hyunwoo’s and Hoseok’s room, leaving the rappers in the main room.

Jooheon turns on the TV, trying to find something to distract them. Changkyun keeps checking his iPod, praying for some sign of life from Hyungwon. He can tell Jooheon is preoccupied with whatever the others are doing, but Changkyun really couldn’t care less. He hopes they all give Hoseok an earful for hurting Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon will be okay.” Jooheon says suddenly. Changkyun glances up, surprised. The older male is looking at the maknae’s iPod in his hands. “He’s not going to do anything stupid.”

_You don’t know that_ , Changkyun wants to say, but he bites his tongue. It kills him not to know, but it’s better to keep his mouth shut. He clutches the iPod tighter. He doesn’t say anything to Jooheon, turns his eyes back to the TV screen. It’s not worth it to discuss this any further.

It takes almost another hour for anything to happen. Jooheon leaves to get something to drink, and while he’s gone, Changkyun finally receives a message from Hyungwon. He almost drops the device when the message pops up, but his eyes quickly scan the screen when he steadies himself. The messages are hardly coherent at first, sent rapidly one after the other, but as they slow down, Changkyun is able to understand more of what the other is trying to ask him. He’s requesting for Changkyun to meet with him, stating he doesn’t want to go back to the dorm any time soon and he needs the rapper to bring him some necessities. He agrees without hesitation, and Hyungwon sends him an address to a hotel and tells the other he’ll leave a key at the front desk for him. The rapper collects the stuff the other male requested (as well as a few other things he thinks might cheer up the visual) before preparing to leave. He doesn’t bother telling the other members where he’s going, preferring instead to find Hyungwon as quickly as possible.

It takes him almost another half hour to find the hotel. It’s not as nice or expensive as the hotels they normally travel to, but it’s clean and modern, and the staff is nice. Changkyun collects the room key from the concierge, and makes his way to Hyungwon’s room. When he first walks into the room, he wonders if he’s been set up. There are no signs of occupancy; the queen sized bed is clearly untouched, and aside from the TV being on, it doesn’t look like anyone has been in the room since it was last cleaned. But then he hears a noise from the bathroom, and he quickly goes to investigate.

There, he finds Hyungwon curled up on the floor, an empty wine bottle lying near him. He’s shivering hard, likely due to the fact he’s drenched from head to toe. His complexion is flushed a sickly pale color; his eyes, half-lidded and red-rimmed, are puffy from crying. The visual’s chest rises and falls shallowly, body completely limp and borderline unresponsive. The rapper sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, frowning when he sees more bottles by the door, one of them half-consumed.

Hyungwon is a depressed drunk. He becomes more introspective than he normally is, and sometimes that’s not so bad, but for the most part it leads to him falling into a pit of self-loathing and existential crises. Changkyun winces. “Jesus, you planning on giving yourself alcohol poisoning or something?” he mutters.

The older male blinks slowly, eyes sluggishly traveling up the rapper’s body. “Would that be such a bad thing?” he asks in a small, slurred voice. “Besides, it’s just cheap, watered-down stuff.”

Changkyun’s expression immediately softens, and he kneels down beside Hyungwon. “Yeah, Hyung, that would be a really bad thing.” He answers. Hyungwon curls forward in order to rest his head against the rapper’s knee.

“I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah,” he mumbles. “I couldn’t go back to the dorm, and I didn’t know who else to ask. Please don’t hate me.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun starts, reaching for the older male’s hands. His skin is freezing cold. “I’m really relieved you messaged me. I was so worried about you.” He squeezes the vocalist’s fingers, absently trying to bring warmth back to his hands. “Can you tell me what happened?”

Hyungwon whimpers. “Hoseok-hyung got mad at me.” He mumbles. “I deserved it, though. He’s right about everything. I’m not a good person, and I’ll only bring everyone else down.” He seems to consider what he’s just said, whimpers again. “He’s right when he said I don’t deserve anything from you guys. I don’t even deserve to have you with me right now.” His body shakes with the effort of the shuddering sob that escapes his chest, and Changkyun’s heart breaks a little more.

“You’re wrong, Hyung.” He murmurs, letting go of one of the other’s hands in order to rake his fingers through his tousled, wet hair. “Hoseok’s wrong too. You deserve the _world_.”

Tears begin spilling from the visual’s eyes, and he squeezes them shut as he pushes himself into an upright sitting position. When he opens his eyes, there’s nothing but guilt and remorse there. “H-Hoseok said I’m just using you,” Hyungwon tearfully admits. “He said I played Minhyuk, and now I’m using you. He said I’m useless, and I’ll just end up tearing the group apart.” His agonized expression tears Changkyun’s heart to pieces. The rapper tries to pull the model closer, but Hyungwon protests. “I don’t want to use you, Changkyun-ah. I don’t want to h-hurt you,”

The rapper has to remind himself to keep the frown off his face, to remain soft and neutral. He can’t imagine Hoseok saying those things. He thought his hyung was better than that. “Hyung, you aren’t using me. I told you I wanted you to trust me, didn’t I? Don’t listen to Hoseok. He’s being stupid. You haven’t done anything wrong, okay? You haven’t tried to come onto either of them, and I know your feelings towards me. You aren’t hurting anyone; Hoseok and Minhyuk just need to work out their issues. And you definitely aren’t useless either, Hyung, don’t even entertain that idea.” This time he successfully pulls Hyungwon into a loose embrace. The taller male slumps against him, sighing quietly. Changkyun smiles softly. “Do you wanna change into the clothes I brought? You’ll probably be more comfortable once you dry off.”

“Yeah, just… hold me for a little longer?” The older idol’s voice is meek as he curls against the rapper. Changkyun murmurs an affirmative, securing his arms around the other. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy holding Hyungwon like this; he just wishes they had ended up in this position for a different reason. Slowly, he tips the older male’s head back, leans down. Hyungwon’s eyes widen, and he covers his mouth with his hand. “D-don’t. I, um, threw up before you got here.”

Changkyun purses his lips, compromises by pressing a soft kiss to Hyungwon’s forehead. The model tenses, and the younger male doesn’t miss the tremble that works through his lanky frame. The rapper holds him tighter. This is definitely a new thing to their relationship; although this isn’t the first time they’ve been in a similar position, it’s not a usual occurrence. Hyungwon doesn’t seek physical comfort much, not in comparison to most of the other members. Hoseok had described him as a tsundere once. Changkyun thought that was a fairly easy description, but it still doesn’t quite explain who Hyungwon is. The visual doesn’t express himself as externally as some of the other members of their group do. He’s very internal, doesn’t like to speak aloud unless he’s confident in what he’s about to say—most of the time, anyway; when he’s tired enough, he’ll just say whatever comes to mind (it’s cute). Initiating so much physical contact, asking for Changkyun to comfort him—these things aren’t like Hyungwon. It just proves how hurt he is.

“Have you been throwing up a lot?” Changkyun asks absently. He wants to make sure it’s not like last time.

Hyungwon’s shoulders move in a gesture reminiscent of a shrug, pushing his head against Changkyun’s shoulder. “Off and on. Threw up when I got here, and then again after drinking too much—I’m really not used to even weak alcohol. I think I’m getting worse at holding it down.” He laughs sardonically. “I’m getting worse at holding anything down, actually.”

The rapper takes a deep breath. “Why don’t you clean up a bit? I brought your stuff for you. I can go pick up something for you to eat too.”

Hyungwon’s grip on the maknae tightens. “Don’t leave.”

“It’s alright, Hyung. You can clean up, take a hot shower, and then I’ll be back and we can eat and watch re-runs on the TV.” He pulls Hyungwon back to smile reassuringly at him, but the visual looks close to tears.

“Please don’t leave me,” he whispers, desperate.

Changkyun takes a deep breath. He figures it probably would be unwise to leave the other in this state. “Okay. I won’t leave, alright? You take a shower and whatever else you need to do, and I’ll wait for you out here, okay?” He gestures to the bathroom door, keeping his gaze locked with Hyungwon’s.

The taller male only looks at him nervously. “I don’t want to be alone.” He says, and it clicks with the rapper what he means.

Heat rises to the younger’s face. “Hyung, I-I can’t shower with you,” not in this context, not these conflicting emotions fighting inside him. Hyungwon is still at least somewhat drunk; he doesn’t know what he wants. Changkyun can’t get that intimate with him.

“Then I won’t shower,” the model replies. “Please, I’m not sure I can hold myself up anyway.” His eyes beg the younger male to comply, and Changkyun silently agrees to stay. Hyungwon wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t sure he could stand on his own; his trembling is bad enough that Changkyun has to curl an arm around the taller’s thin waist to keep him upright. Hyungwon brushes his teeth and hair, washes his face. By the time he gets around to changing his clothes, he’s collected himself enough to support himself, and Changkyun turns around to give him some privacy.

The rapper wonders if this situation is odd. He’s taking care of his slightly-intoxicated, heartbroken friend, but is this weird? There’s a sense of comfort between them that hadn’t been there before, a closeness the rapper hadn’t felt with the other until now. Does it mean anything? Does Hyungwon feel the same? Maybe it’s a result of the kiss they shared; maybe it’s natural to feel after taking care of the model. Changkyun isn’t sure, but he doesn’t mind it.

Long arms reach around Changkyun’s shoulders, and Hyungwon buries his face in the crook of the younger male’s neck from behind. “Changkyun-ah, I’m so tired.” He mumbles, still-damp hair tickling the rapper’s chin. The shorter male suppresses a shudder. “My head hurts, I just wanna lie down.”

“Let’s go lay down, then,” he decides, leading the other out of the bathroom. He glances at the clock. “It’s late. Do you just want to go ahead and sleep?” Hyungwon nods. The younger idol pulls back the bed covers, and the visual curls up on the bed. Changkyun fishes through the bag he brought, pulling out a plush turtle Hyungwon had received from a fan meet. The vocalist’s eyes widen when he sees the toy, and he hugs it close before pulling Changkyun to lie down beside him.

“Changkyun-ah,” he whispers, snuggling close to the maknae with the turtle plush securely tucked between them. “Do you remember when you told me to pretend you’re Minhyuk-hyung?” Changkyun swallows thickly, heart sinking as he nods. It’s a bit unbearable, really, to have Hyungwon so physically close, but know his heart is still far away with someone who doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t expect the words that next come out of Hyungwon’s mouth. “Is it okay if I just see you? I don’t wanna pretend it’s anyone else.”

The rapper would swear his heart stops in that moment before beating hard. “Yeah, Hyung,” he barely manages out. “It’s… it’s much easier that way.” It’s not what he wants to say, not what he means, but he can’t show enthusiasm if he wants to keep Hyungwon here like this. “But what about your feelings for Minhyuk-hyung?”

Hyungwon closes his eyes. “He doesn’t love me, neither does Hoseok. I should let go before they both hate me.”

Changkyun doesn’t know what to think of that, nor what to say in reply. He isn’t going to tell Hyungwon that Minhyuk does love him. So instead he whispers, “Can I kiss you?”

“No, Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon answers. “I’m tired.”

Nonetheless, the rapper smiles and wraps his arms around the model. “Okay, Hyung. Have sweet dreams,” Hyungwon only scoffs lightly in reply, already drifting off. Soon, the older male’s breathing evens out, and Changkyun slips from the bed to turn out the lights. He crawls back into the bed, presses another chaste kiss to the top of Hyungwon’s head. “Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you—not like they did.” Minhyuk doesn’t deserve Hyungwon; he should have abandoned his feelings a long time ago if he wasn’t ever going to have the guts to confess. It isn’t fair to treat him like a side fling when the model deserves so much more.

He’s startled when he feels a hand tightly grip the front of his shirt. “Changkyun,” Hyungwon whispers shakily. The rapper tenses, doesn’t say anything. The other takes a deep breath, “Hoseok kissed me.”

“What?” Changkyun is dumbfounded. Hoseok kissed Hyungwon—after being so shitty about Minhyuk silently harboring feelings for the taller male?

“We were arguing, and he pushed me down and kissed me and told me he hates me.” There’s a pause, and Hyungwon curls closer to the maknae. Changkyun wishes he could see the other’s face. “I don’t want to be kissed by someone who hates me. Why would he do that to me?”

Suddenly the scene from the practice room makes sense. Hoseok was inconsolable because he knew he’d fucked up big time, and there was no going back from that. The two visuals’ relationship would never be the same from that moment on. Maybe Hoseok could get over it, but he’d damaged Hyungwon too much for them to be able to go back to how things were. Something will change, and it could destroy the group.

As much as he doesn’t want to, Changkyun needs to provide some defense for the other. “Hoseok-hyung was a mess when we got back to the studio. He was guilty and crying, and so, so sorry.” He pauses, waits for a reaction he doesn’t receive. “He was scared because he didn’t know what happened to you. I’d never defend him for the things he’s done to hurt you, but you need to know he doesn’t truly hate you. He wouldn’t cry over you if he seriously hated you. It’s up to you if you want to forgive him, and I fully understand if you don’t, but he sincerely doesn’t want to see you hurt.”

It’s quiet for a while after that. Changkyun assumes the other has fallen asleep. However, Hyungwon shifts, pushing himself away from Changkyun. In the slight slivers of light peeking through the curtains pulled over the room’s windows, Changkyun can’t help but think Hyungwon looks breathtaking even in his disheveled state. He starts to reach for him, brush his fingers along the line of his jaw, but the moment is broken when Hyungwon slowly opens his eyes and blinks at the other. “Is it bad that I still love him?”

“You can’t exactly hate him,”

“No, like…” A frown creases his pretty features. “You can’t say anything about this.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” the rapper agrees easily.

“I…” he hesitates, “I think I’m in love with Minhyuk and Hoseok.”

Oh. Well that clears up a lot. He can’t help but frown. “Hyung, I think it’s a bad idea to get in the middle of them right now.” He decides to say. It’s not like it’s a lie. “No matter what happens, you’ll end up being the one hurt most.”

Hyungwon holds his gaze for another moment before he cracks a bitter, broken smile. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” He says quickly, and rolls onto his other side, away from Changkyun. It takes a lot of self-control not to chase his warmth. But he frowns as he notices the other is trembling again.

“Hey, Hyung?” He reaches for his shoulder, but Hyungwon curls away this time.

“Aren’t I so _awful_ , Changkyun-ah?” He laughs, but it sounds more like a sob. “I feel like I end up _crying_ at least once every day. How do I have any tears left to shed for them? How can they keep making me feel so miserable? T-They _must_ hate me, right?” Changkyun wraps his arms around the taller idol, squeezes him tight. Hyungwon’s body shakes with violent sobbing. “I hate myself so much. It feels like my chest is going to _explode_.”

“It’s okay,” Changkyun finds himself saying. “You’ve been dependent on them for so long, it’s natural to be heartbroken. Hoseok has been mean to you, and even Minhyuk’s been awful to you. He’s been leading you on. He’s the selfish one. You have to let your feelings go. They aren’t good for you.” Hyungwon covers his mouth to muffle his cries, but Changkyun can still feel the full intensity of each sob. It breaks his heart, and he doesn’t know what to do. “I know it hurts, Hyung, but you’ll be okay. I promised I’d help you, didn’t I? You promised you would trust me. I’ll make sure they can’t hurt you.”

“I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon whimpers. “I’m so, so sorry,” He ends up crying himself to sleep, Changkyun holding him tight even after he drifts off. The rapper doesn’t relax until he’s sure the other is calmly asleep. He makes a decision in that moment, pressed against the dark-haired visual’s back as he matches the other’s now-even breaths. He isn’t going to forgive his hyungs so easily for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know what to say, tbh. i don't like this chapter, like at all, but it kinda obviously had to happen.  
> i think this could be considered the turning point of the story? idk.  
> can i get some feedback on the dialogue so far? i think it's been okay, but for some reason i don't like the flow of it in this chapter. possibly because it's nothing but dialogue. who knows? :/  
> also tell me where you wanna see this ending up? i'm genuinely curious. i'm _pretty sure_ i've settled on an ending at this point. ~~but don't hold me to it lol~~


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to make you wait for this lousy chapter :')  
> it's 12:12 am and i'm really frustrated with this.

As expected, Hyunwoo and Kihyun aren’t happy.

Hoseok squirms under their harsh gazes, hands folded tightly together in his lap as he sits on the edge of his bed. Minhyuk isn’t beside him, the other standing in front of him next to Kihyun. Unlike the lead vocalist, however, Minhyuk is turned away from the older visual. Hyunwoo, seated on the lower bunk, has the dorm’s phone pressed to his ear as he tells the manager an abridged version of tonight’s events. He keeps out the bits that would get Hoseok in _big_ trouble (just as the blond had done with them), and only says an argument between the two visuals had caused Hyungwon to storm out. The conversation doesn’t last very long (what can any of their managers do?), but it feels like forever when Hoseok knows he’s going to get yelled at—which he definitely deserves.

That moment keeps replaying in his head—when he pushed Hyungwon down and climbed on top of him. He can’t even recall what possessed him to kiss the other. He had originally intended to hit him, but something in him had snapped at the sight of the younger lying beneath him. Hoseok wonders if the situation would have ended the way it did if he’d punched Hyungwon. Would the model still have left, or would he have stayed to exchange blows? They’ve never been in a physical fight, but if it’s anything like their verbal fights, Hyungwon doesn’t take without dishing some back. That’s how it should have been. Hoseok had to fuck that up too.

Right when Hyunwoo hangs up the call, Kihyun lays into the visual with harsh words. “I can’t believe you took your chance to apologize and _fucked it up_ so badly.” He starts, and Hoseok keeps his gaze down out of guilt. “You know, it’s not Hyungwon’s fault how either of you feel. Don’t take out your frustration on him when he isn’t the one doing anything to hurt you.” Hoseok wants to snap and say he knows this, but he also wants to cry again, so he keeps his mouth shut. Kihyun looks even more annoyed at his silence.

“The manager said we should stay here until further notice,” Hyunwoo says. “He doesn’t want us trying to find Hyungwon. If he contacts us, we’re supposed to tell the managers.”

“Even if he wants to see us?” Minhyuk asks quietly, turning to look at their leader.

Hyunwoo shrugs. “I can’t stop you if you decide to leave.” He says evasively. Minhyuk sighs, turns back away. The dancer purses his lips, looks at Hoseok. “You realize you two can’t keep walking around this. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t address this obvious issue. It’s caused a large rift between you.”

Hoseok keeps his mouth shut, knowing anything he says will only further bury him. He realizes he has no defense, that Minhyuk’s feelings shouldn’t directly affect Hoseok’s actions. As much as he wants to snap and say he’s been pushed to his breaking point, he knows that’s no excuse when he’s the hyung in this situation; he should have been the one in control and keeping the situation from escalating. _He_ messed up, not Minhyuk and definitely not Hyungwon. Hoseok wishes the youngest vocalist was here; the guilt might eat him alive.

Kihyun sighs deeply. “This is getting really fucked up.” He says simply. “Honestly, the only way to figure this out is to get all of your secrets out in the open and discuss it. Hyunwoo-hyung was correct when he said communication is required, not simply preferred.”

“I don’t know what else to say.” Minhyuk mumbles. “I love Hoseok, and I also love Hyungwon. I’ve had feelings for both of you for years, and you both mean the world to me. I haven’t told Hyungwon about any of this. My relationship with him is purely platonic. _Seriously_.”

“That doesn’t matter when _he_ —,” Hoseok cuts himself off, mouth snapping shut with an audible click. He can’t tell Minhyuk about Hyungwon’s feelings (even if the younger denied them). He grimaces. “You can’t have romantic feelings for him and say your relationship is ‘purely platonic’. Don’t you think that’s contradictory?”

“How do I convince you I’m not pursuing him?” Minhyuk almost begs. “Hyungwon doesn’t see me in that way. It _can’t_ happen.”

Hoseok feels his heart clench painfully in his chest. “Why am I still the bad guy?” He demands. “Why am I the bad guy when you’re the one in the least painful position here? You’ve made me feel so inadequate and worthless. How am I supposed to be accepting of this when you’re making it clear I’m the lesser choice here?”

Minhyuk’s eyes go wide, and he looks like Hoseok had just punched him in the gut. “H-Hoseok, I didn’t know you felt so horribly about this.”

“Am I supposed to feel elated?” Hoseok scoffs. “You’ve even made Hyungwon feel like shit. You’re pitting us against each other. Do you really think that’s fair? He actually started apologizing to _me_. I just… He kept saying _sorry_ , and I was realizing how little of it was his fault, but I _wanted_ it to be him. I wanted him to be the problem, the sole reason we’re so unhappy. But he’s not any better off than we are. I-I got so mad at you and at him and even at myself; I shoved him to the floor, held him down, and told him lies just to hurt him—just to make him _stop_. I couldn’t stand to hear him talk, not when I knew he was lying to me just to make me feel better.”

“Hoseok, that’s too much,” Hyunwoo frowns disapprovingly.

A cynical laugh bubbles up from the blond’s throat as he puts his head in his hands. “God, I wish that was the worst thing I did.”

Minhyuk looks at him as if Hoseok is suddenly a stranger. “What was the worst thing you did?”

Hoseok stares up at his boyfriend, feels his heart clench painfully at the expression on the younger male’s face. He can’t own up to it, can’t tell Minhyuk what he did. He _can’t_. “I-I hit him.”

The other visual lets out a slow breath, turns away from Hoseok. He doesn’t say anything, just walks over to the other side of the room. Kihyun, on the other hand, has no problem leveling the other vocalist with a disgusted look. “He said _sorry_ and you _hit_ him?” He clarifies. “I can’t believe you. Honestly, Hyung, why would you think that’s okay?”

“I _wasn’t_ thinking,” Hoseok blurts out in poor defense.

“Obviously not,” Kihyun snaps. “ _God_ , can any of you act like adults? You want to talk like Hyungwon’s the problem here, but he hasn’t _done_ anything. If you’d been paying any attention, you’d see that he’s been doing nothing but giving you both space.

“Only since you’ve started paying attention,” Hoseok argues. “For someone who doesn’t have ‘feelings’, he sure gets in the way a lot.”

“Hyungwon has never been ‘in the way’,” Minhyuk denies fiercely. “Even if I have feelings for him and you don’t like that, he’s our friend first. You should understand that before you pick a fight with him.”

Hoseok scowls. This isn’t fair. They can’t all decide he’s the only one in the wrong. This wouldn’t be an issue if Minhyuk wasn’t being _selfish_ , if Hyungwon wasn’t trying to take the eldest visual’s happiness away. “I didn’t start this.” He hisses, “But maybe I’ll just end it.” He stands, gives Minhyuk as scathing a look as he can manage, and leaves the room.

* * *

 

Hyungwon wakes up with a dull headache, sore throat, and an overall-achey body. He buries his face into his pillow, willing himself to fall back asleep. If he ends up getting sick over what happened last night, he’s going to be more than a little pissed off. However, he feels a comforting warmth pressed against his back, and in his sleepy haze, he rolls over to nestle into the sensation. He hears a quiet laugh, and the warmth he clings to rolls over to pull him in close and fingers card through his messy hair. That’s when the visual realizes where (or rather who) the warmth is coming from.

“Good morning, Hyung,” Changkyun singsongs quietly. Hyungwon hums, pressing his head against the younger idol’s chest. He feels good here, too good to want to fully return to the world of consciousness. Like this, Changkyun is soft and safe. Hyungwon doesn’t want anything else. The other male’s embrace is all the comfort he needs. The rapper pokes Hyungwon’s side. “Did you sleep well?”

“Mm,” Hyungwon mumbles. He’s on the verge of falling back asleep.

“Do you feel better?” the younger asks, tracing patterns against the taller male’s side over his shirt; Hyungwon lazily swats his hand away. The visual glances up to meet Changkyun’s cheeky smile.

“I don’t know.” He feels odd in a way he doesn’t know how to describe. It’s his turn to wonder if the situation is strange, waking up in the arms of his bandmate, their maknae. Hoseok’s words from last night echo in his mind, _“How can you be so cruel?”_ , and Hyungwon winces. “I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah.”

The younger male doesn’t say anything right away, simply sweeping his fingers across the skin of the taller idol’s arm. The constant touching is a little strange; Changkyun is a tactile person, sure, but normally not so much with other people. He’ll do weird things with people he’s comfortable with (biting Hyunwoo’s arms, for example), but he doesn’t usually instigate contact like this. But Hyungwon doesn’t mind the distraction, so he doesn’t ask.

Changkyun pokes the older male’s chest, slowly pushing him away to roll on his back. “Now that you’re awake, why don’t you go shower? I’ll go grab us some breakfast from downstairs.” He grins, pleased with his plan, and rolls off the bed. Hyungwon frowns (pouts, really); he doesn’t feel like getting up. But Changkyun urges him out of bed, citing they’ve been lazing around too much already, and with his insistence, Hyungwon is in the shower in record time.

He takes his time getting himself together. It’s refreshing to be able to move along at his own pace instead of how quickly his schedule dictates. He doesn’t have Kihyun nagging at him to hurry up or Hoseok urging him out of the shower before he’s finished washing his hair. By the end of his shower, his headache has dissipated. He feels relaxed as he goes through his morning routine. Afterwards he finds his iPod tossed aside on the floor during his breakdown last night (he feels lucky no one was around to witness _that_ ). He scrolls through his notifications to see if he missed anything. There’s mostly just messages from his bandmembers. Most of them are from Hoseok ( _I’m sorry; we can talk this out; I didn’t mean to do that to you_ ) and Minhyuk ( _where are you; we’re all so worried about you; come back_ ). Hyunwoo and Kihyun send a few similar messages, asking if he’s alright and when he’ll be back. There’s only one message from Jooheon: _“please come home soon.”_ He feels strangely guilty after reading it. Not wanting to dwell on the messages, he sits on the bed and listens to music while he waits for Changkyun to come back.

Unfortunately, when Changkyun does come back, he’s not alone. The rapper brings with him two cups of Americano, a muffin, and one of their managers. Hyungwon winces as he meets Hongsik’s gaze. _Great_. “Hi Hyung,” he offers quietly.

Hongsik looks at him with equal exasperation and sympathy. “Hyungwon, you know you can’t just leave like this.” He reprimands. Hyungwon sinks into his oversized hoodie. The manager sighs as Changkyun sits down beside the visual. “We’re going back to the dorm as soon as possible. The company isn’t happy about having to postpone the MV shooting.”

The visual’s heart jumps. Hyungwon begs not to go back to the dorm, tells Hongsik that he and Hoseok got in a fight, and he can’t deal with it yet. Hongsik only insists that’s all the more reason for the two visuals to try and patch things up as soon as they can. He reminds Hyungwon this “incident” has already set their schedules back severely, and they can’t afford to waste more time. Hyungwon is instructed to pack up and get ready to leave while Hongsik leaves to make a phone call. With how little they brought, it doesn’t take long to pack. Changkyun assists the vocalist, which only means they have to leave sooner. The visual feels detached as he watches Changkyun pack up the last of the few things he’d brought. Hyungwon decides to waste time slowly sipping the coffee Changkyun had brought him.

The rapper watches him carefully from where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, picking apart his muffin. He offers a chunk to the other. “Hyung, are you going to be alright?”

Hyungwon snorts, refusing the offer. “No.” How can he look at Hoseok after what happened? How can he look at Minhyuk after what they did? How can he face the group when he _knows_ he’s moments away from being kicked to the curb? He places his coffee on the TV stand behind him to put his face in his hands. “Do you think quitting the group would be much of a hassle?”

“Getting out of your contract will,” Changkyun quips. He stands, reaching for the other’s hands. Hyungwon watches him with defeat. The younger male offers a flat look. “There’s no easy fix to this.” He states. “You three will need to talk this out. But if you need time away from Hoseok-hyung, I’ll support you.”

“Thanks,” he murmurs, and he means it. He needs people in his corner right now. Even so, a frown pulls at his expression. “Why did you decide to get so involved with my problems?” He asks, genuinely curious. Although he appreciates the support, Hyungwon doesn’t understand what incites the younger to stand by him so insistently. It’s weird, isn’t it? Changkyun has been acting different, doing things for the vocalist Hyungwon knows he’d never do for anyone else. Why? What did Hyungwon do to deserve it?

The maknae shrugs. “I really don’t like seeing you sad.” He offers quietly. “I… I want you to know you’re not alone.”

The visual purses his lips, but leans forward to pull Changkyun into a loose hug. “I really appreciate it.” He murmurs in thanks. It doesn’t make him feel any less anxious, but he feels reassured. It’s enough, he decides, and he breathes in the other’s scent. He smells faintly like the hotel-brand shampoo; Hyungwon wonders when he even had time to shower.

“Hey, Hyung?” Changkyun murmurs quietly, tentative. The taller male pulls back to look at him. There’s a hint of amusement mixed with hesitance in the rapper’s eyes as he asks, “Can I kiss you now?”

Hyungwon purses his lips in thought. “How come you want to kiss me so much?”

Changkyun looks a bit sheepish. “I-I just thought it made you feel better that first time, so I guess I thought you liked it,” his eyes dart down nervously. Hyungwon regards him for a quiet moment. He didn’t really want to talk about the kiss. It wasn’t like he disliked it (contrary, it was better than any other kiss he’d shared), but if he had a choice, he’d turn back time and keep himself from doing it. He knows with Changkyun, if you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile. Even if it’s just for the model’s benefit, can’t something like this get messy? He doesn’t know what _feelings_ are involved on the other’s part. It’s not fair to either of them, is it?

As if reading his thoughts, the younger leans in a bit closer. “I would be lying if I said it was just for you, though. I, uh, really liked kissing you. I know you don’t have feelings for me, and you don’t have to kiss me if you really don’t want to, but I can’t help but ask. We don’t have to be anything more than what we already are. It doesn’t have to be anything but platonic. What’s wrong with kissing a friend every once in a while? If we both want to do it, what’s the problem? It’s like, friends with benefits. But like, innocent.”

The model offers an exasperated smile. “You’re really stubborn,” he points out uselessly. He considers the other’s words, slowly leans in closer. Changkyun meets him halfway, gently pressing their lips together. It’s sweet and slow, Hyungwon lazily guiding the pace. The action lacks the desperate edge their first kiss held, much more affectionate and gentle. Changkyun’s hands circle the model’s waist; Hyungwon’s settle on the rapper’s shoulders. It’s innocent, tastes of the coffee lingering on their lips. Hyungwon feels warmth spread all through his body. He breaks the kiss not long after it begins, rests their foreheads together, and relishes in this tiny moment of bliss.

He opens his eyes, finds Changkyun staring up at him with an odd sense of awe. The maknae opens his mouth to say something, but the two idols startle as they hear a knock at their room’s door. “Let’s go,” Hyungwon whispers, offering a small smile. The good feelings fade with the prospect of having to leave the safety of the hotel room, but he realizes there’s no getting around it. The rapper smiles too, squeezing one of the other’s hands. They separate to answer the door.

Changkyun greets their manager while Hyungwon grabs their bag off the bed. Hongsik ushers them both out quickly. The drive from the hotel to the dorm is much shorter than the walk from the studio (which is obviously expected, but not at all appreciated). “The others are practicing,” Hongsik tells them as they head upstairs. “You both are to stay here for the rest of the day. The rest of the group will be back in a few hours.”

Hyungwon thinks it’s a bit unfair. Sure, he may have disrupted the entire flow of their schedule, but it’s not like they can’t film on another day. He’s an adult, but right now he feels like nothing more than a troublesome child. However, he supposes he’s lucky he isn’t immediately forced to face Hoseok and Minhyuk. Hongsik turns to them when they reach the dorm. “Stay here, alright? I’ll be back.” With that, the two idols are left alone.

They settle in the main room, Hyungwon stretching his long legs in front of him on the couch while leaning against Changkyun’s shoulder. They turn on the TV for background noise. They sit in silence for a while. His stomach churns with nerves just from being back here where he knows the others will be back at any time to yell at him. Hyungwon does anything he can to distract himself from his own anxiety. After the fifteenth time he adjusts his sleeves, Changkyun takes his hand and loosely threads their fingers together. “Calm down. If you really can’t face them right now, I’ll make sure you don’t have to.”

The model takes a deep breath. “Yeah, okay, thank you.” He feels nauseous. He tries not to focus on it, curling up tighter. He filters his thoughts, focuses on coming up with something appropriate to say to the others when he sees them. Should he be apologetic? He’d inconvenienced them, after all. But it’s Hoseok’s fault he left in the first place. Maybe he just won’t say anything; he’ll let the others scold him for wasting all of their time and causing trouble. He sighs, sinks against Changkyun’s shoulder. His headache is creeping back up on him. Changkyun wraps an arm around the vocalist’s shoulders, and Hyungwon closes his eyes. All he can do now is wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna regret this i 100% guarantee. i just wanna write something soft. maybe some other time.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter, sorry, but i didn't have time to write and didn't want to make you guys wait again. also i'm updating off my phone, so please let me know if there's any stupid errors. also i apologize if this chapter reads inconsistently; i wrote it in numerous pieces, and i'm still not sure if it reads well :/ in other words: this is shitty, but what's new?  
> nonetheless, back to business as usual.

Hyungwon isn’t sure whether or not he’s surprised the managers don’t come back to scold him and Changkyun. They’re left alone for the most part, which is nice, although they’re basically in time-out for the entire day. Changkyun only leaves the older male’s side to make instant ramen for them (the only thing he can reliably make). Hyungwon eats his portion more out of politeness than actual hunger. The other members don’t come back until late in the evening (Hyungwon suspects they were instructed to stay out for the day). The younger visual tenses up when he hears the dorm’s front door open and voices filter into the quiet apartment. Hyungwon unfolds his long limbs as he stands from the couch and edges defensively towards the hallway, his only accessible escape route. He’s taken by surprise, however, as Hyunwoo marches purposefully toward him, grabbing the younger male by his biceps. The visual can only stare, wide-eyed and a bit incredulous, as their leader looks him over with concern. Confusion crosses his expression briefly, but the quick once-over seems to sate him. He loosens his grip as he asks, “Hyungwon-ah, how are you doing?”

It’s a clumsy question. The model pulls back a bit, trying to get some space as he slips away from the older male’s hands. “I’m…” He pauses, not knowing how to answer. He doesn’t want to cause a scene or worry anyone, but he’s not ‘fine’ or ‘okay’, and he doesn’t want to lie. He wants them to understand how much he’s hurting, wants Hyunwoo to take his side. He’s tired of being constantly on the defense. His heart aches too much to keep this going. It isn’t worth it to keep quiet. “I’m really not okay.” He quietly admits.

As if his words open the floodgates holding Minhyuk’s emotions back, the other visual quickly crowds him. “Hyungwonnie, I’m so sorry about everything. I promised you I’d fix everything between all of us, and instead I just ignored it until this all happened. But no more, I swear. We’re going to end this—however we can.” His gaze is earnestly apologetic as he leans in close.

“O-okay,” Hyungwon flinches back, overwhelmed. Minhyuk looks hurt for a split second, but he thankfully backs off.

Hyunwoo’s still looking at him rather intensely as he speaks again. “Where did you go? The managers told us where they picked you up, but I want to hear from you what happened.”

Hyungwon swallows nervously. He doesn’t want to talk about how he walked aimlessly through the rainy city streets before finding a convenience store and grabbing as much cheap alcohol as he could before finding a hotel to cry and drink in peace. Especially, he doesn’t want to talk about what happened after Changkyun joined him at the hotel. “I walked a bit. Found a hotel, stayed there,” he decides to say. He watches Hyunwoo’s gaze shift from him to Changkyun, seeming to accept the visual’s explanation when the maknae shrugs.

At this point, Hoseok slowly approaches, carefully standing on Hyungwon’s opposite side. He keeps his hands stubbornly at his sides, his fingers fixed in a forcedly relaxed position that looks entirely unnatural. He keeps a noticeable distance between them, but even so, Hyungwon feels surrounded and crowded in. Hoseok looks at him guiltily. “We need to talk,” he murmurs. “I really, really would appreciate the chance to properly apologize to you, Hyungwon.”

The dark-haired visual uneasily shifts his weight from foot to foot. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now,” he mumbles, eyes darting to everyone but the other two visuals. His gaze settles on Changkyun, silently pleading with the maknae. He doesn’t want to have this conversation now.

Changkyun circles the model, clearing more space between Hyungwon and Hoseok. “If you want to talk, Hyung, I think it would be best if you speak in front of all of us, considering how yesterday went.”

The eldest visual seems to consider this proposal, but he falters as he glances at Hyunwoo. “No, this needs to be fixed between the three of us.” Hoseok refuses, throwing Changkyun a pointed look. “This is our problem, and it isn’t your business.” Hyungwon feels defensive at that remark, wants to tell Hoseok off and walk away. But he can’t, not now, so he doesn’t. He does shoot the visual a disapproving look, however.

Kihyun speaks up for the first time, “You can’t have a simple conversation without it devolving into at least one of you stomping off. How can we expect you to resolve this rationally?” He demands, and Hyungwon’s relieved to have the other on his side. “We can’t have you three running around each other like this. Believe it or not, your avoidance is making things worse for everyone in the group. You need to figure out what’s wrong, not keep hurting each other. Someone has to mediate this conversation.”

“No, Kihyun,” Minhyuk speaks up. “Hoseok is right. We started this ourselves, and now we need to end this ourselves.” Hyungwon chances a look at the silver-haired visual, sees the determination in his eyes. The model’s heart aches for him.

Hyunwoo levels the three visuals with a thoughtful look. “Minhyuk-ah,” he says, tone carefully resigned. “Please be fair. We haven’t been blind to this whole thing. We can see who’s been the most affected by the situation.” Here, their leader directs an apologetic look towards Hyungwon, who simply looks down at the floor. The visual absently wishes for the floor to open up under his feet and swallow him whole. This is shameful, to have involved the whole group. He should take care of his problems on his own, just as he had in the past.

“It’s okay, Hyunwoo-hyung.” Hyungwon says quietly. “We’ll be alright. Right, Hoseok-hyung?” He looks up at Hoseok, and the blond nods quickly. Hyungwon pushes a forced smile on his face.

“If you’re sure,” Hyunwoo says hesitantly. Hyungwon nods firmly. Their leader sighs. “Okay. Minhyuk, I’m trusting you. We’ll leave you alone in here.”

Changkyun looks a bit incredulous. “Hyung, you can’t be serious.”

“Don’t worry, Changkyun, we need to do this eventually,” the dancer reasons. He glances at Hoseok, finds the other weakly smiling at him. Already, the younger feels nausea churning in the pit of his stomach as the others leave the visuals alone—Hyunwoo leans over and whispers something in Hoseok’s ear as he passes, whereas Kihyun gives Hoseok a rather scathing look and Jooheon throws Hyungwon a decisively pitying expression. The younger visual quietly watches them leave, giving himself a little more time to delay this incoming inevitable. Changkyun nudges the dark-haired vocalist’s arm, offers a reassuring nod, and joins the others. Hyungwon sits on the edge of the couch, and Minhyuk sits beside him. Hoseok tentatively sits further away on Minhyuk’s other side. An uncomfortable silence follows.

“Okay,” Minhyuk says eventually. “I need to get this off my chest. We need to clear the air. No more secrets.” Minhyuk’s hand curls around the dark-haired vocalist’s arm and squeezes, tight like a vice. He might as well have grabbed Hyungwon by the throat with how suffocating the sudden action is. “Hyungwon,” the mood-maker says calmly, “I love you.”

The oxygen in the air dissipates; Hyungwon stops breathing. Did Minhyuk just _confess_ to him? No way—he refuses to believe that. Minhyuk can’t _love_ him—not the Hyungwon needs him to. He loves Hoseok, and they’re perfect for each other. This isn’t real. Minhyuk’s grip on Hyungwon’s arm tightens as he maintains steady eye contact. He continues, “I’ve loved you for a long time—maybe even since I first met you. It always felt good to be around you, and I’m so happy we’ve been able to stay together this long. After we started dating, Hoseok found out I still have feelings for you. I know I shouldn’t selfishly love you, but I can’t help it, especially when you’re in so much pain.” His eyes are conflicted. “So this is all my fault. I’m sorry you had to be dragged into it.”

The air comes back. Although his head still feels blank, Hyungwon realizes the confession doesn't mean what he hopes it did. Minhyuk still doesn’t return Hyungwon’s feelings; he still just loves him platonically, as he had from the start. The younger’s heart sinks, fractures a little more, but he pushes it aside to refocus on the conversation at hand. Hyungwon can’t think about those words, not right now, so he pushes them away and refuses to further acknowledge them. The dark-haired model’s eyes are wide as he looks from Minhyuk to Hoseok. The eldest visual looks at both of the others, sets his jaw in a slight grimace. He doesn’t seem surprised. The youngest vocalist doesn’t even know what to say. He can only look at Hoseok uncomfortably. “Is that why you did that to me yesterday? Why you said all those things to me? Because Minhyuk-hyung says he loves me?” The older male briefly closes his eyes and nods very slowly.

“I’m so sorry you had to be brought into this because of my feelings.” Minhyuk soothes, and he still won’t let go of Hyungwon’s arm. It doesn't make him feel any better; if anything, he feels worse. “I didn’t think Hoseok would ever know, let alone start a physical altercation with you over it.” Here he pauses to shoot Hoseok a disapproving look. “I never intended for you to get hurt, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon frowns, feeling a mixture of emotions he can’t begin to describe—distrust stands out, however. It’s unbelievable that Hoseok would get this upset over Minhyuk platonically loving Hyungwon just as he always had. That has to mean Hyungwon did something to make Hoseok mad at him specifically. He feels miserable as he focuses on Hoseok. “You… you really do hate me that much?”

Hoseok shakes his head vehemently. “ _No_ , Hyungwon, I didn’t mean what I said. I just got mad—I-I realize this isn’t your fault. But I really… wanted it to be. I’m so sorry.” He reaches for Hyungwon’s hand, eyes imploring. “I have no excuse for what I did, and I never should have hurt you like that.”

The younger idol feels tears burning behind his eyes, but he refuses to cry again. Quickly, he shakes his hand out of Hoseok’s. “No, no you don’t get to forgive yourself just like that. I can’t accept that. I _can’t_ accept that you wanted to hurt _me_ because you were upset at someone else. What did I do? How did I hurt you, or threaten you? I didn’t… I didn’t _ask_ for this to happen. I tried my best to stay _out_ of your way, but you _dragged_ me into the middle of this. This… how can this _still_ be my fault?”

“It’s not your fault,” Hoseok agrees hastily. “I’m not trying to forgive myself. I know what I did was awful and repulsive. I was feeling neglected and jealous, and I lashed out in the worst way. I just—I need us to be able to be friends again. Do you… do you think we can go back?”

Hyungwon feels a knot of ugly emotions churn in his stomach. He’s on the verge of losing it. “We can’t _go back_ , Hoseok—not after you _pushed_ me and _kissed_ me and told me you _hate_ me,” He cuts off with a choked sob, and he hates himself for it. He wants to be the bigger person, to stand above them and reduce _them_ to tears for once while he’s unaffected, but it hurts too much. Thinking about the words Hoseok said to him is too overwhelming. “I can barely look at you right now, honestly.”

Minhyuk’s eyes go wide as saucers, and he whirls to face Hoseok. The blond’s expression crumbles, but he doesn’t pay Minhyuk any attention as he leans across the couch, softly trying to placate the distressed model. “I’m so sorry. I never should have touched you. I was awful to you, and I can never undo that. Please let me make it up to you. I’ll do anything to fix it.” It’s almost embarrassing. He’s almost scrambling to put together a worthwhile apology, and he yet he still doesn’t realize what he’s done, what he’s still doing.

“You don’t even know what you’ve done,” Hyungwon forces out. He wraps his arms around himself defensively. They’re reaching dangerous territory here; if Hoseok keeps pushing, Hyungwon might spill everything. “You’ll _never_ understand what you did to me.”

Hoseok stands suddenly, moving closer, but Minhyuk gets up and pushes him back. “Hoseok, you _kissed_ him?” He demands, and Hyungwon isn’t sure he’s seen the other so visibly angry. He’s tense and _shaking_. Taken aback, Hoseok can only nod dumbly. “You have the guts to sit there and tell me I’m the bad guy when you think it’s okay to push people around and take what you want from them? You _lied_ to me.” He turns to the younger visual behind him, expression softening when he sees the wide-eyed and surprised expression on Hyungwon’s face. “Did he hurt you?”

Hyungwon suddenly feels dizzy. “I-I…” he swallows thickly, eyes darting from Minhyuk’s face to Hoseok’s. The eldest visual looks defeated, resigned. He knows the model holds all the cards right now; Hyungwon could destroy him if he pleased. He can’t do that, however, not to Hoseok. Even if he can’t salvage his relationship with the blond, he can’t ruin Hoseok’s and Minhyuk’s. But he doesn’t know what to say to help the other that isn’t a lie at his own expense. Hoseok _did_ hurt him, more than he can admit. It wouldn’t help anyone to lie and say it wasn’t a big deal when Hyungwon literally ran away from him because of it. He can’t save this, he realizes, and he folds. “Isn’t that obvious? You’ve _both_ hurt me—more than I can describe. But—,” he hesitates, “—I’ve hurt you guys too. Yesterday wasn’t entirely Hoseok-hyung’s fault. I provoked him. Hoseok-hyung only reacted. It was wrong, but he’s not a bad guy. He’s not a liar.”

Minhyuk looks sad. He crouches in front of the younger still seated on the couch, lightly grabs him by the shoulders. “Hyungwonnie, you didn’t do anything to deserve that. Even if you provoked him, Hoseok had no excuse to do any of those things to you.”

“Don’t brush it off.” Hoseok agrees quietly. “I don’t deserve it.”

The younger looks at them helplessly, not certain what else to say. His lower lip trembles. “I don’t want to brush it off, but I don’t want you to be mad.”

“No one’s mad at you.” Minhyuk reassures.

“I don’t want you to be mad at Hoseok.” He clarifies, voice wavering. Minhyuk can’t get upset on Hyungwon’s behalf. But Minhyuk only looks at him sadly, disbelief in his eyes. He squeezes Hyungwon’s shoulders as he searches the younger’s expression. The dark-haired dancer squirms under the scrutiny. He can’t hold the other’s gaze. It’s quiet for too long, but all Hyungwon can do is hold his breath and wait.

“We’re done.” Minhyuk suddenly decides, shaking his head as he stands. The other two visuals blink at him in surprise.

“Wait,” Hoseok says, “We aren’t done with this conversation. We haven’t sorted anything out.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Minhyuk denies. “If this is how you’re going to be, Hoseok, we shouldn’t be romantically involved with each other. So we’re done. I’m sorry.”

Hyungwon’s heart drops to the floor. No no no, this shouldn’t be happening. They can’t be breaking up—not because of Hyungwon, and Minhyuk’s platonic affection. But Minhyuk’s walking away—literally, as Hyungwon lurches towards him. “Minhyuk-hyung, _please_ ,” he begs, wrapping his arms around the older male’s waist to stop him. He can’t let this happen, not if he’s the reason. Hyungwon could live without them knowing they’re happy with each other, but he doesn’t know what he’ll do without even that—especially if he’s the cause. Hyungwon needs to bridge the gap, pull them back together. He can make certain they’re happy this time. “Please, you can’t leave. You can’t break up. Don’t do this. You can work this out; I’ll leave you alone, I promise—,”

“Hyungwon-ah, stop.” Minhyuk soothes, twisting around to face the younger. “I don’t want you to leave. This can’t work if we have to push our friends away to feel secure.” He smiles sadly, but his lips are trembling and his eyes are tearing up; it’s obvious he’s covering up how upset he is. “It was a bad idea. We can’t keep hurting each other.” He pulls himself out of the model’s weak, shaky grip too easily and quickly leaves without another look back. Hyungwon feels sick as he watches the other leave.

He chances a look at Hoseok. The eldest visual is staring blankly at the floor, his eyes wide with muted disbelief. He seems frozen in place, almost uncomprehending of time moving on without him. “Hyung,” the younger idol chokes out. This isn’t okay, and Hoseok needs to do something. But he doesn’t move. Hyungwon scowls, even as he feels nausea and immense guilt washing over him. “This is why everything’s always fucked up!” He snaps. “Because you can’t ever communicate what you’re feeling!”

Hoseok looks at him then, eyes slowly drifting up to the dark-haired idol’s face. His expression doesn’t change, and his voice is toneless as he replies, “As if you’re any better.” The statement lacks malice, but it aches all the same. Hyungwon carries it with him as he escapes to his shared room and curls up under his covers. He doesn’t leave his bunk for the rest of the night, not even when Kihyun comes to collect him later. He only cries when the older vocalist softly reassures him he isn’t the one at fault, because he knows it’s a lie. Hyungwon is everything that’s wrong with this group.

(He doesn’t know that Minhyuk wastes the evening muffling his sobs into a bunny plushie after informing the others of his decision—nor does he find out Hoseok spends the night alone in the studio, not bothering to return until the early hours of the next morning.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, hello, it's been too long ;-;  
> this chapter is rushedrushedrushed, because i still have no time to write, but i wanted to get something out. hopefully it's not toooo bad. it's a little filler-y, but it sets up some important stuff....... i think?  
> there is more eating disorder stuff, but it's only at the **very end**.  
>  the scenes are kind of out of order chronologically (a little bit?), but i didn't want to flip them. oops.  
> also: there's a big-ass time skip because, wow, i'm lazy :(

As the group finishes promotion preparations, it’s clear all three visuals are working on autopilot. The group is almost hyper-focused on their promotions after the most recent split. The visuals throw themselves into their work, and don’t have much to do with the rest of the group otherwise. Through the rest of the preparations and promotions, they only put up any semblance of normality when in front of a camera. It’s painful, even when Minhyuk is trying to make himself numb.

Minhyuk wishes he knew how they all ended up in this volatile position in which they’ve all become enemies. He’s truly only ever loved the two visuals, and he doesn’t understand how they’ve all come to such a regrettable conclusion. He doesn’t want to be selfish, but he can’t help it. He can’t stop himself from making his best friends cry.

Is it his fault everything fell through? Sometimes it feels like it, but other times it feels like it’s ludicrous that one admittance could completely destroy his relationship with Hoseok (and Hyungwon, if he feels like being honest with himself). It’s not fair, he thinks, but what can he do about it? He can’t take Hoseok’s side, and he can’t leave him to instead pick up the pieces with Hyungwon. He doesn’t want to pick one over the other in this situation, so he’s stuck in the middle with neither of them. He turns his back as Hoseok tries to hold himself together and Hyungwon drifts further away. It’s torture.

Maybe that’s what’s selfish: doing nothing but lamenting his own pain when he’s the one inflicting it on everyone. He’s gotten caught up in his own wants the he’s ignoring the others’ needs. It’s wrong of him, sure, but he doesn’t know what to do without inflicting more harm. He promised to fix things, but how is he supposed to do anything when no one else is trying? Why is it his job to clean up what Hoseok tore down?

No, that’s not the attitude he should have. He can’t blame Hoseok. Minhyuk is the one that fucked up, isn’t he? He needs to keep his promise to Hyungwon.

He wishes he knew how to fix what happened. He’s not quite sure he completely understands, however. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he doesn’t even know how Hyungwon got involved. It’s not like he’s jealous like Hoseok—he hadn’t reacted much to Minhyuk’s confession. Why does Hoseok find him such a threat? The silver-haired visual isn’t sure he has enough information to piece together the whole picture here.

(He hides away the realization that he had felt hurt at the fact Hyungwon hadn’t verbally responded to Minhyuk holding out part of his bleeding heart to the younger. It’s for the best that Hyungwon doesn’t return the silver-haired male’s complicated feelings. _Truly_.)

So he lets the situation remain unchanged for now. He finds it for the best, to keep quiet and let them all calm down before talking it out. The longer he waits, however, the more the tension between them seems to grow. Even breaking up with Hoseok hadn’t brought any relief. Minhyuk doesn’t know what to do. All he wants is for them to go back to how they were.

(If he’s honest with himself, he’d admit he’s really sick of seeing them, sick of their misery reminding him of how much of a fuck up he is as well.)

He realizes it can’t be that easy when Hoseok finds him during a lull in their busy schedules. The blond catches him, apparently having waited who-knows-how-long, as the younger vocalist is on his way out of vocal practice with Hyunwoo to grab something to eat. “Can I join you for lunch?” he asks, trying to be casual, but his voice isn’t quite so confident. Minhyuk doesn’t refuse him, doesn’t have a reason to. They stop at a nearby convenience store for ramen, and Hoseok directs them over to an isolated table outside to sit at. Although he knows he shouldn’t, Minhyuk sits across from the dancer.

Hoseok is smiling at him tentatively, eyes hopeful. “It’s been too long,” he comments lightly. “This round of promotions kept us really busy, huh?”

“Yeah,” Minhyuk offers simply.

At the curt reply, Hoseok falters, and red colors the tips of his ears. “Um… I miss you,” he admits, quieter. Minhyuk’s jaw clenches; he thinks of Hyungwon, the line of his shoulders hunched and tired as Minhyuk had spoken the same words to him.

“We see each other every day,” the younger points out unhelpfully. He wants to be stubborn and difficult, but he knows he’s going to have a hard time keeping up that act with Hoseok. His hyung is too sensitive, too needy; Minhyuk knows doing this will only hurt the blond, and he realizes reducing the other to tears won’t help. He sighs. “I miss you too. I miss Hyungwon-ah too.”

Hoseok winces. “Yeah. That’s fair.” His eyes are downcast as he adds, “I need to patch things up with him… still. I want to talk to him soon.”

Minhyuk sighs. “Are you asking me for help? I haven’t talked to him either.” His head tilts to the side in question. “Do you know how he’s doing?”

The other shrugs. “Obviously he won’t talk to me. Really, I haven’t had the time—,”

“Then why are you here?” Minhyuk interrupts impatiently. “Don’t talk to me about a problem you haven’t tried to fix.”

“I’ve _tried_ ,” Hoseok defends. “I’ve tried to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to speak with me alone—for good reason, admittedly—and I don’t want to involve anyone else. Please Minhyuk-ah, I need your help to mend our relationships.”

“Stop.” Minhyuk can’t keep having this conversation. “Don’t say he won’t talk to you when we both know he _always_ listens to you. He’s not seeking you out, but I wouldn’t jump to say he’s shutting you out. _You’re_ just scared. If you can’t get over yourself and fix this, we can’t make this work. We are all supposed to be friends before anything else. _I_ won’t forgive you before Hyungwon does.” Hoseok isn’t getting anything from the other visuals if he won’t even _try_ to clean up his mess.

(He doesn’t add the fact that even he can’t bring himself to talk to Hyungwon yet, too guilty and hurt.)

“What am I supposed to do?” Hoseok argues weakly. “How am I supposed to know what to say? Am I supposed to put him before me, before you? Why is he the most important person here?”

Minhyuk clenches his jaw. “He’s not more important than either of us, but he’s obviously hurting a lot more.”

“But _why_?” the blond interrupts, eyes suddenly blazing. “ _Why_ is he so hurt? _Why_ did he let our relationship ruin him?” He holds Minhyuk’s gaze intently, daring him to answer. The silver-haired vocalist keeps his jaw shut tight, lip curling into a deeper frown. Hoseok rolls his eyes, “Don’t you get it? How haven’t you realized? How haven’t you seen how _utterly devastated_ he is without you? He’s so obviously _in love_ with you, I almost feel _bad_.”

The statement startles a weak scoff from Minhyuk’s lips. _How ridiculous_. “Did you not see how he reacted when I told him I love him?” he counters. “Hyungwon-ah doesn’t love me like that. No, he’s not in love with me. Judging by how he’s been acting, if he’s in love with either of us, it’s _you_ , Hoseok.” The dancer freezes, the fighting expression sliding from his face. Minhyuk can see the gears turning behind his eyes, and a weirdly nauseous feeling settles in the pit of his stomach. He swallows thickly, tries to clear his throat as he ducks his head.

“M-Minhyuk, there’s no—,”

“He really cared about what you felt.” Minhyuk sighs, the pieces in his own head clicking together. Of course, how couldn’t he see it before? Hyungwon was always at Hoseok’s side anyway. “He made sure to do whatever it took to stay out of your way, including avoiding me.” He glances up, meets Hoseok’s wide eyes. The younger male feels inexplicable hurt spreading through his chest. He needs to leave.

He starts to stand, and the older visual makes a slight noise of protest. There’s an off expression on his face as he reaches forward. “Minhyuk, wait a second—,”

Hoseok is upset now, mouth twisting anxiously, but Minhyuk honestly doesn’t want to hear any more. “You’re the reason this fell apart, Hoseok. I don’t even know why you’re here right now. I can’t patch things up with you before you fix things with Hyungwon— _on your own_.” With that, Minhyuk takes his cup noodles to find somewhere else to eat. He doesn’t care if Hoseok cries as he leaves; he only wants to be left alone.

They’re both so pathetic, but for the time being, Minhyuk is okay pretending Hoseok is the only problem.

* * *

 

Hyunwoo thought he was doing the right thing. Back when Hoseok and Minhyuk first announced they were dating, he thought the best thing to do was be supportive. When tensions raised within the visual line, he thought it best to let them handle it themselves. He didn’t want to get in the way of their business, and figured three adults could handle themselves. He doesn’t realize how destructive they all are without each other.

That’s not quite true, he realizes as he reflects. The signs were all there; he only chose to ignore them. It’s only glimpses for the most part, but he does catch the signs that the three visuals are falling apart—some of them into more pieces than the others.

He thinks Minhyuk has kept himself together the best. The mood-maker is better at hiding his negative emotions, a talent practiced over many years. He can smile without a care in the world even if the sky is falling down around him. Normally this is an appreciated skill, as Minhyuk keeps them upbeat and happy, but after everything that’s happened, it’s only concerning—and makes his avoidance even more obvious. Hyunwoo hadn’t believed him for a moment when Minhyuk announced the visuals had solved their issues, not when they’d all retreated from each other and refused to reconnect. Minhyuk smiles away his concerns, waves away his problems and powers through as if ignoring them would make them disappear. Minhyuk is naïve to think this will work, that he’ll be able to salvage his friendships by doing this. He’s making irreparable mistakes.

Hoseok is the most visibly remorseful (of course, the man could never hide his true emotions). He’s constantly throwing longing looks to either visual, a silent plea in his eyes for them to return. Hyunwoo is relieved to see the hostility towards the dark-haired model is gone, but he wishes Hoseok could take the initiative to talk. Instead he spends more time at the gym, in the practice room, in the studio. Some nights he doesn’t come home. It’s all for the group’s upcoming schedules, he claims, but Hyunwoo knows he’s only pushing himself to keep his mind occupied.

Hyunwoo’s concerns for the older two visuals pale in comparison to how he feels about Hyungwon. It’s almost like the lanky idol emotionally shuts down. He doesn’t approach anyone for anything that isn’t related to work, his behavior stiff and robotic almost. He distances himself from everyone else, including Changkyun. Like Hoseok, he puts all his focus into work, although instead of spending extra time in the studio, he simply spends any time off their schedules sleeping in the dorm. He simply doesn’t have the energy for anything else. It’s clear that Hyungwon isn’t eating regularly; they can all see it in the way his sweatshirts hang even looser on his lanky frame, in the way his limbs visibly shake as he desperately works to keep up during their practices. Hyunwoo can see this, but he can’t say anything. He’s scared of aggravating the situation further.

He asks Changkyun about it—he’s been the closest to the visual lately, after all. The rapper gives him a vague answer, saying something along the lines that Hyungwon just needs a break, and Changkyun’s _helping_ , but Hyunwoo isn’t _stupid_ ; he knows Hyungwon isn’t even _talking_ to Changkyun right now. The maknae isn’t ‘helping’.

The leader doesn’t know what to do, so he ends up looking to Kihyun for help. Maybe it’s not fair to turn to the lead vocalist with issues Hyunwoo should solve as leader, but he recognizes this situation requires more care than Hyunwoo’s socially-clumsy self can provide on his own. Luckily, Kihyun is willing to listen and offer his own advice and assistance. “If he’s neglecting to take care of himself, we just need to be there to remind him,” he reasons simply. He doesn’t take the idea of Hyungwon starving himself as heavily as Hyunwoo does, but maybe it’s better for the lead vocalist to keep a level head about it when the normally-calm leader can’t. He appreciates the younger idol’s ability to balance him out.

Kihyun had been keeping tabs on Minhyuk, but the mood-maker had lost favor with the brunet after the visual had decided to shut them all out. He’d been less than friendly with Minhyuk and Hoseok after what had happened with the blond and Hyungwon, as well as with how Minhyuk decided to deal with it. The lead vocalist is ready to step in, Hyunwoo knows, and the dancer thinks maybe they need to at this point. But that means Hyunwoo has to help Hyungwon on his own while Kihyun thinks of a plan to confront the other two visuals with.

Hyunwoo does as Kihyun suggests, keeps an eye on Hyungwon whenever he can. They don’t have a whole lot of time to spend together, and so Hyunwoo can’t do much more than remind Hyungwon to take care of himself and press sugary canned drinks and small snacks into the younger’s hands when he looks ready to give out during schedules. The leader rarely sees the younger eat much more than that, and when he does Hyungwon doesn't usually stick around after, but Hyunwoo never thinks much about it; he’s convinced himself already that the other is going to bounce back soon as he appears to be eating more again (he doesn’t let himself see nothing’s changing, that Hyungwon’s not getting better—he’s still tired and despondent). So he’s nothing but confused when Hyungwon isn’t any stronger during practices and performances, when he still looks like he can barely find the energy to keep his head up. It’s rough to watch, and Hyunwoo can’t help but think there must be more behind what’s wrong with the visual.

He tells Kihyun as much. The lead vocalist agrees something seems off. “You need to talk to him. We should make sure nothing’s going on.” There’s a day that week in which Hyungwon has no schedules until the evening, and Hyunwoo has the afternoon off. Kihyun agrees to keep the two youngest members out of the dorm during that time. Hyunwoo wants a neutral environment to have this conversation in, a place comfortable for both of them. He’s nervous, admittedly, and he can’t keep his eyes off the younger dancer through the week as he tries to come up with a reason for the other’s deteriorating condition. He asks the night before to make sure— _Do you want to have lunch tomorrow? I’ll bring home something_ —and Hyungwon accepts with an exhausted nod (and retires to his bunk right after).

The leader is rather distracted before his lunch meeting with Hyungwon. He’s at vocal practice with Minhyuk, but he’s preoccupied with the inevitable confrontation he’s about to instigate. Minhyuk is obviously frustrated with his lack of focus, but doesn’t say anything. They end up cutting their lesson short, and Hyunwoo decides to pick up some food before going back to the dorm.

He’s still earlier than anticipated, and he ends up walking in on something worse than he’d imagined. He expected to find Hyungwon reading or watching TV, maybe sleeping. Instead, as he steps into the empty dorm, he’s greeted with the sound of violent retching. Hyunwoo immediately investigates, and his heart stops at what he finds. In the bathroom, Hyungwon is on his knees over the toilet with the end of a toothbrush stuck down his throat. His knuckles are white from the strain of gripping the toilet seat so tight, body trembling as he leans down to throw up again. His eyes are red, tears-tracks streaking down his pallid cheeks as he _heaves_. Hyunwoo’s head goes dizzyingly blank as he gazes down at the other; his own stomach churns, hits the floor. “Hyungwon-ah?”

The dark-haired visual jerks back, eyes wide and glassy as he stares up at the older dancer with a stricken expression. The toothbrush clatters to the floor. “Oh,” he whispers, shaking. He collapses back against the wall, curling up with his knees pulled to his chest. “Oh no.”

Hyunwoo can’t think of a better response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the pacing is atrocious (especially the ending, wooow). sorry if it sucks (it's the worst tbh, lol) :/ i might go back and fix it (one day, anyway). i hope to be back in the swing of things next chapter.  
> i might have to put this story on hiatus ;-; i have a lot of stuff going on right now, and regular updates can't be a thing until some of that blows over.  
> also i just wanna say a big thank you to everyone who commented on the joke chapter i posted. i didn't expect so many supportive messages, and they all made me really really happy, so thank you for the wonderful comments on that chapter, as well as every other chapter (and on tumblr and twitter). and thanks for the kudos and bookmarks, and just for reading at all? it still kinda floors me that anyone reads this, honestly. so thank you for the support, lol.  
> let me know your thoughts on this chapter please?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should have been doing my chinese homework, but i wrote this instead :')  
> i'd like some feedback on this chapter, mostly because i'm not sure i'm explaining the thoughts/ideas well in this story :/  
> i can't tell if i like the flow either, oops.

If Hyunwoo feels like the world is crumbling beneath him, Hyungwon feels as though everything is closing in on him and threatening to crush him.

He’s been caught. As he stares up at Hyunwoo with wide eyes, sees the leader’s pained gaze as he recognizes what he’s seeing, he knows it’s all over. No one was supposed to see him like this. Hyungwon was careful about when and where he decided to purge, not wanting to be overheard or walked in on like this. Not even Changkyun had watched him purge. But the dark-haired visual had been tired and upset, and he just wanted it all to go away. He hadn’t considered the other members, just known the dorm was empty and he was taking advantage of it. He’d forgotten about Hyunwoo’s lunch invitation, however, which is how they ended up in this position.

Of course he can’t just make mistakes; no, he has to colossally fuck up everything he’s desperately tried to hide.

Hyunwoo is staring at Hyungwon almost as if he doesn’t recognize the younger vocalist. “What’s going on?” the dancer asks, his voice strained as his eyes continue to scan the scene laid out in front of him. He looks like he might be in shock. Hyungwon watches him warily, searching for some way out of this. Eventually, the older male’s gaze lands squarely on the visual, and the model realizes he needs to think of something quick.

“I d-didn’t feel well,” he stutters clumsily, head pounding painfully. He swallows down the urge to throw up again.

The other doesn’t seem convinced. “You were sticking a toothbrush down your throat,” he points out. “That’s not just getting sick.”

“My stomach hurt,” he mumbles, which isn’t a lie. “I felt nauseous, but couldn’t throw up, so I just…” He makes a strange gesture and shrugs, not really sure how to end that sentence. He’s desperate at this point. Hyunwoo still looks at him disbelievingly. Hyungwon shivers, getting to his feet. “It’s… okay, though. I’ll be okay now.”

There’s a beat of silence before Hyunwoo takes a shaky step towards him. Hyungwon has to fight the full-body flinch that runs down his spine. The leader reaches for the visual, traces a hand over the curve of Hyungwon’s shoulder. His eyes follow the hollow lines of Hyungwon’s face, and the younger can’t meet the other’s intense gaze as his own eyes flit around uselessly before sticking to the floor. After an uncomfortable silence, the older dancer quietly says, “I need you to be honest with me.” The anxiety simmering low in in the model’s gut spikes, but he slowly focuses on Hyunwoo and nods as evenly as he can manage. The leader holds his gaze. “This isn’t the first time this has happened.”

It’s not a question. Shame settles over him like a heavy, suffocating blanket. “It’s okay,” he whispers uselessly.

Hyunwoo gives him a look Hyungwon can only think to describe as sickened. “How long has this been going on?”

Hyungwon feels helpless as he tries to reassure the group’s leader. “I-I’ve only binged one other time—,”

“How long have you been avoiding eating, throwing up after meals—how long have you been destroying yourself?” Hyunwoo rephrases a bit harshly, hands moving from Hyungwon’s shoulders to his face. Hyungwon focuses on that physical sensation, needing something to keep him grounded.

“It’s okay,” he repeats softly, unable to think of anything else to say. His vision is blurring with traitorous tears, but he refuses to let them fall. If he cries now, it’s all over.

Hyunwoo seems to soften as his fingers brush through Hyungwon’s dark hair. “How long?” the older male says again, quieter.

He can’t hold back the admittance as he mumbles, “T-the first time I binged was right after I outed myself.”

The look that flashes across Hyunwoo’s face is so full of heartbreak that it makes Hyungwon physically ache. He’s taken by surprise as the leader pulls him forward against his chest. “Are you that unhappy with yourself?” he questions, voice so soft and sad. Hyungwon’s heart sinks, hating himself for causing the older male such grief.

“I-it’s…” he chokes on his sentence, unable to keep up any guise that he’s okay. He sighs, sinking into the other’s embrace. “I don’t know what else to do,” he mumbles into Hyunwoo’s shoulder. He truly has no idea how he’s supposed to deal with his own emotions, how to help himself. All he knows is he’s so overwhelmed, and purging is the only way he knows how to feel better. He whimpers suddenly, a heavy but dry sob escaping his chest. It feels so _bad_. “Everything just builds up. It all hurts, Hyung, but it feels better when I purge. It’s like… letting go of everything that makes me feel bad.”

“That’s not healthy,” Hyunwoo tells him, as if Hyungwon doesn’t know that already.

“I don’t know how else to let it go.” He’s only giving Hyunwoo ammo to use against him, but somehow he can’t stop. The more Hyunwoo prods him for answers, the less restraint Hyungwon has to keep from blurting out all of his insecurities. He’s always been open with Hyunwoo, and he’s finding it difficult to hold back now. But he still needs Hyunwoo to understand it is okay, that Hyungwon will be okay. He takes a deep breath. “It works, Hyung, it’s okay, so please don’t take it from me.”

“No, it’s not…” Hyunwoo shakes his head, cutting himself off. Burning dread pools within the anxiety churning Hyungwon’s stomach. The older dancer pulls back, enough to see the visual’s face. “Let’s go sit in the living room, okay?” he suggests. Hyungwon nods mutely, allows Hyunwoo to take him by the hand and guide him into the living room (if the older notices Hyungwon’s shaking legs, he doesn’t say anything). The model curls up on the couch while Hyunwoo hangs back. “Are you… will you be okay if I leave you alone for a minute?”

Hyungwon’s eyes dart over to him. “Where are you going?”

“I’ll just be a minute,” he promises. “I’ll make us some tea. Just stay here, alright?” Hyungwon nods again, wary, and silently watches the other leave into the kitchen.

This is truly going to be a mess. How could Hyungwon be so careless? No one was supposed to see him in such a vulnerable state; now Hyunwoo has seen him stripped of all his defenses, unprotected and raw. The visual is scared of what Hyunwoo can do to him now that he knows about the younger’s purging. With the information he’s learned today, the leader can _break_ Hyungwon. Too easily, the older male could ruin Hyungwon’s life. In a moment, with just one conversation, he could rip the dark-haired visual’s career right from his shaky hands. The thought makes him feels a bit hopeless, but Hyungwon knows Hyunwoo isn’t cruel. Contrary, Hyunwoo would do anything to make his group happy. If Hyungwon can convince him that keeping his mouth shut is the best way to keep the model safe, he may have a way to keep Hyunwoo quiet.

The youngest visual sinks into the material of the couch, letting out a slow breath. He needs to calm down in order to think. He’s so tired, though. Purging is always so taxing, but the extra stress of the binging stage and Hyunwoo catching him in the act leaves him even more exhausted than usual. It’s hard to think when he’s so physically and emotionally spent. He doesn’t want to think about this any more than he already has. He’s fucked up so badly; he isn’t sure if he can fix this. The model closes his eyes, feels his head go blank.

It takes Hyunwoo a long time to come back; Hyungwon is already dozing by the time he returns. The leader sets the mugs of tea on the table before carefully sitting Hyungwon up to sit behind the other and lean him back against the older male’s shoulder. “Are you awake?” he asks. Hyungwon offers a quiet noise of acknowledgment, and the older male offers him one of the mugs. Hyungwon accepts it gratefully. Now that he’s had a bit of time to calm down, he realizes how lightheaded and dizzy he is. Sometimes he gets like this after purging, and the tea will hopefully help clear his head a bit.

Neither idol speaks for a few quiet moments, but Hyungwon can feel the apprehension from the other dancer. He waits for Hyunwoo to speak. When he does, it’s not what Hyungwon expects. “You know I care about you.”

The model is taken off guard. “Yeah…?” he mumbles in reply, a bit confused. “I care about you too.”

“Yeah,” Hyunwoo echoes carefully. “This whole group cares about you. We all want you to be happy and healthy, as I’m sure you want the same for us.” His voice is quiet, cautious. Hyungwon goes very, very still as he realizes where this is going. “Hyungwonnie, I want to support you. We can… we can be open about anything, right? I’m not going to judge you.”

“I told you, it’s fine.” Hyungwon tries to brush it off. This isn’t a conversation they need to have.

“It’s obviously not fine,” the older denies. “It’s easy to see you’re hurting. The dorm is so quiet lately, and you spend some much time sleeping; I miss going out with you after schedules.” Hyungwon feels Hyunwoo shifting, turning to face him, and the younger stops him by laying a hand on the other’s knee.

“It’s okay.” Hyungwon says, taking a shaky breath. He’s too anxious for this.

“It’s _not_ ,” he repeats more firmly. “This is going to ruin you, Hyungwon-ah. You’re going to lose strength, and you won’t be able to do your job properly. If you think you’re miserable now, it’s only going to get worse and worse.”

“ _Please_ stop, Hyung,” he begs. “You don’t understand; it’s not what you think. I won’t let this affect our performances, and I can keep up in practice. _Please_ just drop it.” He’s _fine_ , and there’s no need to involve his job in this conversation.

Hyunwoo doesn’t respond to that right away. He doesn’t push any more, letting silence fall over them again. Hyungwon puts his focus on the tea in his hands. He’s almost finished it by the time Hyunwoo speaks again. “We’re going to talk about this tonight—with the others. We’ll have a group meeting when everyone gets home after schedules.”

Hyungwon’s heart plummets. “You can’t do that—Hyunwoo-hyung, the others _can’t_ know. Hoseok and Minhyuk especially can’t—and _god_ , how can I look Jooheon in the eye again if he finds out? Kihyun will hold this over my head for the rest of my life. A-and… Changkyun-ah can’t ever know. I’ve tried so hard to keep it from him, _please_.”

“It’s the only way I know how to help you,” the leader admits. “We can’t keep any more secrets. I can’t keep watching you and the others hurt yourselves over misunderstandings and lies. I’m going to tell them because they need to know—and I’m going to make sure everyone’s voices are clearly heard this time.” Hyunwoo places his hand on top of Hyungwon’s, smoothes his thumb across the younger vocalist’s knuckles. “You know they wouldn’t hurt you over this; I’ll make sure of it. I told you I’d protect you. I want everyone to be happy again. We’ll figure some things out tonight, find out what we need to fix.”

“But what right do they have to know?” Hyungwon argues weakly, knowing he’s fighting a losing battle. “Why should they know? What’s it going to help? It’s—it’s just gonna isolate me even more.” The group hates him anyway; they’re just looking for a reason to get rid of him, he’s sure.

“No, Hyungwon-ah,” the older dancer shakes his head. “Hiding this is what’s isolating you. I had no idea what was going on with you until now. I understand now that this is more than just you being unhappy. The others are just as confused and concerned as I was, and they’ll be able to understand once they find out. We’ll be able to help you—,”

“Help me with what?” Hyungwon sneers, pulling away from the other and standing from the couch to loom over him. He sways a bit, body not prepared for the sudden movement, but scrambles to collect himself. “Don’t—don’t _sit here_ and tell me you _understand_. You don’t know anything, Hyung. You don’t know what I’m going through, why I’m doing this, why I can’t stand to be around this group anymore. _Stop it_ , stop talking to me. I don’t need your fucking pity! Go fix Hoseok and Minhyuk if you’re so concerned—they’re more important anyway, aren’t they?” This isn’t okay, the leader needs to stop pushing him. Hyungwon doesn’t want to get mad, but his defenses are quickly rising.

Hyunwoo looks up at the near-seething boy almost blankly, but Hyungwon can tell it’s only a front this time. He stands then, eye-to-eye with the distressed model in front of him. “Who _ever_ said you’re less important than anyone in this group?” he asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer. “I’m not going to ‘fix’ Hoseok and Minhyuk, not when they aren’t _killing_ themselves like you are. We aren’t brushing this aside. We’re all talking about this tonight, and I won’t go back on that.”

Hyungwon takes a deep breath, tries to push out all of his stress. His chest hurts; it’s so heavy. The more they talk, the less ability he has to breathe. As hard as he tries, he’s becoming unable to hold back the tears brimming in his eyes. He needs to calm down, get ahold of himself, but he’s going to panic if Hyunwoo keeps insisting. “I’m not killing myself,” he argues lamely.

The leader looks at him with those disbelieving eyes again. “Do you want to die, Hyungwon-ah?” he questions, and Hyungwon wants to laugh, but the other’s tone is sincere.

The younger idol feels like he’s being crushed by the oppressive atmosphere. His expressive eyes close as his shoulders slump defeatedly. What is he supposed to say? How is he expected to respond? It’s too overwhelming as he chokes on a whimpering sob. He can’t _cry_. “I-I—,”

His answer is cut off by the sound of the dorm’s front door opening. Hyungwon’s mouth snaps shut with an audible click. He gives Hyunwoo the most pleading gaze he can manage as they listen to the other person moving around the entrance. The leader steps around the visual as the sound of footsteps approaches them. The room seems to freeze as the newcomer joins them, and Hyungwon couldn’t turn around if he tried when he hears the other speak, in the same voice that has brought the dark-haired visual so much pain recently. “Is something going on here?”

Hyungwon shares a look with the leader before Hyunwoo turns to Hoseok. “We were just talking,” he replies. “Hoseok-ah, you should go get ready for practice.”

“Hold on, uh, can I talk to you for a moment, Hyungwon? Please.” Hoseok’s tone is begging, as if he’s truly desperate to speak to the younger idol.

The dark-haired visual tenses. After so much avoidance, what could Hoseok have to say? Why now? “I-I’m sorry—,”

“Please, Hyungwon, I just want to talk.” Hoseok persists, and Hyungwon really shouldn’t do this, but he pulls himself together enough to face the other visual. The blond falters when he sees the younger’s distraught expression. “Hey, are you crying?” He walks closer to the other dancers, and Hyungwon flinches.

“When will you just leave me _alone_?” he snaps, and there’s tears spilling from his eyes now. Hoseok’s eyes are wide, expression taken aback. Hyungwon sighs. “I’m _sorry_ , but I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

Hyunwoo gives Hyungwon a conflicted look. “Hyungwon-ah, maybe you should—,”

“Stop, I don’t want to talk to you either,” the younger interrupts firmly. “I’m going to the studio, I’ll see you at practice.” He starts to brush past Hyunwoo, but the older male grabs him by the arm and holds him in place.

“We aren’t done talking,” he reminds. Hyungwon swallows thickly.

Hoseok glances between the other two dancers, eyebrows pulled together in thought. “What’s going on?” he questions.

“Nothing.” Hyungwon denies as anxiety curls into a tight ball in his stomach, “I have nothing left to say to either of you.”

“Even I know that’s not true,” Hoseok argues. He sighs, “Look, I can’t deal with us acting like we hate each other. We need to work this out for real, okay? We aren’t going to keep running around each other.” Hoseok’s eyes dart unsurely to Hyunwoo, who is watching them intently. The blond focuses back on the other visual. “I talked to Minhyuk. You know he doesn’t want anything to do with me now? He misses you that much.” He stands in front of the other visual, and Hyungwon suppresses another flinch.

He shrugs Hyunwoo’s hand away. “If he cared so much, he should talk to me himself. At least he talks to you.”

“Barely,” Hoseok scoffs. “Honestly, when it comes to him, I can’t compete with you.”

Hyungwon doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean. He shakes his head. This conversation is enough to make him feel sick. “It doesn’t matter, does it? He loves you, you love him—you two should be together, I don’t know why you let me get in the way.”

Hoseok frowns, glancing to Hyunwoo before looking back to Hyungwon. “How can you still not understand? He told you how he feels about you.”

“He told me he loves me.” Hyungwon snaps. “He _always_ tells me he loves me. _You’re_ supposed to tell me you love me too. This whole group is supposed to love each other—that’s how we’re _supposed to be_. Y-you’re one of my closest hyungs, Hoseok. You’re supposed to love me, not hate me. I would… I would _never_ tell my dongsaeng I hate him.” He blinks, swallows hard. That was a sudden outburst of emotion he didn’t expect from himself.

The blond flinches, fists clenching at his sides. There are tears forming in his eyes, and Hyungwon doesn’t think the other deserves to cry. “I’m so, so sorry,” he says with as much sincerity as he can find. “Please let me fix our relationship. I fucked up, and I need to make it up to you.”

Hyungwon looks at him, tense and disbelieving. It’s so hard to find any will to keep trusting Hoseok. “Don’t. I… I can’t fix what happened between us right now. I’m just trying to give you and Minhyuk space to work things out.”

The other studies him, long and hard, and he must not like what he finds as a few tears spill from his eyes. “Hyungwon-ah, please… I’m so sorry.”

“I am too.” The younger idol offers a sad look in return. Almost timidly, he adds, “I love you, Hyung, even if you hate me.” The admittance holds more weight than the blond will ever know.

Hoseok grabs him by his biceps, and Hyungwon is instantly taken to the moment the other had easily overpowered him back in the practice studio. The younger idol realizes he can’t fight the other vocalist; he can’t protect himself from getting hurt again. Even now, he can’t protest when Hoseok tugs him forward, holds the model close against his chest. “I promise I don’t hate you,” he breathes, arms winding around the other. “I love you so much. Please trust me.”

Hyungwon feels like crying again. “You know I can’t,” he whispers almost tonelessly. Hoseok had shattered the trust between them. Hyungwon isn’t ready to accept his promises so easily.

“I’ll earn it back,” Hoseok vows. His arms tighten around the other. “It’ll be okay, I swear. I’m going to fix this. I won’t hurt you again, Hyungwonnie.” He buries his face into the other’s shoulder, and he even has the audacity to choke out a sob.

 _I won’t hurt you; I won’t let anyone hurt you_ —Hyungwon has been made a lot of promises, but no one has kept them. How can he take Hoseok at his word? How can he be expected to believe Hoseok after all the things he’s done? His shifts from nice to cruel are too sudden; it’s enough to give Hyungwon whiplash. Can he trust Hoseok to be kind to him? He can’t have a repeat of the night Hoseok kissed him. If Hoseok is that cruel to him again after all of this, Hyungwon isn’t sure he can continue to work in the same group as the blond, let alone live with him.

This close proximity causes the anxiety to harshly churn Hyungwon’s stomach once more, and he feels nausea threatening to overtake him again. He pushes Hoseok away. “How can I believe anything you say after what you did to me?” he demands, voice cracking. “You promised you’d be there for me, but you keep _hurting_ me. I can’t keep up with how you keep flipping between kind and cruel. So you… you need to decide whether or not we can go back to being friends. And if you really want to be my friend, my hyung, you can’t attack me or hurt me just because you’re _mad_ at something. We’re supposed to support each other, not tear each other down.”

“I know,” Hoseok quickly says, his own voice quiet and shaky. “What I did was wrong, I know, and I won’t do it again— _I swear_.” He has that eager look on his face as he nods vehemently, with tears in his eyes and a nervous, wobbling frown. Hyungwon can’t watch him act like this. Hoseok can’t act like Hyungwon is ruining his life when the younger visual is suffering so much because of the blond idol.

He sighs, feeling a bit defeated. “It’s… it’s time to get ready for practice,” he mumbles, feeling the energy drain from his body as his shoulders slump. Thankfully, the others don’t stop him as he escapes to their shared bedroom.

Hyungwon doesn’t get much time to pull himself back together before they need to leave, only about half an hour. Hyunwoo and Hoseok are still waiting for him in the living room when he emerges from the bedroom. The three dancers walk to the Starship studio together in silence. A tense atmosphere settles between them. Hyungwon can tell Hoseok wants to say something, but he thankfully keeps his mouth shut. Hyungwon is too mentally exhausted to deal with anything else he has to say; he just wants to get through practice so he can sleep. The dancers arrive a few minutes late, the rappers and Kihyun already there. Minhyuk is still missing, though, so Hyungwon doesn’t feel too bad.

He walks over the corner of the room and sits on the floor. Changkyun almost immediately joins him, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with the other idol. “Hey,” he quietly greets. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Hyungwon sighs. “I’m just tired.” He offers a slight smile that he doesn’t feel. Changkyun nods, smiles in return. Hyungwon glances up, catches Kihyun’s gaze. The lead vocalist is looking at him carefully, and the visual feels anxious again.

The group has collectively finished their stretches by the time Minhyuk walks into the studio, the silver-haired idol giving his bandmates a pressed smile in greeting. “Sorry to keep you all waiting,” he apologizes as he quickly dumps his stuff on the floor.

Hyunwoo gives him a long look, slowly nods. “Right let’s get started, then.” After letting Minhyuk stretch quickly, the group gets in place to dance their new routine. Hyungwon is able to follow along alright for a while, but they’re barely halfway through practice when the dizziness starts to take over. He struggles with the choreography he’s not familiar enough with, halfheartedly going through the motions alongside the others. He’s losing any semblance of composure he had, focus drifting to the others’ gazes on him.

But he can’t slip up now, not with Hyunwoo watching him. He _knows_ the leader is just waiting for him to slip up so he has a reason to rat him out. Hoseok’s eyes are on him too, as well as Kihyun’s. They’re waiting for him to mess up, all of them, the whole group. Hyungwon has to prove himself. He has to keep pushing himself until the others are too tired to keep going.

But he’s so tired. The youngest visual has to pause in the middle of a song, hunch over and brace himself on his knees to catch his breath. “Hyungwon-hyung, hey, you really don’t look good.” Jooheon unhelpfully points out, trying to hold the model’s wavering gaze as he pulls his other upright. Everything feels hazy and wrong, but Hyungwon needs this. He needs to get this right, get it perfect. He needs to prove to himself and the others that Hyunwoo is wrong, that he _can_ pull himself together when he needs to. This is the only way to stop his own destruction.

“Maybe we should take a break,” Kihyun suggests.

Hyungwon shakes his head vehemently, which does nothing to help his dizziness nor his growing headache. “Keep going… I can get this. I’ve got this, I swear.” Jooheon’s eyes flit to Hyunwoo’s, and the leader sighs but agrees to start the song again once more before taking a break. Hyungwon’s eyes narrow at him, but the group quickly takes their places in the choreography as the song starts again. This choreography is easier on him than the last few routines they’ve had; he can do it, he can make it. But his body is disconnected from his mind as it moves sluggishly and off the beat. The visual can hardly keep up, barely able to keep track of his place. The others are shuffling around him to accommodate him. Hyungwon feels heavy.

He’s able to manage until the second chorus. He’s supposed move from the edge of the group to the middle by passing in front of Changkyun, but he miscalculates the space between them and brushes against the maknae. The mistakes causes the visual to lost his step and concentration. His mind blacks out, and he can’t remember the next step or where he’s even supposed to be. Unable to handle the stress, Hyungwon’s weak body crumbles to the floor beneath him. He doesn’t hold on to consciousness long enough to register Minhyuk quickly scrambling to catch him, nor does he hear the panicked calls of his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next few chapters are gonna :) hurt lol  
> just a heads up, although i will be on hiatus for this story (likely until my school semester is over), i'm not gonna dump this story. so i'll be back. :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back, finally :')  
>  ~~sorry to make you wait for this omg~~

The days following the older two visuals’ breakup are rough. Thanks to promotions, they didn’t have time to properly deal with their problems and emotions, and it leaves all the pain to fester and spread. _No one_ is happy, and they’re all on thin ice when it comes to any of the visuals. They’re all running on high tension due to how busy they are; something (some _one_ ) is going to give if the visuals keep doing this to themselves.

Hyungwon is taking the brunt of it, and although he had opened up to Changkyun before, it’s as if whatever Minhyuk and Hoseok had said to him after their latest argument had shut the model up again. He doesn’t talk to Changkyun about how he feels anymore, keeps his emotions to himself. Even so, Changkyun keeps Hyungwon as close as he can. He tries to keep the mood around them upbeat, keep anything (any _one_ ) that might aggravate the visual’s fragile state of mind. Hyungwon needs the support, the distraction, and the maknae only wants to help him.

Changkyun is helping—he has to be. It’s what he believes, and it’s what he tells Hyunwoo when their leader asks about the group’s youngest visual. The effort he’s putting in trying to hold Hyungwon together, to get him to move on, it can’t be useless. He tells himself this every time Hyungwon shuts down in front of him. He tricks himself into thinking Hyungwon is getting better, that Changkyun is mending his wounds. He doesn’t realize how worthless his efforts have been until Hyungwon passes out in the middle of practice one evening.

Changkyun watches with wide eyes as the visual collapses beside him. Minhyuk is quick to catch the other in his arms, slowing down the younger idol’s momentum and carefully lowering them both to the floor. Kihyun immediately drops the choreography to join the passed-out vocalist’s side. His hands hover over the dark-haired model for a split second of panic before he eases the younger vocalist into a more comfortable position in the silver-haired visual’s lap. Hyungwon is completely limp in their hands, out cold. It’s disconcerting to see; even in sleep, Hyungwon wasn’t this pliant. Changkyun has never seen his hyung like this. With the long hours they practice and the high tension they work under, it’s not too rare for one of them to collapse during practice—it’s happened to all of them at least once. However, none of them had completely lost consciousness like this.

Hyunwoo is there in the next second, confirming the two visuals aren’t hurt before turning to the others still frozen behind them. “Jooheon-ah, turn the music off,” he instructs. The rapper scrambles to do as he’s told. The sudden silence startles Changkyun enough that he staggers forward, knocking him out of his reverie only enough to hear the other vocalists talking.

“He’s shaking so bad,” Minhyuk hisses, one arm draped over the dark-haired visual’s chest to steady him and his other hand resting on the other’s forehead. His eyes read nothing but concern as he sweeps Hyungwon’s sweat-matted bangs out of his face.

“He’s exhausted himself,” Kihyun replies coolly. He looks to Hyunwoo. “Did you ask him—?”

The leader nods grimly, cutting the other off. “It’s bad—today was really bad.” Kihyun’s face falls, but only for a moment before his expression hardens and he requests for someone to bring him his bag and a damp towel. Jooheon goes to retrieve them as he realizes no else both can and will move. Hyunwoo quietly watches him before standing as well. “Take care of him while I go get a manager,” he says, only leaving when Kihyun gives a firm nod in response.

Meanwhile, Hoseok looks like he still hasn’t regained his bearings. “H-he didn’t… he wasn’t…” Hoseok swallows nervously, watching from only a step or two behind Kihyun. His eyes are wide with the same fear Changkyun feels. The blond’s voice is small as he weakly says, “He wasn’t like this earlier—he was fine.”

“If you believe that, then you must be blind—blind, or too centered on yourself.” Kihyun bites back with little sympathy. He doesn’t give the other much attention, preoccupied with ensuring the dark-haired visual is comfortable.

“I didn’t do anything!” Hoseok cries, swinging his fist down like a petulant child. That’s all Changkyun can see him as now: Hoseok is a brat who throws fits when he doesn’t get what he wants—especially when it comes to Hyungwon. He’s always threatened by the younger visual, and apparently this whole mess is no different. Although it used to take harsh words and cruel actions for Hoseok to break down Hyungwon’s walls, the model could always destroy the blond dancer’s confidence with nothing more than a glance in the other direction. The difference between them, in this case, is that Hyungwon doesn’t ever mean harm, but lately Hoseok has done too much to purposefully tear the other down.

Kihyun looks at Hoseok in disbelief. “You don’t get it, do you?” he says, annoyed. “If you’re going to be so ignorant, I suggest you keep quiet.” Stunned, Hoseok can only stare open-mouthed at the other vocalist. Even Minhyuk grimaces at that, but all of their attention is directed back at the youngest visual as a quiet whine slips from his lips. Kihyun’s hands gently pat the dark-haired male’s flushed cheeks in an attempt to further rouse him. “Hyungwon-ah, can you hear me?” he calls, tone soft. Hyungwon’s eyelashes flutter weakly, hazy brown eyes half-lidded as he breathes out a longer sigh.

Jooheon pours cool water on the towel he’d retrieved, presses it to Hyungwon’s forehead. Minhyuk takes the cloth from him, gently wipes the sheen of sweat from the younger’s face. The silver-haired visual begins to pet his face and coo soft reassurances to him. Changkyun feels contempt for the older vocalist in that moment; he shouldn’t have the right to comfort Hyungwon so easily after what he’s done to hurt him. Although it’s true he didn’t actively hurt him like Hoseok, the way Minhyuk had been ignoring him and pretending their problems don’t exist hasn’t helped either of them at all. At least Hoseok is clearly torn apart by what he’s done, at least he sees where he’s made mistakes (for the most part). Minhyuk doesn’t deserve Hyungwon—he probably doesn’t even deserve Hoseok at this point.

But there he is, curled around the lanky idol and murmuring to him like he hadn’t been entirely avoiding him until just now. Changkyun grimaces with disgust. Finally, he’s able to move from where he’d been rooted to the floor, stumbling to Hyungwon’s side. He bows his head to be face-to-face with the dark-haired visual, trying to catch his gaze. He wants to block Minhyuk and Hoseok out, offer back the comfort they’d taken from the model. Hyungwon focuses on him, head tilting to the side against Minhyuk’s chest. His eyes are clouded with exhaustion. Changkyun offers a gentle, although strained smile. “It’s gonna be okay, Hyung.” The rapper reaches forward, taking the other’s hand in his own.

Hyungwon doesn’t seem like he’s fully aware, even as his gaze follows their interlaced fingers. A tired, questioning, “Kyun-ah…?” falls from his lips as he does his best to drag his eyes up to Changkyun’s face. He ultimately fails, though, as his paled eyelids flutter and fall shut again.

“Poor thing, so exhausted,” Minhyuk coos, and it strikes the rapper as such an oddly condescending remark—he can’t tell if it was meant to be taken that way, or if he’s just imagining it. Taken aback, the maknae only watches as Minhyuk quietly fusses over the vocalist in his arms.

The practice room door swings open. One of their managers, Jinwoo, walks into the room, with Hyunwoo ducking around him to return to Hyungwon’s side. The manager’s eyes sweep over the scene, lips pressed into a grim line. “Hyunwoo told me what happened,” he says. “Has Hyungwon woken up?”

Minhyuk nods, fingers brushing through Hyungwon’s sweat-matted bangs. “He woke up for a second, seemed kinda aware. He recognized Changkyun, at least.” A momentary frown flits across his expression as his eyes dart to the maknae’s, but he doesn’t hold the rapper’s gaze for long. “I think he’s mostly just exhausted.”

“We’re gonna have him checked out at the hospital just to be sure,” Jinwoo says. “Hyunwoo is going with us. I’d like the rest of you to pack up and go back to the dorm.”

Changkyun blinks hard. “You’re joking,” he deadpans, imploringly searching for any hint that the older male isn’t seriously telling them to leave Hyungwon like this. He doesn’t find one.

Hyunwoo hardly spares them a glance as he reaches over and lifts the youngest visual into his own arms away from Minhyuk. The shorter male blinks, confused, and starts to protest. The leader cuts him off, “Don’t argue right now. I don’t ask for a lot, but I need you to do what Jinwoo-hyung says, alright?” He gives them all a pointed look, eyes pleading with them to understand. Changkyun wants to protest, make it known he’s fighting for the visual and not intending to just let him go. However, Kihyun grabs Changkyun’s wrist and holds the begrudging maknae in place as Hyunwoo carries Hyungwon’s prone form out of the practice room. The rapper bites his tongue as the door closes behind them.

He doesn’t bother to shake Kihyun’s hand off of him, waiting for the other to remove it himself. He lets out a frustrated huff. “I don’t understand why we can’t stay with him,” he mumbles, more to himself than anyone else, but Kihyun only looks at him critically, gaze unsettlingly calculative as the rapper looks at him.

“Did you know?” he murmurs, voice low and almost accusing. Changkyun is taken off guard. _Know what_? The lead vocalist doesn’t press when the youngest doesn’t respond, instead gives the others a onceover before directing them all out of the studio.

No one says anything the entire way back. Even once they reach the dorm, the entire group stays silent. Minhyuk, curled around Jooheon’s back, seems the least affected. He’s calm and neutral, even as the older rapper’s mouth presses into a thin, anxious line and stays tense for the entire way back. Even Hoseok looks incredibly anxious. He makes a beeline for his bedroom when they walk in the dorm, but he doesn’t get far.

“No,” Kihyun says firmly, grabbing Hoseok’s wrist to prevent him from walking off. He leads the group of them into the living room, where they all stand clumped together. The brunet gives them all a pressed look. “We’re all staying together until Hyung comes back.”

“You mean both Hyunwoo and Hyungwon hyungs,” Changkyun corrects. Hyunwoo can’t come home without Hyungwon; the visual can’t need to spend more than a few hours at the hospital. He’s fine, just overworked and stressed. He’ll be back soon, and Changkyun will work harder to make him happy.

The lead vocalist passes the maknae a calculative look. “You’re as aware as I am that no one can guarantee Hyungwon won’t need to stay at the hospital. It all depends on what Starship wants.” The words make Changkyun’s blood run cold; he forgot to consider the company’s reaction. Will they take well to his poor mental health, or will they cast him off as other artists have been dismissed?

Changkyun doesn’t realize he’s in the beginnings of his own anxiety attack until Jooheon breaks from Minhyuk to sling his arm around the other rapper’s shoulders. “It’ll be okay,” he promises, having regained his composure. The hyung-like attitude he always carries returns, and Changkyun finds himself leaning back into the reassuring touch. “Hyunwoo-hyung will take care of him. And when he gets back, we’ll _all_ be there to support him.” He gives Hoseok and Minhyuk a meaningful look.

Hoseok takes a deep breath, nods slowly. “Yeah, o-of course.”

Kihyun sighs. “It’ll be alright. We can help him now that we know.”

He keeps saying stuff like that, cryptic remarks they don’t understand. “Know what?” Changkyun finds himself mumbling, eyes tracking the movement of Minhyuk’s hands as he raises them to cross his arms. The silver-haired visual is acting so grossly unaffected. Changkyun knows the other is good at putting on a mask, but surely he should let it drop when they’re all so worried about the model he claims to love.

The maknae startles out of his reverie when he realizes no one has spoken, and he glances at Kihyun. The lead vocalist pins him with another strangely-suspicious look. “You’re closest with him now, aren’t you? You should be telling us.”

It feels like a direct jab, as if Kihyun is mocking him or something (not that Changkyun can fathom why). He frowns. “He’s… struggling. He isn’t in a good place, emotionally. He’s trying to cope—,”

“But why is he struggling?” Kihyun presses further. “What is he doing to cope?”

Now the rapper feels defensive. “It’s not my place to talk about Hyungwon-hyung’s personal business—,”

“Do _not_ give me that, Changkyun,” the brunet interrupts. “We live together, we’re each other’s second family. I don’t want to hear about how Hyungwon _killing himself_ over whatever is going on with the visual line _isn’t my business_.” He takes a deep breath, pushing his fingers through his hair.

That’s the remark that breaks Hoseok. The blond lets out a mournful whimper, stumbles back against the couch. Similarly, Minhyuk’s head jerks up in alarm. “Don’t say that,” he says, likely trying to sound firm but instead comes off as pleading. “Hyungwonnie isn’t—he isn’t—,” He fumbles with something to counter Kihyun’s harsh words. “He’s not dying! He’s not that bad off—it’s just tiresome. He’s exhausted; we all are. He just pushed himself too hard out of stress.”

“He’s hurting himself,” Changkyun whispers, barely audible even to himself. It’s still enough to get Minhyuk to shut up, however. The maknae lowers his head. “He barely eats anymore, and that leaves him too exhausted to do much else. That night he ran off, he was in so much pain; I’m surprised he didn’t do something more drastic than what he did. That argument with Hoseok and Minhyuk broke him. He thinks he’s what’s wrong with the group, and that he’s just a waste of space here.”

Finally, Minhyuk’s mask is discarded, the taller male looking at the maknae with open shock and heartbreak. A high sob bursts from Hoseok’s chest, heartbroken and terrified, and the oldest visual trembles as he collapses to his knees against the floor. “I told him it wasn’t true—I told him I d-didn’t mean what I said,” he mumbles, expression trembling.

Changkyun doesn’t react to that, already knowing what hurtful words Hoseok had thrown at Hyungwon. But Minhyuk is taken off-guard, eyes wide and hurt as he glances between the members. His lips press together in a thin line, trembling as he considers this information. “This is too much,” he mumbles.

“No shit,” Changkyun scoffs. Jooheon shoots him a look, but no one else reacts to the strong language. Still on the floor, Hoseok curls into himself, miserably hiding his face in his knees. Kihyun simply gestures for them all to get comfortable in the small space. He and Minhyuk sit on opposite sides of the couch, and Jooheon pulls the maknae along to sit beside him between the two vocalists.

“We can’t change anything that happened in the past,” Kihyun starts. “We also can’t prove anyone here is… in any way at fault for what’s going on. But this isn’t about us. We need to put aside whatever hard feelings or grudges we’re harboring and make sure he’s okay. As a group, we need to make sure everyone is comfortable, and offer support if someone is struggling. If one of us sinks, we’ll all go down with him.” He looks at Minhyuk and Hoseok meaningfully, although neither return his gaze. The lead vocalist sighs, turns on the TV and tells them to wait as he goes to get them all drinks from the kitchen. When he returns, there’s nothing left to do but order takeout for later and wait.

The sun has completely set by the time Hyunwoo returns to the dorm. He walks in with Jooheon, who had gone downstairs to pick up the food. Changkyun’s heart sinks when he doesn’t see Hyungwon with them. Kihyun and Minhyuk immediately join them in the kitchen, the latter rubbing at his eyes as he stands. Changkyun trails back only enough to momentarily observe Hoseok’s slumped form. He hasn’t moved since he’d originally curled up in that position. The maknae soon leaves him, makes his own way to the group and settles at the edge.

Their leader looks worn out at he helps Jooheon with the food. Minhyuk hovers closely, stumbling through question after question concerning their missing friend. Hyunwoo turns towards him, sighing sharply. “Can we eat before we talk, please?” The visual blinks hard, nods slowly before withdrawing. Hyunwoo’s expression softens, and he apologizes as he reaches over to squeeze Minhyuk’s hand. The younger male offers a weak upturn of his lips that isn’t quite a smile.

They set up in the living room again, Hyunwoo carrying an extra plate for Hoseok. The visual initially refuses it, but Hyunwoo insists enough that the younger male gives in. They eat in silence for a little while, although no one really has an appetite. Changkyun feels anxiety simmering in his gut again, growing worse and worse as he waits for Hyunwoo to speak again. Their leader is quiet for a long time, although unrelaxed as he sits between Kihyun and Jooheon. He can see Hyunwoo is obviously stressed and tired, but Changkyun won’t be able to settle his own nerves until he knows what happened to Hyungwon.

He can’t stand to wait anymore. “Hyung,” he forces out, voice strained as he tries to keep his tone even.

Hyunwoo closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before turning to face Changkyun. The maknae tries to keep his expression pleading, pushing away the frustration and fear twisting his stomach. Hyunwoo nods. “Okay, yeah, we need to talk.”

Kihyun turns off the TV as the rest of the group faces Hyunwoo. The older dancer runs his hand down his face, taking another moment to compose himself. “Hyungwon’s been diagnosed with an eating disorder,” he says in an exhale. “He’s been, uh, skipping meals, and purging when he does eat. It’s… his way of coping with his anxiety.”

Changkyun feels his heart hit the floor. He’d known Hyungwon was having a hard time and not eating properly, but he didn’t know it was _that bad_. He didn’t know Hyungwon was hiding something like that from him. He feels guilty that he hadn’t figured out the Hyungwon’s mental state had become so damaged that he felt the need to hurt himself to find relief. Wasn’t Changkyun supposed to be helping him? How could he not know just how serious the situation is?

On the other side of their leader, Kihyun’s expression falls, but he doesn’t look surprised. Instead, the lead vocalist nods. “So it’s worse than you thought.”

Changkyun blinks wide eyes at their leader. “You knew?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “I only guessed. I didn’t think it had escalated so much. Earlier, I walked in on him in the middle of a… purge.” Beside him, Jooheon shudders, and he reaches over to squeeze Hyunwoo’s hand.

A pained keening noise leaves Hoseok’s throat, and Changkyun looks back to see the blond staring at Hyunwoo with wide, distraught eyes. “Is that what you were talking about when I walked in?” Hyunwoo nods silently, and Hoseok looks as though he’d been punched in the gut.

“Oh my god,” Minhyuk mumbles, in utter disbelief. “Is he… did he…”

“He’s getting treatment right now. Some of the managers are staying with him since they couldn’t get ahold of his parents. The doctors were discussing treatment plans with them.” The older vocalist reports, interrupting the other. “It sounds like the managers want to keep him in the hospital for at least a couple days, but it also sounds like they don’t want to pull him from schedules either.”

Kihyun grimaces. “Did the doctors say anything about that?”

Hyunwoo shrugs. “I was with Hyungwon when the managers talked to the doctors. Whatever they said, Jinwoo-hyung didn’t tell me.”

“How’s Hyungwon holding up?” Jooheon asks quietly.

“Obviously he’s not happy,” their leader answers. “He’s pretty convinced we’re all going to turn our backs on him because of this. He didn’t really want to talk to me.”

“He can’t really think that,” Minhyuk tries to reason. “We’ve supported each other through everything—every controversy and injury. This isn’t any different. He should know we love him too much to—,”

“No,” Changkyun interrupts with a glare. “You don’t have his back. Don’t you dare say you love him. Don’t _lie_. If you really love him, you would have never let this happen. He’s only doing this because of how you and Hoseok have been treating him!”

Minhyuk blinks, taken completely off guard. “E-excuse me?”

“You’re the one who did this!” Changkyun accuses. “You and Hoseok hurt Hyungwon-hyung, and even though I tried so h-hard, I couldn’t help him.” Utter, heartbreaking shame and hurt blooms across his expression as he’s unable to hold back his emotions. He can’t do anything to help, because it isn’t his support that Hyungwon needs. He needs the other visuals’. Maybe that’s why Changkyun can’t stand to listen to Minhyuk spew such obvious bullshit. “You—do you two not even care about him anymore?”

“Of course we care,” Hoseok snaps suddenly. “ _I_ care a lot. But something changed, and he won’t even… he _hates_ me.”

“That’s a symptom of eating disorders,” Kihyun murmurs. “Social isolation, that is.” The statement seems to sober the eldest visual.

Minhyuk bites his own lower lip, eyes shifting guiltily to the floor. “We should have done something,” he admits. “It was so obvious he was hurting, but I just… I thought it would sort itself out. I was wrong, and the situation got worse than it ever should have. But Changkyun-ah, you should have said something too.” The maknae clenches his fists, gaze flitting away from the visual.

Hyunwoo leans his head back against the couch, eyes closed. “We all should have noticed something was wrong,” he mumbles. “I could tell he wasn’t doing well. But I-I trusted him to tell me…” Hyunwoo’s chest heaves with a heavy sigh. He’s tense, his regret almost tangible. Kihyun brushes his hands over the dancer’s arm in an attempt to comfort him. “I should have pressed him sooner. I just…” His eyes open, and he tilts his head done to look Changkyun squarely in the face. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His tone isn’t accusatory or angry, just imploring and sad.

Changkyun flinches. “He… Hyungwon told me not to tell anyone, and I… I was…” He scrambles for a response, but eventually settles on ashamedly admitting in a soft whisper, “I was selfish.”

“Selfish?” Jooheon echoes distantly.

The younger rapper nods. “I wanted him to trust me. I saw how distant he was becoming towards the hyungs, and I wanted to fill that spot. I-I wanted him to _need_ me.”

Something in Kihyun’s expression twists unpleasantly. “That’s not… That doesn’t sound healthy, Changkyun-ah.”

“No—I didn’t mean it like that!” the brunet denies. “I just… I didn’t want to be expendable anymore; I wanted to be useful to him. He doesn’t like to talk about how he feels, and I wanted him to know I could be trusted.” He looks up at the two visuals, angry tears brimming in his eyes. “Do you even _know_ what it’s like to give so much to someone—so much time and attention—only for them to continuously push you aside to chase after someone you know will never love them back? Hyungwon is so hopelessly in love with you both that he’s hurting himself just to stop _thinking_ about you!”

“Changkyun-ah, stop.” Kihyun says, the words coming out as more of a plea than a reprimand. “That’s not something you should be blurting out right now.”

“I don’t care anymore!” Changkyun cries out. “All these secrets are going to destroy us! I’m so—so _sick_ of watching all of this, of watching Hyungwon-hyung slowly _die_ in front of me while Hoseok and Minhyuk act like he’s not even there. It’s not _worth it_ anymore, s-so I should just get it all out. Who gives a fuck if he ends up hating me or not? At least he’ll be _alive_.” The rapper chokes up, and tears begin rapidly spilling down his face. Jooheon wraps his arms around Changkyun’s shoulders, pulls him close. The maknae struggles not to cry into the soft material of the other’s thin t-shirt. “I just want to see him happy again.”

Minhyuk’s countenance has gone pale, the mood-maker stunned into silence. They can all see the cogs quickly turning in his mind, working in overdrive as he desperately works to process all of this information. He takes a deep breath, whimpering in distress. “I didn’t know,” he whispers. “I didn’t know he was feeling like this, that I’d pushed him so far away. I just… I don’t know how to help him now.”

With just those words, Changkyun feels all of his emotions flood from his body. Suddenly he’s not angry anymore, just… mournful. He grips the back of Jooheon’s t-shirt tightly, takes a deep breath. He lifts his head only as much as he dares to as he addresses the silver-haired visual. “Please stop hurting him,” he whispers. The visual himself tenses at his words, but Changkyun isn’t done. “Please stop making him feel so unwelcome and unwanted. He lives here too; he shouldn’t be made to feel so alone in his own home. Not with us—we’re basically family, Hyung. _Please_ , Hyungwon needs you to talk to him and work out all these misunderstandings. Just give him some closure, or something.”

“Changkyun-ah is right,” Hyunwoo says. “It won’t completely heal him, but talking though what’s been going on will help him start the process of moving on.”

“We need to reassure him that we’re here to help him, instead of him finding unhealthy ways to deal with his stress and anxiety.” Kihyun amends.

Hoseok slowly unfolds himself from his curled position seated on the floor, expression blank as he exhales slowly. “You’re right. I made a lot of stupid mistakes, and it’s obviously taken a large toll on the people I should have been supporting. It’s… it’s time to take responsibility.” He gives Minhyuk a meaningful look, to which the silver-haired visual nods in silent agreement.

“First, though,” Jooheon speaks up, “I think you guys should fill us in on everything that’s happened. Because at this point, I’m pretty confused.”

Changkyun huffs out a wry laugh. It’s going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the turning point? obviously it's not that easy tho.  
>  ~~i'm sorry barely anything really happened :/~~  
>  also if you'd like to read more ot3s and angst (because that's all i'm decent at writing, apparently), i posted a new story for showhyungwonho (it's not as depressing and dark as this one tho). and updates are going to be split with that one :/


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does this chapter have a purpose? i really don't know ;-;  
> sorry this is late (again), dealing with stuff rn :/

They’re kept relatively in the dark concerning Hyungwon’s condition while the model is in the hospital. It’s unsettling. Hoseok can’t relax with just the insufficient updates from the managers. He wants to see Hyungwon, but apparently Hyungwon doesn’t want to see them. The company keeps them busy with comeback preparations anyway, so it’s not like they have much time to stop by the hospital anyway. Hyunwoo fights to get more information, but the staff is adamant about keeping things quiet. They don’t want to risk news concerning Hyungwon’s condition being leaked (apparently the group themselves can’t be trusted).

It doesn’t do anything to help lighten the atmosphere around the dorm. If there’s one thing that hurts group morale worse than a member falling into a depressive episode, it’s said member consequently being hospitalized for _days_ without the others being given any indication on _why_ . It’s worrying that Hyungwon has been away for so long. The only times they’ve ever been hospitalized for so long at one time was when they’d suffered injuries on the more serious side. But Hyungwon can’t be that bad off. Hoseok would have noticed—he _would_. It would be too obvious for him _not_ to notice. _Right_?

There’s not a lot Hoseok can do without being reminded of Hyungwon in one way or another. They continue to practice in the room Hyungwon collapsed in, and it recalls the scene to the blond’s mind every time he first enters it. Eyeing the billiards place across the street from their dorm brings back fond memories that leave him with a bittersweet feeling. The dancers’ shared bedroom is the worst, though. Seeing the empty bunk above Hyunwoo’s bed leaves a painfully hollow feeling in Hoseok’s chest. It looks especially bare after one of the managers cared enough to bring some of Hyungwon’s things to him at the hospital to make him more comfortable. It’s a sweet sentiment, but Hoseok misses seeing the visual’s most beloved turtle plushie hanging from between the bunk’s slats—the lack of Hyungwon’s presence around even his own bed space makes it feel like maybe he won’t come home. Maybe it’s self-centered to think this way, but thinking about anything less inconsequential will drive Hoseok over the edge. He needs to distract himself from the real cause of his current anxiety.

The conversations Hoseok has had with the other members—Hyungwon and Changkyun, specifically—has really opened his eyes to what’s been going on around him. He’s finally starting to see more than just his own point of view. He’s recognizing Hyungwon’s side of this mess, and it makes him realize what a complete asshole he’s been. Hoseok has been completely unaccommodating to Hyungwon during this stressful and difficult time for the other—he hasn’t considered Hyungwon’s feelings as he let himself get wrapped up in his own. He’s remorseful.

The others aren’t much better. Hyunwoo’s trying incredibly hard to gain some control over the situation, but he’s as helpless as the rest of them. Kihyun tries to help, but there’s only so much he can do to reassure their leader. Changkyun is near inconsolable, and even Jooheon can’t do anything to pull him back on his feet. The two older dancers and Kihyun spend their free time researching eating disorders and how best to approach someone recovering from one. The company wasn’t being especially helpful in giving them the information they needed, preferring to keep them busy with preparations and practices, so they looked for it in their down time. It helps ease the anxiety a bit, makes Hoseok feel more prepared to face Hyungwon again. Even so—he’s still a nervous wreck. How does he face someone he’d broken? Does he even have the right to try?

As much as he hates to admit it, Hoseok acknowledges Hyungwon’s absence isn’t entirely negative, however.

Contrast to the days leading up to the youngest visual’s hospitalization, Minhyuk sticks to Hoseok’s side like glue. He’s nervous and quiet, clinging to the blond visual. Gone is his act of pretending everything is okay; he’s realized the full gravity of the situation. Now that he’s finally seeing the situation for what it is, it’s changed his behavior towards Hoseok as well. As he sticks by Hoseok’s side, he makes sure the blond is taking care of himself, keeps him from letting the guilt consume him. Minhyuk watches over Hoseok—as they both should have for Hyungwon. It doesn’t feel as reassuring as it had when the two of them were together. Instead it just feels like Minhyuk is using him to cope with his own guilt.

Not that Hoseok really minds—it’s better to have Minhyuk by his side in this way than to be entirely without him.

Aside from when he’s keeping close tabs on the other members’ health, the silver-haired visual doesn’t talk much outside of polite greetings and short answers to direct questions. One night, though, he silently snuck into Hoseok’s bed and curled around the blond’s body as his own shook with sobs. Hoseok had feigned sleep as Minhyuk sniveled through messy apologies whispered into the other’s broad back. They weren’t meant for Hoseok, of course, but apparently he was the best alternative to the person Minhyuk needed. But after the dancer finally decided to roll over and properly comfort the other, the silver-haired visual begged for his forgiveness as well. Hoseok feels undeserving of the apologies because he knows he fucked up too, but he accepted Minhyuk’s and gave his own. He’s not sure he even deserves to be forgiven for what he’d done (but he hopes Minhyuk and Hyungwon will forgive him, learn to trust him again).

Hyungwon deserves more than an apology after all this hurt. Hoseok doesn’t know what else he should offer, though. He can only think of one thing Hyungwon could want, but the blond dancer isn’t sure he can provide. Changkyun had said Hyungwon was in love with the older two visuals, although Hoseok isn’t sure he can trust that information. The maknae had been so angry, wanted to hurt the visuals with his accusations; can Hoseok trust the things he’d admitted? Maybe he just wanted to guilt trip the older members.

Deep down, Hoseok knows he’s only doubting Changkyun in order to keep himself from going insane with guilt. If Hyungwon’s really been hurting himself because he has such intense feelings for the other visuals, that makes all of it Hoseok’s and Minhyuk’s fault. All of Hoseok’s recent actions—his shitty behavior from the last few months—holds much more weight than it had before Hyungwon had been hospitalized. Now Hoseok can imagine just how he’d made Hyungwon feel: rejected, insignificant, _unloved_ . One of the people he loves said he’s a waste of space. One of the people he loves apparently hates him. It’s awful; _Hoseok_ is awful.

The blond tries to imagine himself in the other’s shoes, twists it so it’s Minhyuk doing the same things the older vocalist had done to Hyungwon. It would have destroyed him as well. In fact, he might have broken into more fragments than Hyungwon already has. But what can he do? How can he put the shards of their relationship back together? Is it even possible?

_Of course it is_ , Hoseok reasons with himself. _It has to be_.

Long fingers pull hesitantly on the dancer’s sleeve, startling him out of his reverie. Hoseok looks up, sees wide, imploring eyes peering up at him urgently. “Minhyukkie,” the blond greets, trying to offer a smile. It falls short, but Minhyuk doesn’t seem to care.

“Jinwoo said Hyungwon is coming home tomorrow,” he informs quietly. Hoseok nods. It’s relieving to know he’ll be back home with them soon. They hadn’t been able to even see him since Hyunwoo had gotten home from the hospital that first night, and Hoseok knows none of his worries will be allayed until Hyungwon returns. But even as he’s ready to voice his optimistic thoughts, Minhyuk still frowns. “We should… talk about what Changkyunnie said.”

They’d never addressed it. It left both of them too guilt-ridden to even think about. But Minhyuk is right. They can’t come up with how best to handle Hyungwon’s apparent feelings if they don’t discuss it. “You’re right. We should talk before we see him.” Minhyuk nods, pulling on Hoseok’s sleeve to pull him into the younger’s shared bedroom.

“How do you feel about Hyungwon?” Minhyuk asks uncomfortably, jumping right to the chase.

Hoseok considers it. He’d been asking himself the same question a lot since Hyungwon was hospitalized (in reality, he’d been wondering about it for much longer than that, but the thought has never been so prominent nor important). He still hasn’t found an adequate answer, his mind working itself in circles over and over. He’s gone back and forth on his feelings, and he still doesn’t know where to settle. He can’t figure out how to honestly answer the question.

As if sensing his thoughts, Minhyuk backpedals. “How do you feel about me?”

“Of course I still have feelings for you,” Hoseok quickly says. He knows he still loves Minhyuk. It’s part of the reason he’s so confused over Hyungwon. He sighs. “I miss you. I miss us. And that should make me want to let go of Hyungwon-ah, shouldn’t it? It should make me upset that you love him. But… I don’t know if that’s the reason I’m so torn apart.”

Minhyuk nods quickly, clearly processing the admittance. “So you… You don’t have feelings for Hyungwon, but you still love me?”

“I…” Hoseok has to pause, to think. He has to be honest, transparent. But he can’t sort through his own thoughts. Is he jealous? Is he afraid of being replaced? Hoseok knows he’s emotional and can sometimes overreact, but is jealousy really what pushed him to go to these lengths? Why did Hoseok push Hyungwon to his breaking point? _Why did he hurt him_? “I don’t think I can say I don’t have feelings for him.”

“Then what do we do?” Minhyuk asks meekly.

“What do you want to do?” Hoseok counters.

The younger visual pins the other with a defeated look. “I don’t know what to say that won’t upset you.”

Hoseok’s blood runs cold. He doesn’t know what that implies, and his mind is jumping to the worst case scenarios. All he knows is that he’s tired of them walking around their issues. “I want to know what you’re thinking.” They keep silent out of fear of hurting each other, but it’s just hurting them all more. They need to put aside their pain and speak their minds.

Minhyuk purses his lips, nodding again. “I just,” he takes a deep breath, gaze dropping shamefully to the floor. His voice is small as he plainly admits, “I want to have you both.”

It’s not an unexpected response, but the blond still feels relief flood his system. He’s not being pushed out. (He doesn’t consider the fact that he’s not even a little annoyed Minhyuk wants more than just Hoseok.) “I figured as much,” he tells Minhyuk, who shrinks away. “It doesn’t upset me. I just… can’t say I feel the same.”

“Have you only been trying to hurt him this whole time, then?” the younger asks. “You said you might have feelings for him. What were you thinking when you kissed him?”

“I wasn’t,” he says forcefully in reply, but quickly works to compose himself. He has no room to get hotheaded over this. He’d instigated it, and he’d made plenty of mistakes. He takes another breath to steady himself. “I wasn’t thinking. It happened, and it shouldn’t have, and I immediately regretted hurting him like that.”

“But why did you kiss him? If you wanted to hurt him, why not hit him like you said you did?” Minhyuk presses. His eyes are intent, unwilling to let go of this. “The whole situation doesn’t really make sense in the first place, does it?”

“I-I wanted to take something from him,” he says, verbalizing a jumble of thoughts he’d been unwilling to unravel himself. “Or… I wanted him to give me something? I don’t… I don’t really know. It felt like he’d taken something from me, and even that you had too. Like… Before we confronted each other in that way, it felt like I was being pushed out. It felt like you were choosing him over me. Seeing both of you together, acting like a couple even if you never were—it hurt me, somehow. It wasn’t like I was mad or wanted either of you out of the picture, I just… felt like I didn’t belong there. I _couldn’t_ belong. It hurt, and I lashed out. And I shouldn’t have kissed him, not after all the awful things I said, but I guess… I guess at the time, that’s what I wanted from him.”

Minhyuk’s eyes go wide, but Hoseok can’t look at him out of utter shame. He knows he shouldn’t have laid a hand on the other dancer, should have left Hyungwon alone instead of getting mad. But instead he’d let his unreasonable side win, and he took much more than Hyungwon was willing to give him. Hoseok’s actions from that night scares even _himself_. It was a damaging moment of frustration, and he’s certain he hasn’t seen the full extent of it yet.

Tentative fingers tangle with Hoseok’s own as Minhyuk squeezes the blond’s hand. The dancer looks up at the other through his bangs. Minhyuk takes a halting breath, not smiling nor frowning. “It’s true, what you did was bad. But I don’t think Hyungwonnie won’t forgive you, especially if we both step up to help him now. He never wanted to hurt you or take me away from you. I’m sorry you felt unwanted, but that’s not what I intended. Really, I just wanted us all back together. It was my fault you fell behind in that situation, even if I was trying to hold onto the three of us. I’m sorry. You should have taken this out on me instead of him.”

“I should have just talked to you,” Hoseok amends. “It’s just… so out of hand.”

The younger visual nods slowly, reassuring. “We can fix it.”

Hoseok believes they can help Hyungwon get back on his feet, as well as fix their relationship. There’s still one thing he is uncertain about. “What are we going to do about his feelings for us?”

The two visuals share a long look. Minhyuk’s expression is conflicted, and in the end all he says is, “We’ll have to see what Hyungwonnie wants. We can’t make a decision until we know what he wants.” Hoseok can agree with that. Minhyuk offers a small smile. “I love you, Hoseokkie.”

“I love you too.” Hoseok says easily. He tugs Minhyuk forward, into his arms, and it feels so relieving. There’s still a sense of yearning, a need for something a little more. “Minhyuk-ah, can I…?”

Minhyuk hums, turning his head to press a chaste kiss to the blond’s cheek. “We’ll get back there,” he promises.

They pull away as they hear the bedroom door open slowly. Jooheon pokes his head into the room. “Oh good, you’re both here. Hyunwoo-hyung wants to talk to you. He’s in the other bedroom.”

Hoseok swallows thickly. He’d expected this, although he didn’t want to go through with it. But even Hyunwoo doesn’t trust him right now, and they all need to make sure they’re on the same page before they can all properly support anyone’s recovery. “Okay,” he nods, offers the younger visual his hand again (it’s to steady himself as much as it is to reassure Minhyuk). “Let’s go.” The silver-haired vocalist silently intertwines their fingers and squeezes tightly before leading him and Jooheon towards the bedroom the three main dancers share.

Hyunwoo is waiting for them with Kihyun and Changkyun, the latter of whom is sulking annoyedly as he leans against the bunk bed’s ladder. He hardly glances up as the two visuals join them, but Hyunwoo offers a slight smile. “I’m sure Minhyuk-ah gave you the news,” he addresses Hoseok.

“Yeah,” the blond nods, giving his own smile. “It’ll be good to have him back.”

Changkyun scoffs, scuffing his foot against the hard floors. “You know the sooner he comes back, the more likely it is for the company to keep him on the comeback schedule.”

“Oh,” Minhyuk mumbles, “I hadn’t considered that.”

“It’s better if he’s here,” Hoseok denies. “It’s better for him to be with people who care about him instead of being surrounded by strangers.”

Changkyun frowns sharply. “If it keeps him from being run into the ground from exhaustion while he’s already trying to recover, I think it’s forgivable to keep him in professional care.”

“This isn’t what we need to talk about,” Kihyun interrupts with a sigh. He gives each of them a serious look. “We need to make sure that all of us here have Hyungwon-ah’s best interest in mind. Hyungwon needs to have a positive support system here with us.”

“We know you three are… going through a rough spot in your relationships with him right now,” their leader says. Changkyun starts to argue, but Hyunwoo keeps going. “I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, and that you’re willing to get over those issues for now. I’m not saying your feelings take a backseat to his. He just needs to focus on his recovery right now, and he doesn’t need the added stress. He needs space to relax with us.”

“We’ll still make sure all of everyone’s concerns and problems get sorted through, but right now we’re prioritizing Hyungwon’s recovery.” Kihyun agrees.

“But some of these issues are going to get in the way of his recovery.” Changkyun argues. “Hyungwon-hyung is only in such bad shape because of _them_ ,” his eyes flit accusingly to the other visuals before settling back on Hyunwoo. “They should be kept away from them. Hyungwon needs to be given space from his stressors.”

“That’s only going to make it worse.” Kihyun disagrees. “We still need to be a group. Hoseok and Minhyuk need to make up with Hyungwon, and fix their relationships before they get any worse. That’s the only way this group is going to stay in one piece.”

Hyunwoo nods. “I appreciate your enthusiasm to help, Changkyun-ah, but with the position we’re in, we do have to think of the group first, even if it seems unfair to you.” The maknae scowls as he lowers his gaze to the floor.

Hoseok decides to step in again. “Minhyukkie and I were just talking about it. We agreed to do whatever we can for Hyungwonnie’s recovery, including fixing our relationships. This whole thing became a much bigger mess than it needed to be, and we’re prepared to face the consequences.” Changkyun makes a noise of dissatisfaction, but doesn’t say anything further.

Hyunwoo, however, nods. “I’m putting my trust in you two.”

“Of course,” Minhyuk nods, and squeezes the blond visual’s hand again. He looks more nervous than optimistic now, though. His gaze wanders over to the maknae, thoughtful. He turns back to Hyunwoo. “Did Jinwoo-hyung say anything else about Hyungwonnie’s condition?”

The leader shrugs. “He only said Hyungwon is still going through an adjustment period with his treatment. It sounds like they want to see if his condition improves any back at the dorm. They seem to think he’ll be fine once he gets settled in again, but after what Hyungwon said to me, I don’t think it will be that easy.”

“They really didn’t tell you anything more?” the younger male frowns. Hyunwoo shrugs. “That’s really weird, right?”

“Does it matter? We’ll find out tomorrow anyway,” Hoseok reasons. “It’ll be okay, for all of us. And even if he does have to go with the comeback schedule, we can make sure what happened a few days ago doesn’t repeat. We just need to take care of each other.” It’s a sentiment they collectively lack. Hoseok sees this, but he’s always stayed silent as he’d never known what to do about it. But that needs to change.

Changkyun suddenly crosses the room, getting in Hoseok’s face. His eyes are hard as he says, “Decide now whether or not you really care about him. Don’t do this just because you want respect from anyone. Hyungwon’s life could depend on you making the right choice here. He doesn’t _need_ you.” He gives Minhyuk the same pointed look before pushing past them both to leave the room. The two can only watch him in stunned silence. Jooheon quickly follows after him with a quiet apology.

“Well,” Kihyun starts after a moment. “He’s not _completely_ wrong.”

Hyunwoo shoots him a look, sighs quietly. “Just keep your word,” he tells the two visuals. “Tomorrow won’t be easy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately had to cut this chapter short for the sake of time. we'll get into the "fun" stuff again soon~  
> one day maybe i'll write more than just annoying dialogue :')


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy so i've been kinda mia, sorry. a lot of stuff happened that made it kind of impossible to focus on this story without me feeling awful, so i kinda just put it off. this chapter was especially draining, idk why. i ended up making it more lighthearted than originally planned, i just wasn't up for it. it probably won't stay that way, knowing me lol.

Hyungwon is already back to the dorm by the time the other members return from their long practice. He’s waiting for them in the kitchen, eating some delivery while he talks with Jinwoo. Changkyun makes a beeline for the visual, pulling over a chair to sit beside him. Hyungwon greets him by giving a gentle squeeze to the other’s shoulder. The rapper feels relief and warmth fill his chest. He’s so happy to see the color back to Hyungwon’s face, to see him eating and smiling and acting like everything is okay again.

The others join them quickly, finding the same relief Changkyun had when they all see the visual. Minhyuk immediately starts for him, but he halts as Changkyun presses closer to Hyungwon and shoots the silver-haired visual a look. Nonetheless, Minhyuk smiles, sits across from the dark-haired vocalist. “Hi, Hyungwonnie. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing better,” the model says, and Changkyun easily notices how he avoids looking up at the older male’s face. “I’ll be okay for promotions.”

“That’s not really what we’re worried about,” Hoseok says. Wisely, he stays back.

Hyungwon doesn’t reply to that, taking another bite of the food in front of him. “There’s enough for everyone,” he says, “You guys must be hungry too.” The younger visual pushes an empty plate in front of Changkyun, piles food atop it. That’s enough for the rest of the group to crowd around the table, Hyunwoo and Kihyun thankfully taking the remaining places closest to the youngest visual. Jooheon puts on a smile, offering light conversation with the vocalist. It brings a sense of normalcy the others aren’t quite expecting, but it isn’t unappreciated. Clearly it keeps Hyungwon at ease. Although his smiles are contained and he still doesn’t fully relax, it’s still better to see him like this instead of in the shape he’d been in when he’d left. The rapper can’t help but get lost in the model’s gentle eyes. In contrast to how he’d seemed not so long ago, his gaze is inviting like it always used to be. He was the one the group felt was easy to approach when in need of someone to vent to; he was always so warm and trustworthy, welcoming to the others in need of reprieve. It’s nice to see at least a glimpse of that side of him returning, the side that allowed the members in instead of shutting them all out.

“Changkyun-ah, stop staring and clean up if you’re not going to eat.” Minhyuk speaks up, pulling the maknae out of his reverie. He feels heat rise to his face, both embarrassed at being caught and incensed at being told off by Minhyuk. But he realizes the silver-haired visual isn’t saying this for his sake; he just wants Changkyun out of his spot. It hasn’t slipped the rapper’s attention that Hyungwon has barely addressed the other two visuals, nor is he blind to the obvious way Minhyuk has been trying to steal the younger vocalist’s attention.

“It’s fine to relax for a minute, isn’t it?” Hyungwon speaks up. His touch is light as he brushes his hand against Changkyun’s. He offers the rapper a private smile before giving Minhyuk a curious look. “Besides, you’ve been staring a lot too.”

Minhyuk nods slowly, settles back. “Right,” he says. “Of course.”

Jinwoo chooses now to speak up, halting the easy mood between the group. “Okay. There are some things Hyungwon-ah needs to inform you about.” The words are quite sobering, each of the idols present knowing exactly what their manager is dredging up. Hyungwon drops his gaze. Changkyun expects him to put up his defenses, but the visual leaves himself open. It seems like he’s already come to terms with having to face his members.

Hyungwon’s head lowers into an apologetic bow. “I’m sorry for worrying you all. As I’m sure you figured out or were informed, I’ve been dealing with my stress in very unhealthy ways recently. I lost more weight than I should have, and I let it get in the way of everything—including my work and my friendships with you all. I’m doing my best to recover for the comeback, so don’t worry about me.”

Kihyun purses his lips. “Is it in your best interest to continue with the comeback?”

Head still lowered, Hyungwon nods tentatively. “I’m okay.” Under the table, Changkyun brushes their hands together again. A small smile graces the visual’s pretty features. “It’s already been cleared. It’ll be okay.”

“Don’t push yourself,” Hyunwoo says, shooting a look towards their manager.

The older man looks to the dark-haired visual. “Why don’t you go settle in your room? It’s late, and you’re going to want as much rest as you can get when you get back to practice tomorrow.” Hyungwon shrugs, nods, and quietly leaves the kitchen. Jinwoo almost immediately drops his friendly expression for something more tired. He sighs, allowing himself a moment of weakness before addressing the other idols. He gives each of them an assessing look, the corners of his mouth pulling down into an almost guilty frown. “Will you please keep an eye on him when the managers aren’t around?” he requests. “The company wants his condition closely monitored for now. He’s been doing well with his recovery plan, so it shouldn’t be too troublesome for you.”

Kihyun frowns at that last remark, but he nods. “Of course. We already talked about this. We’d just like to have more information so we’re more prepared to help.”

Their manager shrugs. “Hyungwon didn’t want us to say anything to you guys, and we all agreed not to stress you out with the details until he got back. He did well in inpatient care, very cooperative—for the most part. I think he just needed a break from schedules—you know how he gets himself all strung up sometimes. You caught it at a good time, Hyunwoo.” He gives a pressed smile, patting their leader’s shoulder. The stiff nature of his actions contradicts his words. He stands up, doing his best to give the group a reassuring look. “I’m sure he’ll answer your questions, and he’ll be able to explain himself better than I can. Don’t stress him out too much, though. He’ll be alright. I have to leave, but I’ll be back tomorrow. Take care of each other.” With that last sentiment, he leaves the dorm.

Changkyun feels nervous after that exchange. He also gets up from the table. “I’m going to check on him,” he decides.

“I’ll go with you,” Minhyuk volunteers, starting to rise, but Hyunwoo pulls him back down.

“Changkyun-ah doesn’t need help,” he says, giving the maknae a meaningful look. Changkyun nods, quickly leaving before anyone else decides to follow him.

He knocks on the bedroom door before entering, opening the door to find Hyungwon sitting up in his bunk. Changkyun-ah?” he says, blinking with sleepy surprise. “What are you doing?”

“Just here to check on you,” Changkyun answers. “I didn’t think you would actually be sleeping already. Are you really that tired?”

Hyungwon yawns. “I didn’t sleep well last night. Besides, don’t you guys claim I’m always tired?”

“Maybe,” Changkyun says. He glances to the empty on the bed Hyungwon occupies, bites his lip. “Uh, can I sit up there with you, or would you rather be left alone?”

The lanky male shrugs. “You can come up if you want. I’m going to sleep either way.” Changkyun hides a smile, climbs into the visual’s bunk. The rapper sits down on the corner of the bed furthest from the vocalist. Hyungwon gestures him closer, lies down and settles with his head in the younger idol’s lap. His expression is pleased as he closes his eyes.

Changkyun hands awkwardly settle at his sides, unsure if he should touch the other. He’s just relieved to have Hyungwon this close again. But Hyungwon only curls closer, so the rapper gently places a hand on the visual’s head to brush his fingers through the older male’s hair. The vocalist sighs contently. Warmth blooms in Changkyun’s chest. He decides to ask him something to distract himself. “Hyung… what’s the last thing you remember before being admitted to the hospital?”

Hyungwon hums, smiling sleepily as he reaches up to brush Changkyun’s bangs out of his face. “I remember waking up and seeing you. I can’t recall much about the actual moment. I just have this image of you, with the light behind you making you look like an angel.” He laughs gently as Changkyun blushes. “My angel Changkyunnie~,”

“Don’t be embarrassing, Hyung,” the rapper mumbles. He changes the subject again, “How was your hospital stay?”

“It was fine,” Hyungwon murmurs. “You know how it is.”

“No, I don’t know what it’s like in this case.” Changkyun replies.

The visual sighs. “It was… difficult to listen to the doctors diagnose me without knowing me. I couldn’t cooperate with the doctors, you know? I couldn’t tell them about Hoseok and Minhyuk, or my feelings about myself. I could only lie. And I know that’s my own fault, it’s my fault I have these feelings I can’t share, but it was still… hard.”

Changkyun nods as he listens, feeling his heart sink a bit. The doctors can fix his physical condition, but it won’t mean much if his mental health doesn’t improve. “Was it hard to adjust there?”

Hyungwon shakes his head the best he can in his position. “I mean, it was hard at first to even accept being there, but it was sort of a breather to be out of the dorm for a while. I wasn’t forced to _think_ the whole time. I didn’t…” he swallows nervously, voice going very quiet. “I didn’t feel the need to purge while I was there, so it wasn’t hard to keep with their plans and schedules.”

“You didn’t feel stressed, and there was no reason to find an outlet for it.” Changkyun concludes.

Hyungwon turns, looks straight up at Changkyun. “I only felt sick again after I thought about coming back here, going back to the same horrible routine. I can’t do it. I can’t go back to feeling so bad.”

Changkyun nods, thoughts racing. There are so many different things he could tell Hyungwon to reassure him; he decides to tackle the issue head on. “You need to give up on them,” he says softly. “I know you can’t get away from them, but this has gone too far. If it hurts you so much to be here, you need to move on from Hoseok and Minhyuk.”

The visual tenses, looks away from the rapper. “I know,” he whispers. “Really, I know, but it’s so hard when I still care about them, when I still… need them.”

“It’s okay,” Changkyun tells him. “It’ll take some time, but it’ll be best for you if you separate yourself from them.” He takes a slow breath, tentatively says, “And you don’t need to be completely on your own. You just need someone else to help you find your feet.”

“Will you help me?” he asks softly.

The younger idol nods, smiles. “Yeah, of course. I’m here for you, Hyung.”

Hyungwon nods, relaxes. “Stay with me until I fall asleep,” he requests, a bit breathless. Changkyun nods, running his fingers through Hyungwon’s dark hair. The visual settles comfortably in the rapper’s lap, takes one of his hands and curls their fingers together. Changkyun keeps his promise, staying with the older male as he falls asleep. Once he’s sure Hyungwon won’t wake up, he gently shifts the other out of his lap, but remains beside him.

After a little while, Hyunwoo quietly enters the room. He looks up at the rapper. “Changkyun-ah,” he starts carefully. “Can I ask you for a favor?”

* * *

 

When Hyungwon wakes up in another person’s arms, he panics for a split second. It takes him a moment to recognize Changkyun’s smell and feel, but he’s relieved to find the rapper had stayed with him. It was more than Hyungwon had even asked for. It feels nice.

The rapper must already be awake as he reacts when Hyungwon’s breath hitches. “Hyung? Are you awake?” he murmurs. The visual mumbles incoherently in reply. Changkyun rolls them both slightly away from each other, warm gaze meeting Hyungwon’s eyes. “Did you sleep well?”

The model nods, realizes how quiet the room is. “Did Hyunwoo and Hoseok hyungs already get up?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun says, “Hyunwoo got up a little while ago and Hoseok slept in my bunk last night. Depending on how you feel about it, I might trade bunks with him for the time being.” He looks at Hyungwon imploringly, as if searching for a reaction, but the lanky idol just curls towards him again.

“Okay.” If Hyungwon was more awake, he might have a reaction to that. Relief, disappointment—he isn’t sure which. All he knows is that he’s supposed to keep his distance anyway, and maybe they should have done this a while ago. The visual sighs. “I’m tired.”

The rapper huffs out a short laugh. “You can sleep a little while longer. We don’t have morning schedules today.”

But Hyungwon shakes his head. Even if his thoughts feel like molasses, he should get ready for the tiring day he’s about to have. No use hiding any longer. He waves Changkyun off, tells him to go get dressed in his own room. The maknae complies, slipping out of bed and out of the room. Hyungwon takes his time getting up and finding something to wear. As he’s pulling on a light hoodie, he hears the room’s door open, shut, and lock. Goosebumps rise along the skin of his arms as he starts to turn. A familiar embrace grabs him from behind, startling the model. The two idols pull in different directions, ending with their legs tangling and bodies crashing onto one of the lower bunks.

Hyungwon grunts as he hits the mattress face-first, the all-too recognizable (yet thankfully faint) scent of cologne filling his nose, and the male over him panics. “I’m so sorry, oh my god. Did I hurt you?” The model is flipped onto his back, and he stares straight up into the concerned gaze of Minhyuk. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Hyungwon mumbles, covering his face with his hands. Minhyuk has him pinned down on Hoseok’s bed when the youngest visual isn’t quite ready to deal with either of them—how could he feel anything but overwhelmed? “Why are you here?”

Minhyuk pauses, voice hesitant the next time he speaks. “I didn’t get to talk to you yesterday. I wanted to see you.”

“So you attacked me?”

The silver-haired visual grins sheepishly. “I guess I got carried away?” He sobers again, gaze soft. “I missed you a lot, worried about you. I… I feel bad about everything that’s happened. I want to know how to make it up to you.”

“It’ll go away with time,” is all Hyungwon chooses to say. He doesn’t quite want to have this conversation with Minhyuk hovering over him like this. Or ever. “Things get worse before they get better, or something. I hit my low point, so I can only go up, right?”

“Don’t tell me that,” Minhyuk frowns. “If it was going to be that easy, you wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital. At least let me help you if you aren’t going to take care of yourself.”

Hyungwon has to look away then, turn his face into Hoseok’s bedcovers. This is going to drive him crazy. “That’s a bad idea,” he says, voice weak and shaking.

The older vocalist smiles sadly. “You know I love you, Hyungwonnie,” he whispers, and the model nods because he’s always known that’s true. He tenses when Minhyuk leans down, presses a soft kiss to his cheek. The silver-haired male breathes, so close to Hyungwon’s ear, “I’m so in love with you.”

The younger idol feels the breath leave his lungs. He forces his hand to move, tightly grips Minhyuk’s shoulder to hold him still. “You can’t say that,” he mumbles. There’s so many reasons why he doesn’t want to hear the older male tell him that, but he focuses on the one that should matter most to Minhyuk. “What about Hoseok?” There’s no way the older male would be happy about this, especially when they’re still kind of together. Or did they really break up? Did things get better or worse between them during Hyungwon’s hospitalization? The youngest visual can’t imagine things are back to how they were before this mess if Minhyuk is comfortable enough to corner Hyungwon like this and confess.

“Hoseok isn’t sure how he feels,” Minhyuk admits, thankfully backing off and giving the younger male room to breathe again. “But I think he’s in love with you too.”

Hyungwon doesn’t know what to say. Not once did he ever think he would hear these words come out of Minhyuk’s mouth. But here they are, lying on Hoseok’s bed while Minhyuk tells Hyungwon everything he wanted to hear back when he dreamed of having a chance with them. His chest aches. “We shouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“We need to have this conversation,” Minhyuk argues. “You aren’t the only one upset with unresolved feelings.”

“But I can’t keep going through this cycle,” Hyungwon tells him. “I can’t keep getting my hopes up only for them to shatter around me. I can’t keep feeling like I’m in the way when it comes to you two. I can’t keep being afraid,” his voice falters, and he blinks back the sudden emotions choking him.

Minhyuk’s expression softens, and he carefully brushes Hyungwon’s hair out of his eyes. “Changkyun-ah said you’re in love with me and Hoseok,” he says quietly. “Is that true?”

A sharp pang of betrayal pushes the air out of Hyungwon’s chest, but he quickly recovers. Changkyun wouldn’t rat him out for no reason. He swallows dryly, answers, “I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

The other’s face falls, but he nods. “That’s… understandable,” he says decisively. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to Hoseok and see what he thinks.”

He starts to move away, but Hyungwon grabs a handful of his shirt and directs a steely look at him. He needs to make one thing clear before Minhyuk leaves. “I won’t talk to you two alone,” he says. “Just you and me like this is fine, but I won’t be alone with just him or with the both of you. I don’t trust him, and I don’t trust you to take my side if he does something.”

“We’re not going to hurt you,” Minhyuk tells him, his own voice faltering.

“You said that before, and look where we are now.” Hyungwon shrugs. The other opens his mouth to argue, but they’re interrupted as someone tries to open the door. Both boys’ heads whip over to the source of the noise, unmoving until Changkyun’s voice calls through the door. Hyungwon pushes Minhyuk away, calmly stands and brushes off his clothes. He turns his back to the other, doesn’t address him as he unlocks and opens the bedroom door. Instead, he offers Changkyun a smile and follows him to join the others in the dorm’s kitchen.

(Minhyuk joins them soon after, curling against Hoseok’s side. Hyungwon doesn’t look at either of them.)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long (again). i feel like a broken record :')  
> i promise i won't drop this story. don't worry about it.

It’s so hard to be around Hyungwon anymore; Minhyuk hates it. It hurts to watch this tentative shell of his best friend interact with the rest of the group. Even with all the reassuring he’s given them, Hyungwon is not ‘okay’, and it kills Minhyuk to know he can’t do anything to help him—because everyone thinks all he’ll do is hurt Hyungwon, even if all he _wants_ is to make it all better again.

Minhyuk wants to tuck Hyungwon into his arms and protect him, but he knows it isn’t his place to do that. All he can do is reassure Hyungwon, make sure he’s safe and as happy as he can be. He doesn’t avoid Hyungwon by any means, but he does keep a noticeable distance between them. It’s his way of holding out his hand and waiting for Hyungwon to decide when ( _if_ ) to take it. And Hyungwon doesn’t push him away (at least, he doesn’t _only_ push away Minhyuk), and they’re finding a new rhythm with each other. As much as Minhyuk hopes their new arrangement is only temporary (that they’ll go back to being close), it feels good to have something comfortable between him and Hyungwon again. It’s relieving.

It isn’t like his dynamic with the others hasn’t changed either, though. No, Hyungwon’s rebuilding with everyone. For most of the others, the change isn’t as big as the changes between the visual line, but it’s enough to be noticeable. All of them become more attentive, behave differently in front of Hyungwon. Minhyuk can see how it frustrates the younger idol that everything is different now, something he surely wanted to avoid, but it can’t be worse than how things were going.

He can see how Hyungwon would hate it. Hyunwoo and Kihyun treat him like he’s made of glass, which is something Minhyuk knows gets under the model’s skin. Hyungwon doesn’t like to be given a crutch, doesn’t like to be handled like he could break at any given moment. The younger visual is proud, and takes offense to people treating him like he’s incapable. And that’s not what Hyunwoo and Kihyun are doing, they know Hyungwon is strong, but they also know they need to be careful if they’re going to be the model’s support.

Hyunwoo was the only one in the group to see Hyungwon at all during his hospitalization, after he’d fainted (Minhyuk has trouble fully recalling that moment; it feels like an out-of-body experience now). He didn’t talk about it with the whole group, but he’d pulled the older members away at some point after Hyungwon had come back, told them more about what had happened. He talked about how Hyungwon had broken down—how he panicked and begged Hyunwoo to convince the doctors, managers, other members, _everyone_ that he was okay. Hyungwon had promised he’d work harder on the routines, dedicate even more of his time to work. He told Hyunwoo he’d stop getting in the others’ way.

It was heartbreaking to listen to—especially when Minhyuk knew he was one of the reasons Hyungwon thought this way in the first place. What hurt more was the fact that Hyungwon obviously thought the reason he was in “trouble” was because he was _in the way_. The “progress” he’d seemingly made since he’d been gone was something more like a mask he’d crafted to keep the others from being worried for him. As much as Minhyuk had convinced himself it was genuine, that Hyungwon is better and okay, he isn’t. He resists recovery, continues to push himself when he shouldn’t be. He still needs his group to help him get over this. And so Minhyuk understands why the others would be tentative around him; they need to brace him (as well as themselves) for when they inevitably have to be his safety net.

Because Minhyuk knows it’s going to be hard. Hyungwon is already dipping back into those bad habits, evidenced by how he’s still trying to evade meals and replace them with more practice. He’s worried about this comeback, feels underprepared. He hates messing up and disappointing fans, and Minhyuk knows his recent hospitalization has only magnified those feelings. If he’s honest, he’s not sure the break did Hyungwon much good, mentally.

Hyunwoo says he doesn’t think Hyungwon necessarily wants to “recover”. He thinks Hyungwon could easily relapse, especially when the younger vocalist is more concentrated on their comeback than his own recovery. He says the comeback could become an obsessive distraction, something Hyungwon can focus on to get away from his stressors—which just piles on more stress and anxiety, honestly.

And it truly kills Minhyuk to know he’s one of the stressors that caused this awful situation. He’s the reason Hyungwon is slowly driving himself into the ground.

Jooheon tries a different approach from the older members. Instead of keeping an eye on Hyungwon and reminding him to take care of himself in the parental fashion Hyungwon hates, he instead tries to give Hyungwon other, non-destructive distractions. They practice one-on-one in a more relaxed setting, hang out while Jooheon’s in the studio, go to the billiards place across from the dorm. It’s fun things that let Hyungwon stop, breathe. Hyunwoo or Changkyun often joins them on their outings. Minhyuk won’t lie and say he’s not jealous of them, but he is relieved there are members able to pull Hyungwon out of his head and distract him from the pain he’s experiencing, remind him that they care.

The only member Minhyuk has any problems with is Changkyun. The maknae had grown highly protective over the youngest visual, never liking to be too far from him if he could help it. He spends the most time with Hyungwon, especially after the rapper trades bedrooms with Hoseok. That isn’t a difficult feat, however, when they’re gearing up for performances and their next comeback. They spend a lot of time fixing up their choreography (Hyungwon struggles to catch up with the changes made while he was gone, but he gets the hang of it. Minhyuk wants to help him, but Hyunwoo and Jooheon have it covered), and they go through the motions of changing their individual images to fit the new concept (Minhyuk’s supposed to dye his hair pink, but he refuses, needing something to go his way for once. He’s tired of dealing with bleach-damaged hair. He ends up with the dark hair he wants, and the pink is forced on Kihyun. It’s refreshing to change his image like this; Minhyuk feels a bit more like himself with his dark hair back). The whole group spends a lot of time together again, but it’s obvious Changkyun is the one who steals most of Hyungwon’s attention.

There is one member who manages to go unaccounted for. Hoseok disappears whenever he can, hides away in his studio. He keeps as much distance between him and Hyungwon that he can manage. Hyungwon acts like it doesn’t bother him, but Minhyuk knows he’s put off by Hoseok’s absence. They haven’t talked much since Hyungwon got home from the hospital, only offering the bare minimum conversation they need to get by. It’s done nothing to improve their relationship. Hyungwon is still unsure around the older vocalist, but Hoseok doesn’t do anything to ease him. It’s further driving them apart.

Minhyuk realizes he needs to bridge the gap between them if they’re ever going to be comfortable with each other again.

Hoseok becomes the evasive one now, avoiding most of the group. He doesn’t even seek out Minhyuk, leaving the now-dark-haired visual to find the other himself. Hoseok has been extremely awkward around Hyungwon now—not that he had been much better before, but now the avoidance is solely on his part. Minhyuk can’t help but attribute it to Hyungwon’s diagnosis.

It disappoints him. Hoseok should be better than that—should care about Hyungwon enough that he would do his best to support him instead of leaving whenever the younger male enters the room.

He decides to confront Hoseok about it one day, when the other has closed himself off in his studio again. He pokes his head through the door, offering a smile when Hoseok glances up to greet him. “Hi Hoseokkie, how’s it going?”

The pale-haired idol shrugs, “It’s okay.” He eyes the younger male questioningly. “Need something?”

Minhyuk slides into the empty seat to the side of the small room, folding his hands in his lap. “Just wanted to talk,” he says, drawing out the last word. He tilts his head, trying to keep a friendly disposition. “So how are you… holding up?”

Realizing Minhyuk isn’t here for passive small talk, he puts aside his keyboard, fully faces the other. “I’m fine,” he says simply. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well,” Minhyuk starts, only a bit sheepish. “I think we should talk about Hyungwonnie—,”

“Yeah,” Hoseok interrupts. “I figured.” His tone is flat, empty, and he swivels his chair away from Minhyuk. “You’re going to tell me that I’m being shitty, aren’t you? I’m always wrong when it comes to him.”

The dark-haired visual feels his smile fade. “I just wanted to know where your head’s at. I’m not here to tell you you’re right or wrong. I just wanna know what you’re thinking about him.”

Hoseok looks uncomfortably over his shoulder, not quite at the other. “What am I supposed to be thinking?”

“I dunno… We’re all taking this in different ways, I just noticed you’ve kind of pulled away.” He doesn’t understand Hoseok’s response. “I guess I just want to know why you’re avoiding Hyungwon?”

“I’m not avoiding him,” Hoseok mumbles, refusing to look at the younger male.

Minhyuk clicks his tongue against the back of his teeth in annoyance, but tries not to let it show. “Then why won’t you go anywhere near him when you don’t have to?”

Hoseok grimaces. “You… you know he doesn’t want me around.” He sounds unsure, hesitant. Minhyuk isn’t buying it.

“Why aren’t you doing anything?” Minhyuk asks Hoseok, his voice so quiet, almost lost in the stillness around them.

Hoseok doesn’t speak right away. When he speaks, his voice is louder, but not any more confident. “I don’t know what to do,” he admits. “No one trusts me. How can I do anything when no one will let me?”

Minhyuk frowns. “Do you think you can fix that by doing nothing?”

The pale-haired idol winces. “What can I do? No one will _let_ me fix it.”

“No one is going to give you _permission_ ,” Minhyuk tells him. “You shouldn’t get in Hyungwon’s face, but you can’t expect him to come to you. You still have to show him he can trust you—until then, he _won’t_.”

“How can I give him space _and_ let him know he can trust me?” he argues. “It’s better if I stay away, right? Better if I just stay in the studio and shut myself away from everyone else. I’ve already been kicked out of my own bed—I don’t need to be kicked out of the dorm entirely.”

“I can’t believe this is how you’re taking this.” Minhyuk laments. He’s disappointed that Hoseok can’t be the hyung he’s supposed to be. “You _hurt_ him, and you think it’ll just go away?”

“I apologized!” Hoseok snaps. “I told him over and over how sorry I am and that I know I was wrong. I can’t make him accept that—that’s on him.”

“But have you given him any reason to believe you?” the younger visual pushes. “Each time he lets you in, you do something _worse_.” He cuts himself off there, knowing they won’t get anywhere from here, just keep going in circles. Instead, he asks the question he came to address. “Hyung,” he starts quietly. “Are you avoiding him because of his eating disorder?”

The older male blinks, fully turns to face him again. “What? No, I—Minhyuk-ah, how can you think that?” He looks hurt by that, moves his chair closer to the other. “I wouldn’t… If it was just that, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t keep my distance. But he… It isn’t just…” He looks frustrated, unable to articulate himself. He sighs, resigned. “I don’t know what to do about what Changkyun said.” Minhyuk’s heart clenches at that. Hoseok is, of course, referring to Changkyun’s outburst in which he blurted out Hyungwon’s feelings towards the older visuals. The pale-haired dancer puts his head in his hands. “Like, what can I say? You’re right—everything I do hurts him. Even if I try to be good to him, it’s going to hurt him. Because he loves me, and I don’t know if I feel the same.”

Minhyuk can understand that. He can see why Hoseok is tentative—but it’s still just an excuse. “You can’t use that to justify pushing him away.”

“What am I supposed to do?” the dancer demands. “Because at this point, I don’t know what I can do that won’t upset him—you know he doesn’t want me anywhere near him, not even to talk, and it’s not like Changkyun will let me either.”

Minhyuk takes a deep breath, does his best to keep his voice even. “You don’t have to _talk_ to him. You need to reassure him that he isn’t putting himself at risk by being around you. Maybe you aren’t physically hurting him this way, but it’s going to kill any chance of an amiable relationship with him. We’re supposed to create a safe environment for him, and all you’ve done is make him feel the opposite of that. You’re hostile with him. You treat him like your enemy.”

Hoseok goes silent then, unable to say anything in response. He settles back in his seat, a thoughtful expression on his face. He seems to mull over this thought, and after a few moments, he nods. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll… try.” He swallows, settles an unsure look on the younger idol. Minhyuk offers an encouraging look, reaches over to squeeze his hand tightly. Hoseok’s expression doesn’t appear any less uncomfortable, but the tension bleeds from his posture at the touch. “I want him to be okay.”

The dark-haired visual offers a weak smile at that. “Yeah, so do I.” He hopes they can do the right thing.

* * *

 

Jooheon knows, in terms of Hyungwon’s recovery, there isn’t a lot he can offer to help. He isn’t knowledgeable about eating disorders (or most mental illnesses), and he isn’t confident in the information he gets from google searches. He doesn’t know how to help Hyungwon overcome his anxiety and stress, not when it’s affecting his health so seriously. But he knows that isn’t an excuse to sit idle. So, he helps in the ways he knows how.

The rapper has always been known as the group’s stress-reliever. He’s good at pulling the other’s out of their heads, giving them moments of relaxed reprieve to ease their stress. Hyungwon needs that more than ever. Jooheon offers that for him as much as he can, keeping up his relaxed demeanor as he invites Hyungwon out of the dorm. More than ever, their small living space feels so cramped and stifling; it leaves a positive effect on Hyungwon to get him out of there more often.

Hyungwon is a lot more like himself away from the dorm and the practice studios. Either he’s better at putting on a mask in front of Jooheon, or he’s just more comfortable. The rapper leans more towards believing the latter. He’s quite obviously more at ease in ways that can’t be covered up. The members all have their own unconscious tell-tales that give away their true feelings, and Hyungwon isn’t the best at covering up his own, at least not from the rapper. Jooheon is observant. He sees the tension in Hyungwon’s shoulders drain as soon as he settles in a seat at the nearby barbecue restaurant, or how the exhaustion clouding his eyes clears when they go to the billiards place and he gets his hands on a pool cue. He also sees how that same tiredness, that same stress comes back when Hoseok or Minhyuk are in sight, when upcoming schedules are brought up, when the managers pull him aside to talk to him privately.

The model isn’t ready to return to schedules. He’s still struggling, still holding onto unhealthy and damaging behaviors as if they’re the only things getting him through the week. But he has to promote. The company isn’t giving him any other option—not that he’d take any other option either. Jooheon wishes he’d at least take care of himself, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows Hyungwon won’t listen to any of them, doesn’t want to talk about it. And it’s fine. He doesn’t need to talk to Jooheon concerning his stresses and worries. Not that Jooheon wouldn’t be willing to listen; he simply understands he’s likely low on Hyungwon’s list of people to trust with that kind of conversation.

Or at least, that’s what he assumes. He ends up being proven wrong when Hyungwon slips into the rapper’s studio one evening while the younger male is working alone.

Hyungwon quietly walks over and quietly sits down beside Jooheon, tucking his long legs underneath him as he leans over to rest his head on the other’s shoulder. His eyes are downcast, gaze tired as he watches the rapper work.

They’d been practicing and preparing all day. Hyungwon looks about ready to fall asleep against Jooheon’s shoulder. “Did your vocal lessons end early?” the rapper asks, more to make conversation than anything else. Hyungwon makes good company even while working. Although Jooheon likes being around everyone in the group, there’s only a few members he likes to have around while he’s working. Hyungwon is one of them; he’s a calming presence when he wants to be, and he doesn’t distract Jooheon from his work nor demand his attention. He gives helpful criticism when asked, which is always appreciated.

“You’ve been here too long,” Hyungwon murmurs smoothly. “Vocal lessons ended a while ago. I’m here to bring you home.”

“I’m almost done with this.” The protest is near-automatic. The others all know how much he hates to leave his work unfinished.

Hyungwon nods, curls into the younger male’s side. “Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

For the first time in hours, Jooheon tears his gaze away from his computer screen to peer down at the model. He’s quite plainly exhausted, shadows under his eyes that barely remain open, and body leaning tiredly against the younger male. He should be resting back at the dorm, not clinging to wakefulness and waiting for Jooheon to leave the studio. He huffs out a short laugh at the sight of the older male. “You should have gone back if you’re this tired. Are the others still here?”

The visual shrugs. “Hoseok is in his studio. Changkyun might be around somewhere.”

Jooheon nods. “Alright. We’ll go back soon.”

“Take your time,” Hyungwon hums.

It’s quiet after that. Hyungwon is obviously drifting off with the way his head keeps falling against Jooheon’s before jerking up again, and Jooheon feels guilty about keeping him out. He makes a few last-minute edits, saves his work before shutting down his computer and packing up. Hyungwon curls up against the couch, eyes closed and breathing calm and steady. He looks so peaceful; now the rapper feels bad for having to wake him.

As Jooheon moves to gently shake his shoulder, Hyungwon’s eyes flutter open, and he grins sleepily up at the younger male. “Done already?”

Jooheon starts to nod when he feels his stomach grumble. Sheepishly, he grins and says, “Wanna get something to eat first?”

Hyungwon looks at him, expression going from amiable to apprehensive. “Um… Can you just drop me off at the dorm? I’m sure Changkyun would go with you, maybe Hoseok,”

“You sure?” the rapper feels himself frowning—that sinking feeling he gets when Hyungwon declines his offers, the one telling him not to let the taller idol go, returns.

The model winces. “Yeah… I don’t feel well. Just wanna go home,”

There isn’t much Jooheon can do besides nod. “Okay, Hyung, if that’s what you want to do.” Sometimes he wants to push Hyungwon, be more insistent and get him to do what’s better for him. But Hyungwon approaches the rapper because he knows Jooheon isn’t pushy, isn’t demanding. Jooheon is Hyungwon’s respite from the others’ insistent concern and distant behaviors (besides, no one’s better at convincing him to eat than Hyunwoo and Changkyun).

The brunet slowly unfolds himself from where he’d been sitting, and he looks so tired again—not just physically, but mentally as well. His easy smile is gone, replaced with pinched brows and downturned lips. His eyes are so unhappy, frustrated and cornered. That’s another mask that falls when it’s just him and Jooheon, the one hiding just how unhappy he really is.

He starts to grab his stuff, get ready to leave and take Hyungwon back to the dorm, but he pauses as the visual speaks up again. “Actually… can we stay here a little longer?”

Jooheon blinks, nods. “Yeah, of course.” Hyungwon sinks back down onto his seat, curling up again. He’s got something weighing down on him, something he wants to say. The rapper sits down next to him, waiting for him to speak.

Hyungwon takes his time, nervously pulling at the sleeves of his shirt. He sighs, asks feebly, “Are you disappointed in me, Jooheon-ah?”

“’Disappointed’?” Jooheon echoes with a thoughtful, considering frown. He could never be disappointed in Hyungwon, especially not over what’s happened. He’s not _proud_ of what Hyungwon has done to himself, but he wouldn’t say he’s disappointed. It feels more like worry, concern. “No, Hyung, I’m not disappointed in you. I’m just worried for you.”

The older male purses his lips, trying to find something to busy his hands. “ _I’m_ disappointed in me,” he admits quietly. “I’m a bad hyung, I know. It’s easy to brush off the hyungs. I keep thinking I just need a little time and it’ll get better, I won’t be _like this_ anymore, but looking at you and Changkyun…” He gazes up, right into Jooheon’s eyes. His stare is intense. “I’m just being selfish aren’t I?”

The rapper can’t help the upset frown pulling his face at that. “I’m sorry, but I don’t see what me and Changkyun have to do with making you feel selfish.” Maybe the others would tell him to continue this train of thought, pull Hyungwon along this thread of selfishness to get him to abandon these harmful behaviors he engages in. But Jooheon isn’t here to make Hyungwon hate himself even more than he already must. He isn’t going to guilt Hyungwon, especially not when he doesn’t deserve it. “You’re our hyung, but you don’t have to take care of us all the time. And it doesn’t make me feel better to hear you say you only want to change because you feel guilty towards me. We all would rather you realize this is bad for _you_ , not for us or your image as a hyung. Changkyun and I both want you to take care of yourself for _you_ , not just because you feel guilty about—about what? Needing support from us?” He sighs with a wry smile and playfully bumps their knees together in an effort to lighten the mood a bit. “Neither of us want an apology. We just want you to get better.”

Hyungwon looks conflicted. “You’ve never told me to stop,” he points out uncertainly.

Jooheon shrugs. “Would you stop if I just told you to?” Hyungwon recoils, looks like he wants to protest what Jooheon is implying, but he draws back, shakes his head. No, it would take more than words to get him to stop hurting himself. The rapper’s smile goes a bit sad, even though it was the answer he expected. “I’m not here to tell you what to do, Hyung. I’m not here to judge you. I just want to help you feel like you don’t need to hurt yourself to feel better.”

He watches as the older male slowly unfolds his long limbs, leans in towards the rapper again. “Okay,” he says, and the brunet grins.

He leans over, tucks his head against the other’s shoulder. The younger blinks up at the other, observing the way he looks much lighter, light returning to his tired eyes. His own smile softens. “You’re good, Hyung. You make everyone want to take care of you.” Hyungwon’s face flushes, red rising to his cheeks, and Jooheon laughs openly at his reaction. The older male smacks his arm, tries to push him away, but the rapper holds on, takes mercy and changes the subject. “Wanna listen to some new stuff I’m working on? Haven’t shared it with anyone else yet,”

Hyungwon gives him an exasperated, yet warm and endeared smile as Jooheon is already moving back to turn his computer on. “Sure,” he nods, bright eyes meeting Jooheon’s. “Sounds good.”

(They end up staying late at the studio, ordering delivery when it’s clear neither plan on leaving soon as they start watching dance practices but the hunger grows too unbearable for Jooheon to ignore. They fall asleep there in the studio, curled beside each other until Kihyun eventually goes to check on them and take them home.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took 19 chapters, but i finally wrote a pov for each member, ayyy.  
> chapter 20 is next, and while i'm excited for what's planned, but i'm still. stunned by how much i've managed to drag this out. i'm so sorry ;-;


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> monsta x got their first win today holy shit??? i'm so proud c':  
> huge thank you to paige for both your direct and indirect help lol. this chapter would very likely have never gotten finished without you.

It’s only recently that Hoseok has seriously considered the thought that he might hate Hyungwon.

It’s a given that he doesn’t actively hate the other visual. But maybe, subconsciously, there’s something between them that puts Hoseok off. Maybe he and Hyungwon aren’t meant to get along; maybe something about Hyungwon just sets him off. Hoseok can’t really explain his awful behavior any other way. He’s never been a violent person, and he’s never taken out his frustrations on someone in such a cruel way. He must be carrying some sort of unconscious negative emotions towards the younger visual, even if he can’t fathom why.

Hoseok can’t imagine truly hating his dongsaeng. Hyungwon is lovely and sweet, even if occasionally bratty, a bit argumentative, and infinitely stubborn. But that never truly bothered Hoseok. Sure, sometimes Hyungwon got on his nerves, but so did the others once in a while. But in all his moments of frustration, Hoseok has rarely gotten physical, and only once intentionally hurt someone. No one besides Hyungwon had felt the brunt of Hoseok’s anger like that. And that—did that mean something about their relationship? Did it imply something about Hoseok’s feelings for Hyungwon? Or had Hyungwon simply pushed him further than anyone else ever had?

It’s not the first time Hoseok has been so _angry_. He’d lashed out at Hyunwoo before, over his leadership, back when the older male was so tentative and hard to communicate with; he’d taken his frustrations on their company out by snapping at Jooheon a few times, when he felt the executives were being unfair by pushing his own compositions aside but yet still giving the rapper creative freedoms; once, when Changkyun was still new to the group and being more bratty than Hoseok could handle at the time due to album stress and work overload, he’d hissed that Changkyun didn’t deserve to be there more than Yoonho and he should watch his mouth if he wanted to stay. All of these incidents had been easily forgiven, though, and nearly forgotten. He’d lost his patience with all of his bandmates, but the most he’d normally done was stomp his foot and yell. Only Hyungwon had been able to inspire a violent side in him. Hoseok doesn’t know how he feels about that.

But he can’t _hate_ Hyungwon. He’d been terrified when Hyungwon was hospitalized, immediately regretful and guilty when he’d hurt Hyungwon and driven him away. It doesn’t make him _happy_ to hurt Hyungwon; it always leaves him miserable as well. Was Minhyuk right when he accused Hoseok of being jealous? Does he feel threatened? Is that what caused him to snap? He doesn’t know, can’t figure out his own feelings. Everything feels like an ugly jumble in his chest, and he doesn’t like it.

He doesn’t want to hate Hyungwon. With the idea in his head, he’s eager to prove himself wrong. Well, eager until he actually sees Hyungwon.

It’s so hard to face him. Whenever Hoseok sees Hyungwon, Minhyuk’s and Changkyun’s words battle in his head. On one side, he knows he needs to talk to the other visual and figure things out between them; on the other, he can’t risk hurting Hyungwon again. Minhyuk had made him hopeful, but Changkyun had let him know he’d fucked up too much to go back. Changkyun had let Hoseok know that Hyungwon had loved him, and Hoseok had still hurt him. It makes everything he’d done hold so much more weight than it previously had.

And that’s not an excuse to leave it alone, to ignore Hyungwon and not address the tension between them. It isn’t an excuse to keep hurting Hyungwon. But Hoseok can’t find the courage to fix it. He doesn’t even know where to start.

In the meantime, he’s resorted to keeping himself relatively isolated. It’s better that way, he reasons. Outcasting himself is better than being outcasted by the others. As a result, he spends whatever free time he has either locked away in his studio or in the dorm when the others are out. Hoseok knows he still isn’t favored with the others right now, and it’s best for all of them if he doesn’t bother them outside of work hours—at least, that’s how he feels. He doesn’t figure his presence could have a positive impact.

However, it’s because of this self-imposed isolation that he ends up in a bit of a tight situation.

It’s one of the rare days he gets (mostly) to himself at the dorm. He’s just been lounging and listening to music, trying to destress from everything that’s been going on. The others are all out—Hoseok vaguely remembers Minhyuk telling him he was welcome to join him with Hyunwoo, Hyungwon, and Changkyun for lunch while Kihyun and Jooheon were doing something together. So he’s understandably startled when he hears a crash from outside his room later that afternoon.

The first thing his mind jumps to is thoughts of an intruder, before he realizes how unlikely that is. He still finds himself reaching for something for self-defense, comes up empty and decides to investigate nonetheless. He keeps his steps cautious and light, rounding into the kitchen and feeling both relieved and nervous to find Hyungwon crouched on the floor. He’s picking up broken pieces of ceramic; he must’ve dropped a mug. His hands visibly shake, and Hoseok worries he’s going to cut himself.

The younger visual jumps when Hoseok gently takes the other’s hands in his own to still them, the older male’s thumbs rubbing reassuring circles into Hyungwon’s skin. Hyungwon’s eyes dart up to meet Hoseok’s before dropping back down to the floor. He opens his mouth, maybe to protest or tell Hoseok off, but the pale-haired idol urges him to his feet and helps him sit up on the counter before taking the pieces of ceramic he’d picked up and throwing them away. Hoseok quietly cleans up the rest of the shattered mug with Hyungwon’s gaze on his back, the model equally silent. When Hoseok looks back at him, he finds Hyungwon leaning back against the cabinets, curled in the corner. With his bangs in his eyes and his lower lip jutted out in an unconscious pout, he looks like a little kid. Hoseok almost smiles at the image. He doesn’t, though, feeling a bit too awkward.

“I didn’t mean to break it,” Hyungwon murmurs, his airy tone barely managing to tear through the silence. Hoseok blinks back at him. The model tries again, pushing himself into a more upright position. “I didn’t mean to break your mug. It was an accident, I promise.”

Hoseok glances at the pieces of the mug in the trash bin beside him, realize they do look quite familiar. “It’s fine,” he manages out, clears his throat to make his voice stronger. “I didn’t even notice it was mine.” He glances back to Hyungwon, sees the bland look the younger male is giving him. It makes him nervous. “Um… not to be rude but, why are you home so early?”

Hyungwon shivers, curling back to the corner. “Hyunwoo-hyung didn’t want me at the studio with them.” he mutters. “He said I’ve been pushing myself too much this week already.”

“He’s not wrong,” Hoseok offers weakly. It’s obvious Hyungwon is concerned about the comeback, more than he normally is. It’s beyond the normal stress any of them feel when preparing to go back to promotions. He could say the same thing about Hyunwoo and Minhyuk, though. He hopes they hadn’t decided to use their free day to practice either.

But Hyungwon rolls his eyes, miserable. “I have to prove I’m ready or they’ll pull me from the promotions. They already want to pull me from the concept.”

The pale-haired dancer frowns. “No one said anything about pulling you from the concept.” Hyungwon doesn’t say anything to that, shrugging uncomfortably and keeping his gaze down. Hoseok leans against the opposite counter, unsure of what he should say now. The younger male doesn’t look reassured at all, but what else is there to say about it? He glances at Hyungwon, sees the way he curls forward into himself. He sighs. “Why don’t we go sit on the couch instead?”

Hyungwon looks at him strangely, but nonetheless eases himself off the kitchen counter and trudges out into the living room. Hoseok follows him, watches the younger male sit in the corner of the couch. Hoseok smiles at Hyungwon, but he knows it’s shaky. He isn’t certain about what he should do. “Is there, um, anything you need?” Hyungwon shakes his head, pulling his long legs to his chest. He looks miserable, curled up against the couch like that. Hoseok wants to wrap him in blankets or _something_. The younger visual looks like he’s on the verge of being sick, reminds Hoseok of when he himself was a child and always coming down with something. He thinks back to what his mother used to do for him when he was upset or felt ill.

The older dancer sits beside him, not too close, but Hyungwon still draws away. The pale-haired idol tries not to feel hurt by the action. He’s kind of helpless like this, able to do nothing for Hyungwon besides throw side glances when he thinks the other isn’t looking. The silence they lapse into is uncomfortable. He needs to do something, at least _say_ something. Hyungwon certainly isn’t going to initiate anything. But what can Hoseok say? What does Hyungwon want him to say?

“I overheard the managers talking,” the younger male starts suddenly, snapping Hoseok out of his thoughts. He picks absently at the frays in his jeans, pillowing his head against his arm draped across his knees. “The writers revised some concepts in the music video because of me. Because I fucked up.”

The remark takes Hoseok aback. “There’s no way they said that about you,” he finds himself vehemently denying. “The staff is understanding. They want to do what’s best for us—,”

“I’m pretty sure the staff thinks the company should go through with this comeback without me,” he interrupts. His hand resting on his leg tenses, knuckles going white. “Jinwoo-hyung is the only one who has been even a little supportive. You know—you _should_ know how stigmatized eating disorders are, especially when it comes to men. Most idols suffer quietly. I can’t even manage that.”

“You don’t need that,” Hoseok counters. “No one is going to shove you out the door for needing _help_. Our group is ready and willing to do _so much_ for you. You just have to give us something to work with.”

“I don’t think you should include yourself in that statement,” Hyungwon rolls his eyes. Hoseok winces, but he can’t argue. He hasn’t done much to prove Hyungwon wrong, after all. The younger idol sighs tiredly, hiding his face against his arm. “I know you don’t want to be here. You should just go.”

Hoseok feels that helplessness crawling back up his throat, and all he can do is nod and tentatively shift away. He looks to Hyungwon’s curled up form one more time before getting up from the couch. There’s obviously something else wrong, but Hyungwon is clearly shutting him out. Hoseok has done enough for him, right?

But it doesn’t feel right as he walks away. Hyungwon’s still upset, still miserable. This is what Minhyuk was talking about; this is him literally turning his back when Hyungwon needs someone to support him.

He can’t leave now. So he turns back around, sliding onto the couch beside Hyungwon. The other looks up at him in surprise, and Hoseok’s heart clenches at the sight of stray tears streaking down his face. He hadn’t thought about it much before, but it’s strange to see him cry so much. It used to be so rare to see him shed a tear, and he always hated crying in front of others. The stress must be overwhelming and unbearable if it’s left him like this. Hoseok reaches over, tentatively brushes away the model’s tears with his thumb. He pauses when Hyungwon flinches. Deciding that touch too intimate, Hoseok lets his arm fall, curls it around Hyungwon’s shoulders. The model goes stiff in Hoseok’s embrace, but he doesn’t protest it. The pale-haired dancer rests his hand along the base of Hyungwon’s neck. “No one else is going to be home for a while. Please let me in, just for right now. What’s hurting you, Hyungwonnie, what’s wrong?”

Hyungwon looks so plainly miserable. He’s upset and shaky, and so defeated. Hoseok tries to keep his expression soft and open, trusting. The brunet is quiet for several moments, and Hoseok silently reassures him. They sit like that, Hoseok losing hope that the other will open up to him with every second that passes, but then Hyungwon finally releases a shaky sigh, head lolling against the other’s shoulder. “It’s so hard, Hoseok. Everyone keeps saying they want to help me, but no one listens to what I want. How can they help if they don’t _listen_?”

“What do you want?” Hoseok murmurs. He shifts to allow Hyungwon to curl into his side, his free hand brushing the brunet’s bangs out of his eyes.

The younger male limply falls against him. “I just want to practice right now. I just want to _do_ something. Hyunwoo thinks it’s bad for me, that I’m hurting myself. But it’s helping, it’s keeping me from doing worse things—I’m going to do something worse.” He chokes out a sound that resembles a frustrated sob. “I can’t sit here and be useless. I feel so sick.”

Hoseok’s jaw clenches as he suppresses a shudder. Suddenly he feels like he’s walked into something he isn’t qualified to deal with. “You’re anxious,” he amends, stoking his thumb along the short hairs at the nape of Hyungwon’s neck.

“I don’t want to… to deal with it like _that_ ,” the model mumbles. “Not right now. Not when you’re here, and I know I’ll get in trouble. A-and Minhyuk bought lunch, I can’t—I can’t do that,” He’s starting to ramble, pull back into his own head away from Hoseok. But the pale-haired idol just listens, keeps an arm secured around his shoulders. The least he can try to do is hold him through this bout of anxiety. “But I’m so nauseous now, I don’t have anything else to get rid of all this nervous energy, I’m really—,” Hoseok feels a tremble rush through Hyungwon’s lanky frame as another sudden sob breaks from his chest. “I’m sick, I’m so _sick_.”

“No, no,” Hoseok brushes a hand down Hyungwon’s back, squeezes his shoulder. “You’re not sick, Hyungwonnie, you’re just having a hard time right now.”

“It’s not just ‘right now’,” Hyungwon argues. “I can’t even remember the last time I felt happy, or even just _okay_. It’s always there, always _festering_ until I can’t hold back anymore. It _always_ hurts.”

“What’s gonna make you feel better, Hyungwon-ah? What’s gonna make this all stop hurting?” Hoseok asks him. “Tell me what I can do for you.”

“ _You_ can’t do anything,” Hyungwon lashes out. “How can you help when all you’ve done is hurt me? Why do you even care? You _hate_ me, don’t you?”

The pale-haired idol feels his heart stutter in his chest. “I told you I never meant that,” he says, an edge of desperation to his tone that surprises himself. He shakes it off as best he can. “I never meant the awful things I said to you. I… I think we need to talk about… that night, and—,”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Hyungwon says, pushes Hoseok back. “I don’t want to hear about how you hate me. Can’t you tell that I can’t handle that right now?”

Hoseok looks at him, and that desperation collects into a heavy rock in the pit of his stomach. “I promise I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” he tries. “We can’t—can’t _not_ talk about it.”

The model looks at him, eyes filled with nothing but pain and uncertainty. He’s sizing up Hoseok’s sincerity. The older male tries to give him nothing but honesty. “Fine,” Hyungwon says quietly. “Tell me why you hurt me.”

No matter how many times he tries, Hoseok can’t come up with a complete answer to that question. There’s a beat of silence as Hoseok tries to shuffle his thoughts together. He owes it to Hyungwon to be as honest as possible. But how can he when he can’t be honest with _himself_ about it? Even so, he has to try. “I… I felt hurt.” He swallows, unable to meet Hyungwon’s disbelieving gaze. “I felt like Minhyuk was choosing you over me, and that you were hiding something from me. I… In that moment, all I wanted was to hurt you, even if I had to lie. I wanted you to be honest with me, get mad, so I tried to push you to that point. But even then, you still tried to save my feelings…” He swallows thickly, guilt overcoming him again. God, he fucked up so bad. “It wasn’t because I hated you, I just… I dunno. I felt out of control, and I wanted some back.”

“Control, huh…” the model mumbles, and suddenly he looks so exhausted. “I guess I should have realized how important being in control is to you.”

The statement strikes the older male strangely. “Don’t say it like that,” he denies, a bit choked.

Hyungwon gives him a stressed look. “How else can I take it? I do things you don’t like, and you shove me around for it. You just want me to learn my lesson, right? Stop stepping out of line?” He sneers, an edge of hurt to his tone, “I’m not doing what I should be doing, right? What are you gonna do next time I don’t do what you want?” Hyungwon looks at him, at there’s _fear_ there. He’s _scared_ of Hoseok. The pale-haired idol feels nausea twist harshly in his stomach at the implication that he could do worse than he’s already done—and that maybe Hyungwon _expects_ him to.

“I’m not going to do anything, I promise,” Hoseok begs him to understand. “I know I hurt you in the past, but that was because I was frustrated and not thinking about what I was doing. I _know_ I was awful to you, and I’m trying to fix it—just please tell me what I can do.”

“What am I supposed to say?” Hyungwon returns, tone flat. “I don’t know if there’s anything you _can_ do.”

Hoseok feels cold, hollow. “Then… What does that mean for us? What do we do now?”

Hyungwon shrugs, rubs his eyes tiredly. “I don’t know. I don’t know what we are right now, and I don’t know what’s left of our relationship that we can even save.”

Those words hit Hoseok hard. Through everything he had said and done, everything that had happened, he never considered that he’d _lose_ Hyungwon entirely, that his actions could hurt him so badly that he didn’t even want to be so much as _friends_ anymore. The thought is enough to make him feel sick. “No, I…” His hands shake. He can’t accept this. There has to be something he can say to connect with Hyungwon again. “Changkyun said you love me,” he blurts out, grasping for anything he can hold onto, drag Hyungwon back to him.

But that doesn’t elicit even close to the response Hoseok wants as Hyungwon shakes his head. “Changkyun wanted to hurt you,” the model tells him with a scoff, and something in the older male’s stomach twists with panic, hurt. “He wanted you to feel bad for what you did—and it obviously worked.”

“I already felt bad,” Hoseok insists weakly. “Why can’t you believe me? What else can I do?”

“Stop pitying _yourself_ ,” Hyungwon says sharply. “Can’t you see it through my point of view? I’m so tired of you _whining_ because _you’re_ hurt. Can’t it be about me? _Shouldn’t_ it be about me?”

That strikes Hoseok silent—because it’s true, this isn’t supposed to be about him. Hoseok isn’t being fair. Although he’s apologized several times, he hasn’t exactly made it about Hyungwon; it’s still been him trying to save face, salvage relationships and his own self-image.

Hyungwon sighs, backs up into the corner of the couch. “Just… Be there for me, okay? You haven’t even tried.”

Hoseok nods slowly, draws back to his own side of the couch. “I’m sorry,” he says again, voice small and meek. “I-I just… I don’t know how to do that.”

“You can start by not being so avoidant,” the younger male offers. “Really, it feels more like you hate me when you can’t seem to stand being in the same room as me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Hoseok repeats quickly, shrinks into himself sheepishly when Hyungwon gives him a wry, pointed look. “I really don’t, I just… I thought space would be a good thing for us.”

“It was for a little while,” Hyungwon agrees, “But it would be nice to know that you… after everything, and after my hospitalization, that you’re on my side? Because we’ll suffer if you… if you avoid my recovery.” He says the last part slowly, eyes glancing down to his lap embarrassedly. Hoseok shivers.

He reaches for Hyungwon, but stops halfway. Hyungwon looks at him nervously, and Hoseok gives him a sympathetic look. “I’m not ashamed of you, Hyungwon-ah. I promise—this wasn’t about your eating disorder or anything like that. I just… couldn’t face you after what Changkyun said. I was afraid of hurting you again.”

“It hurts more for you to avoid me right now,” Hyungwon admits. “I just… wanna go back to how we were. Is that okay? Can we just… I dunno, take it back before all this happened and be normal with each other? Just, forget what I did, and what Changkyun said. I don’t wanna… think about feelings and relationships and everything else right now. You did some things we can’t just ignore, but we can get over it, eventually. Right now, I just want you to be my Hyung again.” He reaches over to extend his hand, brushes it against Hoseok’s outstretched one.

“It’s not too late for that?” Hoseok asks, not wanting to get his hopes up. “I… I know we can’t forget about that stuff I did. But I’d like to pull down the barriers between us. We’ll… we can only try to heal from here. I won’t avoid this anymore—I promise.”

Hyungwon nods, pulls away from the pale-haired idol again. “I know... we can’t be the same as we were, not so quickly. Too much happened for that. But right now, I’d just appreciate having your friendship again. I need your support.”

Hoseok nods, swallows dryly. “Yeah… yeah. I can do that. I will.”

And for the first time in so long, longer than Hoseok can say, Hyungwon gives him a genuine, though small, hopeful smile. “Thank you, Hoseok.”

He turns away then, reaches for the TV remote and turns on some variety show. Hoseok watches him curl comfortably into the corner of the couch, turning his attention away from Hoseok and solely to the TV. Hoseok feels almost lightheaded with the relief that conversation brings, the knowledge that he still has a chance. There’s still pain there, the hollowness not quite alleviated, but it’s a start. Hyungwon promises they won’t be the same, but they could be, if Hoseok keeps his promises. He swears, right then, he isn’t going to fuck it up this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry updates are taking so long. my mental health is taking a dive, and it's hard to sit and write :/  
> i hope you enjoyed :')


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> belated happy holidays everyone!! this is the second christmas update i've posted for this story :') i hope you all had a good holiday!

Minhyuk isn’t sure what he intended to accomplish when he approached Hoseok. Whatever it was, he didn’t achieve it. The dancer somehow manages to become even more evasive and dodgy: He stops coming back to the dorm every night, doesn’t talk much during the times he has to be with the others. Minhyuk didn’t want to push him away; if anything, he wanted to encourage him back into the group. He tries to help Hoseok fit back in with the others, but the older male shuts him out too. There’s only so much Minhyuk can do to help him; it’s up to Hoseok to take his offered hand and pull himself back up. Until then, Minhyuk can only keep extending that hand to him.

Still, Minhyuk hates that the other visual is so _stubborn_.

He mulls this over to himself as he sits in Changkyun’s studio with the maknae. They were supposed to be enjoying a day off, but the managers wanted to talk to Hyunwoo back at the studio. He’d been out to lunch with the other two members and Hyungwon; they’d all offered to go with him, but Hyunwoo had sent Hyungwon home when he suggested fitting in extra practice time. That left Changkyun and Minhyuk alone waiting for Hyunwoo.

Changkyun had been strangely quiet since Hyungwon had broken off from the group. He’d been lively with the younger visual at his side, but now he keeps his mouth shut and back to Minhyuk, who sits behind him while he works on one of his side projects.

Well, Minhyuk wants to say it’s strange, but he’s not stupid. He knows Changkyun is severing his relationship with the older two visuals in response to the mess they’ve made. And to an extent, that’s fair enough, but it’s not like it’s Changkyun’s problem to deal with. Even Hyungwon isn’t taking it as hard as the maknae is. Hyungwon’s trying to move on; Changkyun clearly wants to punish the older members.

It’s tiring. Minhyuk just wants to make amends—and he shouldn’t owe anything to Changkyun.

This situation shouldn’t involve Changkyun. He appreciates the rapper being there for Hyungwon, but it doesn’t help anyone for him to give the cold shoulder to the other visuals when he hasn’t bothered to talk anything out. This isn’t even his business.

But Minhyuk isn’t going to get upset with him, because that’s only going to make it worse. The only thing he can do is try to find some common ground with him and try to smooth things over.                                                                                                                                                           

“Yah, Changkyunnie,” he calls, leaning forward on his knees. Changkyun’s posture tenses, but nonetheless he slowly turns his head in Minhyuk’s direction, though not fully. Minhyuk bites his lip thoughtfully. “Come on, I think we need to have a little talk.”

The maknae looks like he wants to do anything but follow the other’s suggestion, but he reluctantly swivels his chair around. “You wanna talk about Hyungwon, don’t you?” he mutters, giving Minhyuk a closed-off look. It’s almost an eerie recreation of the talk he had with Hoseok. But Changkyun isn’t hesitant nor upset; honestly, he just looks like he’s above it, above talking to Minhyuk about this. “I’m not gonna help you make up with him. I don’t think you deserve that yet.”

“Maybe I don’t,” Minhyuk shrugs. “But I wanna talk about you.”

Changkyun’s head tilts to the side, giving the vocalist that blank look he gets when he’s thinking. He seems uncomfortable when he slouches back and gestures for Minhyuk to continue. The older male gives him a small, reassuring smile, but it doesn’t help the tension settling between them. The rapper looks at him with a suspicious scowl, and Minhyuk knows he’s itching to turn back to his computer. But it’s important to talk; the two of them have no reason to be on such bad terms. “We need to clear the air,” Minhyuk tells him. “We should be on the same side here, right?”

The younger male glances away, pursing his lips in a frustrated look. “Of course we’re not on the same side,” Changkyun scoffs lowly. “I’m trying to help Hyungwon—you’ve been ignoring him until it stopped being convenient.”

Minhyuk frowns. “I never… That makes no sense, I never ignored him, and it was never something _convenient_.”

Changkyun’s jaw clenches. “I’ve been here for Hyungwon this whole time. I know what you’ve been doing to him. Your intentions don’t matter after everything that’s happened. You’re still hurting him.”

The visual bites down on the inside of his lip. He’s tired of hearing that, whether it’s true or not. “I’m trying my best,” he replies measuredly. “I’m as focused on his recovery as you are. I don’t know how to make you believe me. I have his best interests in mind.”

“You can’t because you don’t,” Changkyun replies. “Is that all you wanted to say?”

Minhyuk swallows back a noise of frustration. “Why do you think I want to hurt him?”

“I don’t think you _want_ to hurt him,” Changkyun denies, lowering his gaze. “I just don’t think you want to do anything to help him.” When he looks back up, gazes directly at Minhyuk across the room, his eyes are intense, yet lacking any emotion Minhyuk can latch onto. He’s disinterested in this conversation. “If you really cared about Hyungwon, you would tell him the truth, instead of stringing him along on a lie.”

Minhyuk blinks, taken aback. “I haven’t lied to him,” he defends, confused. “When—when have I ever lied to him?”

The rapper leans back, crossing his arms over his lap. “You keep telling him you love him,” he says, and Minhyuk already feels protests rising up his throat. Changkyun stops him before he can voice any. “Don’t bait him into thinking it’s just gonna work out between you and him and Hoseok. Someone’s going to get hurt, and you’re setting him up to get broken.”

The words feel heavy as they settle on Minhyuk’s chest. It doesn’t seem right. “I’m not setting him up… Look, Changkyun, I really do want it to work out between the three of us—and it can, if that’s what he wants—,”

“It’s not what Hoseok wants,” Changkyun points out.

“Hoseok…” Minhyuk swallows thickly. “He doesn’t know what he wants.”

“If Hyungwon doesn’t want you, would you say the same thing?”

The visual’s mouth tightens in annoyance. “ _No_ —Hoseok _told me_ he doesn’t know. I’d drop it if he said no.”

“Well,” Changkyun says with a shrug. “I think it’d be best if you backed off and let Hyungwon move on without you breathing down his neck.”

That statement freezes Minhyuk in place, a sharp ache forming in his chest. He can’t let go of Hyungwon. He’d been unsuccessful for years already. That had to mean something, right? And it’s not like Minhyuk is hurting Hyungwon now that he understands his feelings… _right_?

Now that it’s pushed in his face like this, he reflects that he hasn’t been so faultless. Maybe he is a bit overbearing; maybe it was unfair to push his feelings on Hyungwon time and time again when he never properly reacted to them. Even if Hyungwon possibly returned his feelings… it isn’t helpful to keep pushing for an answer, even if that wasn’t his intention. Maybe his presence is more weighing on Hyungwon than helpful—maybe Minhyuk is clinging too hard. Hyungwon doesn’t shy away from Minhyuk, but he isn’t sure Hyungwon _chooses_ to be with him either.

“Hyung doesn’t need you,” Changkyun tells him, boring into him with that watchful gaze he gets. Now Minhyuk can’t look at him.

But the statement doesn’t sit right. “He needs me,” Minhyuk denies. “He needs Hoseok too—just as much as he needs you or Hyunwoo-hyung or anyone else.”

“ _No_ ,” Changkyun says, forcefully correcting Minhyuk. “He _doesn’t_ need you or Hoseok. He doesn’t _want_ you.”

Minhyuk can’t help but frown at the younger brunet, taken aback by his vehemence. “Why are you being so hostile?”

“Because you don’t deserve anything better,” the rapper answers. “Even if Hyung forgives you so easily, I won’t. I’m not going to let you hurt him again. He won’t be able to handle that. You know you and Hoseok made him feel worthless? Hoseok _bullied_ him into thinking the group didn’t want him anymore. He turned Hyungwon into this shell of himself. And _you_ did nothing to help.” He says this as matter-of-factly as he can manage, but Minhyuk is still taken aback by it.

He looks at Changkyun in disbelief. “Wh-what’s gotten into you?” This isn’t like Changkyun. The maknae doesn’t hold grudges, and he doesn’t lash out like this. He doesn’t do _this_. This… this is off.

Changkyun huffs out a tired breath, shaking his head. “What’s gotten into _you_?” he throws back. “Hyungwon has given you both too many chances. I’m making sure neither of you take advantage of that. And if the only way to do that is to be ‘hostile’ and keep you away from him when he won’t protect himself, I’ll do it.”

Minhyuk stares at him in mute shock. “You—you can’t _do_ that,” he tries to say, but Changkyun hardly looks impressed. He presses, “You realize how controlling that sounds, don’t you? You can’t do that to our group.”

“It’s not controlling,” Changkyun argues. “This wouldn’t be an issue if you weren’t so horrible to the people you supposedly love. _You’re_ the one pushing people to their breaking points.”

“ _What_ —?”

“Hyungwon isn’t the only one you’ve hurt here.” Changkyun interrupts. “You know you’ve been leading Hoseok on here, right? You’ve been pulling him along, and yet you’re still pining for Hyungwon. So what if you love them both and want to date them both? Did you ever tell _Hoseok_ that? Or did you stay quiet, make promises to him that you broke, and then do nothing when he finally snapped at Hyungwon?”

“Stop it,” Minhyuk tries to stay measured, but his voice wavers.

“So you didn’t tell Hoseok you love him, and then kept quiet about loving Hyungwon until Hoseok worked himself up into a jealous frenzy?”

“You _know_ I didn’t do that on purpose,” the vocalist shakes his head, but he can’t deny that he did those things. He _did_ keep his feelings for Hyungwon a secret from Hoseok, and he didn’t do anything to reassure Hoseok that he didn’t love Hyungwon more than him. Would it have been different if Minhyuk expressed his interest in dating them both to Hoseok? Even so, it’s hard to feel responsible when he’d never acted on his feelings for Hyungwon. The most he did was try to support Hyungwon when he found out about the younger visual’s struggles. “I never did anything to purposefully make Hoseok jealous.”

“He wasn’t wrong, though.” Changkyun shrugs. “You did something to make him think you like Hyungwon more than him, or at least just as much. And, like I said, he wasn’t wrong, so his reaction wasn’t exactly irrational. You couldn’t have just told him you love both of them? You had to let him think his position as your boyfriend was being threatened? You should know more than me just how insecure he is.” He gives Minhyuk a critical look. “Do you actually love Hoseok?”

“ _Yes_ ,” he snaps, then clenches his jaw to tide his frustration. “I never _used_ him, okay? Don’t make me out to be some horrible manipulator when I didn’t _do_ anything.” These accusations are going to drive him crazy—especially when the more he hears them, the more he starts to wonder if he really is as bad as Changkyun makes him sound. “I love Hoseok, I love Hyungwon. I never wanted to hurt either of them. That’s why I kept my mouth shut—I knew it wouldn’t work out, and I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. It wasn’t out of bad intentions. I’m sorry I let it get out of hand and hurt them both. I wish I could fix it.”

He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. He doesn’t know why he deserves this blame from Changkyun. Do the others feel the same way? Does Hyungwon blame him too? Maybe he does deserve it.

Changkyun levels him with a long, quiet look. He seems to be appraising Minhyuk’s sincerity. Finally, he seems to relax, dropping his cold front. Warmth returns to his eyes as the frigidness melts away, as if only letting Minhyuk in now that he’s broken him down. “You can fix it,” he murmurs. “You just… You have to accept that you can’t have them both. You can’t have Hyungwon, especially not if you want Hoseok too. Just be happy with Hoseok and let Hyungwon move on to someone who can take care of him.”

It hurts so bad to think of letting go. “I could take care of him,” he finds himself protesting weakly.

The rapper shakes his head. “You lost that chance when you tried to play a neutral side. Hyungwon can’t trust you.” That especially hurts, ringing similar to something Hyungwon had already told him. It’s true; the younger visual doesn’t trust Minhyuk, not fully. “He still loves you, Hyung, he just can’t love you the way you want him to. And it’s best if you let someone more capable of taking care of him help him.”

Minhyuk’s eyes narrow, and he looks at Changkyun as blankly as he can. “Are you that ‘more capable’ person?”

Changkyun hardly blinks, unimpressed. “Of course. I’ve been supporting him this whole time. I know best what he needs.”

The visual and the rapper stare each other down for several moments as Minhyuk reaches an understanding. He gets it now, why Changkyun has been such a guard dog to the younger visual, why no one else’s feelings matter in his eyes. “You love him too, don’t you?”

He’s quiet for another few moments, dropping eye contact with the older brunet. Eventually he nods, bobbing his head slowly before gaining confidence. “Yeah, I do. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone before him. But,” his gaze darts up before falling again. “That doesn’t affect what I said.”

But it does affect what he said—it affects everything. It makes Minhyuk understand why Changkyun had been so protective towards Hyungwon, explosive and mean towards Minhyuk and Hoseok. The worry and watching over and defending and constant hovering—Minhyuk gets it. “Does Hyungwon know?”

The younger idol takes a deep breath, clearly uncomfortable. “I haven’t told him, but…” he swallows dryly, squirms in his seat. In another situation, Minhyuk might laugh at how quickly the tables have turned. But he doesn’t, partially because he doesn’t really want to embarrass the boy over this right now, but also because his behavior hasn’t been something to laugh at. “No, I guess he probably doesn’t know. He might, though.”

Minhyuk nods slowly, chooses his next words carefully. “Changkyun-ah, do you think… it might be better if someone who doesn’t have feelings for Hyungwon helps him recover—like Hyunwoo or Kihyun?”

Changkyun frowns. “No,” he answers without hesitation, firm. “They don’t understand him like I do. No one else knows where his mind is at. I’m the only one who understands.”

The vocalist shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s as true as you want it to be,” he tells the maknae. “But honestly, Hyungwon needs a big support net. It’s not fair to say that only you can support him when he needs all of us.”

“I’ve been taking care of him this whole time,” Changkyun argues, and Minhyuk can see the way he struggles to keep from going visibly tense. “I’ve been his shoulder to lean on, and I’ve protected him and did my best to make sure he’s safe. And _like I said_ , I’ll keep him away from anyone I think is a threat to his recovery.”

“Do you know how you sound right now?” Minhyuk asks him.

“I don’t care,” Changkyun rolls his eyes. “I don’t care if you think it sounds bad. I just can’t stand to watch him get hurt again. He deserves better than that—better than what you can give him.”

“It’s not a competition,” Minhyuk tries to tell him, a bit incredulous. “Changkyun-ah, you’re right that you’ve been there for him, and I see how he looks to you when he needs that comfort and stability. But you can’t make that decision for Hyungwon.”

The words don’t seem to go through to Changkyun, who brushes it off dismissively. Minhyuk doesn’t get the opportunity to press the conversation, though, as there’s a knock at the door and Hyunwoo is poking his head in. “Ready to go?” he asks. Changkyun immediately gets up, nodding his agreement, and that’s it. Minhyuk presses his lips together in a thin line, but attempts a smile when he meets Hyunwoo’s eyes. If Hyunwoo notices the tension between the two younger members, he doesn’t say anything. They walk back without much conversation, Hyunwoo talking a bit with Minhyuk and Changkyun keeping to himself.

They get back to the dorm, and it’s almost as quiet as they left it, only hearing the TV coming from the main room. However, Minhyuk is surprised to find Hyungwon and Hoseok sitting together on opposite ends of the couch. They aren’t facing each other or even within reach, but it’s strange to see them in the same room of the otherwise empty dorm. Minhyuk looks on at the scene with wide eyes, feeling like it’s a moment in time worth capturing.

But then Hoseok glances over at the noise of their arrival, quickly gets up from his seat, and the moment is over. Hyungwon perks up too, and Minhyuk catches Changkyun smiling at him from his peripherals. Hyungwon shifts his position, and the rapper takes that as his invitation to sit against the vocalist. The visual rests his head on the younger male’s shoulder. Hoseok gives them this fleeting look, and Minhyuk can see the regret there, the forlornness. It’s still there when he turns his gaze to Minhyuk.

“Did you have a good time?” he asks, voice tentative, vulnerable. Minhyuk musters a smile, nods. Hoseok relaxes as he offers a smile back.

There’s relief in the way Hyunwoo steps into the room, towards Hoseok. “Thank you,” he murmurs. Hoseok looks at him in surprise, nods. Hyunwoo grins. Louder, he says, “Let’s stay in tonight. I’ll buy delivery for everyone.”

“Hyung’s the coolest,” Changkyun cheers.

Hyungwon peers up at their leader, a small smile on his face as well. “Sounds good to me, we should stay in and rest.” He’s relaxed, eased. Minhyuk can’t help but wonder what happened between him and Hoseok.

“We always have a good time all together,” Minhyuk echoes, and Hyungwon turns a grin towards him. Hyunwoo draws his attention back as he sits down on Changkyun’s other side.

The atmosphere in the room is warm, friendly. It’s been too long since Minhyuk has felt this way with his group. It’s relieving, after so much time. He walks over to Hoseok, curls into his side. The older visual startles, but he wraps a careful arm around the dark-haired idol’s waist. Hoseok’s smiling, but it isn’t as relaxed as it was before. Maybe it’s time. Minhyuk leans in close to his ear, whispers as quietly as he can, “Can we talk?”

Hoseok tenses—but he nods. “Yeah. I think… I’ve got some things I need to talk to you about. But—later?” He leans back, inclines his head towards the others. Minhyuk nods. They’ll relax for now, a break from the stress they’ve imposed on themselves. He looks over, catches the look Hyungwon is giving them, silently inviting them to join. He decides to drag Hoseok down onto the crowded couch, ignoring Changkyun’s whining and making himself comfortable.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey what's up you guys, yes, i'm a piece of shit for not updating. but i seriously had no inspo or motivation or ability to write until like. yesterday. school sucks.  
> this chapter probably isn't that great bc it's just. talking and set up for later, and i also wrote some of it during my slump lol. i did some rewriting, but i just wanna move on. so sorry if it's rushed :(  
> anyway i dedicate this chapter to [the neighborhood's afraid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09CXboG8u3I) bc i had no inspo until i found that song. i'll let you decide what part of this chapter it influenced lol.

There’s added tension in the dorm following the day of confrontations. The three visuals and the maknae have been scrambled. Changkyun finds confidence from his talk with Minhyuk, no longer seeing a threat in the mood-maker; Minhyuk becomes defensive— _jealous_ even, in Changkyun’s eyes. Hyungwon allows himself to open up more with the others, takes the support he needs and doesn’t hesitate; Hoseok is… _off_ , but there’s something there, Changkyun can see he’s trying.

The dynamic has changed. Changkyun sees it as progress. Minhyuk and Hoseok are realizing their places, figuring out what they need to do. Hyungwon is finding his footing, and he’s doing it without the older visuals. He’s making progress finding emotional stability without them, and Changkyun is so happy for him.

However, Changkyun has been wary of Hoseok since he’d come back to the dorm and found him and Hyungwon together. It isn’t possessive, though. It’s just concern.

Hoseok is a bully. He isn’t getting the attention he wants, and he’s been blaming and hurting Hyungwon because of it. If he really loved Hyungwon, he wouldn’t have lashed out in ways that damaged the younger visual so badly. But their confrontations alone always end badly, and the rapper just wants to make sure Hyungwon is okay.

Changkyun isn’t possessive; he’s _loyal_. Hyungwon’s health and safety is something he’s very concerned about. Of course he would be wary to let the visual’s biggest stressors near him. It’s not possessive. Changkyun only wants to keep Hyungwon in one piece until he can stand on his own. His own feelings don’t change his intentions. Minhyuk is just jealous.

Maybe Changkyun was a bit harsh when he’d told Minhyuk off for being too selfish. But he had a point to prove, and he wasn’t going to get through to Minhyuk by being nice. That wasn’t how these things worked. Minhyuk wouldn’t be able to fix his friendship with Hyungwon if he kept clinging to his belief that they’d end up together in the end. Even if unintentional, that kind of mindset would only put unneeded pressure on Hyungwon, stress that he didn’t need. Minhyuk needed to realize that before he hurt their relationship even more. Their friendship can be salvaged, but the rapper _knows_ they can’t be anything more than that.

He’s trying to keep Hyungwon from getting hurt, but it isn’t Changkyun’s intention to isolate him. He’s isolating _threats_. For the sole reason that Minhyuk can't let go of his toxic feelings (dangerous to himself as well as Hyungwon), Changkyun deems him a bigger threat worth isolating.

He isn't the most active threat, however. No, the most active threat most worth isolating is Hoseok.

Hyungwon is clearly negatively affected by every encounter he shares with Hoseok. It's become rare for these encounters to _not_ be followed up with an instance of Hyungwon hurting himself. There was a point in which Hyungwon was legitimately _afraid_ of Hoseok—afraid of what he would say, of what he would _do_. It tears Changkyun to pieces to see Hyungwon so broken by someone so stupidly selfish; he doesn't want a repeat of the hotel incident, nor the practice room incident.

But truthfully, he didn't think he'd have to worry about Hyungwon and Hoseok—after all, since Hyungwon had been back from the hospital, no one had been better at keeping the two visuals apart than Hoseok himself. He avoided Hyungwon like the plague.

So it was surprising, to say the least, to find the two visuals together, seeming amiable (at least in Hyungwon's case; Hoseok more looked like he'd been caught doing something wrong when he'd met Minhyuk's eyes). Hyungwon had seemed quiet and placated for the rest of the day, but not upset to any degree. He kept to Changkyun's side, though, but he didn't move when Hoseok tentatively sat next to him during dinner (Changkyun even caught him carefully moving food from his own plate onto Hoseok's when the other was distracted, but he didn't say anything).

Past that day, Hyungwon doesn't look at Hoseok in fear anymore. He isn't longing nor adoring like he used to be, but he isn't scared. Hoseok doesn't look at Hyungwon the same either: Instead of the anger or the jealousy or the regret that used to cloud the older visual's gaze, there's a certain eagerness there, a drive to mend his mistakes. As much of a relief it is that Hoseok seems to understand his position now, the situation isn’t fixed (he doesn’t quite act on it, eager but too awkward). It doesn’t erase the circumstances around the visuals. Changkyun doesn't want Hoseok pushing Hyungwon for anything he doesn't want or isn't ready for. Hyungwon doesn’t need Hoseok trying to push the relationship _Minhyuk_ wants on the younger visual. Hyungwon doesn’t need false affection.

Changkyun is afraid of Hoseok’s intentions. He needs to know if his worries are founded.

He doesn’t get time completely alone with the model until just before promotions start. It’s actually Hyungwon who searches him out, pulls him into their room when Hyunwoo is out. Changkyun doesn’t know what to think of the coy smile Hyungwon gives him as he closes the door behind them. “We should have a little talk,” he says, taking Changkyun’s wrist loosely between his fingers. It’s late, they’ve been working nonstop, and they should be resting as much as they can, but the rapper can’t say no. Hyungwon leads him over to Changkyun’s bunk, sits them down. The maknae feels nervous suddenly, but Hyungwon doesn’t look upset or serious—contrary, he looks amused.

“So,” he starts, “I hear you’ve been telling my dirty little secrets.” Changkyun’s stomach drops, and his guilt must show on his face as Hyungwon settles back. “Relax, I’m not mad or anything. I actually think I should thank you for it.”

That catches the rapper off guard. “Thank me?” he repeats, not understanding. “What for?”

Hyungwon nods. “I don’t know what your intention was, if you thought it would help somehow or if you thought they should know or whatever, but it definitely changed something—for the better, I think. I think it helped them see a different side of things, especially Hoseok. I talked to him a little bit, and he seemed a lot more willing to see things my way and try new things. I’m… I’m hopeful that things will be easier.”

Changkyun nods slowly, tries not to let his disappointment show. “That’s—I’m—I’m happy for you, Hyung,” he manages out, keeps his voice steady and upbeat. After all the bravado he’d put up to Minhyuk, Hyungwon ended up in Hoseok’s hands anyway. When the rapper had blurted out the spilled secret, he didn’t think it would _help_ them. He considered that it might help _Hyungwon_ if the others understood, but he didn’t think it would push the three of them together—mostly he’d thought Hyungwon would be smarter than that. Changkyun wanted to hurt Minhyuk and Hoseok, and instead he helped them get something they didn’t deserve.

No—he can’t just let it lie. He can’t give up just because Hyungwon is still disillusioned by this dream he’d created of the three of them. He can’t just waver at the first sign of resistance. What help is he if he lets Hyungwon fall back into the same traps again and again? He has to speak up. “Actually, Hyung, I think—,”

He gets cut off by the model grabbing his hand and squeezing it. The visual gives him a strange look, long and pressed, and Changkyun can only stare back with wide eyes. Hyungwon takes a deep breath and drops the rapper’s hand. They sit in quiet for another few beats before Hyungwon is leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Changkyun’s shoulder. “I told Hoseok I don’t love him.”

The rapper stays very still, taking a moment to process everything. The tension drains from his posture, but he isn’t entirely relaxed. Although he should be happy to hear Hyungwon denying Hoseok the satisfaction of taking advantage of him, he’s a touch wary. “Why?” he asks softly, a little afraid of the answer. Hyungwon doesn’t like confrontation, but he won’t tell such a bold-faced lie just to get out of it. He prefers to straighten out misunderstandings and miscommunications. He has to have another reason for lying, more than just getting out of an awkward conversation.

Hyungwon’s shoulders hunch, and the line of his back reads nothing but vulnerability and stress. Any trace of the relaxed atmosphere is completely gone. Changkyun is confused by the turns this conversation is taking, can’t figure out the intention behind it. Hyungwon sighs. “It’s just… There’s no point. He’s so confused, I can’t expect him to deal with that rationally. He doesn’t love me like that, I know that, so there’s no use pushing feelings on him. It wouldn’t make anything better.” Changkyun supposes he should be happy with that answer—happy that Hyungwon is pulling away his feelings and letting himself heal properly. But somehow it doesn’t feel right. It feels like Hyungwon is keeping something from him. But he won’t push for details; Hyungwon can tell him when and if he wants.

“It’s okay to be honest, though,” he says absently. “It’s okay to say you used to have feelings.”

The other shrugs. “I don’t really want to make him… unhappy? It’s just gonna make him shitty if he knows. I’m done with dealing with that from him. Genuinely, I want things to go back to normal with him and Minhyuk. If I’d had a choice, I wouldn’t have talked to him until he could get over himself. But I had to lie to keep him from saying things he didn’t mean.”

That peaks Changkyun’s interest. “You didn’t have a choice?” he repeats, and Hyungwon slouches.

“He kind of… caught me at a bad time. I wouldn’t have looked for him if he hadn’t found me.”

“Why did you talk to him at all?” he asks, keeping his voice quiet as he reaches up to brush Hyungwon’s hair aside. That’s the main thing he’d wanted to know—why Hyungwon talked to Hoseok in the first place. Hyungwon had been taking an obvious stance not to be alone with the other visuals; what made him stop?

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything for a long time. There’s several moments of nothing, no sound nor movement from either idol. And then Hyungwon pulls back, looks up at Changkyun with something like nervousness. “I was anxious, and… and you weren’t there.”

“Oh, Hyung…” Changkyun takes one of the vocalist’s hands in his again, squeezes it reassuringly. “I would have been there if you told me. I’ll always be there if you need me.”

“I can’t…” Hyungwon shakes his head, stressed. “You’re already with me so much, I can’t take more of your time. And you wanted to work…” He pushes out a slow breath, looking so tired. “I can’t keep burdening you.”

“You’re not a burden,” Changkyun gently assures, brushing his thumb over Hyungwon’s knuckles. “I want to support you. I want to be here for you. That’s my choice. I’m happy to help you, Hyung.”

Hyungwon leans into him again, and this time Changkyun turns to let him sink against his chest. The rapper knows how taxing the constant stress is on Hyungwon. Even when he’s happy or when he puts on an optimistic front, he’s still hurting underneath it.

He thinks Hyungwon should be pulled from this round of promotions, just to ease his stress some, but he knows that would crush Hyungwon. He would hate himself for disappointing their fans, for making the company think he’s unfit for work. Even if he needs the break, Hyungwon would never want it.

“I just want things to go back to how they were,” Hyungwon mumbles. “I hate that… just seeing Minhyuk makes me nauseous. I’m still _scared_ of Hoseok. The others all treat me like I’m broken, and that hurts.” He lets out a stuttering breath, and Changkyun wraps an arm around his hunched back, rubs the sharp line of his spine. “You’re always so sweet to me. I don’t deserve it, but I’m so grateful.”

“I told you, Hyung, you deserve the world,” the maknae reminds, chest tight. Hyungwon doesn’t respond, just sinks in Changkyun’s arms. He’s exhausted, Changkyun can tell, and it’d be best for him to sleep. “Come on, let’s go to bed. You need to rest, you’ll be tired tomorrow.”

The model sighs, shifts to lie down on Changkyun’s bed. “Can I stay with you?” he murmurs, peering up at the rapper with big, sleepy eyes.

Changkyun hesitates, but he nods, watches Hyungwon push himself back against the wall. The visual reaches for the rapper, urges him to lie down with him. Hyungwon stretches out beside him, lying on his side, and huffs a laugh at the how stiff the maknae seems. “C’mon, don’t act like we haven’t done this before,” he teases. That doesn’t help anything, but Changkyun makes an effort to relax.

It’s awkward now, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because things with Hyungwon are starting to feel more _real_. When this started, when Changkyun first started instigating more intimate contact, it felt so surreal that it didn’t matter. Nothing about it was real, simply giving and taking the comfort they both needed. It was just between them and no one else was any the wiser. But each time he gets Hyungwon like this, it feels like something mutual now. It isn’t that Changkyun ever forced anything, but Hyungwon hardly instigated it. But now that he approaches Changkyun on his own, asks him to rest with him, it feels like Hyungwon wants there to be more between them too. He doesn’t know for certain, though. That’s what causes him to hesitate.

But the way Hyungwon curls against him now, seeks him out to pull him in—that has to mean something. Even if it just means Hyungwon is most comfortable with him, that’s something, that’s enough.

Hyungwon closes his eyes, smiles sleepily. “You’re so warm, Changkyunnie.” He hums in contentment, sweet and relaxed. The rapper tucks him in closer, palm flat and steady against Hyungwon’s back. He folds into Changkyun’s touch, allows himself to be positioned by the younger idol. He’s pliant, probably drifting off. Changkyun lets his head fall back against his pillow and listens to the white noise of the room.

He briefly wonders if this is something he should let happen. Of course he wants it to, wants to be like this with Hyungwon—but maybe he should do better to protect himself in this situation. No matter how loud his bravado is, he can’t guarantee Hyungwon will want him in the same way Changkyun does. But Hyungwon is too genuine, too honest—Changkyun can’t say no to that. He can’t imagine Hyungwon using him.

Maybe he should be more careful, but he can’t bring himself to be. He wants to be the one Hyungwon always comes to like this, and the only way to do that is keep himself open—even if he gets hurt in the end.

* * *

 

After talking to Changkyun, Minhyuk realizes he needs to do something about the maknae and his off behavior.

He’s been keeping an eye on him, and Minhyuk can see that possessive edge in the way Changkyun talks to Hyungwon, touches him. It’s especially apparent when Minhyuk and Hoseok join the scene, the maknae assuming a defensive disposition. He’s blatantly defensive against Minhyuk, almost openly villainizing him. And it’s so fucked up when the others take the maknae’s side and ignore his off behavior—yet still refuse to hear either of the older visuals out. It’s not right.

(He forcibly doesn’t recall the ways Hyungwon encourages it, pulls Changkyun with him. He doesn’t think of the other visual as an active participant, sees him as unwitting and unaware.)

During their talk, Changkyun tried to make him out to be some ultimate manipulator, like he’d intended all of this hurt and confusion. Minhyuk stands by the fact that he’s never tried to hurt his group or anyone in it. He stands by the fact that his feelings have always been genuine, and he isn’t fake. He loves his bandmates and he would never wish hurt onto any of them. It isn’t fair for Changkyun to say otherwise. Minhyuk hasn’t used anyone.

Even so, having his supposed thoughts held against him like that has made him feel awkward with Hyungwon and Hoseok. He stops approaching Hyungwon as much, feels like he doesn’t even belong beside Hoseok anymore.

Things have been strange with Hoseok. Minhyuk feels like they’ve reached an insurmountable disconnect, one that the dark-haired visual doesn’t know how to face. But it’s a different distance than the one they had before Minhyuk talked to Changkyun—before Hoseok talked to Hyungwon. Whatever happened in their conversation, it caused Hoseok to pull away.

He thinks that was part of Changkyun’s intention, to make Minhyuk placeless among the visuals. He’s made him too uncomfortable to face Hyungwon—too uncomfortable to get close to Hoseok again, and in turn keep Hyungwon at the rapper’s side. Changkyun thinks he can use Minhyuk’s mistakes against him, but he’s wrong. Minhyuk can’t let himself get pushed around like that.

He knows he needs to tell someone about what happened. Someone has to get it through Changkyun’s head that he’s wrong. Minhyuk tried to tell Changkyun then that he was on a bad path, but the rapper obviously wouldn’t listen to him about it. But there were others in the group he _would_ listen to—and Minhyuk knows just the right person to go to. If there’s one person Changkyun always listened to, it was Jooheon. The maknae was closest to the other rapper from the start, and Minhyuk knows they trust each other implicitly. Jooheon is his best shot at getting Changkyun to back off.

And if he has to push hard and play a little unfair to get his way, Minhyuk will—for Hyungwon’s sake.

He puts his plan in motion as the group is going through the final preparations for their comeback. He’s been sitting with Kihyun and Jooheon in their company studio, watching Changkyun monopolize Hyungwon’s attention (Hyunwoo is with a manager, and Hoseok had gone off somewhere, lately having a tendency to drift—Minhyuk will go search him out soon). He decides now is a good time to start appealing to Jooheon.

He leans forward on his knees, turns to look at the pair beside him. Jooheon lifts a brow at him questioningly. “You’ve been weird lately,” he comments. “What’s up?”

Minhyuk purses his lips, careful. “I had a conversation with Changkyun the other day.”

“So that’s why you’ve been so crappy,” Kihyun comments, and Minhyuk resists the urge to glare back.

“Then you’ve noticed how he’s been acting too?” he prompts instead, watching expectantly.

The lead vocalist rolls his eyes and shrugs. “I know he’s been helping Hyungwon.”

Jooheon, on the other hand, looks pressed. “Is something going on with him? I know he’s been very… _focused_ , I guess, on Hyungwon. But I didn’t think there was anything wrong.”

“That’s exactly what’s wrong,” Minhyuk nods, sitting up. “You have to see how _obsessive_ he’s getting. He’s trying to get Hyungwon to shut the rest of us out.”

Kihyun gives him a flat look, unimpressed. “Right. Changkyun is trying to keep Hyungwon _all_ to himself,” he repeats dryly. Minhyuk huffs out an annoyed breath at his sarcasm, and Kihyun shakes his head. “You’re being stupid.”

“He literally told me he doesn’t want us around Hyungwon.” Minhyuk insists. “He thinks he’s the only one able to support him, and he thinks the rest of us are in the way.” It’s a bit out of context, but it’s not a lie. Minhyuk knows he has to fight to gain any ground with Kihyun—even if his only intention is to win over Jooheon, he should get the rest of the group on his side too. It’s better to have as many people believe him as possible.

“Why would he say that?” Jooheon frowns. “That doesn’t make sense, he doesn’t try to keep Hyungwon away from anyone.”

“You seriously haven’t noticed?” Minhyuk presses. Jooheon still looks skeptical, Kihyun dismissive, and the visual knows he has to try something different. “I was telling him I just wanted to patch things up with him. He told me I couldn’t talk to him. He even threatened me.” That’s a gross exaggeration, he knows. Changkyun hadn’t ‘threatened’ so much as he told Minhyuk he was bad for Hyungwon and should stop trying. But that won’t get him the reaction he wants. He gives the sincerest look he can manage, but it doesn’t do anything to ease the disbelief on Kihyun’s face.

“Changkyun isn’t like that,” the lead vocalist dismisses, hardly even entertaining the thought. It’s frustrating—he’s made it clear he won’t even listen to the dark-haired visual. And Minhyuk thinks that’s too unfair of someone he considers such a close friend when he’s trying to make things right. Kihyun gets up without another word, walks over to where the maknae and model are sitting together.

Jooheon’s brows pull together in concern, at least appearing like he’s considering Minhyuk’s words. “Changkyun’s not really the type to hold grudges or anything. Why would he threaten you? I don’t wanna doubt you but… that sounds extreme.”

“I know I have a bad track record right now, okay?” Minhyuk sighs. “I know I’ve fucked up. A lot. But I’m really worried this is going to escalate. This isn’t about me. Hyungwon needs more than just Changkyun, and he doesn’t need the drama that will come with Changkyun becoming possessive.”

“You think he’s possessive?” The rapper glances back over at the pair in question. They’re sitting just out of earshot together, with a noticeable, normal distance between them. They sit with their backs against the wall, pulling Kihyun in when he joins them. Hyungwon is laughing at something the rapper said, posture relaxed, if not tired. Changkyun is similar, leaned back and smiling. Even Kihyun cracks a grin at whatever exchange happened. It doesn’t look like the controlling, closed-off interaction Minhyuk is trying to conjure. It looks normal.

“I’m really trying to help,” Minhyuk says again. “I’m not making this up. I promise.”

“And what do you want me to do about it?” he asks.

“Changkyun listens to you most. Just talk to him? Please? I tried to tell him it was a bad idea, but he wouldn’t listen. You, though—he’d listen to you.”

The younger idol gives him a long look, considering. He’s at least thinking about it, and that’s all Minhyuk needs. But then Jooheon drops his head, turns his gaze down. “Hyung, I really think you should stop for a little while,” he says, and the mood maker feels his heart drop. “Even if I talk to Changkyun, I don’t think this is going to turn out the way you want it to.”

“I just need the chance to give us all closure, Jooheonnie.” Minhyuk denies. “Hyungwon won’t get better without it, and Hoseok and I can’t move on if we don’t have it. This isn’t a plan for me to sweep Hyungwon off his feet or something. Changkyun just needs to realize being suffocating isn’t going to help anything.”

He still looks hesitant, but he presses his lips together and nods. “If it’ll make you feel better, Hyung, I’ll talk to him. Just—later. Don’t stir up drama when we have work to focus on.” He gives Minhyuk a meaningful look, to which the visual agrees. They’ve run out of time to push for any more progress, but the others have found a careful balance. They can settle here until their lives calm down enough.

He gets up from the bench, ruffles Jooheon’s hair, and walks off to find Hoseok and Hyunwoo.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: non-graphic description of purging.
> 
> let me know if there's any weird issues with this chapter, i proofread this one less than i usually do bc i wanted to push it out hdsfg

As they go through the motions of their album release and comeback stages, Hyungwon feels more and more like a ticking timebomb. Pressure is being piled upon him from all sides, and he feels low on outlets for that pressure. He doesn’t want to fall back on bad habits, but he’s starting to feel like he has no other choice. The more schedules they pile on, the less control Hyungwon seems to maintain.

Hyungwon is doing all he can to stay above his stress since he’d gotten back from the hospital, but it’s been difficult. He gets support from his group, but outside of them he’s fending for himself. The managers treat him like he’s nothing but a burden, and he knows the staff in charge of their concepts and schedules have been diminishing his role as much as they can. He isn’t an asset anymore; he’s sure they only consider him a liability, and he should be glad he hasn’t been fired.

He wonders if he’s truly as much of a burden as the managers and staff seem to consider him. The members are reassuring that he’s not holding anyone back, but he can’t help but think they’re coddling him sometimes. He’d hate to find out that he’s holding the group back or creating work for them. Hyungwon feels a definite gap between him and the others, even when they try to convince him they don’t see him any differently. But it is different. Even when he tries to move past it, when he tries to change it and push it away, they don’t treat him the same.

Jooheon is careful with him where he never used to be; Kihyun is emotionally distant, borderline impersonal sometimes; Hyunwoo tries to be understanding, but there’s still an awkwardness there that makes Hyungwon miserable; Minhyuk tries, but he doesn’t get it; Hoseok, despite their conversation, is still evasive, tries to keep around the subject of Hyungwon’s anxiety, and yet can’t forget it. They don’t treat him badly, they just can’t seem to look past his disorder. He appreciates the care, but sometimes it feels like they think he’s broken.

Changkyun is a different case. He’s supportive in a way that doesn’t demean Hyungwon, doesn’t remind him of the stress. It’s not the same between them, hasn’t been for a long time, but it’s not the same difference Hyungwon feels with the others. He doesn’t know what that means, but he doesn’t think about it much.

He likes how Changkyun distracts him. Unfortunately, he can’t always be there to ease the stress.

Promotions keep them too busy to put any focus on their individual problems. There’s pressure to seem united as a group and focused on stage and on camera. Their ability to perform and be professional is the only thing the managers care about. Promotion time isn’t about their wellbeing, not if they aren’t physically incapable of continuing. They can’t act like anything is wrong, not when the fans can see—not when they’re supposed to be perfect. It’s tiring to keep up appearances on such a constant basis. No one has the energy to properly deal with their own stress, let alone anyone else’s.

Changkyun isn’t always available to talk to—Hyungwon doesn’t want to waste their downtime by breaking down and burdening the maknae. He doesn’t want to bother any of them. Their free time is limited enough as it is; no one needs to spend it holding Hyungwon together when they’re all reaching their breaking points.

For the most part, Hyungwon has enjoyed past promotions. It’s the job they worked so hard to get, after all, and this is what they’d wanted. But it’s hard to keep up this time when he’s so unwell. Even so, he can’t let down the group, and he can’t let down their fans.

So Hyungwon buries down his stress, goes back to keeping it to himself, dealing with it by himself.

He keeps up appearances with the others as best as he can, always tired and wrung out from schedules but doing his best to stay pleasant. He draws away when he starts to feel worse, even when he wants comfort from his members. He can’t be selfish. He’d done enough of that before promotions started.

Hyungwon doesn’t exactly mean to, but he ends up isolating himself again. He only wants to be fair to the others, keep the dorm stress-free like they deserve, but it ends up causing Hyungwon to drive himself away when he doesn’t feel like he can keep himself together.

It’s not like they don’t notice, but no one pushes him. They ask him if he’s alright, tell him to reach out if he needs to, but no one presses for anything that he doesn’t give on his own. Which is good—he doesn’t want to be pressured. They respect his space, even when they seem reluctant about it. Whether it’s because they think it’s what he wants or because they don’t have the energy to pull it out of him, he isn’t sure.

Only Changkyun ever follows after him. Changkyun seems to know when he needs something. He’s good at knowing when to provide distractions, comfort. Hyungwon appreciates it.

Hoseok tries too. He finds Hyungwon backstage at their schedules, and he does his best to keep tensions low. He helps Hyungwon relax before they go on set, and it helps a lot. The model feels much more comfortable going in front of audiences and cameras than if he’d been left alone.

He expects more from Minhyuk, from how insistent and attentive he’d been before. But lately, the mood-maker has backed off. He redirects his focus to Hoseok instead. It’s like he’s making up for lost time by the way he presses to Hoseok’s side. It takes the older visual by surprise at first, the uncertainty clear in his disposition. He doesn’t protest it, though, even welcomes it, and it’s good to see them getting along again.

But Hoseok isn’t around as much at the dorm, Minhyuk leaves him alone, and Changkyun isn’t always there to calm him down. Relief is temporary, and it never stays long.

Some days he’s left alone to think about his shortcomings and his fuck ups. These are the days he’s most stressed and tired and weak. He tortures himself with thoughts about how he’s the member with the least strength, least talent, least potential, least fans—last in everything but looks. His pretty face and delicate figure were the only things he had going for him—the only reasons he was a model, the only reasons he was chosen to debut. Thinks of how he’s ruining those looks, how they aren’t enough to keep him around. Now everyone looks at him in disgust, like he’s the ugliest thing they’ve ever come across, so shameful and hideous.

He entertains that maybe it’s true. Maybe he is disgusting now, after the choices he’s made. He’s certainly shameful, something he never forgets. He deserves to be called talentless, weak. He deserves to lose his fans to the other members. He deserves to lose his spot in Monsta X. He deserves it, because his own shameful behavior put him here—his inability to keep his fear and loneliness and jealousy to himself. He’s been dragging the others down, and even when he tries to pull his weight, he can’t pick himself up.

These are the thoughts that bring him to his knees in front of the toilet, shaking hands gripping the bowl as he forces himself to retch (no need to push his fingers down his throat anymore, he can trigger his gag reflex without hardly trying). He knows it’s only hurting him, only reaffirming all of these fears he has about himself, but he can’t stop. How can he when it makes him feel so relievingly _empty_ after carrying so much tension? There’s nothing else that makes him feel so much better.

Hyungwon finds himself taking refugee on the bathroom floor more and more as their busy schedules continue, the days blurring together from the stress.

He’s not as secretive about it anymore. There’s no point in it. His members all know he hasn’t stopped purging. He tries his best to only purge when and where he thinks he won’t get caught, though. It never feels good to have someone witness him in his weakest state.

This time, as has happened too many times for his liking, his purge doesn’t quite end the way he’d want it to.

He gives himself a brief moment to calm down, cleans himself up, and _expects_ to walk back to his room and rest. However, his chest tightens when he opens the bathroom door and finds Kihyun leaning against the wall. His surprised, owlish gaze meets the lead vocalist’s expectant eyes. The visual tenses when Kihyun gives him a onceover and gestures his head towards the kitchen. Not willing to make more out of the situation, Hyungwon quietly follows the older male’s instruction and slinks into the kitchen.

When he’s directed to sit at the table, Hyungwon expects to be scolded and force-fed. He expects Kihyun to get Hyunwoo, and for the both of them to lay into him with the same lectures they’ve been giving him. But Kihyun doesn’t. He brings Hyungwon a cold water bottle and waits quietly while the model drinks from it. Normally this kind of silence would make Hyungwon anxious, nervous, but now he’s too exhausted to do anything but mutely wait.

Once Hyungwon has drained half of the water bottle, Kihyun speaks. “You really are an actor. Cool and poised even now.”

The model lifts an eyebrow at the other, doesn’t give a verbal reply. The pink-haired vocalist watches him carefully. “You can’t keep doing this. You hit a breaking point before—what if next time it’s in front of fans?”

“It won’t be.” Hyungwon denies, voice quiet. “It’s fine, it’ll _be_ fine. It’s just a coping thing—like smoking. I’ll work on quitting when everything settles down again.”

“It’s not the same—,”

“How do you know it’s not?” Hyungwon grumbles, folding his arms on the tabletop to pillow his head there. Kihyun shouldn’t be getting on his ass about this. He’s never had to deal with this, never even tried to understand. “Most people cope in bad ways. I’ll deal with it when I don’t need it.”

“I’d accept that better if I didn’t feel like we had to constantly monitor you to make sure you don’t slip up,” Kihyun says flatly.

Hyungwon curls into himself, hides his face away. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before. He’s already gotten this lecture—already promised to hell and back that he wouldn’t let himself get so far gone again. And he’s determined to hold up that promise. He _won’t_ fuck up again (not if he wants to stay). “You don’t have to worry about that, so can you please stop pretending to care?”

He can feel the lead vocalist’s eyes on him, and he hates the scrutiny. Kihyun lets out a quiet sigh. “I’m not pretending. I… I know that I haven’t been as… _personable_ , I guess, as I should have. But I still care about you.”

“I just need to be treated like a person still,” he tries to stress. “I need all of you to still be my friends.”

“We are your friends,” Kihyun agrees. “I don’t know what’s going on with Minhyuk and Hoseok, but the rest of us have been here for you.”

“You’re treating me like I’m sick,” Hyungwon mumbles. “This hasn’t… ruined me. I’m not any different.”

They sit together in quiet after that, Hyungwon curled up tight into himself, and Kihyun tense despite how he tries to remain open as he sits turned towards the visual. It’s a pressed silence, uncomfortable and vulnerable. “You are different,” Kihyun finally says, and Hyungwon’s posture tenses. “You’ve changed a lot. We all have. Everything that’s happened in the past few months has changed this entire group. It’s not… necessarily a bad thing. But it’s not all good changes either. I can’t approach you the same way I used to. You changed so much that I had to change with you.”

“But I don’t _like_ that change,” Hyungwon says, lifts his head slightly. “I don’t like how you all treat me like I’m broken. I’m _not_. I’m still your bandmate, not some kind of victim. I haven’t changed in the same way you’re treating me. You just don’t know how to deal with my ‘change’.”

Kihyun goes silent again after that. Hyungwon doesn’t look at him, but he sits up enough to take another long drink of water. He’s tired, and he doesn’t want to have this conversation when he knows he won’t get through to the lead vocalist. Kihyun does as Kihyun thinks is best, and that’s that.

He’s surprised, however, when the older male releases a slow sigh, “We’ve been trying to learn how to help, but I didn’t realize we were making you feel like that. I’m sorry.”

Hyungwon blinks at him, surprised by the apology. He hadn’t really expected one, not so easily. Kihyun huffs an almost indignant breath at Hyungwon’s visible surprise, covering the guilt on his face. “I can’t argue with how you feel, can I? I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“It’s… okay.” He feels overwhelmed suddenly, a headache starting to form behind his eyes. Kihyun isn’t supposed to agree so easily. He isn’t supposed to jump to Hyungwon’s side. That isn’t what they do; it isn’t their dynamic. It makes Hyungwon feel pitied and babied, and he _hates_ it. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Kihyun nods, and Hyungwon feels something in his chest squeeze tight. “Okay. I’m not trying to upset you.”

Hyungwon clenches his jaw. He can’t stand _Kihyun_ , of all people, treating him with kid gloves like this. “Don’t be like this. Don’t treat me like a child.”

The lead vocalist gives him a flat stare, pressed and obviously losing patience. “If I’m treating you like a child, it’s because you’re acting like one.”

The younger idol flinches. “I’m _not_ a child,” he argues weakly, and although he’d purged moments ago, he feels the nausea crawling back. “I can take care of myself.”

“You aren’t,” Kihyun shakes his head. “You can’t. If we left you alone, you’d destroy yourself. You’ve proven that on your own.” Hyungwon feels sick, lowers his head back down onto his folded arms. “Sit up, please, I’m trying to talk to you.”

Hyungwon lifts his head only enough for his arms to slip out from underneath, thunks his forehead against the tabletop and folds his long limbs over his head. He pulls his knees to his chest and crosses his ankles to get his long body to fit within the too-small space of the chair. He wants to hide, to curl up tight enough that no one can see him. Just once, he wants to know what it's like to not exist.

“I hate this,” he whimpers. “I hate being like this. I promise I’m not trying to be difficult—it just hurts _all the time_ , and purging makes it go away. Is that so bad? Can’t you just ignore it?”

There’s another brief silence, and Hyungwon uses it to emotionally and physically hold himself together. He can feel Kihyun’s eyes on his back, and he refuses to break down in front of him. The lead vocalist clearly already sees him as _weak_ ; Hyungwon doesn’t need to continue to validate that thought.

He hears Kihyun get up, the legs of his chair scraping against the floor. Hyungwon tenses, curling in tightly. He doesn’t know what he expects to happen, if he expects Kihyun to leave him or mock him, but he doesn’t expect for the older male to sit beside him and wrap his arms around Hyungwon’s narrow frame.

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun murmurs quietly. “I… I really don’t have any idea how you’re feeling, but I know it’s hard. But you have to understand that we’re only trying to help you. We love you, Hyungwon, and we want you to be happy and healthy. But we can’t do that if you don’t communicate what we’re doing wrong. You have to help us help you.”

“I know,” Hyungwon pushes out on a breath. “I know I can’t shut you out, I know you won’t _let_ me even if I wanted to. But I don’t _know_ what else helps. I just know how to… distract myself. I don’t know how to help myself.”

“We can help you with that,” Kihyun promises. “You just have to help us understand.”

Hyungwon shakes his head as much as he can from his position, slowly sitting up and brushing Kihyun’s hands away. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to help Kihyun “understand”. He doesn’t want to see the uncertainty and hesitation in Hyunwoo’s eyes anymore. He doesn’t want to be treated like glass, and he doesn’t want his group members to act like he’s broken. There’s only one person he can talk to about this. “Can we talk about this with Changkyun?”

He chances a glance up at the older vocalist and is taken aback by the surprise on his face. Kihyun seems careful when he responds, “Changkyun has been helping you a lot, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah,” That remark makes Hyungwon feel tense. “I know I spend too much time with him, but I’m… I’m not trying to monopolize him,” he mumbles. “Changkyun just… understands. I don’t feel bad when I’m with him.”

“You think _you’re_ monopolizing him?” Kihyun presses, and it strikes Hyungwon as a strange question.

“A little?” he replies slowly, cautiously. “I’m always making him spend time with me whenever we’re free… but he never says he doesn’t want to, and I do give him space if I think he needs it. He’ll come and find me anyway, though. That’s not my fault.” He swallows thickly, pushing back the vulnerability trying to take over. He’s not doing anything wrong, is he? Changkyun would tell him if he was annoyed.

The lead vocalist doesn’t respond with anything more than a nod, switches gears as he asks, “Would it make you feel better if I called him here? He should be wrapping up at the studio anyway.”

Hyungwon shakes his head. “No, it’s okay. I just wanna sleep for a bit.” And this time Kihyun lets him go, urges him up and follows him out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. Hyungwon ignores his own bunk to curl up in Changkyun’s again. He doesn’t even think about it anymore; it’s natural to curl up in the maknae’s bunk instead of climbing up into his own. It’s easier, more comfortable. Maybe it’s not the best habit to get into, but Changkyun doesn’t seem to mind.

He’s aware of Kihyun watching him from the doorway, but he ignores him as he lies down on top of the bed covers and blinks tiredly at the opposite wall. Kihyun sighs, “At least get comfortable.” He walks over to Hyungwon’s bunk, reaches up and grabs a few of the visual’s things. He drapes Hyungwon’s soft blanket over his long frame, tucks the younger vocalist’s favorite turtle plush into his arms. Hyungwon closes his eyes, lets the older male fuss. Kihyun likes to take care of the members, likes to be the group mom. That usually manifests into chores and nagging, but his softer side emerges in times like these.

“Rest up, okay? We’ll be busy tomorrow and it won’t help to tire yourself out. I’ll bring you another water.”

He leaves the room, and Hyungwon curls up tight. He presses the side of his face into Changkyun’s pillow and sighs in exhaustion. A part of him wants to lock himself up in the bathroom again, but the larger part urges him into sleep.

(He wakes up an hour later, opening his eyes to find Changkyun sitting in front of him. The rapper has his laptop open on his lap, one hand reaching back to rub the nape of Hyungwon’s neck while he glances through emails and projects. There’s weight on his legs, which recognizes it as Jooheon’s legs when the older rapper speaks up. He can’t pick out what he says, but Changkyun laughs, moves his hand to pet Hyungwon’s hair. The visual can’t help the sleepy smile he gives as he leans into the maknae’s touch, allows himself to close his eyes and relax again.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pleaseee let me know how my characterization of kihyun turned out? bc i have zero confidence writing him lol... actually lemme know how i'm doing on characterization for everyone please?  
> thank you so much for your support for this story. i know i haven't been consistent in a while, but it means a lot that you're still sticking with me. you guys keep me motivated to keep writing this story <3


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll edit this tomorrow when i'm not half asleep, oops. please forgive any dumb mistakes until then... or point them out so i can find them faster lol.

Despite the tentative peace among the dorm, there have clearly been lines drawn between members. Jooheon sees it clearly in the tensions between Changkyun and Hoseok and Minhyuk, Kihyun and Minhyuk, and even Hyunwoo and Hoseok. The rapper watches it all unfold from the outside, doing his best to stay neutral and keep the peace—for all of their sakes. A blow up now could do lasting damage to the group, something none of them need right now.

The others leave Hyungwon out of it—for the most part. They know he can’t handle the drama that goes with the disagreements and side-taking. Changkyun and Hoseok try to avoid it, both for their own personal reasons (Changkyun prefers to spend his time with Hyungwon, and Hoseok doesn’t like that kind of confrontation). Kihyun isn’t pleasant in the slightest with the older two visuals, certainly holding a grudge over what happened between them and Hyungwon and how it affected the rest of the group (Jooheon is grateful he at least doesn’t hold it over Hyungwon). Hyunwoo’s shoulders seem weighed down, as if he’s taken on the weight of everything—his responsibility as leader is to take care of the group, and the rapper is certain Hyunwoo feels he’s failed them (even if it isn’t true).

The only outlier is Minhyuk—desperate to gain back the ground he’d lost, to get their group back on the track they’d been on before. But they can’t do that after all that’s happened. Minhyuk doesn’t seem to realize that too much has already changed for them all to go back to “normal”—even Jooheon can see it’s impossible.

They can all see Minhyuk’s intentions. He has admitted to being in love with Hyungwon, and Changkyun told him Hyungwon loves the older visuals back. Of course Minhyuk would think he could bridge the gap between them to turn the visual line into his ideal relationship. But the others know that isn’t going to work out—not when Hyungwon clearly doesn’t want that right now, when Hoseok doesn’t seem comfortable about it, when _Minhyuk_ isn’t being as sincere as he should be. Maybe it could work out, with time and communication, but not if Minhyuk is going to push so much. He’s only going to end up pushing Hyungwon away.

But that’s not Jooheon’s business. Or, it sort of is, if Minhyuk is going to insist on the rapper doing his dirty work.

Jooheon doesn't want to talk to Changkyun about his so-called possessive behavior. It isn't supposed to be his business, and the only person who seems unhappy about it is Minhyuk. He's been watching them both in the time that he can, and he's not sure it's as drastic as Minhyuk had made it sound. If it was, he doesn’t think Hyungwon would be so relaxed with the maknae and choose his company over the others’. Hyungwon doesn’t like feeling trapped and controlled, and Jooheon knows he keeps himself out of those situations. For the most part, Jooheon thinks it’s fine.

Admittedly, however, when Jooheon thinks back on it, he knows Changkyun has had some overprotective tendencies towards Hyungwon since this mess began. Somehow, he’d always been right by Hyungwon’s side, kept Hyungwon’s secrets from the rest of the group even when it would have benefitted them all to know, and he’d always been defensive about Hyungwon. If there’s anything Changkyun needs to be told, it’s that he needs to spill secrets when the other person involved is in _danger_. Before any of them do something bad again, Jooheon figures he should at least say that much to the maknae.

The group is afraid of Hyungwon relapsing. Jooheon recognizes that Changkyun is the one who will see the signs of it first, and he needs to ensure the younger rapper knows he needs to speak up. Because unlike what Changkyun said before, this isn’t a matter of trust or loyalty. The priority is keeping Hyungwon safe.

It takes a while to get Changkyun alone. This part of the year is the busiest for their group, and it’s difficult to get anyone alone. But he catches the younger idol after schedules on a slower day, pulls him aside under the guise of grabbing dinner just the two of them. Surprisingly, Changkyun doesn’t resist. He tells Hyungwon to go back to the dorm without him and easily follows Jooheon out of the studio.

Things are still easy-going between the two rappers. Jooheon and Changkyun have remained on good terms, even with all the drama around the dorm. The darker-haired rapper knows it will be easier to talk to Changkyun if they stay amiable like this.

They settle into a small family restaurant, tucked into a tiny booth in the back. The younger male gives an amused look that Jooheon returns with a lifted eyebrow. “What’s up?”

“It feels like it’s been forever since it’s been just you, me, and no work,” Changkyun comments. “We’ve been way too busy.”

“It’s a good thing,” Jooheon says, but he relaxes. “The more work we get, the more we can promote our group.”

“Yeah,” Changkyun nods. “I know. I just mean we haven’t hung out much.”

“I think that’s because you’ve been spending most of your free time with Hyungwon-hyung,” Jooheon tells him with a teasing tone, but Changkyun pauses. Before he can say anything, the older rapper adds, “I’m not gonna say it’s a bad thing. I’m really glad you’re looking out for him.”

The younger idol nods, slouches back in his seat. “Sorry. I kinda thought Minhyuk might’ve said something to you.”

Jooheon nods thoughtfully. He wasn’t looking to jump right into this topic, but he might as well if they’re already here. “Did he say something to you?”

Changkyun shrugs. “He thinks he’s the only one who knows Hyungwon-hyung. But he’s not really looking after Hyung.”

The other can’t help but give a bit of a laugh. “He said similar things about you.”

The youngest rubs his eyes. “Well, what do you think?”

“Honestly,” Jooheon pauses. “I think we should order first.” Changkyun huffs out a laugh, but he doesn’t protest. They get their drinks and put in their food orders. The maknae looks expectantly to the older rapper then, and Jooheon knows there’s no beating around the bush anymore. “Are you keeping Hyungwon away from the rest of the group?”

“Do _you_ think I’m being that possessive?” Changkyun counters.

Jooheon’s jaw tightens, and he slowly relaxes it. He isn’t going to mince his words with Changkyun. “I don’t think you’re doing anything to hurt him. But—,” Changkyun tenses, “—I think you might isolate him and yourself from the others if you don’t pull back a bit.”

The younger idol purses his lips. “I’m not trying to separate him,” he says quietly. “He was hurting himself the more he reached out to them, and—,”

“I know what happened,” Jooheon interrupts gently. “I know why you did what you did it. I’m only saying that you can’t keep doing it. He needs to be able to reconnect.”

Changkyun nods, but he looks so hesitant. “I know it’s unfair to do that with you and Hyunwoo and Kihyun hyungs, but… Minhyuk and Hoseok don’t deserve it yet.”

“You can’t make that decision,” the darker-haired rapper denies. “Hyungwon needs to decide that on his own. Whether that means Hyungwon chooses to stay distant or patch things up or even if he—if they take it further, you can’t pull him back.”

“He’ll break if they hurt him again,” Changkyun murmurs. “I know he’s strong, but this has already broken him down so much. They…” He takes a deep breath, teeth clenched in a tight grimace as he shakes his head. “Every time they drive him away, he hurts himself. When I went to get him at the hotel, he’d completely fallen apart. It was so bad, Hyung, I didn’t think he could have picked himself back up. When I got there, he cried in my arms until he passed out. I can’t let them push him to that point again.”

Jooheon didn’t know about that; neither Changkyun nor Hyungwon had talked about that incident after they’d come back to the dorm. No one knew what happened to Hyungwon during that time he’d been gone. Even when they’d been asked about it later on, they hardly gave more details than “Hyungwon needed out of the dorm”. Jooheon should have figured there’d been an emotional blow up of some kind, but he didn’t expect something like that. Hyungwon is such an emotional rock in the group; even when Jooheon has seen him break down, he’s always been so _contained_. Aside from the time Hyungwon needed to be held together by their entire group (after his first purge, Changkyun had uttered mournfully after they’d found out the brunet was hurting himself), the older rapper doesn’t think he’s ever seen the model completely break down, and it takes him aback to imagine Hoseok pushing him to the point where Hyungwon spent the night crying in their maknae’s arms.

(But he supposes it had been Hoseok that had pushed Hyungwon into that first purge, Hoseok that had made Hyungwon so miserable. Perhaps Jooheon gives his hyung too much credit.)

Jooheon is empathetic, but it doesn’t change his point. “I’m glad he has you to help him, but he _can_ stand on his own—he needs to. You can’t always be there, no matter how much you think you can be or how much you want to be. It isn’t possible. Maybe Hyungwon-hyung will get hurt, but he isn’t so broken that he can’t build himself back up. But if you keep giving him a crutch, he’ll only fall back on it.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Changkyun asks, tired. “I can’t… can’t let him fend for himself. Not now.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” he says. “I’m only saying he needs to make his own choices. He’s going to make some that you don’t agree with, but that isn’t an excuse to hold him back. It’s his decision what he’s going to do about Hoseok and Minhyuk hyungs. If he decides to take that next step with them, you have to let him. He needs that control. Taking that from him isn’t going to end well. You can’t interfere with Hyungwon-hyung’s relationships. You can give advice and support, but you can’t hold him back—even if he decides to give them a chance.”

The younger rapper looks stressed by that idea. “They won’t take care of him,” he argues weakly. “How can I let him fall into such an obvious trap?”

“It’s too controlling for you to keep him from trying what he wants,” Jooheon tells him. He’s trying to be gentle, but Changkyun needs to realize his mistakes before it spirals into something worse. “What if there’s another boy? Are you going to discourage him from any boy he might be interested in?”

Changkyun blinks up at the other, taken aback. “He’s—not interested in other boys,” he mumbles, strangely stiff.

Jooheon pauses, learning to choose his words carefully the further he takes this subject. He isn’t against Changkyun, and he wants the younger to understand that. “Changkyun-ah, I know you’ve grown really attached to Hyungwon. And I know… It must be hard to think of him with someone else. You’ve given him a lot of attention, but—he doesn’t owe you the kind of relationship you want.”

“I know that,” Changkyun interrupts quietly, but he doesn’t look so confident as he slouches back. He gives Jooheon an exasperated look. “I’m not possessive. I know that he doesn’t owe me anything. But—,” he cuts himself off, lips twisting in upset. “Hyung, I like him _so_ much. It _hurts_ to think he won’t return that. It hurts to think of him with other boys—especially Hoseok and Minhyuk. I won’t… If it’s anyone other than them I won’t stop him, but I don’t want to think about him with someone else.”

They quiet after that. The waitress returns with their dinner, and Jooheon offers her a quiet smile in thanks. Changkyun keeps his head down, only moving when she leaves. He tentatively reaches for his chopsticks to start poking and digging at his food. He looks embarrassed by the admission, but Jooheon isn’t surprised by it. Changkyun is loyal and always looks out for his group, but he wouldn’t be so adamantly villainizing anyone without having such strong feelings.

The older rapper watches without a word. Eventually, when he sees Changkyun clearly has nothing else to add, he sighs. “I do trust you, Changkyun-ah. I think you do want him to be happy. I probably shouldn’t take sides but,” Changkyun glances up, and Jooheon gives him the smallest of smiles. “I think you’d be good together.”

Changkyun gives a nervous scoff, but his lips curl into a faint smile. “Isn’t it weird?” he asks. “Talking to your bandmate about… wanting to date another one of your bandmates?”

Jooheon shrugs. “I mean, it’s a little weird. I never really thought any of us would start _dating_. But I think I got over the shock of it a while ago, especially after Hoseok and Minhyuk hyungs.” The younger idol shakes his head, but he seems more relaxed. The tension drains from his shoulders and, in turn, the atmosphere between them.

“I do know it’s weird,” Changkyun says anyway. “Other groups probably don’t have these same problems, and it’s not normal for us to date within the group—to date other men. But… it does mean so much that this group is so accepting of it. And I know it means so much more to Hyungwon. He never had that support before. I don’t think he would have been able to pull through any of this without us.”

“We’re always gonna take care of each other,” Jooheon reassures. “This only proved how much we care for this group. I admit though, that for a while I thought we would have to break up the couples in the group to keep the band healthy and strong, after what happened with the hyungs. But I think you and Hyungwon… I think you’d be good for him.” He’s seen Hyungwon’s highs and lows from afar, and he sees who pulls him back from the edge of anxiety each time. It isn’t Hoseok, and it isn’t Minhyuk. Changkyun puts Hyungwon’s needs ahead of his own when Hyungwon needs the support. And Jooheon knows the other rapper has good intentions. He’s always been the closest to Changkyun, and he knows how loyal and protective the younger can get.

Hyungwon needs someone like that. Although Jooheon stands by the fact that Hyungwon needs to be able to support himself, he still needs someone to ensure he _is_ taking care of himself. So far, Changkyun has proved to be the only one doing that every time Hyungwon has needed it.

Changkyun smiles faintly. “I don’t know if he’ll want to be with me the same way I want to be with him, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop supporting him. I’m not doing this just because I want him to like me.”

Jooheon smiles back, and it feels like he’s reached the same page as the other rapper again. “I’m in your corner, Kyun. Just promise me you won’t shut the rest of us out—whether it’s Hyungwon or you or anyone else who needs support, we’ll all be there.”

“Okay,” Changkyun says, “I will.” Jooheon feels relieved then, and he allows the conversation to lie there as he reaches for his own food. The younger rapper fully relaxes then, finally convinced. “Thank you.”

“No need,” Jooheon grins. “Now c’mon, food’s getting cold.” Changkyun nods smiles back, and they’re able to settle back into easy conversation.

Maybe this isn’t what he should be doing, Jooheon reflects silently as the pair pause to eat. He doesn’t know Hyungwon’s feelings on any of it—whether he’s still crushing on the older visuals, or if he has any romantic interest in Changkyun. But he makes Changkyun happy, and the feeling is clearly mutual. Jooheon doesn’t know what Hyungwon will do, but he can only hope the visual makes the right decision for himself, and that Changkyun doesn’t get too hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so looooong, finals were more hectic than expected :(  
> next chapter is probably gonna take a while too bc i'm going abroad! and i know i won't have much (if any) time to write. which sucks, bc i feel like i'm gonna explode with the need to write, but i can't promise anything.  
> send me nice messages to read when i get anxious waiting for my flight lol? i'd really appreciate it ;-;''  
> thank you for putting up with my awful upload schedule. i know it's terrible, but i've been struggling lately, and i'm really grateful so many of you have stuck by this story through its highs and lows. i hope to be able to finish strong for you all!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **this chapter contains mentions of binging/purging.**  
>  i had a lot to say about this chapter, but now that i'm posting it i don't know what to say lol... i was dreading writing this, but i like how it turned out~  
> this chapter is like an emotional roller coaster so pls tread carefully lol

Hyungwon finds it’s a lot harder to let go than he thought. It hurts more than he’s willing to admit. It’s a pain he can’t even share with Changkyun, knowing he wouldn’t understand. Anywhere he turned he’d be called foolish, told to just _let go_ , find relief and happiness somewhere else. And he’s trying, he wants to let go. He wants to be friends with Minhyuk and Hoseok and not feel _hollow_ when those lingering feelings come back. He desperately tries to tell himself those feelings are gone, that he should forget about them, but he can’t. 

He can’t. 

He runs himself in circles, desperate and ragged and hurt, and he always ends up at that conclusion: He can’t. He’s carried these feelings for so long, held onto some twisted hope that something would happen between them for _years_. Hyungwon has helplessly longed for Minhyuk’s affection since before they’d even joined Starship—since he was seventeen years old and still confused and hurting over his own sexuality, and Minhyuk’s blinding smile and reassuring touch somehow made those concerns melt away. How can he let go of someone he’d loved for his entire adult life? How can he let go of someone who had witnessed his ups and downs, celebrated his successes and picked him up after his falls? Minhyuk has shaped so much of him, and Hyungwon struggles to come to terms with the fact that they aren’t meant for each other. 

It isn’t as hard to imagine letting go of his feelings for Hoseok. He still loves Hoseok so much, but the intense longing and affection faded quickly after he’d hurt Hyungwon in that Starship practice room and told the younger idol he hated him. His feelings for Hoseok are still there, but he knows it can’t work between them anymore. No matter how much he tries, Hyungwon can’t shake off how hurt he’d felt (and how insecure he still feels) after what Hoseok did to him. They want to deny it, but that incident left a gap between them that Hyungwon doubts can ever be fully crossed. Hyungwon still loves Hoseok, but it will never be the same after what happened between them. If Hoseok loved him back, he wouldn’t have hurt Hyungwon like he did. 

He thinks the difference between letting go of Minhyuk and letting go of Hoseok is having closure. Hyungwon has closure with Hoseok—their incident in the practice room proved to Hyungwon why he can’t be with Hoseok, gave him the ability to retract those feelings he had. He doesn’t have any incident like that with Minhyuk. Minhyuk has always taken Hyungwon’s side, has always been there to support and help Hyungwon. Sometimes, Hyungwon thinks they could have been soulmates. They all could have been soulmates—but Hyungwon screwed up in a way that hurt them all. 

If Hyungwon had been honest, they could have talked through their feelings for each other and maybe they could have been something more. But Hyungwon kept quiet, and he hurt himself and the other visuals, and then he let Minhyuk think and _hope_ and it caused him to ignore Hoseok’s needs. And because he felt neglected and hurt, Hoseok lashed out. Hyungwon is the reason they all fell apart, in the end. Even if he didn’t deserve what Hoseok did, the older vocalist wouldn’t have been pushed to do anything if Hyungwon and Minhyuk had talked to him. Hyungwon chose to ignore his feelings and push away the Minhyuk’s and Hoseok’s, and because of that all of them got hurt. He needs to start cleaning up his mess, and it has to start with them. 

There’s two ways he can do that, he knows. There isn’t zero hope for them; he knows there’s still a chance to try something between all three of them. But is that the best choice? Hyungwon can’t be sure. 

Hyungwon has been quieter recently. It isn’t intentional; he just finds himself thinking a lot, and it’s tiring to keep up. He feels he’s hit a wall. He’s still so unhappy, and it’s settling in again now that everything else is starting to slow down. He has to make a choice now, and no matter which path he takes he knows he’ll regret something. This entire problem involves more than just himself, however, and he makes his decision based on what will make the most people happy—even if it hurts him more. He knows what he has to do. Putting that decision in motion is the part he’s scared to do. 

It won’t be as easy as telling the others what he wants. They’re going to push back, and Hyungwon doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to entirely stand his ground. But he can’t stay complacent when no one is happy. He needs to speak his mind. 

Once he decides what he wants to do, then comes waiting for the right time to go through with it. He tells himself he’s waiting for when schedules have died down, but truly he’s just nervous. So he waits, and he wastes time, and it makes him feel worse and worse. He needs to say something; he needs to talk to Minhyuk. 

Minhyuk isn’t always the most understanding and he can be stubborn, but he’s sweet and he tries his best, and Hyungwon knows he can count on him to listen and support. They’ve been needing to talk anyway. He takes Minhyuk aside one morning and lets him know he wants to speak to him alone. They don’t have time then, but later that evening, he finds they’re the only ones left in the dorm. 

(He suspects Minhyuk had something to do with it; the rappers had gone to their studios, but Hyunwoo had apparently decided to take Hoseok and Kihyun out to a movie.) 

The dark-haired visual knocks on Hyungwon’s bedroom door, gives him a small, possibly hopeful smile. “You wanted to talk?” 

Hyungwon swallows nervously, and he nods shortly. “Yeah, I think we should.” He sits up from where he was lying on Changkyun’s bed, and Minhyuk crosses the room to meet him. He rests a knee on the bed but doesn’t sit. He appears like he’s trying to seem upbeat and light, but he looks nervous underneath it. Hyungwon wants to offer him something reassuring, but he thinks it would set the wrong impression. “I want to talk about… us, you and me, and you and Hoseok.” 

“The three of us?” he adds, and the hopefulness in his expression makes Hyungwon’s stomach do flips. 

“Maybe,” Hyungwon concedes gently. He presses his hands together between his knees. “Do you… think that can still work?” 

“Yes,” Minhyuk answers eagerly, with no hesitation. “I know we can.” 

Hyungwon gives him a rueful smile, and he forces himself to be honest. “I… I really love you, Minhyuk, but I don’t think we can be together.” He feels a sharp twinge of guilt stab through his stomach as he watches Minhyuk’s face fall. 

Through everything, Hyungwon had held hope that he could have a chance with the other visuals. But he’d been hurt so much by them, that somewhere along the line he decided he couldn’t. Whether he realized it or not, he’d been in the process of moving on. And that had been painless, for the most part. But the process of naturally getting over his feelings is so much less painful than deciding to cut them off. This confrontation rips the wound open again, worse this time, and Hyungwon has to stitch it closed instead of ignoring it. Now he has to face it head on, and while he knows it’s going to help them all in the end, he can’t deny how much it hurts to face Minhyuk like this. 

“But… if we both love each other, why can’t we?” he asks. His eyes are pleading, and Hyungwon doesn’t know where he finds the strength to continue to hold his desperate gaze. “I don’t understand.” 

This is the difficult part. Hyungwon’s resolve is strong, but Minhyuk’s stubbornness is unmatched. “It’s not good for us. I know you think we can put every negative thing behind us, and maybe you can, but I can’t. I can’t be with Hoseok, and he doesn’t want to be with me. You know that. It isn’t going to work.” 

Minhyuk struggles to come up with a response. “But—Hoseok said—he’s _confused_.” 

“He wants to make you happy,” Hyungwon says gently. “He’s willing to try anything to make you stay. And that includes letting someone into your relationship even if he doesn’t want them.” 

“No,” Minhyuk shakes his head, “He loves you. _We_ love you. We can make this work, you just have to trust me—,” 

“I’m sorry, Minhyuk,” the model interrupts, briefly closing his eyes and pulling in a deep breath. “But… I already told Hoseok I can’t trust him right now, and I don’t think I can trust you either.” The dark-haired visual flinches, hurt flashing across his face, and Hyungwon’s heart clenches in his chest. “I just think… you guys’ relationship is already having trouble, and it wouldn’t help for me to step in the middle.” 

Minhyuk’s eyes narrow sharply. “What do you mean?” 

Hyungwon levels him with a careful look. “You and Hoseok haven’t been the same since I got involved. I don’t think I’m in a good enough place to try to patch up things between not just me and you, or me and Hoseok, but also you two.” 

“You don’t need to do anything,” Minhyuk promises quickly. “Just being with us would help so much. That… that would fix so much, I know it.” 

The younger idol shakes his head. “You aren’t listening. The only thing that is going to help is if you leave me out of this. Hoseok doesn’t want another person in the relationship. You know why he’s been acting like this? Because he wants your attention. You made him feel less important by ignoring him and trying to pull me in, and it upset him.” Minhyuk looks stunned, drawing back in his surprise. He stands fully, and Hyungwon holds his disbelieving gaze. “You should know Hoseok only wanted your attention. That’s why he pushed me away so hard.” 

“But…” the mood-maker gives Hyungwon a pained expression, eyebrows pinching together in his stress. “That’s… how can you make me choose between him and you?” 

Hyungwon swallows thickly, lets his voice lower as he murmurs, “I’m not making you choose one of us. If you’re choosing anything, it’s if you want to make up with Hoseok or not. Because… as much as I love you, I don’t want to be with you in that way.” 

The room goes deathly silent, only broken by the quiet hum of the heater. The words don’t bring the relief Hyungwon expected. If anything, it just makes the hollow ache in his chest worse. Hyungwon struggles to look up into Minhyuk’s eyes. He doesn’t want to see the look on the other’s face, but he knows he can’t look away. So he glances up to the boy he’d loved and the man he has to let go of, and he waits. Minhyuk appears stuck, gaze downwards and unfocused. His eyes are wide with disbelief and hurt, as if he’s unable to imagine Hyungwon would reject him. 

And his next words, uttered so quietly and delivered with so much hurt, echo that sentiment. “After everything between us, you won’t even give me a chance?” 

“I messed up, Minhyuk,” Hyungwon murmurs, ignoring the part of him that’s still desperate to have Minhyuk and Hoseok—the selfish part that doesn’t recognize how much it’s hurting all of them. “And it isn’t our time to fix us. You need to go to Hoseok and be the boyfriend he needs you to be. He needs you more than I do right now.” 

Minhyuk shakes his head, and he looks _distressed_. Hyungwon can _see_ the thoughts racing through his head, trying to find a way to make everything work and fit like a perfect puzzle. The model waits for him to reach the same conclusion he already had. The dark-haired vocalist hands clench into tight fists at his sides, but he looks more upset than frustrated or angry. “Why are you still pushing us away? You don’t have to keep hurting yourself—,” 

“This is going to hurt less than trying to make something work that won’t.” Hyungwon denies. “I know you think this is perfect, but it isn’t. We can’t make this work, and you and Hoseok already proved that.” 

The older male flinches, and the room goes still again for another moment. They stare at each other, frozen, waiting. Hyungwon thinks he should feel strong as he stands his ground, but he just feels like he’s fracturing. When time starts again, Minhyuk throws himself down at the floor to kneel in front of Hyungwon on the bed. Hyungwon’s eyes widen, and he feels his heart seize painfully at the sight of someone he loves looking up at him so desperately. “Please,” he begs, “I can fix it. I can help you and Hoseok. Now that I know—,” 

“You’re _still_ not listening,” Hyungwon can’t help but snap, because he can’t keep saying _no_. Minhyuk is going to wear him down, and Hyungwon knows he can’t survive that. “You know what Hoseok did to me, right? You know he hurt me in ways I can’t just _forget_. And it’s because he loves _you_ and felt like you wanted me more. He can’t trust me, and I can’t trust him. We can’t be together, and you need to focus on him.” 

Minhyuk’s face mirrors how Hyungwon feels—heartbroken and distraught. Hyungwon lets out a shaky sigh, needing to offer him something to ease them both. “Hoseok loves you so much… You need to show him you love him too. Don’t let him think that he was only a replacement for me.” 

It’s painful to tell someone he loves to give that same affection to another person. But Hyungwon can’t make them all happy by trying the easy way. Maybe it’s masochistic, but he needs to hurt a little more to heal properly. 

The dark-haired vocalist is silent then, posture tense as he slowly stands up again. He holds the brunet’s gaze, and Hyungwon is surprised to see his eyes start to glisten with tears. The younger idol reaches for Minhyuk’s hand, and the mood-maker brings that hand to cup Hyungwon’s cheek. “I know,” he murmurs, “I know you’re right, but…” he takes a deep breath, pushes out a heavy sigh. He looks like he’s suddenly got the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hyungwon knows he’s passed it on to him, but Minhyuk needs to step up and take control. 

Still… Hyungwon can’t leave it like that. He pulls Minhyuk closer, tilts his head up and presses a gentle, chaste kiss to Minhyuk’s cheek. He’s really a masochist now, only hurting himself by taking this intimate moment from Minhyuk. But it feels necessary. “It’s okay. You and Hoseok are so good for each other. We’ll all be okay.” 

“We will,” Minhyuk agrees softly, but the smile he gives when he pulls away is forced. The tears are still there, but he doesn’t let them fall in front of Hyungwon. Something feels wrong, and the model is confused. But he doesn’t have the time to find out what it is. Minhyuk quickly leaves, and Hyungwon’s heart aches for him as he’s left alone. He hears the front door open and shut, and he swallows back a sob of his own as he curls into himself. 

As soon as he’s alone, Hyungwon is hit with the full weight of what he’s done. He’s told Minhyuk (and Hoseok, by extension) to move on from him. He’s told them to be happy without him. It feels like a mistake now, feels like he shouldn’t have been the one to make that decision. He had to, though. But right now, it doesn’t feel good. 

It _hurts_ , and he knows it’s his own fault it hurts, his own fault it happened and ended the way it did. He knows he did this to himself, that they would _try_ if he asked, but Hyungwon wants to let them heal. He wants himself to heal too, and he has no idea which direction he pushed himself into, but it’s more important right now to give them permission to move on. He can’t feel better about himself so long as he feels like a burden to them. Maybe Minhyuk and Hoseok will hurt right now, upset with the rejection when maybe they felt they were the solution, but they’ll feel the relief later. Hoseok especially should be thankful, once he gets Minhyuk to himself again. 

But it still pains Hyungwon to separate so much from them. It hurts so bad to sever the connection he felt with them that kept him going for so long. It hurts to know he’ll never know what it feels like to be loved by them. 

He can’t stop the fallout, the breakdown. The thought of this confrontation alone was enough to make him shaky and scared; the release of tension now that it’s over has him feeling unbalanced. The tension and hurt from everything that’s happened feels built up in his chest, a big ball of heartache that keeps ballooning and threatening to burst. It’s _painful_ and he doesn’t know how to make it go away. There’s no relief as he chokes out little whimpers. It’s a pain so awful he can only think of one thing to ease it. He unfurls himself from the protective ball he’d tried to curl into, stumbles out into the kitchen. 

He wants to purge. He wants to do a purge bigger than he ever has, fully get rid of the terrible ache he feels. Maybe then he’ll never again feel anything towards boys he can’t have. Hyungwon makes his way into the dorm’s kitchen and starts ripping open cabinets and the refrigerator. They’d just stocked up with groceries, and Hyungwon planned to binge on everything he could get his hands on. His eyes start scanning his options as he thinks what to grab first. There’s a whole range of different snacks and some instant foods they keep on hand. There’s some fresh food cups and vegetables, stuff to make quick fresh meals like sandwiches, and even some ingredients for different meals they’ve planned to try making (Kihyun started getting more into cooking since Hyungwon’s eating disorder had been diagnosed, something about wanting to give them all a healthier view of food. Hyungwon doesn’t usually care, but tonight it means there might be a few extra things to binge on). 

Hyungwon stares at it all, takes it in silently. The thoughts in his mind slow until he feels blank, nothing registering but that awful ache in his chest. It keeps growing, bigger and more painful, and he mistakenly focuses on that. He feels himself breaking then, and he can’t help the tiny, hiccupping sob that heaves from his chest. It’s over then, and he chokes on a cry as he collapses to his knees on the floor. His body is over-wracked with sobs he can’t hold back anymore. _Pathetic_ , he tells himself, and he feels like he deserves to disappear. 

The pain is so bad that he can’t even get up to binge. All he can do is sit and cry, and even that doesn’t make him feel any better. It just hurts more and more, to the point where he thinks his chest might burst. It’s worse than the heartache he’d felt when the other visuals first got together, and it’s comparable to the pain he’d felt when Hoseok had hurt him. Because it’s over now, and there’s no going back from that. Hyungwon is alone, and he can’t deal with the heartache alone. He doesn’t _want_ to be alone. 

There’s only one name in his mind, only one person he wants to see. He needs that person more than anyone else, and he doesn’t let himself think as he texts the other to _please come back to the dorm, it’s important_. And then he curls into himself, and cries. He feels stupid and pathetic for being so weak and needy, but he aches for a caring touch more than the pain of the binge and the hollowness of the purge. 

By the time he hears the front door open, Hyungwon has nearly exhausted himself and his tears. He stays put in his position on the floor, having moved to lean against one of the cabinets after sending his message. He silently waits to be found, no energy to even respond to the calls of his name. Despite this, it doesn’t take long for him to be found. He hears footsteps approach, stop. 

“Hyung?” 

He means to say something in acknowledgement, but the most that comes out is a pitiful whimper as his tears are somehow renewed. 

Changkyun kneels beside him, an arm automatically wrapping around Hyungwon’s shoulders. “What’s the matter, what happened?” 

Hyungwon clings hard to him. He can’t answer right away, not while trying his hardest to hold back his tears. He feels coiled and tense, like he’s going to pop. The nausea still churns in his stomach, and Hyungwon forcibly shoves it aside to try and replace it with the comfort he wants to leech from Changkyun. Even after all he’d cried out, everything still hurts, and he clenches his fists tight in Changkyun’s shirt until his knuckles are flushed white. He reaches for the warmth and safety he’s been promised from the other, desperate for some sort of reassurance. “Changkyun,” he whispers, not trusting his voice to remain level if he speaks louder. “Just—hold me together.” 

The rapper seems to understand then, and he draws Hyungwon closer at his request. There’s some relief in that closeness, a sense of protection against anything that might try to hurt him. It feels like that night they spent in the hotel room, but he’s not as scared nor weak. He’d been shattered in the hotel room, and while he still feels broken, he thinks he can mend himself now. It was always more difficult alone, but he isn’t alone this time. Changkyun will support him. 

And he does take care of Hyungwon. He keeps an arm carefully secured around the model’s shoulders, lets him curl in close as Changkyun reaches up with his free hand to brush Hyungwon’s bangs out of his face. “Do you feel sick?” he asks Hyungwon quietly. The visual shakes his head. “Did something bad happen?” 

The brunet releases a shaky exhale. “I think it was good,” he mumbles. “It just… hurts right now.” There’s a pause, and Hyungwon tunes out everything he can except the feeling of Changkyun against him, his arms around him. He takes a deep breath. “I told Minhyuk that I can’t date him and Hoseok. I told him it would make things worse.” 

“So… you let them go?” Changkyun murmurs, and Hyungwon nods. “Are you happy with that?” 

“Yeah,” Hyungwon breathes, lets his hands limply from the other’s shirt. “I think… I want to feel safe with someone before I commit to them, and it would take too much for them to make me feel like that after… everything. And it wouldn’t be good for them either. Hoseok doesn’t want me like that. It won’t work.” 

“I think you made a smart choice,” Changkyun tells him. Hyungwon closes his eyes and leans into the other. He likes how steady Changkyun’s hand is against his skin—steady and caring, just as he’s always been. “Are you okay?” 

“Mm,” Hyungwon nods, sighs. “I will be.” Somehow, he feels confident saying that in Changkyun’s arms. The rapper always made him feel so much safer, and Hyungwon is grateful for him. 

The arm wrapped around Hyungwon’s shoulders slowly lowers to rest around his waist, and Changkyun’s free hand is reaching for one of Hyungwon’s. “It’s okay to cry,” he tells the model quietly. 

“I don’t want to cry anymore,” Hyungwon says, ignoring how his voice cracks. He doesn’t want to cry anymore over Minhyuk and Hoseok. He wants to be happy for them, happy for himself for being the one strong enough to let go. But he still feels like _grieving_ , and it’s more painful to hold it back than to let it go. With Changkyun’s arms around him, he utters out another sob and allows a few more tears to fall. 

Changkyun pets Hyungwon’s hair for a bit longer, gives the model the opportunity to let out what emotions he needs to calm down. His hand gradually moves from Hyungwon’s hair down his neck and shoulder, rests against his bicep. The rapper murmurs, “Let’s move to the couch, yeah?” Hyungwon nods, and the rapper helps him stand. His legs are shaky, but it isn’t bad enough that he can’t walk the short distance. 

The model settles on the couch, and he’s alarmed when Changkyun turns his back. He catches the other’s wrist. “Where are you going?” 

“I’m just going to get you some water,” Changkyun explains. “I’ll be back.” 

“Okay,” Hyungwon mumbles, settling back. With Changkyun gone, Hyungwon slumps back against the couch and cries silently. Maybe at some point he’ll run out of tears. 

When Changkyun returns, he places a glass of water on the side table and crouches between Hyungwon’s legs. He’s got a box of tissues, and he uses them to wipe away Hyungwon’s tears. “It’s gonna be okay, Hyung. I promise. You won’t be alone.” 

Hyungwon believes him. Changkyun has never hurt him before, and Hyungwon knows he can trust him. “Thank you. You don’t know how much it means to me.” Changkyun stands, and Hyungwon leans into his chest. He’s so grateful the other idol lets him be selfish when he needs it. 

“Always, Hyung,” he promises. “You’re gonna come out of this stronger, and I’ll help you get back on your feet.” 

Hyungwon hums agreeably, and he turns his head into the rapper’s chest to take a deep breath of his scent. This feels safe. Hyungwon wants to keep this moment close. The nausea and the ache has faded, and he’s found that relief he was looking for. Hyungwon wraps his arms around Changkyun’s waist and childishly holds him there. “Thank you so much. I really owe you a lot.” 

“You don’t owe me anything,” Changkyun promises, looping his arms around Hyungwon’s shoulders. He rubs his hand down the model’s spine reassuringly. “I want to make sure you’re okay.” 

The brunet peers up at him shyly, feeling embarrassed suddenly as he murmurs, “I think I will be now… especially with you.” 

Changkyun smiles gently. He adjusts their positions so he can kneel on the edge of the couch beside Hyungwon. “You know I’ll always be here for you.” 

Hyungwon gives him a small smile in return, fighting down the heat rising to his face. “I’m glad.” That’s the minimum of how he feels towards the rapper, but he doesn’t think he can say anything more tonight. 

When he thinks about it, though, Changkyun really is always there. He always answers Hyungwon’s calls, and he has never once turned his back when the visual needed him. The rapper has never intentionally hurt him either. Hyungwon has always been able to count on him. He’s really so lucky to have the other to help him. 

The model reaches up, his hand fitting against the back of Changkyun’s neck. His skin is warm against Hyungwon’s palm, and his hair is soft where Hyungwon’s fingers tangle in the shorter strands at his nape. He thinks it’s been a while since they’ve been this close. Hyungwon likes the physical affection he shared with Changkyun. Sometimes it felt a bit abrupt and strange, but the visual never regretted it. Changkyun’s touch was always reassuring and, dare he think, _loving_. It feels more genuine than anything Hoseok had said or Minhyuk had done. Hyungwon wants to feel that intimacy again—only wants it from the rapper in his hands. 

“Changkyun,” he starts slowly, voice soft. The younger idol is relaxed under his touch, and Hyungwon feels encouraged to keep going. His gaze trails down the other’s face, down to his lips. He can’t fight the blush now as his eyes snap back up to meet Changkyun’s. The rapper watches him expectantly, waiting for Hyungwon’s request. The brunet swallows dryly, stutters out, “Can I… I-I…” He takes a deep breath to steady himself and breathes out, “I want to kiss you.” 

Something changes in Changkyun’s expression. It’s small, hardly visible, but Hyungwon knows him well enough to see the way his eyes light up. “Go ahead, Hyung,” he murmurs, and his face moves closer, but Hyungwon is the one who has to take the initiative. He angles his head to the side and leans up slowly to give a gentle press of their lips together. It’s tentative, careful, chaste, but it sends short tingles through Hyungwon’s skin. They’d kissed like this before, pressed close as one of them sought some sort of relief from the other. But this feels different. Hyungwon had never initiated a kiss before, and they’d never gone this slow, touched each other so sweetly. For once, Hyungwon doesn’t feel desperate nor nervous. 

Changkyun’s hands come up to cup Hyungwon’s jaw, and he encourages them to press even closer. Hyungwon follows his lead, kisses Changkyun harder. That pressure that was building in his chest comes back, but it isn’t the same ache. It bursts in a swell of affection when Changkyun moves to sit down and Hyungwon climbs into his lap to get even closer. Changkyun’s grip tightens on him and he sighs against his lips. The model wraps his arms around Changkyun’s shoulders, cradles the back of the other’s head with both hands. He’s spurred on by the little noises he draws out from Changkyun, wanting to show him as much affection as the rapper gives. 

The kiss starts losing its innocence as Hyungwon grows desperate for something he can’t name. It feels good, and Hyungwon can feel a tug in his stomach pulling for more. It isn’t what he wants, though, and he’s scared of his own sudden desperation. He doesn’t want to take things too far, but he doesn’t feel like he has the control to stop. Thankfully Changkyun does, and he gently pulls them back to let them catch their breath (only Hyungwon is breathless, but Changkyun isn’t unaffected if the red to his cheeks is any indication). “No need to rush,” Changkyun tells him, and Hyungwon nods in relief. The rapper brushes his thumb across Hyungwon’s cheek, and his expression is guarded. It makes Hyungwon uneasy. 

He isn’t stupid enough to think these moments they share are completely platonic. They aren’t teenagers experimenting with their sexualities and what makes them feel good. And Hyungwon knows Changkyun wouldn’t have instigated this sort of thing if he hadn’t wanted it in the first place. This isn’t the sort of care friends give and take. Changkyun has to want more. He knows they should talk, but Hyungwon doesn’t know what to say. He knows he likes Changkyun and cares for him, but he doesn’t know how far those feelings run. He can’t decide if he wants Changkyun, or if he wants the attention. He can’t rush to decide and risk hurting the other idol, but he can’t keep taking these intimate moments without addressing their relationship. He isn’t in a place to make that kind of decision, not today, and he makes a mental note to talk to Changkyun before this happens again. 

For right now, though, he decides he can be a little selfish. 

He moves from Changkyun’s lap onto the couch beside the rapper, presses into his side. Changkyun turns on the TV to some variety show they both like. He reaches between them for Hyungwon’s hand, gently intertwines their fingers together. The tingles return, in his fingers where they touch Changkyun’s skin. Hyungwon leans closer, his head against the rapper’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he murmurs. Changkyun responds by pressing a kiss to the top of his head. The model smiles, feels a soft blush warming his cheeks. For the first time in a long time, Hyungwon feels content. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed~  
>  ~~pls don't be too mad at me...~~  
>  the drama isn't over yet so don't get too comfortable.... :')

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting my writing online for a fairly long time, so I would really appreciate any criticisms on how to improve!  
> visit me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/monsomnia) or [tumblr](http://monsomnia.tumblr.com/) if you want~


End file.
